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Hostile

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HouseOfPlane posted 7/15/2020 08:43 AM

BSH, I think you're doing alright. Good job of balancing the heart and the head, your boys, your own health, and you even have some empathy for your WW. There's no easy way through this mess, that is for sure.

One thing I've learned over the years is the way to get an answer is not to ask a question, it is to pose a patently wrong answer. People who wouldn't bother to lift a hand to help, will crawl over broken glass to tell you you're wrong. Try it sometime.

Do you know who your wife's friends are? Tell her that you suspect the affair was with one of their husbands (makes sense, not at all unlikely) and that you are going to work your way through the list, talking to each and suggesting that possibly their husband is cheating on them with your wife, and you are ready to match up notes. i guarantee you'll get some kind of response.

Just a thought.

One other thing, its pretty much been scientifically proven that although we think we can think about more than one thing at a time, we really can't. When we focus on one specific thing, that is all we think about. We can shift attention rapidly, but it's one thing at a time.

So find that one big thing that draws you in. Fast driving, first person shooter games, rock climbing, super hard crossword puzzles, ditch digging, or whatever, and give yourself permission to just do that for a little bit. The blood pressure will drop and the tension will flow out. As Bigger notes, the world's problems will gladly wait while you give yourself a break.

Sending strength!

HellFire posted 7/15/2020 08:49 AM

To add to my above comment..

She claims not to know his name. She shows CONCERN when you mention telling the OBS. She is concerned for OM, not his wife,don't let her fool you with the nonsense of never wanting to hurt his wife. And,magically, there is a message from his wife telling her to stay away. Therefore,you would think there is no need to contact his wife now. And,of course, she deleted it.

What are the odds?

The only reason to think the affair is over,is her word. And she's a liar.

Tell her to give you her phone. And then run a data recovery program on it. It will retrieve deleted messages,pic,etc. Not all,but a lot. Unless she does a factory reset,so don't tell her you are considering it ahead of time, or there will be some reason she had to reset it.

Maybe she didn't spoof the message at all. Maybe it was OM and her colluding together to fool you.

Dismayed2012 posted 7/15/2020 09:47 AM

"...she's not sure if she has it in her for years of work to repair something that was in such disarray for 4 years or more."

This is your answer as to whether to R or D. She's already worn out and the battle to save the marriage hasn't even begun. Rest assured that her statement above is what she really feels. She had the option over the last four years to make the effort to have a great marriage. Instead she took the easy route, did nothing for the marriage, blamed you, and then chose to cheat on you (and her children) with another man.

And her story about the OBS contacting her sounds like BS. She doesn't want you contacting the OM's wife. She's still protecting him because she still thinks he's a good guy.

survrus posted 7/15/2020 10:10 AM

BSH,

If the OMW knew about the affair as part of an open marriage or swinger lifestyle then she is equally accountable and should be dealt with as you deal with the OM, exposure, confrontation and etc.

[This message edited by survrus at 10:11 AM, July 15th (Wednesday)]

Westway posted 7/15/2020 12:25 PM

Brother don't let people here make you feel bad. Hell man, I only know the names of 11 of the 12 men I know my STBXWW fucked, but since they are just the tip of the iceberg, I will never know how many men my whore of a WW screwed over the course of our marriage. I understand your anger and I understand how hard it is to part with someone who has been by your side for two decades.

But what you must accept, just like I had to, is that the women we thought we married were not really who they made themselves out to be. Your WW did not just suddenly become duplicitous out of nowhere. She has actually been that way since you married her. She just did a good job of hiding that dark part of herself.

Kaliber posted 7/15/2020 12:28 PM

During our conversation last night she said she got a text from OMs wife. It basically said stay the fuck away from my family don't ever contact him again or there's going to be trouble. I was shocked to say the least and she immediately thought that I had been responsible for telling her. I said how the fuck was I supposed to do that when I don't even know his fucking full name let alone hers or where they live or any real information that would allow me to find her or her phone number to call her. She said that OMW, probably had access to his phone and that that was in the text as well. Which she deleted because she said she was freaked out. Did I mention she gave me access to the phone records too? Well she did, and later I checked and there was a number from our area that texted. In fact two numbers about 6 hours apart. I called the first one and it said the number has been disconnected. I made her call the second number later and that one was also disconnected. She deleted the texts before I could see them. I told her that she needs to show me those things in the future like if OM were ever to reach out to her again instead of just deleting them. Because it seems sneaky and not open. So this is REALLY FUCKED UP. What went through my mind was... it is possible her friend or WW came up with this scheme... To have me not worry about everything by using an app or burner number to text her something. Have her delete it so that then she can say it was from the wife and that I wouldn't worry anymore. And maybe not even need his name anymore because now it's really done.

