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Husband cheating, no remorse.

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Jeags11 posted 7/22/2020 10:47 AM

Hi all, it has been a week since the implosion of my marriage. Last Wednesday my husband refused to let me see his phone and was acting extremely odd about his phone. I ended up leaving the house for the night because, thereís no way he wasnít cheating...right? Well I went back Thursday night we talked but he still refused to let me see his phone. I stayed the night at home anyway. Friday morning I just knew it was something so I logged onto his Snapchat. Yep, he was cheating. My heart dropped further in my stomach then it already was. I sent him the screenshots of my proof and said ďstill innocent?Ē. His responses were pathetic, did not even acknowledge what I said. I ignored all messages from him. His messages were things like ďstopĒ ďseriouslyĒ ďI love youĒ ďare you coming home tonightĒ, etc. I ignored them all. I finally replied to please only contact me regarding the kids. Did I mention we have a 3 year old daughter and I am 23 weeks fucking pregnant. Pregnant with a baby that we used 6 months of fertility treatments to get. While he was at work Friday I moved mine and my daughters stuff out and I havenít been back. The only conversation we have had has been via text regarding trying to determine a parenting plan/custody. He has not once apologized, tried to explain himself or asked me to come home. Do you know how much that hurts? More than the cheating. Please help me with all these feelings. I donít want to go back to him I could never get over the cheating. It hurts so bad knowing he doesnít give a fuck. He never even asked us to come home.

ChamomileTea posted 7/22/2020 11:06 AM

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. Your most important job right now though is taking care of your babies. And that means taking care of you. It's important that you eat what you can, sleep when you can, keep yourself hydrated, get some light exercise, and keep your stress down. You'll need STD testing to protect your baby, so schedule it with your OB/GYN. Make sure to discuss stress management at that appointment.

Believe me, we all know how paramount the feelings of loss and betrayal are. But there's time to deal with all of that later. Going to pieces right now means going to pieces for two, and you can't have that. Look into Mindfulness and Meditation to practice serenity.

See an attorney and get some advice. You may need to get some child/spousal support going. Don't worry about your cheater's visitation with your 3 year-old. You'll likely need to get a morality clause in your separation agreement to keep him from bringing your little one around whatever he's been cheating with. Certainly a cheater's word on the topic isn't good enough.

Rome wasn't built in a day, right? And whatever the final outcome of your WH's adultery, it won't be solved in a day. Keep breathing. Keep calm. And focus on your babies and yourself.

Jeags11 posted 7/22/2020 11:35 AM

Thank you for your kind words. I am definitely struggling, I have lost ten pounds in the last week. This is one of the hardest things I have ever been through.

tushnurse posted 7/22/2020 11:36 AM

Welcome to SI Jegas, the best club you never wanted to join.

Know that Nothing you did or did not do in no way contributed to your H (husband) cheating. He is a broken man, and you cannot fix him. Please please please if nothing else is learned from today learn this.

Now there are few pieces of advice I give every newbie and they apply to you as well.

1. All cheaters follow the same playbook, while the story is unique 100% of the time, their choices, and actions are predictable 100% of the time.

2. See your Dr. Let them know what is going on, and while this is hard for you, it is not their first rodeo dealing w/ this. You need to be STD tested for everything. You also need to talk to the Dr about the trauma you are going through, and ask for a referral for a therapist that specializes in trauma. Not necessarily infidelity but trauma. If you are unable to sleep and eat discuss this as well, as there are meds that can help you to take the edge off that will keep you healthy for your baby, and your OB will know which ones are safe.

3. See a few attorney's and get an idea on what your options are, and what D (divorce) and S (separation) look like for you, what his obligations are. This is important for you to make an informed choice on what you want to do.

4. Know that it is normal to feel very lost and confused right now. But you need to figure out what you want and what he absolutely MUST do if he were to show up on the doorstep and say Im sorry I was wrong. There are absolutes you need to move forward in a healthy way. While many of us jump at the chance to save our M especially when we have children, but you need to figure out things like ending the A immediately, full transparency, etc. Be ready to demand those things from him should it happen. And if you are done that is fine too. But mentally prepare yourself, if the OW (other woman) gets enough of him he may show up.

