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redwing6 posted 8/1/2020 17:42 PM

BSH, How are you holding up? It's been 10 days since you last posted.

BSHusbandWI posted 8/2/2020 22:13 PM

Hello,

So, the cliff notes of the last roughly two weeks...

More than a few arguments. A realization that I do not see the possibility of reconciliation. I put all my booze away in a storage unit- now only have a drink or two with dinner if that dinner calls for it. I supported her financially all these years, so now I feel it is her turn as i continue to search for a position to support me. (hint two good leads - we will see where they end up).

During a few of the arguments... loud (from both of us) and in front of the kids not good things were said. Just as a recap the kids are almost 17 and 19 (within 6 months anyway).

I'm posting because I am not sure how to approach WW saying that the kids have no business knowing what happened and of course her choices. At this point, I disagree. They are nearly adults and the only person that benefits from keeping the secrets of the affair are WW.

The last argument (that was in the presence of the kids) I was VERY angry and so was she and I said something along the lines of "maybe if you hadn;t fucked this guy and swallowed his cum..." So, yes - those are facts, and I can't either stop envisioning that or take back that I said that with the kids right there, but she is saying that me doing that is hurting the kids. That may be true, but sometimes the truth hurts. Why should I be keeping the truth (and really the raw truth) from the kids? I should be concerned about keeping her shameful secrets? For who? Certainly not me. It doesn't help me any to push all of her wrong doings under the rug like they never happened. She also had the gall during that exchange to say that yes the sex was REAL GOOD (yes, in front of the kids)!

I keep feeling like she wants to just have done what she did (and because she can't change it), there are no repercussions, or consequences for her choices. That FUKKING INFURIATES ME!! That's not right.

So, please help me... How do I discuss the fact that she believes her wrongdoings are to be kept between her and I and that the kids and others should not know anything that went on? It feels so wrong.

I do implore you all to refrain from comments about the 180 and just divorce wondering what I am waiting for... (I'm waiting for a job so I can support myself and my kids.)

Thanks.

Stinger posted 8/2/2020 22:43 PM

Just tell whoever you want. F her. Get support. Let others know, just keep it clean. No cum comments etc or you look nuts.

Believe me, she will blame you and the more nuts you look to outsiders, the more credible she appears.

Read up on fundamental attribution error. You do not need others thinking her cheating is justified.
As a trial attorney, I was well aware that others were observing my behavior and forming opinions. And, they would not be considering the fact that my wife had abused and traumatized me. They would just see me acting nuts,angry etc and would think I was always that way, thus just5her cheating.

So, restraint came naturally to me, largely due to my training. You need to get on track and realize this is a PR campaign and your reputation is on the line. I wish you luck.

ChamomileTea posted 8/2/2020 22:58 PM

My kids were young adults at the time of DDay, and I told them the truth. There was no way I was going to be able to carry on like normal without them noticing something was really wrong. And I do think there were times when I overshared, even though I was making a concerted effort to let them know I didn't want them picking sides. Nothing quite so raw as what you posted though. That's A LOT of detail for a kid to know about a parent.

Anyway, it was about four years into R, well past dealing with the adultery and having to do with totally other issues, that my daughter brought it to my attention her father and I were bitching in her ear quite frequently, each about the other. I hadn't even realized, but she was clearly being put in the middle.

So yeah, IME, it makes the kids uncomfortable to feel like they're being drawn in or when there's active fighting. I think the tried and true advice of giving them age-appropriate facts without detail and editorializing is probably the best. No one likes to think of their dad getting a blowjob or their mom giving one. It's TMI. But by the same token, young people don't want to be lied to or left out of loop. My kids and I have always had an open, honest relationship. I wasn't going to change that by withholding the truth from them, but I did feel a responsibility to keep reminding them that it was between their father and I so they didn't feel like they had to pick a camp. They can't truly understand the pain of intimate betrayal anyway. No one can who hasn't been through it. They still love both their parents though.

I think your best bet would be to stop engaging your WW whenever possible. Right now, you're in a weird limbo where you can't get away from her, so brushing up your 180 would be your best bet. The urge to lash out is so strong, I'll grant you. But there's also satisfaction to be had from stubbornly REFUSING to share your emotions. That might sound petty in the grand scheme of things, I dunno. But I figure that sharing information about MY feelings is something reserved for people I trust. ie. I cried every day the first year after DDay, but you'd be able to count on one hand the number of times my WH caught me at it. Maybe I'm weird like that, but showing emotions makes me feel kind of vulnerable, and I'm not doing that with someone who is antagonizing me and who I don't have any faith in. Consider giving it a try. Most of us, I think, have vast reserves of stubbornness if we're pushed to it.

