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Letting go of the outcome

Snowyjune posted 10/8/2020 09:31 AM

It's been 5 months since the last dday, and it's been such an insane learning curve.

My BH keeps telling me it's too late, but I've never really gotten it till a week ago. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that he couldn't be with me, even though he loves me. I hear this often, and I acknowledge it, but proper understanding of that statement only came recently, and I still struggle sometimes. Had to chant it out many times to drill it into my brain when I get lost.

In 5 months later, I realized that my issues and reliance on my BH to heal me are still ever so present. I reached out to him too often, I cry to him in shame too often, I needed him too often, desperately trying to connect and make up to him all the shit I've fed him, and he finally says he's had enough. He needs time away from me to heal.

I finally see that my healing is my own and I need to let go of any hope as there's nothing I can do.
But yet I still am optimistic?

My question is how do the ws here manage this constant tug of war between letting go, and trying to remain connected/ optimistic.

What books do you read to improve on yourself, to become the best version of yourself? I want to improve my communication, my Empathy levels, mindfulness etc. So any recommendations will be much appreciated. I do have ic coming up as well, and am looking forward to hearing helpful stuff.

Thanks..

fooled13years posted 10/8/2020 10:04 AM

Snowyjune

I need to let go of any hope

Hope is powerful.
there's nothing I can do

You might consider your frame of reference as there may not be anything you can do to help your BH but there is always something you can do to further help yourself heal and get better.
I realized that my issues and reliance on my BH to heal me are still ever so present.

I reached out to him too often,

I cry to him in shame too often, I needed him too often,


This absolutely needs to change. You need to concentrate on healing yourself and allow him to concentrate on healing himself.
desperately trying to connect

Could this be because you desperately want him to forgive you?

If it is you need to let it go. He might forgive you sometime in the future but he is too wounded right now to concentrate on anything/anyone but himself.

make up to him all the shit I've fed him

You have fed him a meal that has poisoned him. Other than trying to point him in the direction of what might help him recover from this poison there may not be anything you can do to help.

You may want him to be the husband he was before but that person may be gone for good.

MrCleanSlate posted 10/8/2020 10:08 AM

Snowyjune,

Get a good IC, and then be totally honest when you are in IC. They don't care about what you've done. If you want real help then you need to be vulnerable and open.

Contrary to what a lot of people on SI say - we started MC almost right away after D-Day. It was important for us. It helped us learn how to communicate, and the MC acted as a good facilitator and referee to guide through some difficult conversations and to make me see my BW's point of view and vice-versa. I recall our appointments started with mostly about A related stuff, then M related stuff, then life stuff in general.

I don't think we would have been able to R without doing MC. It was a safe place to talk and vent and our MC provided some much needed impartial advice.

JBWD posted 10/8/2020 19:02 PM

CBT. CBT. CBT.

Cognitive behavioral therapy jerked me into reality in SECONDS, it seemed. The process of finding our irrational fears and walking them back to their origins works quickly. “Feeling Good” by David Burns is a great workbook.

What I found when exploring this process was- I was afraid of being alone and unloved, and mistook sexual desire for the profound love my STBXBW gave me. So most ironically the scenario I most feared I brought into our lives. That discovery came quickly with this reading. And it is a quick trip to “Why am I feeling angry, depressed, untethered, right now?” to remind myself of that.

If interested in meditation Pema Chodron’s “How to Meditate” will get you a good intro and further reinforce that you can experience your emotions without letting them lead you along for the ride.

I use these tools to remind myself that I am here, now. I am gutted to see glimpses of my wife’s pain but know I can’t fix that. I CAN, however, take this learning opportunity to ensure that I will never do myself nor anyone else such harm again. That’s little comfort to the woman who I betrayed, but it is better than the alternative, which is to continue living wretchedly.

I just posted elsewhere that I STILL spend most days believing something’s going to miraculously swing about, but I know that’s foolish and misguided. The best I can come up with is that I don’t deserve to feel humiliated or rejected that it won’t change- It is a consequence of the abuse heaped on my STBXBW. I know that I would love to R, but it’s simply not going to happen. That took time and has yet to sink in thoroughly, but it will get there, I think...

RocketRaccoon posted 10/9/2020 02:55 AM

SJ,

Going to be blunt here:

I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that he couldn't be with me, even though he loves me.

Congratulations, you now have an inkling of what you put your BH through.

In reference to your A, your BH would not have been able to wrap his head around the betrayal, thinking "How could she do this to me, when she said she loved me?"

Snowyjune posted 10/9/2020 03:28 AM

JBWD, thank you for all the recommendations. I will be speaking about CBT in my IC sessions.