Check out the upper left side of the screen in the healing library you will learn a lot.
Keep reading, keep posting. We have walked your path.

(((And Strength)))

Okokok posted 7/22/2020 11:55 AM

Hi Jeags11, I'm so sorry you're here, but I'm glad you found this place.

Make sure you begin by checking out the healing library on the left side of the page, especially the articles and the BS FAQ.

Please help me with all these feelings.

To begin with, make sure you're drinking enough water and taking time as much as you can for exercise. Even just walking can be helpful. It's also advised to talk with your doctor (tell them everything that's going on, and *advocate* for yourself; do not downplay how traumatized and anxious you feel). Get an STD test, and talk to the doc about sleep issues and/or anxiety issues. You can get help for both, though I understand pregnancy can complicate all of that.

Be sure to get at least enough calories to function, and avoid alcohol/drugs.

Confide in someone you love and trust. Don't keep it all in.

Finally, post often here. Ask questions, vent, do whatever you need to do. People are here all hours of the day to support and guide you.

~

You will get lots of advice from here. Lots. Some will feel right, some won't. Listen to all of it.

One thing you'll want to begin wrapping your head around as soon as you can do it is that, while your story is unique to you, there is likely nothing unique about the general storyline. You will soon find out that affairs all tend to follow the same tired patterns. WSes (wayward spouses) all tend to do and say the same things, and so do BSes (betrayed spouses). Same with APs (affair partners).

The sooner you can begin to see this and really trust it, the sooner you'll be able to see how accurate and important some of the advice you're going to get truly is. Much of the advice will feel counterintuitive to you, and most BSes go through a period of doing all the wrong things until they finally realize those things aren't working for them. You will likely be no different--you have to walk the walk, just like all of us did--but try your best to really listen to the advice and ask questions when it doesn't make sense to you.

Meanwhile, I have some questions for you myself.

1) Who is this AP? Do you know anything about her? Is she married? Does she work with your husband?

2) If everything could start going your way starting today, what would that look like for you?

Jeags11 posted 7/22/2020 12:09 PM

Iím not sure if thereís a way to directly reply to someone on here but in response to okokok, my husband works on the road, out of town frequently. He was on tinder and this is where he found the girl he was messaging with on Snapchat. Thatís all the details I know because I havenít asked and we havenít even spoken since I found out.
If things were to go my way he would fall off the face of the fucking earth so I donít have to share my children with him. But I know thatís *not realistic so right now my goal is to make a custody plan I am comfortable with and he will agree too.

To everyone, thank you for the support so far. I know thereís no chance of reconciliation because I donít want it. I am done with that trash human but it still hurts. Also, I did have an intake appointment on Monday for IC. I have another appointment this coming Monday.

[This message edited by Jeags11 at 12:12 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday)]

The1stWife posted 7/22/2020 12:22 PM

I understand your decision not to Reconcile. Only you know if you are someone who can forgive the infidelity and remain married to your cheating spouse.

No judgements there - itís good to know you are not someone who can.

Just donít take his silence as not caring. Iím not excusing anything but Iíve seen family members just shut down and refuse to speak during a crisis. They are just an empty shell.

Your Hís refusal to even acknowledge you regarding his cheating could be malicious behavior (like ďfĒ off ) or coukd be anxiety based. You just donít know b/c heís not willing to man up and take responsibility.

So sorry for you. You deserve better - especially being pregnant and having a young child at home.

fareast posted 7/22/2020 13:19 PM

So sorry you ended up here, but you will receive good support.
Most importantly take care of you during the final stages of your pregnancy. My dd went through IVF to get pregnant and I know the journey you have traveled. Get into IC. Rely on family and friends for support. Check out becoming a ďgray rockĒ when dealing with your loser/jerk STBXWH. Apparently you will be coparenting for a long time. Itís healthiest for you not to engage or argue with him. If you have to communicate, about kids and finances only. Best wishes for a successful pregnancy. Get a good separation agreement early, which is advantageous to you needs.

Bor9455 posted 7/22/2020 13:28 PM

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:24 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

Dismayed2012 posted 7/22/2020 13:59 PM

I'm sorry to hear about your situation Jeags11.

