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Always....Always.... Follow your gut.....

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Tanner posted 7/21/2020 11:09 AM

She really thinks that she didn't do anything wrong.

This has caused me to remind my W that any interaction with a man has to be disclosed immediately. She is a personal trainer so creeps reach out on SM all the time. She lets me have fun with them

thatbpguy posted 7/21/2020 11:25 AM

There was one brief conversation yesterday. In the car. I alluded to the fact that since we decided to fix things I had tried to do things differently and I could tell that she had as well. I though things had really improved. No response. She really thinks that she didn't do anything wrong.

Some people neither set margins & boundaries, nor do they even want to understand them.

Robert22205https posted 7/21/2020 11:36 AM

I recall her previous history and fetish with an OM online.

I think your wife becomes someone else online. And that someone else is not a safe partner.

IMO your wife should never (never) be on social media again or have any unsupervised contact with other men.

Why? because she either is unable to understand/apply boundaries or she can't resist the temptation of getting any sort of attention from other men.


Kaliber posted 7/21/2020 11:40 AM

Robert22205https:
IMO your wife should never (never) be on social media again

This..

Happenedtome2 posted 7/21/2020 12:22 PM

I am disappointed to see that your wife didn't recognize that her actions might be completely above aboard with pure intentions, but that they are perceived by you in a different way and ultimately hurtful to you.

Bor, THIS ^^^^^^ All day long. I appreciate your insight on this.

Look, do I believe that she had ill intention? I am unsure. Like I said, she DID tell me the guy was having problems. The line was crossed however when she made it her business. "The guy has his own friends. Let them handle it" is exactly how I put it to her.

Robert, that is how it went down DDay1. That creep took off and surprisingly never looked back the day after DDay1 (if I remember correctly he tried to message her but it was after NC message was sent. Only reason I knew was a blocked message from his number in the phone log).
The fact that her fetish was now out in the open I think helped her curb the need to look elsewhere, especially since I didn't make a big deal out of it other than the fact that she chose to hide it from me.

The situation now is about a boundary crossed. Too much for me to recover from because it brought back the entire nightmare from DDay1 and really, do I want to keep seeing visions of text messages or emails in my head and look over my shoulder for the rest of my life? Nope.

Bor9455 posted 7/21/2020 12:39 PM

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:56 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

faithfulman posted 7/21/2020 12:40 PM

Posted by Bor9455:

My message is that communication is important. Sure, you are upset by what you saw and given the context of being in R, it is understandable. I am disappointed to see that your wife didn't recognize that her actions might be completely above aboard with pure intentions, but that they are perceived by you in a different way and ultimately hurtful to you.

Your actions of liking some woman's tweet are night and day different from Happenedtome2's wife's actions.

She directly contacted and offered support, companionship, etc. to a man who is not her husband.

Completely inexcusable.

Making it worse, she actually knows this person in real life as a coworker.

She knows this is wrong. It's sketchy for a couple who isn't try to reconcile, let alone from someone who is a cheater.

She knew she did something wrong. She almost certainly is playing a mind game with herself to convince herself she is not crossing a boundary and her behavior is innocent, even noble!

And that's how cheaters give themselves permission to place themselves in a situation where they "unintentionally" cheat.

Happenedtome2 - she knows what she did is wrong, even though she wants to argue and won't admit it.

I don't know your whole story, but it appears to me she is escalating her behavior from online only to trying to cross over to real life.

Stay strong and stay your course.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 12:42 PM, July 21st (Tuesday)]

Happenedtome2 posted 7/21/2020 14:45 PM

R isn't easy, and there are setbacks. Perhaps there is time to re-evaluate the boundary, and maybe the boundary is no more social media for your wife

We tried that. I gave it back because there was zero reason for her not to be on FB when her friends and family are and she was missing a lot of photos and such. Fb wasn't where the problem originated...

And that's how cheaters give themselves permission to place themselves in a situation where they "unintentionally" cheat.

Exactly.

thatbpguy posted 7/21/2020 14:47 PM

Look, do I believe that she had ill intention? I am unsure.

It doesn't matter. There are lines one just doesn't cross over. Period. I think she crossed a line she should have known to leave alone. Like there's no one else in the world (including counselors) he could talk to? It just had to be your wife?

Like you, I have no idea where there new found friendship would/could have gone, but the point is that she just gravitates towards fire.