I use these tools to remind myself that I am here, now. I am gutted to see glimpses of my wife’s pain but know I can’t fix that. I CAN, however, take this learning opportunity to ensure that I will never do myself nor anyone else such harm again. That’s little comfort to the woman who I betrayed, but it is better than the alternative, which is to continue living wretchedly.

I just posted elsewhere that I STILL spend most days believing something’s going to miraculously swing about, but I know that’s foolish and misguided. The best I can come up with is that I don’t deserve to feel humiliated or rejected that it won’t change- It is a consequence of the abuse heaped on my STBXBW. I know that I would love to R, but it’s simply not going to happen. That took time and has yet to sink in thoroughly, but it will get there, I think...

This really really help as I feel/ want to feel exactly the same.

I had a moment of clarity today.. that I cannot rely on my BH for happiness anymore.
I had been so desperate to try to fix things, that I have lost track of life.
I need to become a kind, confident person, who can care selflessly. Independent but selfless. To give when I get nothing in return.

And be there for my BH and give him what he needs.

Want to read more and learn more.. and not drown in this shame, guilt and trap my BH in this mess of us.

Snowyjune posted 10/9/2020 04:18 AM

@hikingout, I've read some of your posts and would like to hear more of your thoughts as well.

I don't have enough posts to pm you so can i trouble you to pm me if its convenient?

Thanks.

Chaos posted 10/9/2020 07:20 AM

Snowy - I'm a BS and I hope my 2 cents is OK.

I can say at 5 months past the last DDAy your BS is still figuring out what end is up. There is an internal battle raging inside asking why. Why it happened. Why it didn't stop. Why did he give other chances. Why Why Why! His autopilot is on autopilot. He doesn't even know his name.

IMHO from my perspective is the time, effort and energy you are spending on your tug of war could be better spent on working on yourself. Get some IC. Figure out what it was deep down [that scary place you don't want to admit exists] that made you wayward.

5 months out from a final DDay is a Hellish place. I know. I also know you doing work will be noticed. And watched. Outcome isn't guaranteed. But a better Snowyjune is always a good thing.

Heal yourself. Everything else will fall one way or another. But unless you are healed yourself nothing can fall into place.

I do wish you the best.

SlapJacks posted 10/9/2020 12:22 PM

Snowyjune- I am a BH 6 months out and your story is similar to my WW. Yes there is a lot of pain in the fact that my WW was sexually and emotionally intimate with another man. That hurts on its own level. But the deeper level of hurt came from the fact that after I found out, she still communicated and met with him. There was a period in my life that I almost went absolutely insane, and I am one of the most rational, logical people on the planet. I am very organized and detailed orientated.

So, 6 months out, I have re-gained my sanity and my brain is not some tornado of crazy thoughts. She tells me all the time that she feels horrible/guilty/remorseful about the choices she made. But here is what I see and where my fears and trepidation about fully committing to the marriage stem from:

1) The fear in that it was so easy for her to have an affair right under my nose. She could so easily have another one.

2) She tells me all the time it was about attention and that she felt I have always been too focused on work, etc. Maybe she has a point, but I am what I am. Sure I could use a little work in the intimacy department, but what if I get slammed at work like I was when she had her affair? Is she gonna need attention and seek another affair? Is she capable of accepting me as I am knowing that she needs to find her own source of happiness within the marriage?

3) There is a fear that she settled for me. That I will always be there for her and take care of her financial needs and those of my children, but that her affair was a great source of happiness and will remain as such in the back of her mind. The crazy thing is, if I divorced her, I would always do the right thing. I wouldn't want my ex-wife, the mother of my children, to live in poverty. Sure her finances would change but she would be taken care of.

4) There is a fear that, deep down, I am just not good enough. Call it the emasculation, loss of manhood, whatever. But my self esteem is in the shitter. I am much better now at work then in any other place, so I put my efforts there. But deep down, every time I leave the office and go home an uneasy feeling comes to me.

5) I am almost 50 years old, and reading that people say it takes 2-5 years to recover, I am worried that I do not simply have the patience to lose that time when I deserve to be happy.

I love my wife. She was my best friend, and still is in a way, but it is just not the same anymore. Maybe my perspective will be different in 6 more months, but I have found myself being very selfish with my time and things that I do that give me happiness, and if those things don't include my WW, so be it. For example, in a few weeks, hunting season starts down here and I am taking a week off for opening weekend at my farm. I am inviting various buddies throughout the week. When I told her she got a weird look and I just told her this is what I am doing, deal with it.

hikingout posted 10/16/2020 08:15 AM

Hi Snowyjune,

I have been away on a vacation, but Mr. Clean Slate alerted me that you asked for me to PM you, I have sent that to you.

For me, letting go of the outcome was really being able to accept the worst case scenarios. Becoming people who can endure those hard things is part of the journey so it's not something someone can normally do from day one. The more you feel you can be accountable and take the natural consequences of our actions, the more you can stand in your integrity and not manipulate the situation further. The problem with controlling the outcome is that you will find that your already bendable integrity can bend even further.

