"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

LifeDestroyer posted 8/12/2020 21:08 PM

Saturday would have been our 16th wedding anniversary. Our daughter will be with him all day, so I need to figure out things to do that day to keep my mind occupied.

I'm wanting to create a large painting to go above my bed. I also want to "hike" through these trails. I've only ever been with him as he knows how to get through them, so going alone will be new. They're nothing crazy, but knowing me, I will get lost. I figure if I go early enough, then I'll have plenty of time to find my way out before dark. 😆 It's a populated trails. So while I may be lost for a few minutes, I know I'll see people that I can ask or just follow out.

Those will be two things that I have never done.

This week alone has been an extra dose of reality. I've been shopping around to refinance, had to figure out my own home owners insurance policy, and just found out that there is a HUGE possibility that I won't be teaching my normal grade. Our numbers are so low that we have to remove a class from our grade. The principal said I wouldn't be leaving, which is great, I just won't know what I'm teaching until who knows when. We are supposed to begin in a few weeks.

My brain is very tired.

[This message edited by LifeDestroyer at 12:14 PM, August 13th (Thursday)]

bewuzzled posted 8/13/2020 00:39 AM

I think you're doing the right things, if that matters. I think you already know saturday will be hard, so you know you should keep busy. Sounds right to me. I had a hard day today, with my BH actually moving out, to begin our formal seperation. I kept as busy as I could, although I let myself feel the feelings when they come... As they always do.

Go on that hike... But don't get lost! Won't it be awesome if you do better than you think you will??

I'm dealing with a bunch of mortgage crap too, and trying to pay off some debt. Being an adult is stupid. Idk about you, but I'd rather be 6 again.

fooled13years posted 8/13/2020 07:39 AM

LifeDestroyer

Those will be two things that I have never done

After my ExWW and I separated, friends told me "You will experience may of the same things a person whose spouse died experiences."

I found that to be true to some extent as those activeties we had done as a couple would now be done by just myself.

Everything that I experienced for the first time was tough but became much easier after the first time.

Life goes on.

hikingout posted 8/13/2020 08:32 AM

That's a great idea to do two things you have never done! Expand that confidence! While all this stuff with the financing is a headache, you are even proving to yourself there that YOU can rely on YOU. These are hard and scary and uncomfortable times, but also see how they are empowering you, changing you. I am proud of you!

Sorry about the anniversary, that really does suck, but congratulations on taking control of that. It shows tremendous growth from the woman you were when you landed here. I am so happy to see you still posting too.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/15/2020 21:22 PM

I went out this morning on my hike. I took the hard trail, 4.4 miles 2hrs8mins long. It was nice. When I first started, I offered to take a picture for a family, parents and son. They were happy because it would be the first in awhile they could send to family of all three of them together. The three of us went to the same area about two weeks before he moved out.

I listened to music for the first hour and then the sounds around me. Whenever people were coming up behind me, I would stop to let them pass. I didn't want to hear any talking.

After I got home, I set up my painting area. It didn't turn out exactly like I hoped, but for my first time doing a Dutch pour triptych, I'm happy. I'll definitely do it again.

bewuzzled posted 8/15/2020 21:40 PM

Good for you, I'm glad you went.

I find myself having to talk my own brain into doing things now. I am not accustomed to doing so much alone. Trying to learn to like it.

Sounds like a pretty good day

JBWD posted 8/16/2020 15:08 PM

Awesome to hear LD, and Bewuzzled.

I am a huge advocate of going without music, glad you did that- I love, love, LOVE dense sounds in my headphones so will on occasion allow myself the treat, but it’s a fantastic experience to find sound by looking with our ears- aka listening (as opposed to seeing or hearing)

My biggest challenge at the start was feeling like I HAD to be dismayed at solitude. And then by slowing down and looking, I saw so many souls like me, who were singular and fulfilled-I avoid “happy” because that’s sometimes too simple a term- It was by looking and removing my observer bias- “He’s alone in a public place, he MUST be lonely and despairing” - that I stopped talking myself into misery.

Stepping forward.

ETA: Didja get lost?!

[This message edited by JBWD at 3:08 PM, August 16th (Sunday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 8/16/2020 15:48 PM

Nope, I didn't get lost. There were actually quite a few people on the same trail, and they had trees marked with which color trail you were on and where to go.

Sharkman posted 8/18/2020 08:37 AM

Listen, to be blunt, how the old you *acted* was that of a garbage human.

Is that what you really are?

What *defines* you is how you approach adversity. It doesn't matter if the adversity is of your own making or some external force. You have two choices, to act as you should, or to give up.

This sounds like a very crass and simplistic take, but it's as simple as deciding who you are. Looking backwards is healthy and OK, don't avoid the past but learn from it.

You can't control who is going to love you in the future, who is going to come into it. All you can do is, like everyone else, to try to make a better version of yourself every single day that you wake up.

Listen, people wake up some mornings and find out they have cancer or god forbid their children are sick. You are somewhat blessed in that what you need to do is COMPLETELY within your control.

If you are sad that you can't be with your daughter then spend the day making a better version of yourself for her. Do something nice for someone. Go open an investment account for her and put $50 into it. Anythying. Be positive - every - single - day.

Pippin posted 8/19/2020 09:55 AM

Good for you LD! Planning ahead and keeping busy are very smart. Physical activity and creativity are healing and soothing. You are doing great. You are setting a fantastic example for your daughter of how to manage difficult times. I hope you are proud!