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Trust

Ascott58 posted 8/3/2020 12:49 PM

For R couples, when was you able to trust your WS again? How did you get there? What did the WS do to help you be able to trust again?
Im not one to want to look through his personal stuff. I just dont feel comfortable doing that. Its not me. Never has been. So what do u do?

AnnieMae posted 8/3/2020 13:02 PM

Trust is something that is building in action. it is not something that I think you can put a date too. Little things have made me trust more. Like him leaving his phone around. A random butt dial voice mail- because I know he is not on his phone doing other things. I will never blindly trust him again like I did before. Ever. And he knows that. I do not go through his personal stuff, but I do check the phone longs every month. (mostly, last month was 2 weeks after I got the bill before I looked)

Trust will always be a work in progress in my house.

tushnurse posted 8/3/2020 13:07 PM

Ascott - I see you are struggling, and I didn't respond to your prior post about forgiveness, but Trust and forgiveness for me kinda went hand in hand because they occurred on some level at the same time....

Trust for me slowly started to return when I saw consistent change in behavior and the ability to deal with shit he normally wouldn't have previously. Every time he did something that was honest, truthful, and open he added to the trust piggy bank. Slowly over the first few years after the A, the piggy bank was getting full.

Of course there was some self healing and change that went on as well, that also added to the trust piggy bank. Now ... Do I blindly trust like I used to? Absolutely not.
Does that bother me? No Freaking way.

The only person I trust comp-licitly is myself. I know that I will always act in my best interest. I also know that as I healed I could spot a lie from 100 yards. For me it has served me well in almost every aspect of my life. When my kids were teens, when a boss was attempting to screw me over, when a friend was not being honest.... I know it now, I usually choose to call it out, or just walk away.

But You need to know that you have self healing that needs to happen, he has healing that has to happen, then at some point you choose to let go of the outcome, and know how you will react if and when the "other shoe falls".

As far as forgiveness goes? Take that shit off the table do not discuss it, and do not make it a point of R. There are many here that R'd and didn't forgive. For me, it was important to be able to forgive at some point, but not an issue for my H. But it happened. It was quiet, and calm, not a big deal, but when we hit about 2 yrs out, there was a new normal, and a peace in our relationship. That's when I realized I had forgiven him. It wasn't any big deal for him, but the ability to forgive gave me a new sense of peace and comfort.

Oldwounds posted 8/3/2020 15:30 PM

How did that blind trust thing work out for all of us?

Not so good.

The first thing I had to do was learn to trust me, and how I had missed some obvious signs along the way that things in my marriage were not as they seemed.

I hated going through my wife's stuff too, and I didn't do it for very long. However, I did learn some things.

There weren't any other affairs, but my wife's way of communication was in need of much greater boundaries. Some people get the wrong idea when personal information is shared so freely. Pointing this out helped her understand how she attracted un-wanted attention in the past and how to change her day to day approach interacting with other men.

I do know you want to trust again -- and some level of trust is required for any kind of relationship to exist. But your WS will have to earn that back one honest act at a time, and try to pile up a bunch of those.

100 percent all in trust is something that I'm not sure exists, or should exist. Being at least a little skeptical can help protect us quite a bit.

OrdinaryDude posted 8/3/2020 23:54 PM

Trust?

Never gonna happen.

sisoon posted 8/4/2020 14:40 PM

I agree with tush on trust and forgiveness going hand in hand. It took thousands of trust-building actions on my W's part to earn back trust. That took 3.5-4 years. I gave trust and forgiveness together.

But the bottom line is that trust is decided by the truster. I choose to trust my W. You've got to make your own decision.

I think I trust my W blindly. I accept her word, especially when her words are congruent with her non-verbal communications. I don't think she's lied since before d-day. If I perceive an incongruity in her communications, I think I'll notice and act appropriately.

I know she can fuck me over again. I just think I'll be able to survive and thrive - after a big or maybe not so big struggle - if she does. (I believe that is not just bravado.)

