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Bor9455 posted 6/23/2020 14:59 PM

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:24 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

BSHusbandWI posted 6/23/2020 15:09 PM

this may not necessarily be her first rodeo, just the first time you found out about it.

I do believe you are right. Another story... That I don't have the energy, patience or desire to retell.

EllieKMAS posted 6/23/2020 15:13 PM

While I certainly appreciate the sentiment behind changing the locks, if her name is on the deed in most places that means you could land in legal trouble if you were to change them against her will.

BSH, this is why getting a lawyer is super important. Let them dictate all of this stuff so you make sure you stay on the right side of things from a legal perspective.

Buster123 posted 6/23/2020 15:27 PM

You are much stronger today, more clear headed than yesterday and just by implementing some of the advice (like refusing to go to MC or engaging with her) you're already starting to see how the dynamic is starting to change in your favor, she's beginning to lose control of the situation, now finis the job and implement the rest of the collective advice, exposure today and filing for D as quickly as possible and without warning.

You're starting to realize that you deserve so much better than a proven cheater and a liar, life's too short, you haven even had sex with her for years, infidelity aside the writing is on the wall unless something changes drastically and quickly (not likely).

Buster123 posted 6/23/2020 15:33 PM

I do believe you are right. Another story... That I don't have the energy, patience or desire to retell.

Oh boy, well other than emphasize the need of an STD, at this point with an unremorseful WW refusing to give up her actual boyfriend, past infidelities won't matter much, well maybe other nails in the coffin to help you move faster to end this farce of a M.

BSHusbandWI posted 6/23/2020 15:48 PM

I have reached out to two local lawyers to arrange for an initial consult.

I have also reached out to two local PIs to get info on what they can do with just a burner number.

Bor9455 posted 6/23/2020 15:53 PM

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:24 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

BSHusbandWI posted 6/23/2020 15:59 PM

Bor9455, no other ideas. I was told by WW that her young friend met him on Tinder.

Not sure if I believe that.

She just called me and acted like it's business as usual. That she was just leaving our friends house and asking if I wanted anything from the grocery.

I was cold - said no. and just sat there silence ringing loud. I waited for her to speak - she's like Okay.. well... then ... she finally said bye or see you soon. I just hung up.

Bor9455 posted 6/23/2020 16:05 PM

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:35 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

Buster123 posted 6/23/2020 16:22 PM

no other ideas. I was told by WW that her young friend met him on Tinder.

By now you should know that cheaters lie a lot and typically only admit to what you can prove, for all you know your WW could have been on Tinder herself for years, AP could be a co-worker and she's trying to protect him, he could be a neighbor, her doctor, who knows, just don't take anything a proven liar tells you at face value, she's been lying to you for a very long time and they just typically don't have an epiphany and start telling the truth, especially when you know she's still in an active A, let the PIs do their work and focus on the other steps you can take in the meantime, did I mention FULL EXPOSURE ? if yoju read here long enough you will find countless of threads with BS's stating how they wish they had exposed immediately, how the overwhelming majority of BSs regret not having done it much sooner.

SlapNutsABingo posted 6/23/2020 17:18 PM

Hey man, fellow WISCO here. Iím so so sorry for what you are going through but you have been handling it like a champ.

Not much I can say that hasnít already been told to you and itís all great advice. Just wanted to mention a book that many BS have claimed to help them a ton with coming to the realization of what their WS had become. Itís helped them get past the issues of loving what was, compared to what is. Itís titled Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life. A dear friend of mine found it helped out a ton.

Donít agonize over telling your children. Kids are tough and resilient. Sit them down and simply tell them what has happened. You donít need a lot of details, the simple truth and they can ask her any questions after that.

Wishing you everything.....

hardtomove posted 6/23/2020 17:26 PM

Your marriage is over she has already picked the other guy. So now you need to show your boys u are not a spineless husband. You have to be willing to loose your marriage to save it. She does not want to R. When she cut out sex you should have gotten the message then.

Bigger posted 6/23/2020 17:29 PM


You were lucky. In probably all states the name on the lease, or the deed does not give that person the right to throw out those that have legal residence in the home. As a former police officer I have personally escorted husbands out of their houses after they denied their wife entry. Itís considered domestic abuse and one of the quickest ways for a wife to get both prime residence and a restraining order on the husband. Irrespective of infidelity or why the wife was kicked out.

No intimacy, no interest in changing that, arguments, distance, talk of divorce and no interest on your behalf to reconcile.
Is there anything to do other than start the divorce process?

If you do that then the identity of the OM and all that becomes less relevant. What becomes relevant is what is going to get YOU the best result from the divorce.

TheGuy123 posted 6/23/2020 18:47 PM

Regarding her behavior...she is used to the norm... the same old BSHusbandWI. She doesn't know about the SI support group and figures she can behave just like she behaved when you were clues less.

Lets face it that cake eating old lady of yours does not want anything to change.

She wants to sweep this under the rug. Why... b/c life was so much better when you where clueless and now her game plan is to cool you down get you back to the guy she could play.

Don't fall for it. She is still in the fog and you will know when reality hits when she gets used by a couple more guys and years from now she understands there was a guy who actually loved her.

