SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

Mynamedontfi posted 7/27/2020 05:26 AM

I’m not sure if I’m posting this in the right place.

It will be one year since D-Day on 7/31. I was doing pretty well lately. I had been dating and making new friends. I found out through a mutual friend that she got engaged today to the OM she left me for. She had been cheating on me last summer and he proposed at a theme park. The same theme park that they took pictures together at and she asked him to take them off social media so I wouldn’t find out she was cheating.

Many of you thought her relationship would crash and burn. But now the girl I was supposed to spend my life with is engaged to another person. I won’t call him a man because what kind of man shakes another man’s hand and then pursues his partner?

Their relationship is founded on an affair and she is a liar and a cheater. Thank god I didn’t marry that selfish child. I no longer want her back. I am just hurt that she gets to be happy and married while I’m crying alone.

We were together almost 7 years. I thought I would be over her and what she did to me after a year. I guess I still need more time to heal.

Thank you in advance for your time and words.

Robert22205https posted 7/27/2020 06:00 AM

Hey....you're the prize that got away.

Don't view the wedding between two cheaters as positive for them or a reward for their behavior.

The OM didn't 'win' anything.

Two rotten apples deserve each other.

If they marry, they're doubling down on a disappointing long term relationship that will eventually fail. It's just the beginning of their misery.

Bigger posted 7/27/2020 06:14 AM

Your happiness should never be based on her misery.

I think (and have posted about it) that too much emphasis is placed on revenge and getting even here on SI. The main issue is that the poster – usually the betrayed spouse – get’s out of infidelity. If that’s with the wayward spouse through reconciliation then great. If it’s through divorce then great.
IMHO the worst outcome is always when the two remain married without resolving the issues caused by the infidelity. Usually with some pretext of never going to trust again and leaving the day the kids leave for college. The SECOND worst outcome IMHO is when the BS leaves the relationship (divorce or separation) but doesn’t detach. I fear that’s where you might be at right now…

Experience and stats show us that relationships that are founded in infidelity seldom last. The average lifespan is well within 24 months. But averages are simply statistical statements and there can be variances in both directions; one night stands to lifetime relationships. Maybe your ex and OM are bound for a long and happy life, although it might be hard to tell the future grandkids how they met… Maybe he/she will cheat again after 7 years. It shouldn’t matter to you because you should be living YOUR life and not theirs.

Tigersrule77 posted 7/27/2020 07:00 AM

You don't know the realities of her relationship, and you should not care. As you stated, she is a liar and a cheater. It is possible that she is cheating on her new fiance. Or she may in the future. But that does not affect YOU. She is out of your life, as you said you are better off.

I guess I still need more time to heal.

You are correct. This is different for everyone. You will heal at your pace.

Booyah posted 7/27/2020 08:08 AM

You want to know why you're hurting?

(This is my humble opinion).

Because deep down, even though you rationalized it was the right thing not being with her because of her cheating (and moving on without her), there was a part of you that was hoping this relationship with OM would fall apart and she'd come back to you begging for forgiveness. That she had come to her senses, that she was wrong, and all she ever really wanted was you, and could you please take her back.

Yes you mention now that some posters here said the relationship would "crash and burn", and even though you went on without her ("dating and making new friends") deep down in your heart you were just going through the motions as you were HOPING that it would "crash and burn" and she'd come running back to you.

Well guess what that hasn't happened and in fact they are still together and it appears they're taking their relationship to the next stage (getting engaged).

Listen, I/we know how painful this is.....we truly do!!

I know you don't want to hear this, but maybe, just maybe, this is what your heart NEEDS TO HEAR (that she's engaged and moving on).

Your head has already come to grips with all of this. Your mind knows she's a "liar and a cheater" and a "selfish child", but your heart hasn't gotten there. It's still in denial and has been hoping that this has all just been one bad dream and that you're going to wake up one day with her running back to you and back in your arms again.

Again we all understand these feelings.

Maybe now, your heart will realize what your head/mind has already figured out, and that she's gone but more importantly it's been a HUGE BLESSING that this all happened because she wasn't the one for you after discovering who and what she really is.

Your value and self worth but more importantly your PEACE and HAPPINESS has NEVER been attached to her.

As painful as it is, you've hopefully now reached the ACCEPTANCE stage of grieving a loss of a loved one.

It's the HARDEST stage in my opinion to get to but it can be very liberating.

There's a reason the front windshield in a car is bigger than the rear view mirror. What's in front of you is WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT'S BEHIND YOU!!!

You have your whole life in front of you.

It's time to let the past be just that.....the past!