Strength and healing to you... and hope that you'll find work really soon!

Newlifeisgreat posted 8/3/2020 00:08 AM

What she says or wants is none of your concern! You are correct, keeping this secret only benefits her!

My advice is that you go up to each of them and have a one on one conversation with them. Start it off by apologizing to him/her for blowing up in front of them, it tell them that they deserve to know the truth. Without going into graphic detai, which you have already done, tell them what you know about her cheating. Tell them who it was with and how long it went on for.

They are definitely old enough to k ow why their parents are probably heading toward divorce.

I would also tell other family members and friends about her affair, or necessarily for revenge, but because you are going to need their support. You are going to need to lean on them. Telling family and friends also has the added benefit of taking away her ability to rewrite the history of the marriage and making you out to be the master Gillian.

Hang in there and I wish you nothing but the best of luck with the job hunt! No one deserves to be treated like this. So I hope that you go from getting the job, directly to the law office and tell the lawyer to file immediately

Good luck and stay strong

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 7:54 AM, August 3rd (Monday)]

Newlifeisgreat posted 8/3/2020 00:14 AM

Her claim that YOU are the one hurting the kids is like someone stabbing someone in the back, then claiming that the doctor is hurting that person trying to remove the knife!

She owns all of this!!! Completely!!! 100%!!!!

She was the one that cheated
And anything that comes after as a result of her cheating is also completely on her!!!

If she and her lover made video of the f_cking, and your son pressed play, would it be the fault of the invented of video recording that your son saw it??? Nope!!! This is all on her!!!

Buster123 posted 8/3/2020 06:14 AM

She also had the gall during that exchange to say that yes the sex was REAL GOOD (yes, in front of the kids)!

This is one of those comments that at least to me (and I'm sure to others as well) would be impossible to get past, anyway TELL EVERYONE about her huge betrayal, start with family and close friends, you don't need to give them the gory details but she doesn't get to make you an accomplice to keep her A a secret, I hope you find that job soon so that you can end this farce of a M.

Buster123 posted 8/3/2020 06:20 AM

So, please help me... How do I discuss the fact that she believes her wrongdoings are to be kept between her and I and that the kids and others should not know anything that went on? It feels so wrong.

You should not need to discuss anything or run it by her, you simply tell whoever you want (and you should), if you feel you must, tell her the kids were betrayed too, that she put their stability at risk and destroyed their home with her huge betrayal, it's their life too and they have a right to know why their life will never be the same and the true reason why you are constantly fighting and arguing.

Tigersrule77 posted 8/3/2020 06:25 AM

There is no reason to hide the truth from your children. Clearly, they know she had an A. However, you losing control of your emotions IS hurting them (IMO). As much as you are dealing with the trauma of the A and the end of your M, they are dealing with the D also. They need to see you as their support, the strong one who they can rely on and they know will always support them. When they see those types of arguments, it will be tough.

I don't know what started the conversation that led to the argument. This is why the 180 is so helpful.

How do I discuss the fact that she believes her wrongdoings are to be kept between her and I and that the kids and others should not know anything that went on?

I would suggest that YOU have a conversation with your kids, and anyone else you think should know about the A. Don't bother trying to include your WW, as she clearly has her own agenda and will blameshift during the conversation. Tell them about the A (minus the details as no one wants to think about their parents doing those things) and let them ask you any questions. Let them your kids see you being strong, even through the emotional struggle. You can let them know that the D and the A were hard on you, but you are OK, you can and will get through it. Don't bad mouth their mother, just tell them the facts. You can also let them know that her actions since discovery of the A made it impossible to R. They have probably seen a lot of it. The same for any friends or family that you want to tell. I wouldn't suggest you tell everyone. Don't hide it though. As you said, it's not your job to lie.

