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I just found out my husband had an affair 25 years ago

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Hamilton posted 7/1/2020 18:47 PM

Three weeks ago I received an email from a woman saying she and my husband had an affair. They both worked at the same place and had sex whenever he was in town on business. She she described in detail where they had sex and she was very in love with him. She said she told him she was pregnant and he gave her money for an abortion but she didnít do it, and WH Is the father of her grown son. She wanted a paternity test and told me to ďfeel freeĒ to call her. Second email sent to me a few hours later described her son and his middle name after WH. She said she contacted WH via LinkedIn and would let me know when he responded to her. Asked me to ďpleaseĒ call her. Third email an hour later said WH responded to LinkedIn and wanted to ďkeep me in the loopĒ. Thatís when I emailed ďf off I donít need you to keep me in the loop and stop emailing me.Ē A glass of wine later I emailed her and said we have zero interest in you and your familyĒ. Confronted WH and he admitted to it. Said only a handful of times over a couple of months. Said she told him she was pregnant but was married and he never gave her money for an abortion. They didnít have contact after that.
She sent me another email calling me names and saying they were in love and where they had sex , same as prior email but additional details about her:! Previous stripper, multiple boob jobs, had herpes. She said I was a fool and she was coming after us financially and for paternity. Begged me to call her. I blocked her, I donít even know how she got my email. One week ago she emailed again ďI know where you live and work...Ē Iím devastated to find out he cheated on me. Weíve been happy for 25 years. I canít forget, can I forgive and move forward? I want to know why he did it. He will talk openly about it but says he doesnít remember details . It was a sexual attraction.

Buffer posted 7/1/2020 19:42 PM

Wow what a storm.
First off he tested now for STIs. Then seek legal advice regarding what rights and responsibilities he may have as well as your relationship rights.
Did you have a idea that he was being unfaithful? Could this be true? Or others?
If this is new then take time and think.
One day at a time
Buffer

Hamilton posted 7/1/2020 19:53 PM

I had no idea it was happening. He swears it was the only time. Iím not sure what to think about the OW and her claims. I want to be believe him but itís so raw right I canít think straight.

nekonamida posted 7/1/2020 21:05 PM

The son may be able to sue for child support. It's not common but it does happen and he can win if paternity is proven. You need to consult a lawyer right away.

What is your WH saying about this? How do you know there isn't another OW out there? What about more kids that you don't know about? Don't be so quick to believe she was the only one.

The1stWife posted 7/1/2020 21:46 PM

Donít do anything until you have confirmation this child is your husbandís child.

The get a lawyer. Protect yourself first. Your $ shouid nit be used to pay if it comes to that.

Then get yourself a good therapist or counselor. You wonít survive this without professional counseling

Buffer posted 7/1/2020 22:11 PM

It feel like it just happened, as you just now have been told.
Just take it slow. Try and find out from WH the bits you need then take it to the legal adviser. It is strange that the OW could remember his name years or even decades after.
One day at a time
Buffer

allusions posted 7/1/2020 23:14 PM

Definitely talk to a lawyer about this. I'm curious as to why she's suddenly wanting to invade your lives and wants money. Why didn't she go for child support when the son was actually a child? She was married when she had him?

I'd continue to block her. If she shows up at your work or home call the police.

standinghere posted 7/2/2020 02:56 AM

Lawyer up.

She may actually be able to sue for compensation for child support monies he never paid, but the statute of limitations may apply and only a lawyer will know all of that.

MC up, because you just discovered this and it is horrible to process, there may be a lot more to discover.

He swears it was the only time.

Yeah, believe little right now, my FWS swore it never even happened.

Notmine posted 7/2/2020 06:01 AM

Agree with others. Consult with a lawyer. The OC is grown now, so I am not sure they can get any $$, especially since the mother of the child admits she did not tell your WH that she was pregnant or file any claim when he was a child. GET PATERNITY FIRST. You and your husband should not be speaking to her. If paternity comes back positive for your husband, then your attorney can contact if that is even necessary. There is nothing to discuss until that time. OW may be fishing to see what she can get by intimidating you. Since the child is a grown man, and there were no previous petitions for child support, your husband may not have to participate in a paternity test. She made the decision not to involve him while the child was still a child. If you do contact her, do it only through emails so you have proof of any conversations. KEEP ALL DATA, especially if she is threatening you. She is obviously looking to hurt you, so do not respond to her emails, but keep them for the Court.

You will get through this. We all have. We all know how devastating this is.

Lalagirl posted 7/2/2020 06:11 AM

Sounds to me like she was married and now she's either divorced or widowed and is looking for money.

The child is now a man, I find it odd he has not reached out - he may not know that his mother is. SHE can't do anything since this young man is not a minor - IF there is legal recourse, he would need to initiate it.

She sounds very unstable. Definitely lawyer up and consider a restraining order.

As far as the A, as someone else said, this is new to you so you will feel the same pain, maybe worse because you feel the past 25 years have been a lie. Please seek IC to help you cope.

I am so sorry ((((HUGS))))

Notmine posted 7/2/2020 16:26 PM

SHE can't do anything since this young man is not a minor

Good point. Ignore her.

gmc94 posted 7/2/2020 17:06 PM

First, so sorry you are here. It's the best club that no one ever wants to join.

