I'm sure that I am going to ramble, not put things in order and that at least this initial post is going to be a mess.
For a long time, I dunno maybe 6-9 months my wife (early 50's and me too) started hanging with a new younger female friend at work quite a bit. They would go out and stay out even on week nights (they both are in the medical field and have strange 2nd and 3rd shift schedules). Sometimes we (me and my 2 high school age boys) knew that she was going to be out, but not often when she might be back and there were many times when the boys would ask me where Mom was and I had to say I did not know. She would just up and leave.
As this drastic change in behavior started, I talked to her about it and she got a bit defensive that... Her friend is fun, they have a great time together and she has a right to go hang out with friends. I told her yes, she does and I reminded her that I encouraged her to spend time with friends over our 20+ year marriage. I think it's important for both of us to be balanced, to be better spouses and better parents. BUT she had to admit that her behavior is a complete 180. Totally different and so I brought it up. That one conversation became nearly a chant over the months that I'm always questioning her and making her feel bad for going out. I would ask when she'd be home and what they did (usually the next day). And she usually got aggressive and said that I'm being overbearing - trying to make me feel like I shouldn't be asking. Trips to the grocery or clothes store or other errands felt like they took way longer than they should have. It didn't feel right, but I thought maybe I'm being paranoid.
Deep down, I knew something was up for quite awhile, but I guess I was afraid to face that reality.
Backdrop - our sex life has been non existent for a long time (years). Quite a long time ago, she essentially turned into a prude and that any sexual comment or advance was met with disdain and disgust.
So, I continued to get more and more paranoid. On May 20, my son needed some cash to go with his friends to eat at a fast food place. I didn't have any so I looked in my wife's purse. I found a Hilton hotel card - room 312. My heart raced. My mind was frantically trying to go through all the scenarios that would make this hotel room key not what I knew it was. She works local. No need to travel for work like I did. To find a hotel key in any of my bags or office would be expected. Not for her. I thought, well maybe her and her girlfriends got a hotel to be safe after a night of drinking so no one drove or maybe they got a room for a girls night out and who knows even hired a male stripper. I would have heard something about that in some way shape or form. So, no. She's cheating on me. I did not know what to do. Multiple times each day, I would re-check her wallet and find that same key there. Why the fuck would she keep that? I wondered if maybe it was paid for for a few days so she would have a place to meet him (her?). Then a few days later the card is not in her wallet. I keep checking and two days after that - May 24 - I see the key.... Wait, no... It is a NEW key! Room 316. I now felt like I needed to take action. I took a picture of the key in her wallet.
A key doesn't technically PROVE anything. Kinda a smoking gun. So, I had to know. I had to have more proof. I did call two of my best friends and told them about it. I just had to talk to someone! During all of this time and for quite some time she was rather hostile toward me for no good reasons and always making something simple I said out to be some bad/evil intention on my part, even when that was the furthest thing from my mind. She was just mostly always very angry at me.
In looking for more proof, I made up a story (details are unimportant) to get access to the cell account (that was in her name and all of our phones were on). I downloaded phone and text logs (just the kind that said a text was sent at this time from one number to another - the same with phone calls). I started researching the numbers to try to identify them. I knew mine, the kids, my mom's her sisters. And there were a few numbers I didn't recognize. I paid for Spokeo to look up a number, but it came up blank in terms of person information - a burner maybe? Was this the number?. There were a lot of texts back and forth for that number including pictures. It could be her new girlfriend.
I would search through her stuff when she went to work to see if I could find other incriminating evidence. I found a grocery bag tied up and stuffed in her drawer. In it, black thigh high lacy stockings, a garter belt, thong underwear, flavored lube, a tube of astroglide, bondage rope and restraints. I have never seen any of these items before. I put them back.
So many emotions at this point. I mentioned that she was very prudish and dismissive sexually to me and now I find this?!?! I was fucking crazy out of my mind. One of MY fantasies is (was) to tie her up, make her cum again and again. And now this is here? Not intended for me at all. The rope was new and so were the restraints. I was also enraged because she spent MY fucking money on that. WTF?!?!?
So, i'm keeping this secret that I know and it's killing me. I still don't REALLY have proof, but I knew. I logged on the to cell account and found out that I could actually see the texts - not just the log of numbers, but the actual texts themselves. I started searching through them and saw the filthy, flirty, texts between my wife and this "handsome" guy according to one text she sent him. I downloaded 3 months of texts back to February. (the fartherest the cell company keeps them - even if you delete them from your phone).
I couldn't believe what I was reading. So hurtful. So damaging to me, my ego. Things like, "I want to taste you again" (from my wife to him). I can't type the other more graphic ones. They both sent pictures, and then you'd see a response on how they each want more of "that"
or want to slurp that up. There was proof of them texting to meet up "I'm here... where are you?) Each entry was time and date stamped. You could see that the texts stopped once they found one another at a meeting place and then there was sexting on how hot it was hours later. PROOF. Incredibly painful truth. My heart is racing now as I type this.
I keep talking to my friend and he's like when are you going to confront her? I didn't know. I couldn't do it in front of the kids. He said this is tearing you apart. How long can you go on like this?
I decide to confront her. I was just standing there staring at her. She says "What?" kinda snotty. I take a deep breath and say I know you've been cheating on me. I know about the meet ups and the hotels. She says, "Yeah". with a bit of a frog and surprise in her throat. "How do you know?" I said, "I know". She says, "yes, but how do you know, i want to know how you know". I could not contain my rage, I just screamed "YOU'VE LOST YOUR RIGHT TO KNOW ANYTHING!"