Buffer posted 8/3/2020 07:20 AM

Ok, what a storm. Your children knew what was going on before the heated argument. Infidelity!
Both of you two need to get control of your anger.
They do not! Need to know the nitty gritty of the A. What or how will that help the situation?
All this does is that they will loose respect for both parents.
In a heated argument we loose the control of our reasoning side of our brain, the reptilian part. Saying extremely hurtful things in front of those who donít need to know.
Yes they know that both of you are extremely hurt by the actions of your WW. But they are your children.
One day at a time but not all information in front of the children.
Buffer

Kaliber posted 8/3/2020 07:34 AM

All this does is that they will loose respect for both parents.

BSHusbandWI, read this again and again!

You lost your marriage, now you're setting things up to lose you children, and for what?!

BSHusbandWI, what are you doing now for your self other than looking for a job?

Carissima posted 8/3/2020 07:52 AM

Your children are old enough to know about the affair but both you and your WW need to get a hold of your anger.
The behaviour you described is not acceptable if your children are there. If you feel things are escalating to that level again when one or both of them are present then remove yourself from the situation.
As for now, I would apologise to your children, just say there were things said they were never meant to hear and then explain the truth about the infidelity. There's no need to go into explicit detail but the truth is essential so your WW can't lie to them in the future.
Make sure they have at least one parent they can rely on.

steadychevy posted 8/3/2020 08:20 AM

The argument in front of your 2 children can't be retracted. What you can do is to go to them individually and apologize to them. Explain that their mother has hurt you more than can be imagined and you lost control. You forgot they were present in the heat of the moment.

They need to know why their world is blowing up around them but don't need to know the details. However, I wouldn't lie to them either. If they ask (I don't know how many children or young adults have asked) any questions I would answer them as truthfully as possible. If they ask they want to know. One thing I think they need to know, because they are older, is the name of their mothers AP incase he shows up in their lives.

ShutterHappy posted 8/3/2020 08:48 AM

The only thing you can do is to avoid these situations. Try to have as little contact as possible, have dinner without her.

k8la posted 8/3/2020 09:35 AM

She's trying to normalize relationship crimes, which is not healthy for your nearly adult children.

They need to know it's okay to say "OUCH" when someone hurts them. They need to know it's not okay for a betrayer to expect no consequences.

Blindsided2425 posted 8/3/2020 11:55 AM

IMO the kids probably knew, they are more intuitive then we give them credit for.
This is all new to me, I can not believe the stories of the marriage being rewritten, and the lengths they go to make you look mentally unstable.

The1stWife posted 8/3/2020 12:34 PM

I would suggest some professional family counseling to help your children with this. Some may say it should be all family members or some may say just you & kids.

Whatever it is it will give them a chance to talk to a neutral party and get good advice. It will help you during the D process to nit inflict any additional pain on to your children b/c you will have support.

A good therapist or counselor can provide the family with a transition plan. While your kids are not babies they still need their parents. And they need to know both parents have the kidsí best interests.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:34 PM, August 3rd (Monday)]

Bor9455 posted 8/3/2020 12:59 PM

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:26 PM, August 3rd (Monday)]

EllieKMAS posted 8/3/2020 13:52 PM

Ahhhh BSH, I am so sorry you're in this horrible spot.

I know you said don't mention the 180 buuuuuut. That is a very useful tool to help YOU get the emotional distance you need here. Not to mention it puts the reins of your power back in your hands. If you have decided not to shoot for reconciliation, your best bet is to disengage as much as you possibly can right now. There is nothing gained from getting into arguments/fights, especially in front of your kids. I don't care what age they are - that is not fair to them to witness that stuff. You know that already.

As far as telling them - you are more then allowed to tell whomever you choose about this. You have NO responsibility to protect your ww's reputation here. But I'll echo others and say that if you're telling people, keep it dry and fact-based - "I am divorcing my wife because she committed adultery and I will not stay with an unremorseful cheater". I went through a period where I told everyone - my hairdresser, the clerk at the grocery store, the lady at the next gas pump - but that passed. Fact is, YOU know why you're divorcing. Your ww is gonna lie her ass off cus she's a coward. But what anyone else thinks of the situation is none of your business. Sucks bad, but believe me it will get better the more you practice detaching.

Hang in there BSH.

oldtruck posted 8/3/2020 21:09 PM

children need the truth

the truth is mom had an affair, cheated, unfaithful.

the OM name is __________.

they do not need the details.
they do not need and should not see mom and dad having
knock down verbal fights saying the things that you and
your WW had said.

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