Instead of being sad about all of this you should be EXTREMELY HAPPY that this has happened as the days have been wasting away hoping and praying for something that was NEVER MEANT FOR YOUR JOURNEY!!!

Now go live your best life and find happiness and self worth within and not EVER depending on another person or thing or situation to give this to you.

Today is the beginning of your new journey......HOW EXCITING MY FRIEND!!!

GoldenR posted 7/27/2020 10:23 AM

"If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you"

It's just a matter of time before one of them fucks the other one over.

Buster123 posted 7/27/2020 10:50 AM

Getting engaged and being happy forever are two very different things, but then again, this should not concern you anymore, it sounds that you need more time to heal, you dodged a bullet here, and btw you should have posted in the Divorce/Separation or the General forum, I know you "Just Found Out" about their engagement but the JFO forum is meant more for newly discovered infidelity.

The1stWife posted 7/27/2020 11:46 AM

Stop buying in to the fairy tale that her life is so wonderful and happy and perfect.

Odds are against a relationship working out when it started as an affair. Higher D rate for second marriages.

Anyone can post smiling photos on social media. But give it time. One (or both) of them ended up with a booby prize b/c they are both cheaters. They will always wonder if there is infidelity in their marriage b/c they both have proven they are good at lying and cheating.

So what did she win? Not much in my opinion.

WontBeFooledAgai posted 7/27/2020 13:58 PM

@Myname....

I can relate to that, I went through something of a similar story in my past, although if anything, not as painful as your situation. My girlfriend at the time had left me, and the deterioration of our relationship was like yours quite sudden. A year later--actually more like 10 months--I found out that she was engaged and was about to be married in a few months in fact. (A key difference is that I did not know at the time that someone suddenly pulling away and finding all this fault in the relationship, is an almost fool-proof sign of an affair. I found out a few months later that she was already seeing someone else. If only I had come here first!)

I was an idealist when it came to love and relationships. Finding out that she was engaged and was soon to be married hurt me more than the breakup itself. It sucked to have to live without her, but to imagine her in love and talking about a future w another man as she once did me--that hurt on another level. That was what really hit home that it is well and truly over and it is time to move on.

@Booyah hit the nail right on the head. This is a kick for you to move on. It is so easy to get stuck in the "bargaining/hopeful" stage of grief--e.g., 'maybe she'll come back', even if you don't consciously want her back. Now that hearing about her engagement just had it kicked into you that she is gone, you now must move through the last stage of grief into acceptance.

And meanwhile....just because she got engaged does not mean that her life is all sunshine and rainbows. This is a marathon, not a sprint. More to the point, they both are taking their problems and issues together. I mean, her default way of "handling" problems in relationships is to step out on her partner, instead of addressing the problems or breaking up outright first.

And also, I really really think, from reading your story, that this relationship ending is really God's unanswered prayer to you. You are still young. There is someone much better for you out there.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 10:52 AM, August 11th (Tuesday)]

Buffer posted 7/27/2020 20:11 PM

Don’t fret brother, it is good your rejected goods are handed to the less fortunate
Buffer

TheGuy123 posted 7/27/2020 22:19 PM

Who is going to cheat/get cheated on first?

In fact....who do you think is already cheating?

totallydumb posted 7/27/2020 22:32 PM

Just read my tag line.....

Buffer posted 7/28/2020 01:50 AM

That’s what I was trying to say^^^^^
Buffer

standinghere posted 7/28/2020 02:44 AM

I am just hurt that she gets to be happy and married while I’m crying alone.

Remember, a new relationship is just great until real life intrudes.

Hopefully it won't happen to them, hopefully it will be all roses and joy and they will live to a ripe old age basking in each others love and respect, and die within minutes of each other surrounded by their friends and family and respected by everyone.

Yeah, it could happen, and all of humanity may be wiped out by an asteroid strike, but neither are very likely in the near term.

Mynamedontfi posted 8/11/2020 10:46 AM

Thank you for the support everyone. I don't think I can put into words how much I appreciate everyone on this forum.

I think the shock of finding out she got engaged was the worst part. It's been two weeks since I found out and I'm feeling better about it.

Instead of being sad about all of this you should be EXTREMELY HAPPY that this has happened as the days have been wasting away hoping and praying for something that was NEVER MEANT FOR YOUR JOURNEY!!!

At the end of the day, I am better off without a liar and a cheater. Now I can find someone who isn't a liar or a cheater. Someone who could not fathom betraying their partner.

I think it will still be awhile before I get to the point of blissful indifference. Some days are worse than others. But for now I can go about my day to day without the constant crippling pain.

Thank you again everyone. So much. -MNDF

Booyah posted 8/11/2020 11:22 AM

MNDF good to hear from you.