Notriangle posted 8/5/2020 19:03 PM

I'm not big on the idea of checking his phone even though he did grant me access. I have looked three times during our nine month reconciliation. It's just not what I want to spend my life doing. I don't blindly trust though and if I did ever stumble upon any sort of inappropriate stuff, I would call it quits immediately. He knows that.
I trust myself and no one else now. Even if we had divorced, I would never blindly trust another partner. I am trustworthy to myself and others in my life. That's what is important to me.

DaisyAnne posted 8/6/2020 13:04 PM

Trust is something that is building in action. it is not something that I think you can put a date too. Little things have made me trust more. Like him leaving his phone around

I agree. The fact that I have his passcode and he leaves his phone around and even with me alone so I can listen to music have helped with my trust issues. During the affair, I didnít know his passcode and he would still never leave his phone around.

Itís little things like that but mostly time. My trust grows a little more each day with his actions.

Bewtifullangel posted 8/6/2020 15:00 PM

Hi this is my first post and I know will be long winded I still love this person who has broken my heart and spirit.... why I cant let go but I cant go back to what was or trust... this is why I'm posting i. This group why cant I let go why am I still loving someone who hurt me so bad.... trust with everyone not just men or relationships i feel i nay never be the same never.... the first the second the third i won't allow a 4th... but i still love him and it effects anyone I am i terested like are u lying tooo... im scared and don't ever want to hurt anyone but I'm lost lost in my thoughts ...trust is gone not just with others to with myself like how could I be so dumb and stupid.....


Thanks for allowing me a safe place to vent and maybe I can finally have closure or a way out of this dark place thank u again,

Hurt...becky

CaptainRogers posted 8/6/2020 20:21 PM

Trust takes time and is rebuilt through demonstrable efforts on the part of the WS.

Early on after D-Day v1.0, my wife demanded, not asked, DEMANDED that I trust her. Against every fiber of my body I made that effort. And over the next 15 months, it all blew up in my face again.

That was when D-Day v2.0 happened.

Since that day, I have taken the "earn it" mentality. I need to see reasons for trust. Trust will NEVER be blind again.

We are now 3.75 years out from D-Day v1.0, 2.5 years put from v2.0. Trust comes in various packages based on the situation.

Do I trust my wife to do things that are in the best interest of our children's health? Yes.

Do I trust my wife to tell me if I need a shower? Absolutely.

Do I trust my wife to tell me if what I made for dinner tastes horrible? 100%

Do I trust that she wouldn't sell me out and throw our relationship aside for another thrill ride? Not at all. Why? Because she hasn't spent the last 3.75 years rebuilding that kind of trust.

Do I think it can get to the point where I no longer doubt her commitment? Probably. She has made some changes over the past couple of months that would lead me to believe she is capable of and willing to put in the work to actually build the trust.

It is possible. It will take TIME. You can't rush it. You can't force it. It must be earned.

Oceanbreeze posted 8/7/2020 16:08 PM

Hey Ascott, thanks for posting. As someone else pointed out, trust is a matter of degree. Did I trust my wife 100% before? Close, if not all the way. Do I trust her now? Getting there. Will it be 100% again? Not sure. And it doesnít have to be. But it does have to be enough for us to live with. As someone else already said, a little skepticism is, I think, healthy. I will NEVER be able to give ANYONE the exact same trust as before. Weíve all been changed that way, irrevocably.
But as for what you can do to get there? Well, I know you donít like looking through his stuff, but...look through his stuff. My wife became totally transparent as soon as we started R. She remains so today. I knew the whereabouts of her phone for a year before I told her I was doing it, and Iíd do spot checks on her as well.
For me, I needed that to be able to consider trusting again. I also realize, though, that we canít have a relationship where I constantly play detective. As my trust in her grows, I check her stuff less and less. Now (year and a half) I do so rarely. But Iíd never give up the ability to do so.

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