Bor9455 posted 7/21/2020 15:00 PM

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:57 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

beenthereinco posted 7/21/2020 15:08 PM

Why not have a joint FB account? I've got friends that do that. Nothing is sent or seen that the other one doesn't see.

Happenedtome2 posted 7/21/2020 16:34 PM

That would be hilarious. She has literally commented on some my posts "the opinion of the husband is not necessarily the opinion of the wife"🤣🤣🤣

Bor I truly do appreciate your insight and I understood the similarity. After DDAY 1 I also removed myself from social media with the exception of my business page. Didn't miss it. Then I joined a band and went back down the rabbit hole.

Dismayed2012 posted 7/21/2020 17:12 PM

"do I want to keep seeing visions of text messages or emails in my head and look over my shoulder for the rest of my life? Nope."

^^^ That's why I divorced. ^^^ I got myself free from looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life. No woman on this earth is worth the triggers and nagging feelings. Life is short for me and I've no desire to live it with a raging monkey on my back just waiting the opportunity to loose itself upon me. I wish the best for you.

PlanNine posted 7/22/2020 09:04 AM

and 2 were what set me off. He's apparently depressed and did the old "post something cryptic on FB" routine and she messaged him to see if he was ok. That became " here's my number, call if you need a shoulder".

A bit late to this thread, but I basically read the above as:
"Hi there, I'm obviously fishing"
"Oh, what a coincidence...it just so happens there's a hook in my mouth."

Happenedtome2 posted 7/22/2020 09:38 AM

I dunno. I met the guy once. He is basically a fat alcoholic. He may have been fishing but he did blow her off in his replies which I though was pretty funny. Guess married chicks ain't his thing

Buffer posted 7/24/2020 04:04 AM

Sorry brother,
She crossed that line that you both agreed to yet, now says she only wanted to help.
Strength to you, very good advice going your way.
One day at a time and support to you.
Buffer

Happenedtome2 posted 7/24/2020 04:28 AM

Thanks Buffer. I'm doin' 1 day at a time. I dropped D on her Wednesday night. Told her in no uncertain terms that she needs to seek counseling to address her issues with boundaries or I walk. I am preparing to do so.
Went out that night and got some much needed exercise which was great because it completely kept my mind off of it. W sent a I Love You text while I was out but I didn't see it until I got home. Came home and my oldest son gave me a hug (he has no idea what is going on to my knowledge) which was pretty awesome since it was out of nowhere. Last night my youngest tagalong was hanging out with me while I was cleaning the garage and that's been about it. Getting my crap in order so I'm prepared for whatever is next.
For the record, I believe that I did misread her intentions. It doesn't matter though. The time has come for me to right my own ship and decide whether or not I am willing to have this in the back of my head forever or to get out and start over. Like you said, she crossed a line even if her intentions were true.
This week has shown me that I have things within myself to work on. I have time off coming up and I want to spend it reconnecting with my kids since it's been a crummy summer with everything being closed. (Although my kids have taken it upon themselves to manage amazing social lives in spite of it all) . I feel good . I'm getting better. Focused.

Marz posted 7/24/2020 19:41 PM

You wanna be a marriage warden knock yourself out. I wouldn’t. She hasn’t learned a think.

Happenedtome2 posted 7/25/2020 07:49 AM

That's the key Marz. If I feel like that then I leave. Up until now there's been nothing and she has continuously exceeded my expectations for months on end which is what makes me think I misread the situation.

We did talk about it yesterday and she does understand that there should never have been contact in the first place .

That said, paperwork is in hand and at the ready. Getting financials in order over the next couple of days. I have cash on hand and a place to go if necessary.

Robert22205https posted 7/25/2020 08:51 AM

Oh I think you read it correctly (for her it's inappropriate) - but IMO she's just being careless/stupid vs looking to cheat.

IMO she needs a refresher course on boundaries vs D (but that's your decision not mine).

After all you two went through with the fetish guy, her giving another man her number is a big fail.

By giving him her number he has 24/7 access to her (a big fail) and can now text her (get inside her head).

As you know, texting (especially with her past) is a slippery slope.

It triggers the same feel good centers of the brain as drugs. Texting also triggers the same centers of the brain as face to face conversation - and can build an emotional bond very quickly (days).

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 8:54 AM, July 25th (Saturday)]

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