Removing yourself from the betrayer is the quickest way to healing. It's painful as hell regardless, but taking your life back gives you control of your circumstances. He's made his choices, now it's your turn to make yours. Your emotions will level out over time. Weight loss is normal.

Keep yourself busy. Make a plan and execute it. Go out for walks, to the park, to see family and friends, etc. Take care of yourself. Right now you're walking through a valley of death but know that you have a great future ahead of you. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. There is light at the end of your tunnel. It will show itself as long as you keep moving forward.

Write out where you want to be and what you want to be doing in five years. Then make a list of realistic steps you need to accomplish to get there. Once you've formed the roadmap to your goal, begin to make moves toward accomplishing the steps in order. This will give you focus into the future and toward a better life.

Remember that his actions have nothing to do with you or anything you could or shouldn't have done. This is all on him, period. You are the prize now. You have value and you're worth the effort it takes to have a great life. I wish the best for you.

TheLostOne2020 posted 7/22/2020 14:09 PM

Jeags11

I'm sorry that you're here. It sucks and it'll be difficult for a while but: It does get better and it's not your fault at all. Also, there's a lot of good people here. Write as much as you like.

Hi all, it has been a week since the implosion of my marriage. Last Wednesday my husband refused to let me see his phone and was acting extremely odd about his phone. I ended up leaving the house for the night because, thereís no way he wasnít cheating...right? Well I went back Thursday night we talked but he still refused to let me see his phone. I stayed the night at home anyway. Friday morning I just knew it was something so I logged onto his Snapchat. Yep, he was cheating. My heart dropped further in my stomach then it already was. I sent him the screenshots of my proof and said ďstill innocent?Ē. His responses were pathetic, did not even acknowledge what I said.

Cheaters lie, blame shift, and are completely unempathetic. That's what they do and who they are.

I ignored all messages from him. His messages were things like ďstopĒ ďseriouslyĒ ďI love youĒ ďare you coming home tonightĒ, etc. I ignored them all. I finally replied to please only contact me regarding the kids. Did I mention we have a 3 year old daughter and I am 23 weeks fucking pregnant. Pregnant with a baby that we used 6 months of fertility treatments to get.

Jesus what a shit bag.

When a cheater says they that 'they love you' I honestly don't even know what they mean by that. I wouldn't do what my ex did to me to my biggest enemy and my ex did this to me and still claims to love me? That's a big, WTF in my book.

While he was at work Friday I moved mine and my daughters stuff out and I havenít been back.

Good! It took me months to get out.

The only conversation we have had has been via text regarding trying to determine a parenting plan/custody. He has not once apologized, tried to explain himself or asked me to come home. Do you know how much that hurts? More than the cheating. Please help me with all these feelings. I donít want to go back to him I could never get over the cheating. It hurts so bad knowing he doesnít give a fuck. He never even asked us to come home.

Honestly the only explanation is that he's a selfish POS who took direct actions that he knew would hurt you. I'm not taking his side, because I think cheaters are shitty people, but there's no explaining himself and no apology will make up for what he's done.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. You are stronger and in a better position than I was when my life exploded. As I said, I had to wait months to get out. Now, what I would do is contact a lawyer. I would also tell all your friends/family so that they can help you emotionally through this. One thing that helped me was talking. I posted something like 40 pages here and elsewhere.

Devastatedwife01 posted 7/22/2020 14:17 PM

So I donít want to be that weirdo. But I saw your post on bhb. Iím glad you posted here because these folks know what theyíre talking about. I can totally relate to you. My husband cheated on me. I found out a couple months ago. He yet to this day has shown any remorse whatsoever. Anytime he acted remorseful, it was always tears for himself. Not once has he asked me how I or the kids are doing. Donít expect him to apologize. If he does, itís because he wants his cake life back not because he is actually sorry.

From what I have read, this guy is a real asshole and even though itís painful-do not go back. It will only happen again. Ask me how I know. Get a lawyer. File for divorce and custody. Get checked for stds. And never look back.

