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Hostile

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Westway posted 6/23/2020 11:27 AM

We don't meet our unrepentant cheaters halfway. They either completely capitulate, or they're no good for reconciliation.

This.

Right now your WW is in the driver's seat. She has zero respect for you and holds you in contempt. File for divorce and plough forwards in getting out of the marriage. She may surprise you by turning herself around and trying to save the marriage, but not likely. Her attitude is shit. If it does happen that she comes back and begs you not to divorce her, THEN you can demand that she gets into IC.

But marriage counseling is a waste of time right now. Take that money and spend it on a retainer for a lawyer, or hire a mediator if you don't want to go the lawyer route. From your description of your WW, she's mean as a snake. Why would you want to stay married to her and put up with all that abuse?

My STBXWW is as lost and unredeemable as they come, but to her credit she isn't outright mean or nasty like your WW is.

BSHusbandWI posted 6/23/2020 12:56 PM

So, this morning I had a plan to tell her that I will not go to marriage counseling because I do not have a marriage... I have a wife that has decided to have a boyfriend. And that is not okay with me.

We talked and she asked about a house project (and if it was okay to take the next step), because she wanted to have the room clean and free to work out. She is going to focus on herself and being healthy etc. Oh and she said, "you should just go to the MC yourself...

She was going to continue to talk but i interrupted with the info that I was not planning on going like I said at the beginning of this post. She denied that she had a boyfriend. I just said she did.

Then she began to tell me that it's easier for me to be angry then face the truth about my part in the marriage I just interrupted her and said, "I will not discuss our relationship. I will talk with you about how to divorce, split our assets and care for the kids. I had to say that twice because she kept trying to convince me about my part of a bad marriage. (which is NOT part of the discussion). I also told her I was going to spend the day to continue working to get employed and list our assets and the personal property I would like to keep and that she should consider doing the same.

She walks away a lot when we argue - which she then did. As she was walking away, she was still blaming me... I said she was the one who cheated. I was in the same shitty marriage and I did not cheat.

I have contacted a PI to find this POS that she cheated with (and his address and wife's name) so I can tell her about what happened and give her the text transcript. It's $200. I really doubt that they will be able to find him because the only thing i have is a burner phone number. I have asked the PI about guarantees that they can find him and be sure it's him (that would be a whole can of worms if I went to someone's house and dropped the bombshell and they were the wrong couple). I hope to hear back from the PI soon.

I have $$ from my severance in the bank that I will take 50% from into a separate account.

Before I found out about her A, we had already discussed divorcing. I talked at length with her about not having lawyers to leave us each in the best place possible after we go our separate ways. I think she's on board with that.

KingofNothing posted 6/23/2020 13:42 PM

Wow, what a change of events. THIS. This is taking your power back, and surviving her infidelity. Good for you.

BTW, I didn't notice you had been laid off. I'm awfully sorry. I hope you get employed soon.

Bor9455 posted 6/23/2020 13:57 PM

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:20 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

BSHusbandWI posted 6/23/2020 14:06 PM

Maybe someone who was a WW or WH, could explain to me some strange behavior.

In some of our "discussions" (read, arguing and some yelling) she has said very strongly and in no uncertain terms that she wont live like this... having her texts watched phone looked at... letting me know where she's going and then checking in. She wont.

Weird though, on multiple occasions, she has told me where she was going. And checked in even with a pic to prove she was where she said she was. Even today, she called and said she was going to grab coffee for her and a friend and then hang out at her house. She is at a place that I can easily check up on her. They are a married couple that we hang with from time to time. No picture yet, but she took the time to tell me where she was going when an hour or two earlier I said I would only talk about divorce, splitting our assets and taking care of the kids.

Can someone explain this behavior to me? I don't get it.

squid posted 6/23/2020 14:08 PM

Be prepared for her to get nasty. The more she realizes she is not in control, the more predictably unpredictable she will become.

Make sure you keep your evidence safe and have a VAR (voice activated recorder) on you at all times to capture any and all conversations between the two of you.

Otherwise, you are doing great. Stay focused. D-train full speed ahead.

EllieKMAS posted 6/23/2020 14:12 PM

Can someone explain this behavior to me? I don't get it.
If your 16 year old daughter was doing this, what would you assume? You'd probably assume she was lying and doing something inappropriate, otherwise why bother with all this subterfuge?

She is over-compensating hoping you will just quiet back down and let her live her delusion the way she wants. Don't do that. Blow it up.

Bor9455 posted 6/23/2020 14:13 PM

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:22 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

BSHusbandWI posted 6/23/2020 14:20 PM

Changing the locks is a bad idea. She owns this house along with me - legally.

While I can ask her to leave - I can't lock her out and I can't MAKE her leave.

My thought on that is when I'm ready to drop the harsh reality to my kids, then that will make her want to go. No one in this house will want to be around her.

I'm just still processing the telling them about her actions. I'm much closer to telling her family and friends than I am with telling the kids.

Westway posted 6/23/2020 14:21 PM

You are doing really well. Staying on point when she tries to rile your feathers is the way to keep going. Do like you are doing and stay focused on the objective and ignore her jibes and attempts to blame you for her bad behavior.

Gaslighting, blame-shifting assholes like her make me sick. Unfortunately this world is full of them. We have some of them here on SI.

Buster123 posted 6/23/2020 14:32 PM

Good for you for not going to this farce of a MC session, that money is better spent on the PI or lawyer.

I have contacted a PI to find this POS that she cheated with (and his address and wife's name) so I can tell her about what happened and give her the text transcript. It's $200. I really doubt that they will be able to find him because the only thing i have is a burner phone number. I have asked the PI about guarantees that they can find him and be sure it's him (that would be a whole can of worms if I went to someone's house and dropped the bombshell and they were the wrong couple). I hope to hear back from the PI soon.

