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Finally broken

BallofPain posted 7/1/2020 16:27 PM

This is incredibly hard for me to type down. All I feel right now is shame and disgust at myself.

I had an FWB for the last 3 years. It was always made clear that we were to remain FWB, nothing more.

Eventually, this past year, I found someone I wanted to be in a relationship. It was long distance. He came to visit. We enjoyed our time together and he left back to his country.

I think I was addicted to the feeling of having him around that I wanted to fill that gap. So, I sought out the FWB and had sex with him a couple of times. That was when the FWB said he had feelings for me. I didn't feel comfortable having sex with him after that. I don't understand why. From there, he held the affair over my head, saying how easy it would be to find contact info for my bf. I got scared. He reminded me time and time again how he was always there for me. That if my bf were to find out, he would be gone.

I began telling a series of lies to my bf. Maybe, I wanted the emotional connection. But the threat always hung over my head. My boyfriend grew wise to things and I would always tell a TT.

Today, he made the ultimatum. Either the FWB or him. I thought, it best for him to hear it all from me. No more TT. I told him everything. Laid it out. He is rightfully done with me now. I have no intention of going back with the FWB. I feel a sense of freedom finally. But there is an unsettling thought in my head. What if I had continued lying? If I had, this would have all been avoided. I could have pinned it all on the FWB and left the PA out of it. Why didn't I do that? I keep telling myself it's better this way that I didn't keep the lies going. But, it still hurts so much. Why does it hurt?

I hate what I have become. I hate that I was able and willing to do this to someone. I'm a mad hatter. Hell, why am I still even thinking about myself? My now ex is now gone. But, I just feel so much pain for what I did to him.

[This message edited by BallofPain at 4:44 PM, July 1st (Wednesday)]

cc24ru posted 7/1/2020 16:44 PM

I'm sorry you're hurting. The FWB sounds like a real piece of shit.

I wish I could give you more advice but all I can say is that you did the right thing by putting all the truth out there. Your conscience is free, try to hold on to that.

BallofPain posted 7/1/2020 18:05 PM

Thanks for the response. My conscience is free, yes. But I don't feel very free or very good. I thought I would feel relief but instead, I feel broken and trapped.

TheFallen posted 7/1/2020 20:09 PM

I think you did the right thing. Honestly, if you kept lying, things would have only gotten worse. Things would have come out one way or another. These things can't be hidden forever. And even if it didn't come out...that's not how you show someone you care about them.

I'm not trying to be on a high horse or anything like that. I'm an absolutely horrible liar myself. I have lied over and over to the point of destroying my wife, physically and emotionally.

It's very easy to get addicted to those feelings. You can give yourself a much better future. You have the ability to change. You have a full life ahead of you. Don't waste it.

BallofPain posted 7/1/2020 20:25 PM

I don't see you as on your high horse at all. I appreciate your words. I just, I don't want to make anymore excuses. But I keep making excuses.

JBWD posted 7/2/2020 11:24 AM

My now ex is now gone.

And you are here. Learn about what and why you did what you did. Become a person of integrity.
Just because you tanked this relationship, you don’t have to do it ever again. Learn about what allowed you to betray and undermine it.

IC, self care. Dunno how much of a pattern this has been in your life but there may be some 12 Step organizations that are relevant as well...

In closing I’ll tell you this- Any time you stop and think about how bad you feel, recognize that it’s ultimately selfish to do so. You can certainly feel your BP’s pain, though his recovery is his. You are here, and you could have just shrugged this off. Facing this is more than most will do- Keep it up.

BallofPain posted 7/2/2020 12:56 PM

JBWD, thank you for your words. I have arranged IC starting two days from now. We will hopefully be digging into some deep rooted issues that might've spurred it on. But, how do I not use it as an excuse? I don't know if this kind of behaviour is fair to be justified.

I do have history as a BS, which is what the IC pointed out it is more common than you think to become a WS.

I am facing it. I don't want to be the person who hurts people.

JBWD posted 7/2/2020 13:33 PM

But, how do I not use it as an excuse? I don't know if this kind of behaviour is fair to be justified.

Nope- It’s not fair to be justified. But you’re addressing it. So only if you allow yourself to be dominated by your past will it appear to be justification. Understanding yourself as a dynamic being means you will understand your personal changes- There were “bad changes” that you incorporated into a betrayer. There are “good changes” that come from understanding your fractured self and removing that duplicity.

Not using it as an excuse ultimately comes from understanding that YOU CONTROL YOU. If you worry about excuses you’re worrying about someone else- As a human being you’ll have to do that often. But in removing layers of grime and smoke to identify that which remains true to you throughout in spite of changes (either “good or bad”) you are identifying your own accountability. And while the pain of loss will accompany this, I think facing this “alone” will make this process less convoluted.

You’ve got to acknowledge you’ve done something terrible. We all have. But you can’t undo that. So the only good is using this pain to fuel change.

BallofPain posted 7/2/2020 19:40 PM

JBWD. Your words makes sense though, I don't think I'm at the stage yet where I embrace and actually understand it. I hope to eventually get to that stage.

Sadly, I'm also still at the stage of beating myself up and not moving forward.

forgettableDad posted 7/4/2020 12:31 PM

But there is an unsettling thought in my head. What if I had continued lying? If I had, this would have all been avoided. I could have pinned it all on the FWB and left the PA out of it. Why didn't I do that? I keep telling myself it's better this way that I didn't keep the lies going. But, it still hurts so much. Why does it hurt?
You can't build a solid house on shaky foundations nor a healthy relationship based on lies.

You told the truth [eventually] because it's easier than lying. Take that feeling of freedom. Then multiply it by a hundred thousand fold and that's the feeling of a relationship without a single lie in it.

I'd sugget finding an IC for some sessions to make sure you have a decent perspective on your whys and the tools to avoid it in a future relationship.

Good luck

[This message edited by forgettableDad at 3:08 PM, July 4th (Saturday)]

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