She is not there. For now she is not a safe partner. Years from now when the grass was not greener you my friend will have a safer partner.

Right now she is having fun and yes you are getting in the way a little but, she thinks she has your number and she has yet to see the new you.

She has no clue it's about to get nuclear.

She wants a divorce. This is an exit affair. She just doesn't under stand what she is in for. She might have to go through a few guys before she realizes what she had. After being used by a few guys she might get it, but by then you will be with someone else.

So to recap:
business as usual cuz you ain't going any were. Or. She wants to keep you happy so you don't expose the A.
If you do leave good you are finally out of the picture. But at the end of the day if she can keep you around and still play around then she has the best of both worlds.

Good ol' BSHusbandWI If I played him once I can play him again. Once I get my husband under control I can get back with my lover.

Her idea of the big picture is not reality. So don't fall for it. She has her own agenda and the only part you play is her husband not her lover.

These kind of waywards are the most dangerous. Why. Because this is a set up for a false R. Trying to regain trust knowing the betrayed can be played again.

I can tell you won't be business as usual when you expose this affair! Something tells me she thinks you don't have the balls to do it, or at the very least she prays you don't.
Hence the reason for the "considerate" behavior she is showing you.

I hope you see your old lady is giving just enough (in her mind) to pacify you? You could play along.

Then blindside her with a nuclear exposure and subpoena for divorce.
It'll be really weird when her reality and your reality collide in the court documents she gets from a server. BTW....server her at work!
That way her young, sub, coworker can be there to cheer her on when her life starts to falls apart at 50+ yrs old!

Make a plan and work the plan while you walk softly but carry a big stick!

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 8:07 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday)]

TheGuy123 posted 6/23/2020 18:57 PM

Where are you at with telling your boys?
Please show them that this kind of behavior from any one in a committed relationship is unacceptable. Show your boys that unhealthy behaviors have consequences. Please tell them exactly were their mother has been and it is wrong and will not be tolerated.

Would you want your boy's treated this way by their Gf/future spouse? move on the PI. You are going to war and your old lady is the enemy...get to know her allies.

In addition get your own allies and I pray you find a decent lawyer.

Don't forget...."chicks dig confident guys" more crying!

Cry alone in the garage like the rest of us.

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 8:21 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday)]

Buffer posted 6/23/2020 20:18 PM

Brother you have a plethora of information to hand to the PI
Burner phone number
Hotel date and room number
Another hotel date and room number
Be the grey rock. Only answer direct questions pertaining to logistics and children
Separate all finances
Expose the A to family and close friends. Break the news to the children again the cause but not the bondage nitty gritty stuff. Total 180 Legal advice with as many lawyers as you deem necessary. That being said WW canít use any lawyer that has provided advice to you regardless if you donít use them as it would be a conflict of interest. So talk to the best and the sharks. She canít go there.
I donít agree with lock changing ,but cease all things pertaining to WW. She wants to set up a room she can do it her self. Wants a new fitness room, she can move stuff around, set up and paint. She can take her shit to the tip herself. Put a lock on your bedroom door and any room you use as a office. Those are your man caves. She can access to the rest of the house. As she was a absentee wife and mother she can cook, laundry for herself. As some infections can be passed in food preparation. Letís not get the children sick.
Just breath and take advice that you feel is applicable to your situation.
One day at a time

HellFire posted 6/23/2020 20:29 PM

A PI can follow her for a day,or so, and after she meets OM,follow him home. Very easy to determine who he is from that point on.

It's very important that you don't message his wife. Or leave a voicemail. He knows you know,so he will be watching for you to tell his wife. He will intercept any message sent.

Send her a copy of the evidence to her work address.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:29 PM, June 23rd (Tuesday)]

BSHusbandWI posted 6/23/2020 20:59 PM


It's very important that you don't message his wife. Or leave a voicemail. He knows you know,so he will be watching for you to tell his wife. He will intercept any message sent.

Send her a copy of the evidence to her work address.

I don't even know if his wife works or what the status is of their relationship. I was told from my WW that they have a very young daughter. So maybe she is a stay at home mom.

For all I know she could also be cheating on him and just not give a fuck. Or they could be on some kind of trial separation. Who knows??

That doesn't change anything... My plan is to get their address and either go there after getting an idea of their schedules - let her know and hand over the text transcript - telling her I'm sorry she has to go through this.

BSHusbandWI posted 6/23/2020 21:02 PM

I'm also fairly sure that my WW has put things on the back burner with him. She has been here at the house. Mostly. Yes, she has been out running errands and hanging a bit with friends. But not with the young friend that provided the activities and environment for meeting this guy.

So a PI might need to follow for awhile. The cash adds up. If I had access to the phone records then I could clandestinely know when they are texting and let a PI know. But I don't have that access.

Dyokemm posted 6/23/2020 21:13 PM

I know you are consulting a PI.....

But you have another avenue here to check up on yourself.

You have the dates, hotel name and room number for their scummy trysts.....

Contact the hotel and see if you can get the name on the room registry.....

And check to see if you have bank charges or cash withdrawals from your accounts for those times.....because if you donít, then the rooms were definitely paid for by him.

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