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shame is back, please help

Rose2206 posted 9/19/2020 18:19 PM

Had my last counseling session with a counselor today before switching to a new one.

My BS and I were in NC until he broke it last weekend, we then txt for a few days and he then wanted NC again. I told my IC today how the one extreme to the other is killing me. To go from being able to see his pain and knowing to NC.
IC told me that he is seeing my breaking point about this. That I must tell BS how I feel. That caring coming from the point in me it is coming from is not disrespecting, but really caring. So I went to BS house after IC.

I realize that it made it about me.(In retro spect, I wish I would not have listened to IC). I made clear to BS that it was the last time he will see me at his house. I will fully honor NC going forward. - I was doing okay with NC until last weekend. It was hard but I managed. We spent days talking, then went back to NC. That back and forth changed something in me.
The last time him and I talked he let me hanging in the air with a statement he txt that was filled with assumptions about me and the way I think about the future that are not true.

He opened the door. We sat down and talked for a bit. My BS is stuck in the past with his emotions, pictures in his head. He is in pain. So much suffering that I caused.. And all I can do to help is to honor NC.

In the conversation he said something that hurt me so very much and I can’t stop thinking about it… he said that he wishes he would have never fallen in love with me 3 years ago. That he would give up all the good memories so he wouldn’t have to feel this pain. ..he said I was his true love.. And I destroyed him.

Now, I am in my apartment, (our former apartment, all his stuff is still here). I am here. Sitting in the dark. Shame took over right now. I failed him. I reached out because I felt that expressing what NC is doing to me was the right thing. My IC told me it is the right thing to tell someone you care. To not hold back. Be vulnerable even with the risk you will get hurt. Well, it took all I had left today to go there.

Now, all my progress seems to be parked at the curb. I sit here in shame.
There is a small hope for R my BS said. But he needs to heal himself first.

And I want to be respectful and honor NC.
Right now, in this moment, I feel empty

I realize what I have done to my BS. The harm and pain. His suffering. He is the most wonderful person I know. I inflicted all this. I am on the ground knowing I can’t turn back time.

I am not sure how to survive this right now. I have made progress and realize today is “just” a bad day. It is a long road ahead and not a sprint. There is nobody in my life to rely on. No support system. So I post on here.
Any guidance is appreciated

forgettableDad posted 9/19/2020 18:40 PM

The shame passes. It's just another fleeting way for us to control something outside our reach. You can't change your decisions; you can only take responsibility (and shame is not responsibility) and move forward towards the person that you want to be.

he said that he wishes he would have never fallen in love with me 3 years ago. That he would give up all the good memories so he wouldn’t have to feel this pain.
We say a lot of things out of pain. Some are true. Some are not. And none are carved in stone.

But he needs to heal himself first.
And you need to heal and change yourself. I remember with my wife, we kept being out of sync with our timings, with our healing. I kept feeling like we walked crossing paths but kept missing each other. Eventually, and to my joy, we met again.

Be strong. Heal for your sake, regardless of the outcome with your partner. It's a long road but it gets better.

JBWD posted 9/19/2020 19:15 PM

There is nobody in my life to rely on. No support system.

Best guidance I can offer is to change this.

I stumbled across an older book when my library was still open:
“Connect” by Dr Edward Hallowell.
He enumerates the many other connections besides romantic ones that we can (and naturally DO) cultivate throughout life. These are all complementary to what many of us view as THE MOST important connection in our life. But in your position you simply have to accept letting this connection at least go unaddressed.

So these other connections: friendship, civic organizations, hobby groups, are crucial in helping you learn that you have
1) More to offer than simply being a partner
2) The skills to be open and bold in cultivating these new relationships
AND by learning how to better cultivate these other friendships you will actually learn incidental skills that will help in the event you can return to a partnership.

But as long as you believe that you “have no one” you will continue to blame yourself and focus on what you don’t have- And I think quite potentially that can lead to resentment down the line as you struggle with NC.

I agree that addressing your BH might have been ill advised. Mostly because it had the undertones of an ultimatum. I sound like a broken record but it might be worth ONE sit down with a MC to establish the desired boundaries of NC.

Bottom line- Proud of you for recognizing this is transitory. If you meditate you’ll continue to learn that the feelings can (and do) change. I KNOW how hard the sporadic contact can be- Just keep it in perspective. You’re doing great.

Rose2206 posted 9/19/2020 19:27 PM

I do feel like I am ahead of him (which I understand is normal). I want nothing more than to become wholehearted. To be a safe partner. And due to many factors I have made huge progress in little time.

Today, I failed. This week since he had re established contact and then went back to NC has thrown me off so much...

It shows me that I do have lots of work ahead of me. And part of me says, hello I am still human. I have feelings too. And then I tell myself, no. You did this to him. You don;t have a right to tell him how bad you're feeling.

It is like a constant battle this week. He needs NC and I must give it to him. Why di I feel like it is breaking me?..

I cut contact with most of all people I used to talk to due to ill advice and influence in a wrong direction.I am happy I cut contact as i should have cut those people out of my life a long time ago.

I deleted all social media and have been more introverted then ever before. I do go to work (which I am surrounded by people) and do go to the gym.

src9043 posted 9/19/2020 19:39 PM

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:36 PM, September 19th (Saturday)]

JBWD posted 9/20/2020 16:45 PM

I think you should think a little bit about your impulse to isolate- IMO it’s one of those sustaining actions that is going to keep such shame cycles from happening longer than they might otherwise.

The way to approach it, if I can suggest such a way, would be to ask- What do I gain from cutting myself off? And then, what do I lose by cutting myself off? You offered places where you aren’t physically alone, but they also aren’t places where you indicated any degree of connection, as emphasized by the initial passage I highlighted.

I think this is a great way to practice courage and honesty, and will create a well of resiliency as you navigate the pain moving forward- The more you open up to others (and it doesn’t have to be soul-baring honesty with a co-worker you just met, it’s ANY degree of connectedness with another human) the harder you will have to work to unilaterally confirm the negative self-talk that feeds and thrives off of an isolated mind.

We are ALWAYS here (some of us maybe too always) but I think the first thing I learned on this journey was that a diversified portfolio is CRITICAL to a fulfilling life.

Rose2206 posted 9/20/2020 17:28 PM

Well, My job is based on helping others. Ironically, healing and helping others is what I do for living.. Since I switched jobs, I look death in the eye almost every day I work..

I believe it is part of how I was capable of making much progress in little time. This new job has changed me already.. It is like the things I see/ experience at work accelerate the depth of personal work I do when at home.

I was never surrounded by good friends. More so, I had filled space up just so it wasn't empty..cutting people out is something I never did before. And I don't miss them.

I do attend classes at the gym (martial arts and general fitness). Made two female contacts there that I see frequently at the gym.

So it is not that I completely isolate myself. But I do not want to fill space just so it's not empty

JBWD posted 9/20/2020 23:19 PM

But I do not want to fill space just so it's not empty

I gotcha- But it’s also about putting yourself in the position to interact with people who can, just by virtue of being friends, keep you honest. Bear in mind that, unlike most of the folks here, I have been separated and in an (undefined) process of D for over a year now- I can tell you that while there can be periods of significant impact, if you expect those day after day and throw yourself into such examination non-stop, you’re headed for burnout.

IF you do wind up in R, the breadth of quality relationships will significantly enhance a healthy approach to a rebuilding as well, where the pressure to ONLY R overwhelms the environment.

Last point in my pitch is this- You have avoided this aspect of your healing, and has it worked? There’s no promises in this, but there’s also nothing to lose in TRYING. Give “Connect” a read and see if it gives you any ideas...

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