SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How's YOUR Saturday going? Mine's PEACHY !

Got served a bit of a shit sandwich last night.

For those not familiar with my story, see the link in my signature. For those who are, well...

No inkling of any kind that there could be anything wrong. W has worked hard to make me feel safe and to better herself. I have also worked at making our overall marriage and family unit better as well as improving myself. (I damned near had my dream job until covid hit) That said...

Something out of nowhere nagged at me last night. No clue why. She went to work and I picked up her ipad and there a FN facebook message to/from a COW. Nothing dirty, nothing lovey dovey. Hell, if there hadn't been a DDAY 1 I may not have even thought anything of it....then again, if there hadn't been a DDAY 1 I would never feel the need to check her phone.

She did mention that this guy was having issues but she also was warned after DDay1 that if I even got a sniff that something was going on there would be no warning.... and there won't be.

I've met the guy and while my impression of him is not one of being a player, (appearance wise there's no way I'd consider him a player), he is likely an opportunist.

What I found :

About 5 messages in total and 2 were what set me off. He's apparently depressed and did the old "post something cryptic on FB" routine and she messaged him to see if he was ok. That became " here's my number, call if you need a shoulder". N O P E.

I already know what everyone is gonna say (Buster and Marz I'm looking in your direction).

I am NOT going to make the same mistakes I made after DDay 1. She'll probably have a few drinks tonight. Saturday is her night to relax after working all week and she usually has a couple. Once she's asleep I'm grabbing her phone and seeing if there is anything else. VAR is going back in the car and I will be scheduling consults on Monday.Probably won't be able to get in right away but at least I'll have the appointments and time to be 100% on this.

I am acting like nothing happened and I am not tipping my hand. I was calm, cool and collected when she got home from work this morning. It is kind of killing me to not say anything because I want to blow the shit up ASAP but as we know I have nothing to gain from that.

Since I'm sitting at work I'm going to check the cell phone records and whatnot. I already have cash set aside for a rainy day that theoretically will float me for about 2 months of rent and expenses if I decide to move out or if something unruly goes down. Lawyer is covered by my insurance so non-issue there.

She's texting me right now . la...la...la... text back like nothing's wrong...

This may be the end right here. I'm better than this.

Sorry guy. Sounds like you're about to do all the right things. I know I'd be doing the exact same.

Some will say why not forget the VAR or more investigation as you already know she is breaking boundaries and trust, but I agree with your approach here. Just get a little more info and take the steps you're taking.

In the end, even if you find nothing more, of course you have to at the very least confront her if not proceed with D entirely. But if you *do* find more, in my opinion, that will be much better for your psychological health if you end up going that route.

Confronting her now with no more evidence will just lead to her telling you there's nothing going on.

Please definitely keep us updated.

Uggh. Sorry you are forced to go into detective phase. That sucks. Whether she is doing more than the message or not, WTF! She knows what this will do to you. I support your approach, good luck.

I think a lot more BH’s than will probably admit might sometimes secretly hope their WW’s will do something like this to give them a mulligan and allow them to kick their WW’s to the curb the way they feel they should have done the first time around.

I think she’s unwittingly doing you a favor.

and by the way - messaging a man (not your husband) on facebook and offering him a shoulder to cry on is basically the kickoff for an affair. It’s an act of infidelity. If she had never cheated on you it would be highly inappropriate and a crossing Of a hard boundary.

But In the wake of a previous betrayal, it’s a dealbreaker on top of what was already a dealbreaker. You extended her grace in the wake of her abuse of you. She took that gift and threw it away.

This^^^^^^^^^^^ Thumos is dead on.

If you find more, may be time to go into Spaceghost mode.

and by the way - messaging a man (not your husband) on facebook and offering him a shoulder to cry on is basically the kickoff for an affair. It’s an act of infidelity. If she had never cheated on you it would be highly inappropriate and a crossing Of a hard boundary

Thumos, this right here is EXACTLY what I said to myself. This is how the door gets opened. One of the many treasures I have gotten from being here is that we can all spot the BS.

[This message edited by Happenedtome2 at 11:49 AM, July 18th (Saturday)]

You're not new to this, this time. You know what to do.

But, be careful. If she even gets a whiff you're even looking at things at all, this will go deeper underground than the deepest mine.

