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So heartbroken

imsheegirl posted 8/8/2020 12:23 PM

I long suspected my partner was cheating on me as he has a history of cheating on his ex-wife. For months I had suspicions but was confirmed Wednesday. Wednesday was a horrible day as this was also the anniversary of my fatherĎs death. I found her address in his backpack and since I saw her name before on a Starbucks cup he had brought home several months prior, I immediately knew. So I drove to her house and confronted him. She had no idea he had a girlfriend of three years he lived with. he told me heís not sure he ever loved me and that it was difficult for him to tell me that heís wanted to tell me for months but he didnít want to hurt me. he is unmedicated bipolar and has very strong mental issues. He told me heís not happy even with her and really wants to be alone but since he canít hold a steady job, he might as well be with her. He loved me at one point and Iím pretty damn sure he still does but I had him come get his stuff the same day. Now I canít deal with that heís gone and not coming back. I had a friend here when he was taking out his stuff. I did not want her to but she went outside to speak to this girls parents and her and let them know everything he is and what heís done. She is half my age and lives with her parents. My friend said she was destroyed and crying and her parents were pissed asking her all kinds of questions about what they just got themselves into. On some level I hope he comes back, I pray he comes back but he will just do the same thing again. He was still very kind and loving to me but gone a lot of the time. We still talked about the future even up until the day I found out. How do I get past this? I love him so much and this hurts so much.

FlowerPower posted 8/8/2020 12:45 PM

Imsheegirl,

I am so sorry for your pain. Down the road you will consider this a blessing.

Consider what you shared:

* History of cheating on his ex-wife
* Lied to OW about his 3 year live-in relationship with you.
* Tells you he's not sure he EVER loved you
* Unmedicated bi-polar
* Very strong mental issues
* Says he is not happy with OW or you
* Can't keep a steady job
* Gone from home a lot of the time
* His OW brought her parents to help him move.
* OW lives at home with her parents

What are the redeeming qualities that make him a good long term partner?

You did the absolute right thing telling him to get his stuff and get out.

You did the absolute right thing having a friend there for support.

Now, (as hard as it is!) continue to do the absolute right thing and go no contact with him.

Read up in the Healing Library. We are sorry you are here, but this guy is not a good prospect for growing old together.


sisoon posted 8/8/2020 12:47 PM

If he's unmedicated bi-polar, I have great sympathy for both of you.

I'm sorry for your loss. It's not about you - it's about him. He can't be a good partner at this point. He can't be faithful. He can't do many of the things that a good partner will do.

And he has virtually no possibility of being a good partner unless he gets effective treatment.

I urge you to protect yourself - find a good IC if you can't detach. Do not take him back unless he gets treated.

Gently, IMO, your taking care of him while he can't hold a job says you are choosing to mess up your life.

By not demanding that he get treatment, I fear you're also contributing to messing up his life.

Stop. Please.

Start treating yourself well by not saddling yourself with a bi-polar dependent.

thatbpguy posted 8/8/2020 13:27 PM

FlowerPower and Sisoon are really spot on.

Right now you're in a pain cave. You took care of him, you loved him... we understand. But he has brought toxicity to your relationship that probably cannot be dealt with.

I like the notion of some IC to help you with your pain and grief.

Seneca posted 8/8/2020 13:55 PM

You're being given very good counsel.

Treat yourself with gentle loving care and know that better people than your ex are out there.

Some potential partners carry psychological/emotional baggage embedded in them--at no fault of their own--but becoming involved with such a person greatly increases the odds of broken relationships and heartache. Uneducated bipolar and even medicated would fall in this category.

Relationships are hard enough over time without being saddled with additional baggage. I say this gently to you: you are better off, painful as it is right now, without this person.

You likely will love again and you may have learned important things that will bodevvery well for your next relationship.