Jeags11 posted 7/22/2020 14:31 PM

Thanks for all the support so far. I am definitely talking about it and telling everyone. It helps me hold myself accountable and not go back. Iíve told his family, my family, friends, etc.

EllieKMAS posted 7/22/2020 14:48 PM

Jeags, can I just say the way you have put the hammer down is 100% badass even if you don't feel that way right now. I know I floundered around and did the false R thing for many months, so it is really good for your future and healing that you aren't playing that game.

Stay your course. You are making all the right moves so far.

TheLostOne2020 posted 7/22/2020 14:56 PM

Devastatedwife01

From what I have read, this guy is a real asshole and even though itís painful-do not go back. It will only happen again.

Agreed.

Jeags11

Thanks for all the support so far. I am definitely talking about it and telling everyone. It helps me hold myself accountable and not go back. Iíve told his family, my family, friends, etc.

Good and I'm glad. I know that this is hard as shit. When this happened to me it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. You'll get through this.

Jeags11 posted 7/22/2020 16:00 PM

I think what hurts more than the cheating is the fact that he never reached out. Never asked me to come home. Never apologized. Never explained this to me. Nothing. It makes me feel so incredibly worthless and like our relationship meant nothing to him. Why doesnít he miss me? I gave him so much. It seems like this is exactly what he wanted.

TheLostOne2020 posted 7/22/2020 16:15 PM

Jeags11

I think what hurts more than the cheating is the fact that he never reached out. Never asked me to come home. Never apologized. Never explained this to me. Nothing. It makes me feel so incredibly worthless and like our relationship meant nothing to him. Why doesnít he miss me? I gave him so much. It seems like this is exactly what he wanted.

Cheaters don't typically think like normal people. They typically view their spouse/partner as some 2 dimensional being and as a result they lack empathy for them. It sounds like he is in the grips of the fog.

Do not put your worth in the hands of a cheater. You are worth infinitely more than he is.

Underserving posted 7/22/2020 16:18 PM

Donít you fucking hate Snapchat? I do. Thatís how I found out my POS husband had cheated on me 3 years ago. Iíve often fantasized about doing exactly what youíre doing, and believe I would have if I had caught him in the act. I know itís extremely painful to end a marriage, but itís really f-ing painful to try and stay married to a cheater. I liken it to someone smashing your knee cap with a hammer, and then that person moving in with you. You constantly have to stare into the face of the person who hurt you. It can be torture.
All that said, you can move out of the home and get your ducks in a row, and still wait a few months to determine if you want to go through with D. Itís a big decision, and itís perfectly fine and normal to not want to rush it. Itís also normal, even if you are dead set on divorce, to still want your WH to want to fight for you. It feels like another rejection if they let you walk away and donít even care. Heís showing you who he is. A selfish, entitled, and morally bankrupt piece of scum. Believe him, and donít for one second let his brokenness make you feel worthless. YOU are the prize.

Takotsubo posted 7/22/2020 18:26 PM

Hi Jeags,

I joined in Oct 2015, shortly after I discovered my husband had been cheating on me with a coworker 16 yrs his junior. We were expecting our third child (that he had begged for even though I get very sick when pregnant) and he acted almost identical to your husband after the fact. My biggest mistake was not cutting him loose then. Instead I dragged him to two marriage counselors, Retrouville, and bent myself into a pretzel to "win" him back.

I was in the middle of IVF for baby #4 and discovered him sending inappropriate messages to his next ho-worker. So I am taking a leaf from your mighty book and filing to divorce his butt. I wish I had your strength the first time I was in this rodeo. You are amazing and you are about to drop a lot of dead weight. I wish I had been as young as you. Presently I am nearing my mid forties and it will be more challenging with three kids and being a single mom.

Pandora16 posted 7/22/2020 21:04 PM

I think what hurts more than the cheating is the fact that he never reached out. Never asked me to come home. Never apologized. Never explained this to me. Nothing. It makes me feel so incredibly worthless and like our relationship meant nothing to him. Why doesnít he miss me? I gave him so much. It seems like this is exactly what he wanted.

This is because there is something wrong with him, not something wrong with you. He is a man with poor character, and that isnít a reflection of your value. Screw him.

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