This.. right here is the dirty scheme from your WW, remember when you said that you asked your wife to setup a meeting to catch this guy?!
Well now she can say I can't the OMW knows about it and he is exposed already, and he will never agree to meet again!

Buddy... you have been played big time..
You are in your early 50's you have a very good shot at life, don't waste that!
Work on your self, my brother is the same age as you he was married for 23 years and kicked his WW to the curb, he worked on him self for couple of month, and he is fully ripped at the gym, healthy, and he start his life with a new partner and he is very happy and enjoying his life to the fullest..

You will get all sort of blood pressure and heart issues if you continue like this and doing this:

That's honestly, if I step outside of all of this, what I'd be telling myself. This is going to sound ludicrous, but we've been together over 22 years - almost half my life!!!!! And despite how shitty this is and how shitty she is and how her shitty choices have impacted me and the boys, at this moment right now i'm really not sure what to do. I don't say this to get your opinions. I know those will come. And like I said before, i'll listen and consider and do what's right for me at this moment.

You don't have a choice when your WW says:

WW has suggested that if we want to go to mediation we can and if we want to battle it out in court we can and she's not sure if she has it in her for years of work to repair something that was in such disarray for 4 years or more. I honestly feel the same. I can't blame her for saying that and I don't I think that means that she's not willing to R.

She didn't say she wants to R any way because she knows what she wants, YOU DON'T, and the dead bedroom that you didn't do any thing about might have helped here, your WW is craving for a man, but she is not attracted to you hence she suggested to go to mediation!

Dead bedroom = not attracted to you any more.

And now she is calling all the shots, put your foot down and end this charade.

Can I ask you something, what is you goal in life? You seem to be stuck and wasting time, time at your age is very valuable asset that you can't get back, don't wast it, your not in your 20s or 30s any more.

Only YOU can fix this by being decisive!

The only thing that "might" work if you want your WW to snap out of her shitty mindset is to work on your self, but that will take time, so start yesterday, train hard, go on a diet if you are over weight (check youtube for healthy fast diet for your age and stick to it), eat healthy be happy, try to become more attractive, new hair cut (the dead bedroom should have given you a sign from the start you got too comfortable like most of us BS, setting on the sofa and drinking beer), ditch any thing about her affair for now, go out with friends dress good, have fun come back late smiling and being happy, don't tell her any thing if she asks, do the 180 hard, if you have your ring on take it off (fake it until you make it!) stop acting like you're 80 years old, your not, you are still middle aged man, so be one!

Buddy you need to work on your self and show her you don't need her to be happy and you need nothing from her and she's the one at loss!
Maybe then she will snap out of her mindset and work on the marriage, if not, you are already started to work on your self and ready to move on.

Your really don't have much choice, only to work on your self and move forward.

Best of luck..

[This message edited by Kaliber at 12:49 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)]

EllieKMAS posted 7/15/2020 13:39 PM

BSH - I think it is just important to really read in to other's responses here with this front-of-mind. No one here has history with your ww. There's a certain level of objectivity that can be had by others because of that.

Mho here is that you're hearing hoofbeats and scanning furiously for zebras. Chances are it's horses you're hearing.

Her story isn't making a whole lot of sense. To me, I see it like I would a child getting caught in a lie - 1. Tell HUGE lie - damn, parents didn't buy it - 2. Tell slightly less huge lie and add some nonsense details - damn, parents still looking skeptical - 3. Tell SOME truth with nonsense details - OK they're starting to buy it.

The whole thing about posom's wife texting and threatening?? Personally I ain't buying that shit. And even IF true, your ww needs to get it through her head immediately that ANY lie, omission, fabrication, etc is 150% unacceptable from this point out. Cus speaking from my own experience here, any time you catch her in one of them it will set you back. So no more lies, erasing texts, not disclosing contact of any kind. EVER again.

Whether you choose to go for a poly (which I think you should) or not, at this point you have ZERO reason to believe anything she says, and she has no one to blame for that but her damn self.

DeWittle posted 7/15/2020 22:29 PM


Post remove, not helpful to OP.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 10:23 AM, July 16th (Thursday)]

Happenedtome2 posted 7/16/2020 16:56 PM

BSH, sorry to see all of this. I spent the last 2 days reading this thread.

