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Wife cheated and lied and I feel like I have nothing

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BrandonG posted 7/16/2020 10:52 AM

My wife works in the military. Recently she was on a mission and away for three months. We texted/celled on and off but not remotely as much as we should have. When she came back things were tense but she was willing to mend everything as was I. She tells me she met a lot of friends including Guy.

Two days ago I woke up and looked at the front of my wifes phone. On it was a message saying how much guy loved her and couldn't wait to lay beside her in bed. I confronted my wife about it. She stated that she feels like she loves him in a different way than me and neither is more than the other. She also goes on to explain nothing has happened, they are purely friends.At this time I take this at face value. She says he is in a relationship but this has shown her that maybe she doesn't want to be in this one with me if she can feel such extreme feelings for someone else. We talk/argue/cry etc and come to the conclusion that we give it 6 months to try and make things work.Why throw it away if we can't give it 100% and see if we can get that spark back. I need to work harder on our relationship then maybe my wife will continue to love me and this can be in the past.

Two days later she informs me guy is coming up for the weekend for his birthday. She tells me she's going to go out, she wants to be friends with him still etc. I'm very very uncomfortable about this and I tell her that but one of the things we talked about was trust and not keeping her on a leash.

This is where shit gets twisted, yes even more, yes I get that it seems obvious it would of happened.

The end result of their night is they got drunk at her sisters place whom I am good friends with. Sister ensures everything was fine. Next day I go to see guy/wife both are hungover. We sit down on the couch and wife attempts to hold hands with guy and me.I flip out. Me and her chat, me and him chat. In the end he feels that holding hands with my wife is fine as in his country this thing is normal among friends.I tell him its not fine with me. She says she wants to try to fix our relationship but values this feeling/friendship with him. They both assure me that they are respectful, he doesn't wanna be a homewrecker and has a long-term gf of his own.

That night I leave as after I talked to her she wanted to sit down and talk to him.

I get a phone call from wifes mom and sister.

They tell me 1: She kissed guy last night.

2: They are currently alone in the master bedroom of my sisters house and the shower is running.

Sister of wife texts her telling her to gtfo out of her house.

My wife shows up back home later that day saying she doesn't remember the kiss and gives me an excuse for him being up there (bringing shampoo)? Her stories and mother/sister stories are wildly different.

I look at her phone later ( I have 0 trust at this point) and she's telling her sister different stories than she told me.

The next day we sit down. She finally comes clean and they had an affair, no sex but everything else but.She says she really just doesn't love me in that way anymore.

I am trying to move on, we live in the same house. Its hard to eat, to find joy in things. I just can't believe this is happening to me.

beenthereinco posted 7/16/2020 11:15 AM

Hi Brandon,
I am so sorry you are here. I wish nobody would ever have reason to be. But it happens and here you are. Your WW (Wayward Wife) is gone. All of the stories about how they haven't had sex is a lie but I'm sure you know that. Look there is nothing here for you to work with. You really should only start the divorce process.

1. Separate your finances, open your own checking and savings, move half your money there, change your direct deposits from work, close joint credit cards.
2. See an attorney ASAP
3. File for Divorce and ask for sole use of the home in the separation agreement and tell her to go live with the POS

How long have you been married? Do you have kids? Is your WW or the OM subordinate to each other? This is technically a UCMJ violation alone with the Affair but it is likely to not be a problem unless they have a command relationship or one of them is enlisted and the other an officer. You can certainly threaten her with telling her chain of command if you need some leverage to get her out of the house.

Definitely though see a lawyer and stop listening and believing anything she says.

goalong posted 7/16/2020 11:24 AM

Not only she is cheating, she has no respect for you. Unlike your birth family, marriage family is a contract, think it like as it is and move on asap for your welfare and happiness.

Okokok posted 7/16/2020 11:51 AM

Hi BrandonG, sorry you're here but glad you found this place. Please be sure to check out the Healing Library (left side of the page) and read everything you can there. While you're at it, read as many posts as you can here as well.

Read enough and you'll eventually figure out, as special as your relationship is with your wife and as unique as your situation is, affairs all tend to follow the same old tired patterns.

She finally comes clean and they had an affair, no sex but everything else but.

This is a lie more than 99% of the time. One of the most common thing WSs (wayward spouses) say at first. Do not believe this, and be sure to get an STD test. I'd wager everything in my bank account that they have had sex. I'm sorry you have to read that, but it's important to know what's going on.