Best wishes!

imsheegirl posted 8/8/2020 13:57 PM

Sisoon, I did push him to get treatment so many times. You simply cannot force someone to get help. I did everything non-psychiatric and medication that I could to help ease his bipolar but it was not enough. you are right that he is not a good partner and never will be until he gets treatment. It breaks my heart to see him crashing. I will never forgive the cheating. I did not know his history until he had already professed his love and moved in. By that time I was already in love with him and foolishly thought I would be the exception. Clearly I wasnít. all of that does not make this situation any easier.

The1stWife posted 8/8/2020 15:44 PM

Emotions and logic donít necessarily work together. Your heart says one thing. Your head says something else.

Your friend did the right thing by telling the new GF the truth and to hopefully prevent this guy from manipulating a you fed girl and starting a relationship built on lies. She deserves better.

So do you.

I urge you to find a professional counselor who can help you through this emotional trauma and roller coaster ride you are on. It will help you tremendously.

TheLostOne2020 posted 8/8/2020 16:18 PM

imsheegirl

First, I'm sorry you are going through this. He's an asshole and none of this is your fault. At all.

Second, Cheaters lie, about anything and everything - that said:

She had no idea he had a girlfriend of three years he lived with. he told me heís not sure he ever loved me and that it was difficult for him to tell me that heís wanted to tell me for months but he didnít want to hurt me. he is unmedicated bipolar and has very strong mental issues.

This is just unmitigated scumbag reasoning.So he's been content to lead you on for years and lie to you about loving you? What he's saying is that you are just something he feels entitled to use.

My guess would be that he did love you at some point it's just cheaters are horrible, selfish, and entitled people so they reach for any justification they can.

On some level I hope he comes back, I pray he comes back but he will just do the same thing again. He was still very kind and loving to me but gone a lot of the time. We still talked about the future even up until the day I found out. How do I get past this? I love him so much and this hurts so much.

I think 95% of us faithful and betrayed partners feel the same, initially. We want things to go back to normal, we want things to be fixed. In most cases I don't think they can be and I think after the feelings have been worked through most betrayed partners don't even want to after several months. It's a horrendous gut punch you've been dealt. The person closest to you has revealed themselves to be this horribly entitled and selfish person which is in direct conflict with the idealized version you have of them in your mind.

Time will help you get past this. Talking about this will help you get past this. Unfortunately the pain is immense and the temptation is to rug sweep, but that doesn't work. It's painful but you will survive and even thrive on the other side of this.

Justsomeguy posted 8/8/2020 16:33 PM

Sorry to hear this. How did you meet? Did he reveal his past before you got serious?

I'm saying this because you might want to look at your picker. Mine is seriously broken and I tend to choose women who end up hurting me.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 4:34 PM, August 8th (Saturday)]

imsheegirl posted 8/8/2020 17:39 PM

We met at work. We both started on the same day. We were dating 2 weeks later. He did not reveal his past until he moved in. Thatís when I found out all this garbage. I already loved him and was in too deep. I thought Iíd be the exception 😢
There was love there at one point and he still cares about me but his bipolar has gotten worse the last year. Not an excuse but an explanation. I canít see him as a piece of crap because he HAS good qualities. He was very loving and committed until the last year.

DaBreaks posted 8/8/2020 18:04 PM

It sucks to be where you are for sure.
I think it has to be asked tho.
Was he cheating on his wife with you??

If so, then he is showing you who he is.
Believe him.

Believe what he is telling you.
He is telling you that you are in for a world of more hurt if you
End up staying with him

imsheegirl posted 8/8/2020 18:55 PM

He was newly separated from his wife when we met, yes. He asked for a divorce when he met me. This is his pattern but it still sucks.

Buster123 posted 8/8/2020 22:43 PM

he told me heís not sure he ever loved me and that it was difficult for him to tell me that heís wanted to tell me for months but he didnít want to hurt me. he is unmedicated bipolar and has very strong mental issues

You did the right thing, you deserve so much better than a proven cheater and liar, you dodged a bullet here, please go ahead and get tested for STDs, you should be "praying" he doesn't come back, let them deal with his issues, if he does simply kick him out again and tell him that if he continues you will file a RO (Restraining Order) to put him in jail.

The1stWife posted 8/9/2020 13:55 PM

So the pattern continues. How sad.

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