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Struggling

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Desertedindesert posted 8/10/2020 21:14 PM

Thanks—I had the same questions as you. He is not a theatrical person. Quiet, reserved, solitary. He doesn’t like bars or going out. The casino was a total surprise. The mc thinks he switched from alcohol to gambling (dopamine hit). When he lost his brother, his job changed, in other words extreme stress, he chose to act out.

He met her last September. By November he was googling her. In February he asked her how much she charged. By the end of February, he decided he wanted her number and she was worth the price. Didn’t get a chance to sleep with her until the end of April because of covid. Perfect time to bring a whore into our home.

The office encounter happened the Friday of Mother’s Day weekend. He gave me a card with the same amount of cash as her rate. I felt guilty as finances were tight because of covid. Little did I know, he’d spent $1500 on her (plus gifts) in that week alone.

I guess I am still angry, as I reread this I can feel it jumping off the screen.

ChamomileTea posted 8/10/2020 21:19 PM

You have an absolute RIGHT to your anger. Adultery is abuse and anger is a NORMAL reaction to being abused. Not that I'm encouraging you to act on it, but you should definitely not feel guilty either.

Those were marital funds, btw. If it goes to D, he owes you half of every penny he spent on the OW.

marriageredux959 posted 8/10/2020 21:36 PM

In no way am I suggesting that your response is inappropriate. I'd be mad as hell too.

What you are describing just leaps off the screen at me, much like you reading your own words leaps off the page at you.

This is, odd.

That lawsuit? Is that wrecking his train?

Again, NOT in any way excusing or explaining away his behavior.

This all just seems so pointedly self-destructive, in particular, bringing her into his OFFICE to have SEX WITH HER, OMG.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not naive, I *know* things happened in the hospital- but a hospital is NOT the claustrophobic sealed environment of a physician's OFFICE. And it doesn't take a rocket scientist to read your description of this girl and understand that she'd definitely look out of place in any location in an office where one might achieve even a modicum of 'privacy.' Exam rooms don't cut it. One can and *should* expect a nurse or a PA or a tech to walk into an exam room at any moment.

(Even shenanigans in the hospital get 'caught'/found out more often than not.)

It screams career suicide to me.

You need to look out for YOU, and YOU and your welfare and your childrens' welfare are all equally important to whatever on earth is going on with him...

... but I think he has Bigger Issues. This isn't about you or your marriage. I *know* we tell all betrayed spouses this: it's not what's wrong with you, it's what's wrong with them.

I think I'm looking at an even more abject case of that.

I suspect you are collateral damage to a much bigger self-inflicted train wreck in progress.

All the more reason for you to get yourself out of its path, if that's what's happening.

IC for both of you, quickly, and protect yourself financially, and legally.

Maybe there's still time for him to turn this train wreck around, if he wants to turn it around. In the meantime, no 'hopium,' protect yourself. <3

Desertedindesert posted 8/18/2020 11:31 AM

Last week ended on a bad note. I asked WH to stay in a hotel for the weekend so the kids and I could have a sense of calm or lack of his attitude. It was the last weekend before our older son moves back to college. I have been anxious for 2 reasons: 1. Having my son leave again and 2. when I was last at my son’s college is when my WH had the prostitute come to our house.

Anyway, WH refused to stay in a hotel. It was a tense weekend. He wanted to make it look like “happy family”, go out to dinner etc. The kids wanted nothing to do with him, the meals out were awkward. WH was sizing up every woman in the restaurants. I found $500 in hundred dollar bills in the nightstand in the guest room. Our mc had told him under no circumstances should he have cash (gambling & prostitute).

Sunday morning, he woke me up at 4:30am to tell me he’d decided to go to the casino. He wanted me to go with. I thought it was a bluff on his part so I said “sure”. He drove like a crazy person to get there, scouted out the parking lot for the OW’s car, did a lap around the interior of the casino to show me what it looked like. She wasn’t there apparently. He parked me at a slot machine and went to gamble on his own. I hate gambling. I won a nominal amount of money and cashed out. I got an iced tea and went to sit outside.

After about an hour he texted that he was ready to go. He came out looking thrilled. He’d won $500, said I was his lucky charm & that he’d give me the money. By the time the afternoon rolled around, he’d secreted the money away somewhere.

By evening, I decided to look at his phone. He had unblocked the OW on what’s app. He was asleep when I saw this. I woke him up (it was 9:30, which he claimed was the middle of the night—but hey, when you get up to be at a casino by 4:30, maybe 9:30 is the middle of the night) and asked him why she was unblocked. He claimed he didn’t do it and it was a glitch in his phone.

Ok... so I flat out asked him why he was insisting on mc, if he intended to make this work or what his objective was. He said he didn’t know marriage vows meant forever, and that even though he’s not with the OW anymore, he doesn’t think he wants to be married. However, he wants a “9 month extension” until our youngest graduates from high school, longer if things seem to be going well.

Yesterday I texted him that he should get an apartment. He resisted in the first reply, then said he would do so (our son’s first day of senior year—the one who had his bd exploded because my WH disclosed his shenanigans on that day). I told him to stay in a hotel last night. He flat out refused.

Argument last night. He told both kids he would be only a few blocks away and that I’d created a hostile home environment. He would still be around the house to visit.

I lost it at that point. Told him no, he wouldn’t. That I’d let his medical practice know he brought a prostitute in during working hours and had sex with her there. That I’d call the medical board. That I’d sue him for giving me an STD.

His mother called prior to this—as of last week she still thought I was just being a moody wife who was giving her son a hard time. I told her flat out it’s hard to be upbeat and happy when WH is sleeping with a stripper/hooker in my own home. Last night she said she knew he loved me very much and had made a big mistake.

I feel like I’m living in the twilight zone. WH said he’s into erotic choking and cutting. Um, I’m not. Never will be.

So, yes I’ve got the wool firmly removed from my eyes. My most pressing issue today is, will he move out this weekend while I am gone with our older son (to the out of state college move in)? Our younger son is in counseling because of this clusterfuck and he shouldn’t be left alone. I have a sneaking suspicion WH does intend to move—he feels our younger son has “sided” with me and WH is essentially writing him off.

[This message edited by Desertedindesert at 11:32 AM, August 18th (Tuesday)]

Rain03 posted 8/24/2020 04:29 AM

I totally understand what you are going through. I am sending piles of strength and compassion your way.

My ex spent at least 120,000 on prostitutes in just 5 months. I left him thankfully. I am 2 years out and still not divorced but I am getting there.

I was with him for 24 years. Stay at home mom who did everything for my ex and the kids.

I left with no money. Super scary but I am so better off now. My lawyer got me great support. I will be heading back to college just cause I can and want too.

I totally understand how hard and scary this is. It took me a very long time to come back to any sense of normal. I lived in a very abusive relationship and didn’t even know it. He was a sneaky one chipping away at me for years. It’s taken a lot of therapy to finally realize how bad it was and how strong I am.

My children are so much happier because I am happier. Getting rid of my ex allowed me to finally get back some energy for me and my children. We have had 1 year of calmness. My ex has continued to spiral downwards but at least now we aren’t attached to him going down with him.

I hope you know that you deserve happiness. You deserve to be treated right. You deserve to feel safe.

Keep reaching out to people. Surround yourself with support. Go into battle mode. Be as professional as you can if you decide to leave. It looks so much better in court.

I wish you the best

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