I hope this is all nothing.

If it is, well, I wish you the best.

I can tell you this: you will never trust this woman ever.

And, yes, that kind of a reply to "him" was beyond over the top. She definitely shouldn't be having any of these kinds of conversations. No Way.

Disrespect = Divorce

She knows better. So sorry for you.

Ramius, I read the term "gray rock" here over the last few days. I don't know who used it first, but it is exactly where I'm headed. Spaceghost Coast to Coast. I'm more like Zorak at the moment.... grouchy and pissed off but focused.

You're not new to this, this time. You know what to do.

Laser. Frikkin' Focused.

and by the way - messaging a man (not your husband) on facebook and offering him a shoulder to cry on is basically the kickoff for an affair. It’s an act of infidelity. If she had never cheated on you it would be highly inappropriate and a crossing Of a hard boundary.

I agree with this completely.

If she had come to you and said, "Can I give out my number to coworker?" You would've said, "HELL NO!" That's why she failed to mention the messages and now texts/calls. She knows you wouldn't like this and I doubt that you've been quiet about your feelings regarding same sex friendships and "Not Just Friends" in the past. Even if it's only an EA right now, this looks like deliberate fishing on her part. She knows better than this.

Even if it's only an EA right now, this looks like deliberate fishing on her part. She knows better than this

Everybody's reading my mind today

Part of the post that he put up on his page was literally a fishing expedition.

That is what she responded to. She's probably not the only one either. She took the bait.

Anna, thanks. Much appreciated.

Thumos, in thinking about your comment about BH's - If you had said that to me ... I dunno, maybe 6 months after it happened I would have probably said you're 100% correct. Today I can't say that because I REALLY thought we had done a great job of repairing what was wrong. Either I was wrong or I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. Either way, the next few days will tell the story.

The issue is that she has no clue about boundaries. Especially as it pertains to some who has a history of cheating. You found out about this. Maybe it is nothing yet, but the others are right. She opened the door for another EA and more likely with more proximity a PA.

Think about your life going forward. Are you willing to spend your life as a detective?

She will have a story about trying to help him thru a tough time. But after the other issue it looks like she got comfortable and decided to help a friend...not her job anymore.

You are not wrong here. Even if “nothing happened” and she is just being a friend the problem is

1. She didn’t inform you 🚩

2. She didn’t honor a marriage boundary that I’m certain you discussed after the last Affair

3. She disrespected you by lying by omission 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Her lack of communication is problem number 1, followed by disrespecting her marriage/spouse. She knows this. She’s not stupid.

Honestly I don’t see the need to confront or discuss. Maybe I am too black and white but if I were in your position it would be more of “I’m sorry it has come to this but I saw your posts on FB to Mr X and I’m no longer going to be a third party living in the dark in my marriage.”

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:19 PM, July 18th (Saturday)]

NO NO NO NO NO

She is either really clueless, as in total lack of self awareness, or has zero respect for you. This is total slap in the face.

That sucks, man. You know the drill. Good luck.

waitedwaytoolong:

The issue is that she has no clue about boundaries.

Hi Happenedtome2, I have a question.

Have you set clear boundaries with your WW about having friends with opposite sex?

It's important because if you did, then she is clearly what squid said:

squid:

She is either really clueless, as in total lack of self awareness, or has zero respect for you. This is total slap in the face.

If you didn't, then maybe enforce such boundaries before you jump the gun?!

[This message edited by Kaliber at 5:44 PM, July 18th (Saturday)]

Ugh - I'm sorry you are here. My WH (who had an A with a married co-worker) came home a few months ago ago and told me that another female co-worker who works with him (so does her husband - the place is so like high school it's stupid) was confiding him my WH that she and her H were getting divorced. According to him she wasn't really confiding in him so much a talking out loud in the break room to him in a tone anyone could hear (I think her agenda was to badmouth her H in earshot of his friends/co-workers and not to start anything with my H) but either way, he told me immediately...and my WH sucks at anything related to R.

So you are not off base with how you feel - but I HATED the "I need to return to detective mode" so quickly. Maybe you will find nothing and then you can have the "why the fuck would you even do that" conversation...but IDK what to tell you really except trust yourself!