You're in a traumatic and absurd situation. Just typing it out, you must have felt that it sounded so crazy. None of this is ok. None of it. You know this intuitively.

You are going to get a ton of advice. Some of it will feel like a 2x4 to the face. Listen to all of it, process what you can, and post here as much as possible. Ask questions and answer questions that are asked of you to the greatest extent possible.

There is a lot of support to be had here, and we're all here for you.

I am trying to move on

By this, you mean you're moving forward toward divorce?

How long ago did this all go down? What sorts of things is she doing and saying now? What are you doing and saying?

Its hard to eat, to find joy in things. I just can't believe this is happening to me.

It is so hard. Again, you've been traumatized and you're actively in the middle of that situation.

The eating is not the most important thing, though you should try to get some calories. Definitely be sure you're drinking enough water. Talk to your doctor and tell them everything. It's ok to do that. Some people get some relief with sleep meds and/or anxiety meds. Chat with the doc. And get that STD test.

Daily exercise, even just a walk, can be super helpful. Avoiding alcohol, especially when you're anywhere near her, is also important.

Keep posting. Again, so sorry you're here.

Oh, one more thing: if everything could start going your way from this point forward, what would that look like for you?

[This message edited by Okokok at 11:51 AM, July 16th (Thursday)]

GoldenR posted 7/16/2020 11:56 AM

Adults had an affair but no sex.

Fucking please. Tell me you aren't buying that horseshit.

fareast posted 7/16/2020 12:29 PM

BrandonG:

Sorry you ended up here. Boy, your story is hard to read. Here is what I feel is most important: always value yourself. Right now your WW is showing you the ultimate disrespect. She goes out with her OM for his birthday and stays out all night. She holds hands with him in front of you. I hope you have been tested for STDs. If you havenít already, see an attorney and file for D and have her served. Expose her to the OMís gf and your mutual friends and family. She has told you, she doesnít love you, and you have said you are moving on. No contact will help you detach and heal. Get separated and start working on yourself. Get IC if you need it. Only communicate by email for the D process and finances. I am assuming you have no children. The faster you get this unremorseful liar and cheater in the rear view mirror, the better. Good luck.

rugswept posted 7/16/2020 12:39 PM

She's guilty. That's established.

The only question is: what are YOU going to do about it.

And you end up with your W and OM in a little chit chat? That's over the top, marriage ending infringement of territory.

It's up to you. And what you want.

Bor9455 posted 7/16/2020 12:56 PM

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:24 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

tushnurse posted 7/16/2020 12:58 PM

Brandon - I know this hurts a tremendous amount and the confusion you feel is normal too.

Your W however has made it very clear she has no intention of stopping. So you really have only 2 choices, rugsweep and pretend life is normal and continue doubt yourself, and have this anxiety, or the second. Divorce.

1. See a few attorney's learn your rights, her obligations, get your financial house in order so that you can start to separate your life from hers.

2. Dr - Get STD testing and tell them what's going on . That you are unable to eat, or sleep if you are struggling w/ that. Do NOT underplay the level of trauma you are going through. Deal w/ it in a healthy forthright manner so you can heal and have a great life. Talk to your Dr about medications and therapy, ask for a referral to a therapist (IC) that specializes in trauma.

3. Stop talking to her, stop listening to her, detach as much as possible. Everytime you engage her and she is acting like this you will walk away hurting and confused. KNow that you did NOTHING to contribute to this. Cheaters cheat because they are broken people, not because of anything their spouse did or did not do. Despite what she may say. So limiting interaction will limit her confusing you, and causing you pain.

Check out the healing library upper left side of your screen.

Make sure you are doing one nice thing for yourself every single day. You need to be priority one. Stay healthy, stay strong. Avoid alcohol and drugs, they are depressants, and try to get some exercise daily. It will help w/ anxiety, anger, and sleep.

OldNeighbour posted 7/16/2020 13:09 PM

Brandon, Iím sorry to see you here, but itís a good place to be for help in the ride of your lifetime.
I hope you donít believe a word of the bullshit your wife is trying to feed you. He canít wait to lay in bed beside her? How would he know what thatís like and just a friend? Come on!

Friends can love each other, but the lay in bed thing is beyond friendship.

You obviously must know they had sex. Her own sister telling her to gtfo, she knows. Bringing shampoo, what the hell is he doing in the bathroom with your naked wife. ( if the water was running, you can assume that she was in the shower.

