Had my last counseling session with a counselor today before switching to a new one.
My BS and I were in NC until he broke it last weekend, we then txt for a few days and he then wanted NC again. I told my IC today how the one extreme to the other is killing me. To go from being able to see his pain and knowing to NC.
IC told me that he is seeing my breaking point about this. That I must tell BS how I feel. That caring coming from the point in me it is coming from is not disrespecting, but really caring. So I went to BS house after IC.
I realize that it made it about me.(In retro spect, I wish I would not have listened to IC). I made clear to BS that it was the last time he will see me at his house. I will fully honor NC going forward. - I was doing okay with NC until last weekend. It was hard but I managed. We spent days talking, then went back to NC. That back and forth changed something in me.
The last time him and I talked he let me hanging in the air with a statement he txt that was filled with assumptions about me and the way I think about the future that are not true.
He opened the door. We sat down and talked for a bit. My BS is stuck in the past with his emotions, pictures in his head. He is in pain. So much suffering that I caused.. And all I can do to help is to honor NC.
In the conversation he said something that hurt me so very much and I can’t stop thinking about it… he said that he wishes he would have never fallen in love with me 3 years ago. That he would give up all the good memories so he wouldn’t have to feel this pain. ..he said I was his true love.. And I destroyed him.
Now, I am in my apartment, (our former apartment, all his stuff is still here). I am here. Sitting in the dark. Shame took over right now. I failed him. I reached out because I felt that expressing what NC is doing to me was the right thing. My IC told me it is the right thing to tell someone you care. To not hold back. Be vulnerable even with the risk you will get hurt. Well, it took all I had left today to go there.
Now, all my progress seems to be parked at the curb. I sit here in shame.
There is a small hope for R my BS said. But he needs to heal himself first.
And I want to be respectful and honor NC.
Right now, in this moment, I feel empty
I realize what I have done to my BS. The harm and pain. His suffering. He is the most wonderful person I know. I inflicted all this. I am on the ground knowing I can’t turn back time.
I am not sure how to survive this right now. I have made progress and realize today is “just” a bad day. It is a long road ahead and not a sprint. There is nobody in my life to rely on. No support system. So I post on here.
Any guidance is appreciated