A lot of the rest of that initial confrontation is a blur. She later told me I told her to get out and leave that I cant be in the same place as her. She did leave. And called later crying and saying how sorry she was. I wasn't in much of a frame of mind to hear any of that. We had one very tough conversation and through that she admitted to having sex with him "only" three times and it was just sex. She doesn't love him or care for him - doesn't want him to leave his wife. - it was just sex. Almost like it was no big deal. And She didn't divulge much. I still didn't tell her I had 3 months worth of texts. She just wasn't being honest. Because those texts tell a different story of familiarity and playfulness and intimacy.
We did go on a car ride to get away from the kids (not sure when this happened), but we yelled and screamed and then I just started asking questions. What I got out of that was that her new (single, sub 30 years old) girlfriend from work that she was spending so much time with and late into the night often, was on Tinder for some time. My wife's girlfriend posted a pic on Instagram of them "cheers-ing" a drink. The story goes that some dude that the girlfriend matched with saw the pic and showed up to say hi. They all hung out and at the end of that get together, they all exchanged numbers - yes, my wife too. I don't know how long ago that was. During that car ride I asked for what happened after the number exchange. Very reluctant to tell me anything. I was getting more and more angry. I asked if they met up at a later date. yes- at some bar. so he was hitting on her (and she should not have even fucking been there). I asked if they kissed in the bar, outside the bar, in his car? our car? Did she suck his dick? He finger her that first night?? No answers. Those questions shut her down. I did get clarity if he wore a condom. She said my question was rude. I said, "Really? - No it's not." She said that he did wear a condom. Through all this conversation and others, she just minimized the depth and details of what happened. Remember, I had three months of texts between them that she didn't know I had.
As we continued to talk and cry and get angry etc. across multiple conversations, She said she can't live with me watching her every move and her checking in, so i could be sure she was being faithful. She said she blocked his number (a week or so ago), but wont prove that to me. We got in an argument over her gaining my trust back and she just said she wont give me access to her phone or live like that. I got so angry I stormed off, printed the texts, stapled them and went up to the bathroom where she was getting ready for work and handed them to her. she looked super quick and put down the 7 pages of texts. I kinda yelled, "Read it!" She picked it back up and read some and had nothing to say. After she got off work she went out on some "normal" errand and i get a text on my phone that says I was removed from the cell account. So, she saw I busted her and completely cut me off, so i could not even see the log of the calls/texts (not the actual texts). I just want to look at those logs to see if there is an exchange between them. She wont provide that. I have said that then I cannot trust her and if it were reversed, she would feel the same. I'm also not fucking stupid. She is still in contact with him. If she wasn't then she would just show me.
Since I dropped the texts on her, I have also sent her links to videos and articles about healing after infidelity. Ones that do a way better job than I could of explaining my need for information. In one of them I said, "I have been waiting for you to be truly honest with me. I hope you can do that."
She's been very nasty to me and I'm just appalled at that. WTF did I do? If anything, I should be the one that is angry all the time (and I am), but just not with the normal things regarding the kids and continuing to run the household like she is being. She's just venomous to me most of the time.
She agreed to find a therapist for us to go see, but did not follow through on that because I A-bombed her with the texts. So I found a therapist, not knowing if she will come with me. If not, then at least I can get some professional advice and counseling. The therapist recommend that I invite her - in a loving way to go to therapy. She was not interested in speaking with me much at all, so I sent an e-mail... It is below:
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I know you don't want to talk to me. We're both not in a good place right now. I honestly do not want either of us to feel like we do. My anger, sadness, shame, and feeling worthless is getting in the way of my expressing my love for you, but I do love you.
Because I know I don't communicate well with you and I am not a good listener, I'm sending this e-mail.
I would like us to at least unpack our feelings so we can move forward. I found a therapist. He was the only one I found that has a specialty in marriages and infidelity. I looked at over 50 therapists in our area. His name is... <blah and link to his website>
Please take some time to check him out, to determine if you might be willing to call him. You then could ask some questions to see if he might be the person we could meet with together and separately.
I did call him for about 4 minutes or so. I told him my name and asked about his experience. Then I just said that we are not in a good place with a little bit of info. He seemed nice and honestly very balanced. He said, "You both got to where you were, as many couples do, likely by moving apart and not taking action to come back together" or something like that.
Anyway, maybe you would be willing to try to heal together.
Take some time and maybe sometime next week, you can let me know if that's possible. I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to be hurt, but I think to heal we're both going to have to relive some pain. Not only about cheating, but about how we worked together (or too often doing a bad job of working together) as a married couple.
Thanks for reading.
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So here I am today, she has agreed to see the therapist, but has said that she knows how it's going to go... she's the bad person that did the terrible thing and that I have no responsibility for what happened (that was said sarcastically and with angst) - I told her I am not responsible for what happened and I will not take responsibility for her actions. She walked away as I was saying this - just dismissing me.
This was very hard to write and there is a whole ton of things left out.
I'm not sure what I'm expecting to get out of posting this, but I'm going to post it. I still have so many unanswered questions and feel like a shell of myself. The friend that I talked to said, that this is the first time he's ever heard me doubt myself or talk bad about myself and that this has really "done a number on me" That was shocking to hear from a close friend of 20+ years, but he's right.