It seems your MIL and SIL are on your side for now, would be interesting to see what they were told. On the other hand, they are her immediate family so be wary.

You have been given some good information as to your next moves. You know what you gotta do.

Check for STDís
Separate bank accounts
Inform his SO
Ask her, donít tell her to move out
File for divorce, you can end the process anytime
Expose far and wide.

Does Guy work in the same place, how long have you been married? Are any children involved? What countries are you talking about as you said in his country?

Personally, I donít believe that you can love two people particularly when she should be loving you as her husband period. Nobody and I mean nobody should be sharing that space in her heart.

I would tell you what I personally think, but itís only what I would have done as she came home. As well my discussion when he was holding her hand in front of me might have had an entirely different outcome. Iím glad you kept your cool even after flipping out, but the POS actually said they are respectful? BS. I feel angry for you.

Now, please understand that this is just my opinion and I hope for the best for you. Hang in there and follow the advice of those who have dealt with such devastating infidelity and have made it through.

SlapNutsABingo posted 7/16/2020 13:11 PM

BrandonG,

You didn't elaborate on her deployment. Was she stationed with him or in proximity of him? Is he also in the military?

Westway posted 7/16/2020 13:16 PM

Yeah, she a lying sack of sh*t.

Go see three lawyers for free consults asap and get the ball rolling. She has left the marriage. No salvaging this.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Thumos posted 7/16/2020 13:45 PM

Very sorry about this. This is really off the charts painful, And her behavior is so beyond the pale. And Iíve experienced plenty myself, and Iíve read some doozies.

1. This was a full-on sexual affair. Your heart doesnít want to accept that but based on what youíve told us, you know it to be true. Itís the worst form of betrayal a man can experience.

2. See an attorney and file for divorce. Do not pass GO. Do this immediately. Divorces donít happen immediately, and you can change your mind. But filing brings a much-needed shock of reality into the situation.

3. Get tested for STDís immediately. She had sex with him and then you - you have been exposed to potentially life threatening diseases.

4. Get a VAR for yourself to carry around In a pocket to ensure your WW doesnít try to foment a false DV charge.

5. Get a VAR for her car and another for somewhere else.

6. Inform her superior officer, especially if this OM POS is in the military or in another nationís military working with our own.

7. While doing all of this, implement what is called the hard 180. You can read more about it in library sidebar here on this website. The 180 long-term is a bit of a mindf*ck but I think itís useful in the short term to separate yourself from her shitshow.

8. Force yourself to eat at least one healthy robust meal a day. Drink plenty of water. Avoid alcohol and hit the weights. Weightlifting is a perfect way to relieve stress, boost your self confidence, and will also help your brain chemistry.

9. Separate your finances immediately as others have said.

Her family already knows and seems to be siding with you - which is good. That helps to bring some reality into the fantasyland of infidelity. Tell others as you see fit as well.

If no kids, I would run, not walk, away from this mess. Your wife seems to have picked up some bizarre notions that seem pretty popular among certain women these days about setting up an open, polyamorous marriage where she gets all the goodies and you get all the pain.

I think you know already itís not going to work. You strike me as the kind of fella that isnít going to be ok with participating in some sick cuckold kabuki theater drama. So donít. Donít tolerate it one minute longer.

Be clear you wonít accept being treated with such disrespect and dishonor and leave the shitshow this is going to be. Exit stage right pronto.

EDIT: This site tends to lean toward reconciliation. Who wouldnít to see a family remain intact and a relationship restored if possible. Only you will find that when the disrespect and contempt shown by a wayward spouse is so deep, then it becomes clear that reconciliation is much less likely. Your WW needs a real shock and awe treatment to wake up.

She is exhibiting all the characteristics of a WW who believes at least that she has ďmoved on.Ē If thatís the case, your pleading and moping around the house is only making the problem more severe by the minute. Her lack of respect for you is deepening, not resolving.

Youíll know pretty quickly if sheís even a candidate for R by how she behaves immediately after receiving a divorce filing and in the weeks after that. Keep your contact with her as minimal as you can.