You are doing better than I would expect considering the shit sandwich you were handed.

My WW had an EA. You pointed out that you told WW that she knows nothing about this guy (if she is being at all truthful) that she's been banging and he or his W may just show up one day.
You got the same dismay in response as my W gave me when I told her what I found on the net with just POSOM'S email address. I didn't even need his phone number or last name. She never slept with him or even met up (he was In CA) but I found out everyhthing about him and his fetishes and borderline pedophilia. She was horrified. Even more so when I asked about her using whatsapp because it gives your location. Now this skell knows where we (and our kids) live. I hammered her with that.

Keep that in your mind. This clown knows where you and your kids live. He may or may not show up or try to contact you but until the dust settles here please be wary of it.

As far as advice from here, use your judgment, but also understand that sometimes we need a 2x4 to the head to get to thinking straight. If I remember correctly, Buster and Marz hammered me a couple of times but it was needed to jump start some clear thinking.

Nobody here wanted to get divorced. Keep posting.

[This message edited by Happenedtome2 at 3:14 AM, July 17th (Friday)]

Bor9455 posted 7/20/2020 11:29 AM

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:50 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

Bor9455 posted 7/20/2020 11:29 AM

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:51 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

BSHusbandWI posted 7/22/2020 09:26 AM

Hi.

I'm here.

Not feeling like posting too much.

All things considered, I'm okay.

That's all for now.

Kaliber posted 7/22/2020 10:00 AM

Hi.
I'm here.

Not feeling like posting too much.

All things considered, I'm okay.

That's all for now.

Stay strong buddy.. you will get though this, everyone did!

[This message edited by Kaliber at 10:00 AM, July 22nd (Wednesday)]

Bor9455 posted 7/22/2020 16:15 PM

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:52 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

KingofNothing posted 7/22/2020 16:28 PM

Not feeling like posting too much.

All things considered, I'm okay.

That's all for now.

That's hardly a surprise! You've been through the wringer. Please check in when you feel like doing it again. We're all behind you on this.

VinST posted 7/22/2020 19:31 PM

"She claims not to know his name. She shows CONCERN when you mention telling the OBS. She is concerned for OM, not his wife,don't let her fool you with the nonsense of never wanting to hurt his wife. And,magically, there is a message from his wife telling her to stay away. Therefore,you would think there is no need to contact his wife now. And,of course, she deleted it.

What are the odds?

The only reason to think the affair is over,is her word. And she's a liar.

Tell her to give you her phone. And then run a data recovery program on it. It will retrieve deleted messages,pic,etc. Not all,but a lot. Unless she does a factory reset,so don't tell her you are considering it ahead of time, or there will be some reason she had to reset it."


This here above ^^^^^

I really don't think you are thinking straight which is understandable in your situation. Its amazing how the mind of a cheater works. The friend of mine had his ex wife get someone to pretend to be POS to prove to him she was NC. They got back together and after a year she was back with this POS... her reason she claimed was because she never had closure. They just ended it but had sporadic contact over the months. The odd "I miss you's"and hearts sent either way.

Don't be fooled, she still wants to protect him. It obvious to rest of us. she only kinda wants to get back with you because her world is blown up and your the only stability she has.

Ask yourself... if yo had a good paying job and the circumstances to move, would you still be there with her?

Newlifeisgreat posted 7/25/2020 21:13 PM

Iím sure that you are still hurting, and for that I am sorry.

I just wanted to drop you a quick note wishing you are well.

Hang in there. I promise it does get better as soon as you decide youíve had enough.

Good luck and stay strong!

NaturalX posted 7/25/2020 22:53 PM

Just divorce your wife obviously doesn't fancy. Her deprivation of sex is proof of that.

shareonhearts posted 7/26/2020 14:47 PM

Howdy Hostile
Let me assure you she knows his last name. A LONG time ago I met a man after my divorce and we had a date but the second date he ended up spending the night...I did not know his last name. He got up to go to the restroom and I checked his pants for a wallet and looked myself. I sent his full name to my friend...just in case of foul play We ended up dating for a couple of years. Your wife was seeing him for a while.....he may have not told her but I'm thinking she isn't that stupid? She found out somehow.
I'm sorry for your pain.....

masti posted 7/31/2020 18:31 PM

Are you alright BSH? Hope you are managing your health in this tough time.

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