And, be wary of what the OW/AP and your WH are saying. My WH's girlfriend gave me a similar story -minus the child. That the PA was >20 yrs ago, etc. The truth is that it was the sex was the most recent decade of my M - the EA had been ongoing for that 1st 10+ years.

Another reason to be wary is why would she suddenly come out of the woodwork now? What would prompt that? I don't see how it can be $ if she's being honest about the age of the OC. It sounds like something triggered her to suddenly reach out....and it's possible that "something else" had to do with your WH.

My list would be:
1. STD check - asap
2. WH provides a complete written timeline of his PA with this woman and any other EA or PA with anyone else. I know it sucks and I know it's hard to hear (and waaaaayyyyy harder to accept), but cheaters lie. A LOT. So, IMO it's more likely than not that this isn't the only A he's had during your M. Follow up with a polygraph exam after he does the written timeline.
3. Consult an attorney about paternity in your state/country. If it really was "only" 25 years ago, then he's an adult and you probably have no financial obligations - but it depends on the state. And who the F knows if she's telling the truth?
4. IF the attorney is Ok with it, send her a NC letter and tell her that all communication must go through your attorney.
5. Get "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. It's a good "1st step" in recovering from this shit.

You can also check out the threads in the I Can Relate Forum. There are at least two that apply to your situation - for those who found out years later and Dealing with OC. Those threads will be followed by folks in similar circumstances who may not spend time in this Just Found Out forum.

Keep posting and asking for help. There is a lot of good, collective wisdom and folks who can share their experience.

Again, welcome and I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

Hurt1227 posted 7/2/2020 18:12 PM

I also found out years later about my husbandís infidelities. Which started before he met and married me. He wasn't big on attachments; therefore, found it easier to pay for what he wanted. Which was oral sex. He brought his dysfunction into our marriage for a number of years. I just found out about 9 months ago. I do believe he has forgotten some of the details. It is hard not to after so many years.
Be sure to take care of you. It is devastating. It will be a wild ride but donít let it rob you of your good memories. Donít allow it to defend you. Wishing you the best.

Hamilton posted 7/2/2020 18:44 PM

Thank you for all the responses, it feels good to have people to talk to with similar experiences. I'm not sure why the OW decided to contact us after 25 years, me specifically. Money? Destroy our marriage? She only reached out to my husband on LinkedIn (same day she sent me emails) and said she was getting a divorce after an abusive marriage.
She was also married at the time of the A but said she loved my husband so hadn't been having sex with hers that's why her son is WH's. WH said they didn't have any contact after that, he knew it was wrong. Am I a total fool to think he's telling the truth?

oldtruck posted 7/2/2020 19:57 PM

feel your pain however you need to follow a lawyers advice.

Notmine posted 7/3/2020 09:50 AM

Do not believe her. Why should you? She is dishonest. Her son may well be her husband's.

ChamomileTea posted 7/3/2020 14:01 PM

Block her in every venue you can and if she gets around your blocks, have an attorney send her a Cease & Desist. And... book a polygraph test for your WH. Chances are that if he got involve with a stripper, there's been more shenanigans than just the one off. Strippers don't just fall out of the sky, right? It's not like a situation in which boundaries are broken with a coworker and the slope gets slippery. To meet a stripper, he'd have to be frequenting places where you find strippers.

nekonamida posted 7/3/2020 14:40 PM

Am I a total fool to think he's telling the truth?

You are not a fool. BUT I do believe it's naive. Read around here more and you will see time and time again, almost no one gets the truth when they first find out. If he believed it was so wrong, he wouldn't have done it in the first place. Most WSes who get outed claim to have thought it was wrong and that they never did it again but guess what? They were lying. He's probably lying too. Think about it - in that moment 25 years ago, he got everything he wanted. Loving, faithful wife at home. Nasty girlfriend on the side. Only had to pay a pittance for an abortion. No one found out. No drama. Just dropped the OW and moved on. Why wouldn't he roll the dice again if the temptation presented himself?

Ask him if he's willing to take a polygraph test to prove it. If he's not then obviously it's because there's a lot more to this story. Demand to see his phone, email, and social media accounts while you're at it. Don't give him time to delete anything. If he won't give it up it's because he's been unfaithful recently and doesn't want you to know. Give him a little test and see for yourself if he acts honestly and transparently or if he's still another liar too.

Hamilton posted 7/14/2020 11:16 AM

. Get "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. It's a good "1st step" in recovering from this shit.

Thank you for this suggestion. WH and I are reading it and I highly recommend it. It really helps him see how I feel and what I'm going through. Thank you!

Thumos posted 7/14/2020 11:27 AM

I canít forget, can I forgive and move forward?

I think that betrayed spouses should NOT predicate forgiveness and moving forward in their own lives with the possibility of reconciliation. I was confused about this for a time. Once I understood these are truly separate things, I began to think more clearly about forgiveness.

You may reconcile. You may not. Keep that separate from forgiveness. If you reconcile, forgiveness is a prerequisite or at lest something that will need to happen in tandem with the reconciliation process. However this may be a dealbreaker. You will need time to suss that out in your own feelings and right now you are in shock. It may be that you decide that you can forgive but for your own well-being the marriage needs to end.

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