[This message edited by Thumos at 3:32 PM, July 16th (Thursday)]

VinST posted 7/16/2020 14:04 PM

The mere fact that she could muster the courage to ask you to go see her lover is enough evidence that you are not respected nor the aplpha-male in her eyes. You have to ask yourself why you would even allow such a night out. Maybe I am too old fashioned but that is what marriage all about... you obviously lacked the authority to make decisive decisions and take control.... She had already made it clear that she had feelings for him (and most likely had sex with him)
What you need is prompt action. All betrayed men who did this ended up better for it.
You have no kids... walk away from this. there is nothing to save here the way I see it...
Oh and no sex??? that's so textbook.. all cheaters lie! Wake up sir.. get out of this while there are no kids and you can walk away with your dignity in tact. hand her over to guy

fooled13years posted 7/16/2020 14:19 PM

things we talked about was trust and not keeping her on a leash

If anyone hears this from their spouse then they might want to consider their relationship deeply damaged or over.

Dismayed2012 posted 7/16/2020 14:21 PM

"...no sex but everything else..."

This is typical cheater lying. She's been having a full-on affair with the other man. She's lying to you, her family, and probably other people about it. She wants you for stability and the other man for fun. Your situation is sadly not uncommon. Cheaters, male and female, want the best of both worlds. Their desires are higher in their minds than anyone else's.

If you have no children and no other ties to your cheating wife, you should see the JAG on base and get yourself divorced from your betrayer.

The woman you thought you married never existed. The real woman you married is showing you herself and what she is. Don't live on the fence with your pain and suffering. Seek your freedom and seek it fast. Do it while she's still in the fog with the other man.

The woman you married will only bring you continued and future pain and suffering. Take your life back. Break free from the life she's choosing for you and choose your freedom. You have options.

Right now you're in pain; we've all been there; but you need to move forward in spite of your pain. She's made her choice. Now it's time for you to make yours. Get out while you're still young and have many hopeful years ahead of you.

Finding a good woman isn't hard. Just don't pick the same type of woman again. This life is about you now. You're worth the effort to take back your dignity and self esteem. Stand up for yourself and your freedom. Use this experience to work hard and be more successful than you've ever been. I wish the best for you.

Phantasmagoria posted 7/16/2020 14:39 PM

We sit down on the couch and wife attempts to hold hands with guy and me.

Typical cheater mindset - she thinks sheís such a prize when the reality is sheís just selfish and entitled and acting like a spoiled child.

Are they both in the military? Report them to their superiors, and tell the OMís girlfriend if you know how to contact her. Redeem respect for yourself by taking decisive actions that show youíre not going to stand for her nonsense.

I know this stuff is hard when you feel so crushed but you can either wallow in self pity or take assertive steps to remove yourself from being in a victim state of infidelity. She has fucked up and you need to call her on it and let her know you wonít stand for it. No tears, no anger or emotions, just assertive and decisive actions. Thereís only one way out of these situations and that is to take control of what you can.

DeWittle posted 7/17/2020 01:07 AM

No kids. Monday morning take the information you have to JAG, not her chain of command. Let them deal with this situation. Then RUN!

Buffer posted 7/17/2020 03:30 AM

Brother,
Shit show. She has proven she is a lying 🤥 cheating manipulative person. Shame on her.
You need to distance yourself now! Get tested for STDs as well as STIs. Please seek legal advice for your location. You need to know your rights as well as her responsibilities.
She is in a fog and has left the marriage. Depending on what you want, if it is R. Then you have to be prepared to loose the marriage. I mean expose her actions to all. Her family know, JAG and her command need to be informed, as well as his, does he have a significant other, pass on that they are in a PA!
If you are going to D, then have her served at her base? She can move into the single quarters there.
There are always two side to every story, but her deliberate actions have led her away from you. She has lied, made conscious decisions to get to where you are.

For your self, try to exercise, no booze just water and try to eat healthy.
Do Not try to win your WW with the pick me dance, it wonít work; she will see you as being weak.
Start the hard 180 now! Talk through text and only about any children or house schedules. She will blame you, her job and every one else bar her and her POS.
Good luck, and talk with a trusted friend.
One day at a time.
Buffer

ThisIsSoLonely posted 7/17/2020 11:01 AM

The fact is that who cares if they had sex or not...trying to hold your hand while he was there and hold his too?!?!?! Personally I would prefer hidden sex to blatant disregard for my feelings and total disrespect thrown in my face - that level of disregard is simply astounding. I'm so sorry you're here. I've been through a LOT and I can't imagine having to deal with that bullshit (sorry for the language, but bullshit is being kind).

Please distance yourself from this garbage...I know it's way easier said than done but usually with distance comes clarity.

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