SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

Anna123 posted 7/25/2020 08:56 AM

It triggers the same feel good centers of the brain as drugs. Texting also triggers the same centers of the brain as face to face conversation - and can build an emotional bond very quickly (days).

I didn't know this! Very interesting. It makes sense though. It is still a one on one connection.

Happenedtome2 posted 7/25/2020 11:08 AM

Oh I think you read it correctly (for her it's inappropriate) - but IMO she's just being careless/stupid vs looking to cheat.

Exactly. When I first confronted her though (when she walked in on me checking her phone) I was all about it being her trying to start another A.

Obviously I had my reasons for looking at it that way and she now gets that, but I also could not hammer it home enough that contact with men is inappropriate after what she pulled 2 years ago. You are 100% correct about the brain triggers. All it takes is a few ego kibbles and it's off to the races. Careless and inappropriate, but enough that I have D papers ready, money set aside, a place to go and a suitcase ready.

faithfulman posted 7/25/2020 11:24 AM

Very frequently cheaters, but especially cheating women, are not "looking to cheat".

But somehow, they just find themselves in situations where they cross boundary after boundary, and "it just happens"!

"I didn't mean for it happen", and it was "only this or that", "because XYZ", and "It will never happen again" - until the next obvious boundary is crossed.

Happenedtome2 - you pursue this any way you like, but I think you are giving your wife way too little credit, like she is a child. The kind of overture she made to this man - which was her initiative - is an obvious boundary that should not be crossed, for any wife/husband/partner without express discussion with the spouse/partner, let alone a woman who has been busted in a sexualized emotional affair.

For example:

Wife: "Happenedtome2 - this guy at work is having such a rough go of it, I think he needs some emotional support..."

Happenedtome2: "Fuck that bullshit, he's a grown man and he is not your husband, not your problem, maybe he should cool it with the drinking and get his fat ass into therapy. DO NOT GET INVOLVED!"

[This message edited by faithfulman at 11:26 AM, July 25th (Saturday)]

Butforthegrace posted 7/25/2020 12:00 PM

Happenedtome2 - you pursue this any way you like, but I think you are giving your wife way too little credit, like she is a child. The kind of overture she made to this man - which was her initiative - is an obvious boundary that should not be crossed, for any wife/husband/partner without express discussion with the spouse/partner, let alone a woman who has been busted in a sexualized emotional affair.

For example:

Wife: "Happenedtome2 - this guy at work is having such a rough go of it, I think he needs some emotional support..."

Happenedtome2: "Fuck that bullshit, he's a grown man and he is not your husband, not your problem, maybe he should cool it with the drinking and get his fat ass into therapy. DO NOT GET INVOLVED!"

So true. I recall a thread on here some time ago where, after Dday, the WW (whose A was with a coworker) was trying to set a different coworker up with a woman because he was lonely and horny. So many levels of wrong with that.

Happenedtome2 posted 7/25/2020 12:37 PM

Happenedtome2: "Fuck that bullshit, he's a grown man and he is not your husband, not your problem, maybe he should cool it with the drinking and get his fat ass into therapy. DO NOT GET INVOLVED!"

Not even gonna lie, I laughed out loud at that.

There was the exchange between W and myself that got me to filling out paperwork - " he has friends, let them handle it. You have a problem with boundaries. That is undeniable. He put his "woe is me" bait post on his page and you took the bait whether on purpose or not. That is how affairs start. It literally opens the door for another broken piece of shit to interfere in our lives and I will not have it. If you aren't going to talk to your counselor we are getting divorced. "

ramius posted 7/27/2020 15:46 PM

Ego kibble.

She got a taste of it. And she really liked it. And now there will always be the voice in the back of her head going “girl you can get some of that again. “

Maybe she could learn to white knuckle it for a while. But it’s not ever going away. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life knowing that it anytime, for any reason, she could get the bug and pull the same shit again?

This is the reason drug dealers hand out samples for free.

Tallgirl posted 7/29/2020 05:39 AM

are you simply done with this marriage?

Notmine posted 7/29/2020 08:09 AM

Agree that social media should be discontinued, at least until counseling has addressed the boundary issue. My FWH and I share a FB account. That sets an immediate boundary for both anyone who may be trying to establish an inappropriate connection to either of us and for my husband. We have no other social media presence. I also have unlimited access to all accounts at all times.

Agree that the counselor needs to be advised and work needs to be done.

She got a taste of it. And she really liked it. And now there will always be the voice in the back of her head going “girl you can get some of that again[

This kind of thinking I disagree with. It is inflammatory and not based on facts or personal knowledge of Happenedtome2 or his wife. It is frustrating to see people jump to conclusions about others, especially, but not restricted to Waywards, on this site . I have been guilty of this myself when triggered. It is not helpful IMHO, and can cause BS to make unfortunate and overly hasty decisions, which we counsel against repeatedly . We consistently advise the BS on JFO NOT to make decisions right away, They suffer enough without having other posters add to their misery with opinions disguised as fact. What is helpful is when we look at the facts and use those to inform our responses.