The further out you get from this the more the pain will subside.

Just trust the process, and when you start feeling down, remember that better days are ahead.

One day you'll be in a great place. A wife who loves you who will treasure your heart, and if it's in God's plan some amazing kids!!

I remember one day my two year old running up to me and giving me a HUGE hug and telling me how much he loved me.

I thought back on my ex wife's affair, how painful it all was, but kicking her to the curb immediately was the best decision I ever made. Now having my son hug me and tell me how much he loved me just confirmed that I did the right thing and going through all of it was worth it.

I have followed your story and I want to tell you how proud I am of you. Your happiness has ALWAYS been in your hands. Not your ex nor anyone else's.

Wanttobebetter posted 8/11/2020 11:43 AM

MNDF

Strength to you. I am sure others have told you that you just dodge a huge bullet here. Cheaters, unless they look deep inside to understand why they cheated, will continue to cheat.

Her being engaged shouldn't be your concerns anymore. She moved on and so should you. Dwelling in sorrows will only impede your healing and recovery. Letting go is hard but I bet when you look back at this and you no doubt will feel how silly it is to be hung up on a person like that. One day at a time. You got this.

Thumos posted 8/11/2020 12:02 PM

Statistically these relationships built on lies don't work out very well. People curate bullshit versions of their lives all the time.

I know of one branch swinging middle aged woman my age who left her husband in a hypergamous move for a wealthier man. Her curated life on social media is deeply concerning, frankly. She looks more and more stretched and strained. She continues to spiral down into a more and more immature version of herself chasing after the looks and clothing and life of a young woman. As her looks fade, I wouldn't be a bit surprised to learn in a few more years that her new rich husband who stole her away decides to ditch her for a new trophy wife.

The betrayed husband has moved on, found a great new wife, held his high and kept his values intact. The woman he's now married to is devoted to him and head over heels to have a quality man like him.

I've known both the WW and the BH since college. The WW grew increasingly materialistic and narcissistic as she aged. And then she cheated on the BH in a hypergamous exit affair. The BH's new wife is a direct opposite of his previous NPD WW. He's doing great, and I'm very happy for him.

You should continue to detach and separate yourself from her life.

KingofNothing posted 8/11/2020 14:42 PM

Myname:

There's a certain mindset we all get (and I have had it, too) that casts the whole cheating experience as some epic confrontation between right and wrong, good and evil. Because the betrayed partner has done nothing wrong, they didn't cheat, we often think we have "justice" on our side, and that great Kharma Wheel in the sky will inevitably turn, and the offending parties will all come back wailing and weeping, asking for forgiveness as their lives implode. Sounds lovely, in a schadenfreude kind of way.. except.

Kharma doesn't exist.

More often than not, the bad guys "win" in a traditional context.. they go off, get together with the POS they cheated with, and they live their shabby lives together, perfectly happy and content, bad mouthing you to anyone that will listen and claiming "they just fell in love".

You can't control that. Let go of it. Let go of the person that hurt you. You will be a happier, more fulfilled and content human being when you stop thinking about her altogether. Don't pain shop. Don't brood about it. She did a bad thing. You split up. Go your own way and don't think about her any more if you can help it.

You can only control what YOU do, and the decisions YOU make, from now on. So make the best of the life you have now. The world can be a better place when you realize you don't need to rely on another person to make you happy.

Thumos posted 8/11/2020 15:15 PM

some epic confrontation between right and wrong, good and evil. Because the betrayed partner has done nothing wrong, they didn't cheat, we often think we have "justice" on our side,

I will have to disagree with King of Nothing, but that's because I happen to believe there's an epic confrontation of right and wrong happening around us all the time, every second of our lives. That's my belief system though.

I do think adultery represents a practically Homeric epic in terms of spiritual warfare and the spiritual implications, but again that's because I believe we all have eternal souls.

Adultery is most certainly an evil act. Buddhists would term it "harmful" or "unwise." I'm content to say "wicked" and leave it at that. It's very much a part of the mire and dirt of this world and those who participate in it have merely heaped hot coals on their own heads (if you want to think of this as karma, I suppose that's fine too).

Proverbs says that the unwise woman tears down her own home with her own hands and the book also provides a pattern for the behavior of adulterous women. It seems to bear out pretty well in today's modern world too. It's a way of death.

As far as what happens in this life, evil seems to triumph all the time. I don't believe it does in the end.

As for the latter half of King of Nothing's post, you'd be wise to pay attention. He's right. You can't do anything to control a wicked person's wicked decisions or their choice to go the way of wickedness.

Leave it alone. Go live your life your way and make it the way of life.