Listen $200 bucks is not a lot in the great scheme of things, money well spent if you asked me, it should not take the PI long to find out, they have many tools but they simply need to follow her, of course it would have been easier if you still had access to the texts so that you would new when the next meeting was going to happen but it's too late for that now, that's why we ALWAYS advice here to NEVER reveal your sources unless absolutely necessary for legal purposes, anyway since it's evident she doesn't want to stop her A, you should proceed with the next step you have control of, that is FULL EXPOSURE with family and close friends WITHOUT WARNING, tell them she cheated, she admitted it once you confronted her with proof, once you know who the OM is make sure you name him.

The other step you have control of is D, file for D and have her served, the one who files first usually has more control of the proceedings, she's refusing to do anything, so your only logical choice right now is to start getting out of infidelity by filing for D, there's a chance she could come crawling back if OM dumps her after you expose him (very likely he will dump your WW to save his own M), so be prepared for that. EXPOSE TODAY ! start with your children (they're old enough), then your inlaws, your parents and close friends.

BSHusbandWI posted 6/23/2020 14:36 PM

She is trying to see that she can still manipulate you. She knows you love her and she can try and play you like this to get what she wants out of it. She loves the fact that there are two men who are pining for her, it's all those extra ego kibbles for her.

That is likely true. But I feel like I love myself, my integrity and pride and strength as a man MORE than her at this point. It's like Fuck Her. I'm better than to put up with what happened and is still happening. I deserve more. No one can tell me I'm to blame for this.

Now I'm just going to continue to take action. One thing I think I want to time out is the notification to his wife and my moving the money and outing her to everyone. I think that pretty much needs to happen one right after another. Thoughts?

ChamomileTea posted 6/23/2020 14:37 PM

In some of our "discussions" (read, arguing and some yelling) she has said very strongly and in no uncertain terms that she wont live like this... having her texts watched phone looked at... letting me know where she's going and then checking in. She wont.

Weird though, on multiple occasions, she has told me where she was going.

She's placating you in the hopes you'll think, "well, I always know where she is anyway". The point isn't that you check her phone. The point is that she's willing to let you check her phone. People with nothing to hide hide nothing.

You're doing well. From what you've posted, I would guess that she was pretty sure you'd back down. Now that you're not, she's a little rattled. Don't let her draw you into any arguments, and get a VAR (or recording app on your phone) ASAP. You don't want to be one of those guys who gets drawn into a screaming match and gets put out of the house on a trumped up D/V.

In terms of telling the kids... keep your powder dry on that for right now. That is, unless they have questions. If that ends up being the case, keep it age appropriate. You always want to imagine that you're explaining your words and actions to the family court judge. YOU want to be the voice of sanity and reason.

Tigersrule77 posted 6/23/2020 14:39 PM

You need to go no contact with your WW. There is no need for her to check in or tell you where she is going. It is all camouflage for when she goes to the meet the AP. "Do I have to tell you where I am every minute of the day?" No. She is a cheater and a liar, and that is all you need to know.

I know you said you are trying to avoid lawyers, and you can certainly try to negotiate the terms with your WW, but you need to hire an attorney so that you know exactly where you stand. Also to make sure that what you are negotiating for makes sense and that the terms you agree to are legal.

If you can come to terms quickly, she may agree so she can go back to seeing her AP, without having to hide anything.

Also, please make sure YOU tell your sons why you are splitting up. Don't hide anything from them. It is not your job to protect your WW.

Buster123 posted 6/23/2020 14:44 PM

Can someone explain this behavior to me? I don't get it.

She's losing control of the situation, this is NOT how it was supposed to go, you were NEVER supposed to find out, she's trying to appease you so that she can remain in the driver' seat and avoid exposure, blow that out of the water and expose her, don't act out of fear, right now your M is a sham, those who take decisive and swift action usually have the best results, don't telegraph your move, don't let her plan a strategy, EXPOSE her and let her scramble for her next move.

BTW I agree changing the locks is a bad idea and legally you can't force her to do it, however often time EXPOSURE and facing the music with the children could make her leave at least for a few days/weeks. Don't forget to get tested for STDs, this is another one of those things you have control of.

BSHusbandWI posted 6/23/2020 14:48 PM

Don't forget to get tested for STDs, this is another one of those things you have control of.

We haven't been intimate in years. I don't even know how she keeps her "hair down there".

No need for testing and I'm not putting my dick in that slutty hole.

Buster123 posted 6/23/2020 14:52 PM

Your children already know there's something very wrong, like you said they're always asking "where's mom?", they will inevitably know what's about to happen/is happening, make sure you tell them your version first, again you have done NOTHING wrong here, they're stakeholders as well as both sets of parents and inlaws on both sides, how you handle this will have a profound impact in their lives, keep your integrity intact with them, it's NOT your job to hide your WW's affair and boyfriend.

Bor9455 posted 6/23/2020 14:55 PM

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:23 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

Buster123 posted 6/23/2020 14:57 PM

No need for testing and I'm not putting my dick in that slutty hole.

I don't blame you, but again this may not necessarily be her first rodeo, just the first time you found out about it, plus some STDs could be transmitted via saliva (kissing), there's an array of deceases that could have a lifelong effect and even manifest many years later, I would just get it out of the way just to be on the safe side.

Westway posted 6/23/2020 14:59 PM

That is likely true. But I feel like I love myself, my integrity and pride and strength as a man MORE than her at this point. It's like Fuck Her. I'm better than to put up with what happened and is still happening. I deserve more. No one can tell me I'm to blame for this.

Yes! That's the ticket.

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