My FWH recently crossed a boundary too. He has been busting his ass to prove to me that he is worthy of our marriage for the last 4.8 years. He had been rigorously honest during this time, which I can consistently verify. His affair was with a client. He is aware that he has boundary issues, which are what got him into trouble before. Another female client recently began telling him about her husband’s infidelity, which they are divorcing over. Instead of setting a professional boundary, my husband began telling her about our experience. He, like Happenedtome2’s wife, previously mentioned that this client was having problems to me. When I found out about his conversation with this client, I was immediately on high alert and triggered. I chose to give my husband the benefit if the doubt, based on his consistently remorseful behavior and concrete actions as a rebuilder. I explained why I was upset and what my expectation was and told him that he must discuss with his therapist. His therapist supported my thinking and helped my husband to see and deal with his boundary issues. This is a process. My husband has had these issues for a long time. They will not be resolved quickly. This is the first time I can remember where his boundary issues have put me on alert in the past 4 years. He did not lie to me and was up front about his conversation with this client. I saw the issue and addressed it. He now understands that this was a boundary he needs to work on.

Happenedtome2, this may or may not be a reason for terminating a marriage. It depends on your own feelings. I have let go of being the marriage police. If an issue comes up, I address it immediately. If I see deception-based inappropriate behavior, I am done. No more dishonesty ever is a non-negotiable for me. Since my husband was open and honest in all other areas, and discussed this me openly, I felt that this was not a deal breaker.

Sorry for the long post. I wanted to throw out a different perspective. Infidelity can be a dealbreaker and that is ok. I feel like it is important to look at the decision from more than one perspective.

Bor9455 posted 7/29/2020 08:44 AM

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:58 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

Cooley2here posted 7/29/2020 14:53 PM

I have know my best friend and her husband all my life. He and I text, email and occasionally talk. About what you might ask. The military. He was AF. Some politics and books. We have NEVER discussed personal issues. If their marriage hits a rough patch she and I talk. Never would discuus with him.
Your line in the sand keeps getting erased. She’s interested or she would have told you about it. I agree with others. Black and white means no misunderstandings. She is either all in or you’re out.

ramius posted 7/29/2020 16:01 PM

This kind of thinking I disagree with. It is inflammatory and not based on facts or personal knowledge of Happenedtome2 or his wife.

If having personal knowledge of people is a prerequisite to offering advice and opinion, then what is the point of a forum? Under your system we can only give advice to people we know personally.

Well, we know this much. She had an emotional affair. And then she went fishing for another one.

Notmine posted 7/29/2020 18:05 PM

Incorrect. Read the post again.

Notmine posted 7/30/2020 17:25 PM

I thought about your post, Ramuis, and we do not "know" that she went fishing. It looks like she might have been fishing, but we do not live in Ithappenedtome2's wife's head, so we cannot speak in absolutes regarding her motivations. As Bor9455 so kindly pointed out, there is a difference between infidelity and a setback. Infidelity is unacceptable, but as I pointed out in my post, if a Wayward is exhibiting the behavior of a remorseful spouse, and is taking actions which assist in the healing of the BS, then it is up to the BS to make the determination whether their WS' behavior is a setback, which might engender a different response than outright infidelity.

Tempocontour posted 8/2/2020 22:12 PM

Any update? Did she change your mind?

Happenedtome2 posted 8/3/2020 19:14 PM

Minor update. Nothing further from fatass woe is me, but I happened to run an errand with W 2 days ago. Turns out a friend is going through a separation and likely divorce. No infidelity but her H seems to have developed some sort of mental instability / verbally abusive behavior and she reached out to W.

W was telling me the story and she gave some details about the living arrangements. I chimed in that our state has a 30 day cooling off period if the D is uncontested but there has to be a 2 year non-cohabitation if there is a contested D or if one person simply refuses to sign off. She asked about them living together now and I said it's a no go usually because they cannot co-habitate during the process. She asked how I knew all this and I said "did you think I was joking with you when I said counseling or divorce?" Silence .

Buffer posted 8/4/2020 00:06 AM

Bet that gave her a cold chill and a shocked look. One day at a time
Buffer

Happenedtome2 posted 8/4/2020 23:14 PM

It was a quiet ride home. Spent the day dealing with rainwater in the house . Zero help from W even though I was lighting the kids up to get their stuff off the basement floor.

Completely unrelated, but dammit the house is an investment regardless of who ends up with it and yet I I have solely done 100% of the upkeep on it while also working 40hr weeks and commuting. GOD I wanna scream right now.

ramius posted 8/5/2020 02:26 AM

Spent the day dealing with rainwater in the house . Zero help from W even though I was lighting the kids up to get their stuff off the basement floor.

What a peach you have there. A true catch.

IMO (standard disclaimer) a remorseful, worried she might lose her husband WW, would be more helpful and supportive than she is.

nekonamida posted 8/6/2020 09:21 AM

Happened, she sounds like she's still selfish. Couldn't be bothered to help out when you and the kids were dealing with a flood? Leaves you to do all of the chores on top of a full work week? The entitlement is high even without her cheating. Are you sure you can get a good spouse out of her through counseling? Do you want a marriage where you do the heavy lifting by default? And then there's all of the infidelity crap too.

faithfulman posted 8/6/2020 09:33 AM

It was a quiet ride home. Spent the day dealing with rainwater in the house . Zero help from W even though I was lighting the kids up to get their stuff off the basement floor.

Completely unrelated, but dammit the house is an investment regardless of who ends up with it and yet I I have solely done 100% of the upkeep on it while also working 40hr weeks and commuting. GOD I wanna scream right now.

If you want her to take interest, maybe post something about it on Facebook.