Letting go of the outcome, and still hoping for R are two different things. When H asked for a divorce I thought I would wither and die. But, as I leaned into what it meant, I realized I would survive it and that I can take care of myself and that I was going to do whatever I needed to do to heal and be whole. Letting go of the outcome to me means that you are working on you for you. At least predominately. If the work is dependent on your BS doing anything at all, then you will stop it when the BS changes course.

It's hard to differentiate that where you are. You may want to shore up that you have solid plans for moving forward and then walk confidently in that. Easier said than done.

Hippo16 posted 10/16/2020 09:07 AM

SnowyJune:

I posted to you some time ago:

Posted: 11:42 PM, June 5th (Friday), 2020 View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage
I think you have stated some good points.

However - some BS do really love the WS and do so enough to swallow pride and ego and embarrassment and all the other emotions to try and if the WS comes clean, no lies, and works their ass off to become a good mate - in time the marriage can become good - maybe better.

However #2, there is always the pink elephant in the room - "You cheated." Both have to master that topic and it has to be together or time will bring the festering pain to the forefront and separation will ensue.

the only thing you can do and this is for both WS and BS is be the best you can be and resign to accept that may not be good enough. but you tried

don't flog youself - work to fix yourself and bring your integrity up to an unimpeachable level

the rest will ensue and you may lose your BS but you will be better for it and the future possible mate and you will eventually find peace and happiness

it happens


So the "you have to become a good mate" piece is the "work" you have to do.

Many have posted in various ways the path you should take.

You did a timeline in April - maybe go over and answer all his questions again? YOU bring up the subject but don't push (this has been said before) - that is offer

ask yourself if you really do LIKE your husband as in a best friend way - and if you cannot answer affirmative - best to plot for a long term separate course in life


DaddyDom posted 10/19/2020 12:53 PM

Snowyjune,

Your story reminds me a lot of my own. Like you, I tried to control the outcomes for a very long time, asked my BW to help me through my own shame and pain (while I was completely unable to help her through what I did to her), and just generally made everything about me and my needs. I thought everything was about her, but it was about me, regardless of what my head was telling me.

Waywards, almost universally, suffer from a lack of self-love and self-worth. The funny thing is, we often see ourselves as the opposite. Prior to my affair, I would have described myself as someone smart/funny/creative/trustworthy/patient/kind/empathetic and was positive everyone loved me. Many WS's I've spoken with say the same about themselves. The thing is, I didn't realize that I was deriving my own self-worth through others. I needed their love, their praise, to be petted and told how wonderful and special I am. When that went away, for even a moment, it would crush me to my core. I sometimes compare the need for attention/affection to a gas tank with a hole in it. As long as you can pour gas in the tank faster than it runs out, you're okay. But when new gas stops coming in, the tank empties in seconds and is at that point barren, completely devoid of what is needed.

For WS's who cannot derive their own self-worth through themselves, we rely on getting fed from our spouses and others. It is our "love tank" and it has a huge, gaping hole in it. When something changed, and our spouses were no longer filling our love tank, that's where things like affairs get born. We turn to someone else to fill that tank for us.

The reason I bring all this up is because, in order to let go of the outcomes, you will first need to be able to cope with that reality. The reality of being alone, on your own, and okay with who you are, and how things turned out. You cannot need and rely on your spouse to love you, and at the same time, wish the best for them, and give them what they need and deserve from you. If you do end up divorcing, or even just seperating, how will you survive and yet not fall right into another relationship where you are dependent on someone else? Even if you don't part, how will you survive and not use your spouse, family, friends and community to feed you? Something has to change or nothing will. And the thing that needs to change is that you need to own and accept who you are, what you did, and the consequences of, well, everything.

My question is how do the ws here manage this constant tug of war between letting go, and trying to remain connected/ optimistic.

Once you learn to love yourself, you will then be able to truly love your spouse. And when you can truly love your spouse (and yourself) then the tug of war goes away, because you will realize that, whatever it is they need from you or of you, is what is best. Your own needs won't get in the way of what is best for them and what they need, and you can instead be a supportive friend/partner/spouse, instead of a drain on them. You will be optimistic because everything will be okay no matter how it turns out. I'm not saying things will be easy, but they will be okay. When your spouse is a person and not your personal need-fulfiller, you can then be free and able to support them in whatever way they need, and at the same time, take care of yourself, without being a drain on anyone (emotionally).

IC will help a lot, but keep reading, and asking questions, and being willing to hear things that will be hard to accept for a while. It's all worth it in the end. No matter how things turn out, you will be okay.

[This message edited by DaddyDom at 9:28 PM, October 19th (Monday)]

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