"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

LifeDestroyer posted 8/29/2020 20:53 PM

To start with, it is a daily struggle for me to allow myself to have good days. I know I should have good days and welcome them, but it's still hard. It doesn't feel right after what I did.

When I do have several good days in a row, they are quickly drowned out by negative thoughts. I will see something or remember something or think about things I did, and I start falling into a dark hole. I feel my attitude quickly drop and become sad. Everything around me kind of blurs out, and my body gets really heavy. If I'm alone, then I let the tears roll down. Eventually, the awful heavy feeling goes away, but the good day is gone.

Today started good then quickly went away. I was in a store texting N about something regarding our daughter. He took what I asked the wrong way and thought I was questioning his dad abilities. I explained why I asked the question, but felt awful. I felt awful for making him think that I didn't think he could do something. I quickly left the store and started crying while walking to the next store. I picked up what I needed, but everything was blurred out and that heavy feeling was there. Eventually it went away, and the rest of the afternoon was fine. I took care of some chores once I got home and went for a run. I was all ready to start painting when the depressed feeling came back. Now I'm sitting here typing this up.

Does this happen to anyone else?

LizM posted 8/29/2020 22:34 PM

My WH was feeling this way too...he would struggle with feeling like he was a screw-up all the time.

He said his therapist told him that if he didn’t forgive himself, that it eventually would become an excuse for him to cheat again because he would have that mindset of, well I’m a failure anyway so I might as well. As a BH I really wanted him to beat himself up, but his therapist has a good point...you need to forgive yourself too or your image of yourself as a failure will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So yes I think it’s normal for you to feel this way and be hard on yourself. Certainly something to talk to your IC about. I think your coping mechanisms of doing chores, running, and posting on here are good.

bewuzzled posted 8/29/2020 22:45 PM

To start with, it is a daily struggle for me to allow myself to have good days. I know I should have good days and welcome them, but it's still hard. It doesn't feel right after what I did.

I 100% hear and understand this. Did this to myself for years following my A, and then recently, surrounding my situation wiyh my H. Your mistakes dont make you unworthy of good, especially if you're working to learn and grow and correct.

If I'm alone, then I let the tears roll down

Nothing wrong with crying. I think if the tears are there, let them out. Don't you sometimes feel better after? I'm starting to. I wish that for you too.

I walked around for the last few months doing shopping and chores with tears in my eyes, believe me, I know. It's awful amd it hurts. But you're doing the right things. I too am running again. I feel better everyday. Keep it up.

hikingout posted 8/31/2020 09:29 AM

To start with, it is a daily struggle for me to allow myself to have good days. I know I should have good days and welcome them, but it's still hard. It doesn't feel right after what I did.
When I do have several good days in a row, they are quickly drowned out by negative thoughts. I will see something or remember something or think about things I did, and I start falling into a dark hole. I feel my attitude quickly drop and become sad. Everything around me kind of blurs out, and my body gets really heavy. If I'm alone, then I let the tears roll down. Eventually, the awful heavy feeling goes away, but the good day is gone.

Grieving your marriage is natural. Understanding that your actions in part were the reason can be debilitating. At the same time, the healing that we talk about here has to do with embracing yourself, changing your self talk. It might be a bit before you feel strong enough to work towards that. But, understanding the goal is to learn to love yourself and building a life you can be excited about can help guide you. Of course right now there are days where you won't feel like you can muster any step in any direction. Just do not stay stuck in that place. You are a person who is worthy of love...from yourself, from your daughter, and eventually expanding that through friendships and maybe one day even romantic love again. But, right now, start with yourself.

Maybe during one of your stronger periods write down some of the things you are proud of yourself about. Revisit that list when you are down.

Today started good then quickly went away. I was in a store texting N about something regarding our daughter. He took what I asked the wrong way and thought I was questioning his dad abilities. I explained why I asked the question, but felt awful. I felt awful for making him think that I didn't think he could do something.

I know that it's hard, but you need to get to the place where you learn you are responsible for what you say and not how others react to it. You are taking responsibility for N's reactions...those are not yours to be responsible for. He is responsible for managing his own anger and reactions. He is responsible for his own insecurities that likely spawned that anger. I had to work on that, and not see everyone's disappointment or anger or own issues as a reflection of who I am or anything I did. Some people are committed to misunderstanding you.

On the other hand, when you are wrong, and you see "I intentionally questioned N's parenting skills" then that is what you work on. You are not responsible for his feelings. You are responsible only for you.

I quickly left the store and started crying while walking to the next store. I picked up what I needed, but everything was blurred out and that heavy feeling was there. Eventually it went away, and the rest of the afternoon was fine. I took care of some chores once I got home and went for a run. I was all ready to start painting when the depressed feeling came back. Now I'm sitting here typing this up.

You did the right things for yourself - you did chores and went for a run. Those are really good steps because it allows you to shake out some of the anxiety and have feelings of accomplishment. You then later had time on your hands to ruminate on what had happened earlier. This is just a place where you flip your internal script. You either have to decide not to overthink it and change the channel (really hard, I know - I struggle with that too sometimes) or you can think "What will I do differently next time?"

Not everything we think is true. Our emotions are based on our thoughts, which might be based in untruths.

You are overall doing awesome, this is all a work in progress that will not happen overnight.

Pippin posted 9/1/2020 12:17 PM

Nice post HikingOut.

LifeDestroyer, I hope you took in all of HikingOut's wonderful post. I think the best I can offer is to highlight the parts I think are especially good.

Of course right now there are days where you won't feel like you can muster any step in any direction. Just do not stay stuck in that place.

Exactly - and remind yourself when you are there that it won't last.

Maybe during one of your stronger periods write down some of the things you are proud of yourself about. Revisit that list when you are down.

I did exactly that and it helped. It didn't make everything completely better to look at it during the hard times but it took the edge off a little.

you need to get to the place where you learn you are responsible for what you say and not how others react to it. You are taking responsibility for N's reactions...those are not yours to be responsible for.

This is really important.

Some people are committed to misunderstanding you.

Especially on SI . . . (I don't think this is your problem so much. I wonder if HO is writing to herself?)

Not everything we think is true. Our emotions are based on our thoughts, which might be based in untruths.

This is the most important. Your emotions will jerk you around when they are based in untruths or partial truths (that is the worst, because you know part of it is true). Once you have ahold of the full truth, your emotions will settle down.

Keep it up LD, you are doing great.

[This message edited by Pippin at 12:23 PM, September 1st (Tuesday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 9/1/2020 12:23 PM

Maybe I need to go back and read because all day today at work, I have been trying my hardest to not breakdown and cry. I'm sitting here now at lunch with my team, and I'm holding back my tears. I want to text him and talk about school but I can't. I want to talk to him about how I'm freaking out and have him calm my nerves like he used to before school started. I can't.

Right now I'm done.

JBWD posted 9/1/2020 14:09 PM

I want to talk to him about how I'm freaking out and have him calm my nerves like he used to before school started. I can't.

Yup- That hurts A LOT. This is our struggle and all I can say is that I hear you and feel the same. This is a muscle and will get stronger and provide some degree of positive reinforcement when you find yourself doing things you hadn’t thought of as “LD things,” whether they’re practical or profound.

Hang in there, I know how much this sucks...

bewuzzled posted 9/1/2020 14:25 PM

I want to text him and talk about school but I can't. I want to talk to him about how I'm freaking out and have him calm my nerves like he used to before school started. I can't.

You are not alone. I suffer this too. Worst feeling. It's really hard not to just sit down and cry, what else can you do. Carry on, pray that everyone's right and it will get easier. Read about detachment,it will help. write it out, that helps me, I hope it helps you too. Hang in there, sister.

LifeDestroyer posted 9/1/2020 15:04 PM

I had a breakdown right after hitting submit. I had to leave the restaurant, go sit in my car and cried. I could feel the tightness of anxiety in my chest and couldn't breathe. I texted my friend to come out to be with me. She sat next to me and asked what I needed. I told her everything I was feeling and what was going on. We came back to school and she told the principal that I needed a little bit before coming back to the meeting. I sat in my room just doing some deep breathing.

I feel a little better now.

Sharkman posted 9/3/2020 17:37 PM

You are going to have very bad days. It is a very human thing to have them.

We are not defined by who we are during bad times but how we handle the bad ones.

I am very sorry that you are having some bad days. Life is very short and it's regretful when things don't go the way that we want them to.