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TheGuy123 posted 7/8/2020 23:34 PM

I do it cuz over ten yrs ago I went through the most painful shyt ever, and strangers got me through it.

I think some of my post might suck, but other times I believe they help....at the very least a different perspective from the guy that's wired different then most.

At the end of the day I think I'm paying it forward.

IDK...some times I see a thread and I just have to throw my $0.02 in....yours is one of them. (sorry )

Your old lady is just so...not worth the risk.....some times I have to share what is worth taking the risk (from my experience) and when a guy just needs to bail!

You will get thru this!!!!

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 11:35 PM, July 8th (Wednesday)]

TheGuy123 posted 7/9/2020 00:04 AM

What is depressing...is a guy posting his "pick me dance" thread .....you my friend are not one of them and call me stupid but your thread makes me happy.

Why. You are not rewarding your WW for her bad choices. You have a boundary. Your old lady can't pull her head out of her butt to have the degree of submission she needs to save her family!

You my friend know she will cheat again if she doesn't own this bad behavior and faces the phucked up shyt she has in her head with out professional help.

Until that time she will always be an unsafe partner. It isn't her ...it is her marriage and she couldn't be any further from the truth about her own thinking.

Stay the course.

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 12:07 AM, July 9th (Thursday)]

RocketRaccoon posted 7/9/2020 05:38 AM

Because the way I am acting, is beyond anything I thought i was EVER capable of. Having my boys see me act like that or having them hear me say to WW, "Your're such a fucking whore, how many guys have you spread your legs for?" During one of those rages... I NEVER thought I would/could say that about anyone let alone my wife. AND the thought that the boys would hear that.. NO WAY!!

Dude, you are human first and foremost.

Look at it another way; your kids know what happened, but if they see you hold it all in, and keep quiet about it, it can also send them the wrong signals. It can be misconstrued that one should keep quiet about reprehensible behaviour. Do not rage against that kind of behaviour.

Yes, you are their dad, and they will see the pain you are in, and the cause of it. They would be able to see how much you are controlling yourself.

So, in summary, you are human, and will need to vent. Yes, it was unfortunate that your kids saw part of it, but it is not like you are doing this 24/7.

I know it is hard, but hope you find peace. Talk to your boys about this.

BSHusbandWI posted 7/9/2020 08:43 AM

You my friend know she will cheat again if she doesn't own this bad behavior and faces the phucked up shyt she has in her head with out professional help.

At the moment, I have absolutely no reason to believe that she has NC with OM. There has been no transparency on that. Just her word that number was blocked and isn't in contact. And based on events over at least five months, her word is not to be trusted.

It's just not good enough and sends a clear message where her priorities are. With her not willing to prove her innocence so to speak, it means she is guilty. This is not a court of law where she is innocent until proven guilty. It's a situation where she has proven herself capable of choosing to deceive and lie to her own selfish benefit. So by not providing evidence to prove she is being truthful about NC, any reasonable person can only conclude that she is still in contact and likely still meeting and being intimate with him.

I REST MY CASE.

Bigger posted 7/9/2020 09:12 AM

Although losing your rag with the boyís present is understandable then itís also regrettable.

Am I correct that they are 16 and 18? Young men?

They already know parents arenít perfect. Thatís OK. They realize that. But I think it could be a major teaching-moment if you tell them that you are sorry they witnessed this, that the argument is between your wife (who happens to be their mom). That it was fueled by passion and anger and that although itís important for her to realize how deeply she hurt you then this behavior is neither exemplary nor likely to get results. But that you should have know better than have them witness and hear what you said.

I truly think itís OK for them to see the anger, the passion in the anger and all that. But they need to understand exactly what you imply in your post:

I NEVER thought I would/could say that about anyone let alone my wife.

That although this behavior was understandable itís regrettable and not exemplary.

BSH Ė My focus right now is not least to limit the damage to your sons. Keep them out of this fight, despite the shrapnel that will inevitably fall at them.

BSHusbandWI posted 7/9/2020 09:36 AM

Bigger:

Yes, 16 & 18.

Just to be clear, they did not hear me say WW was a whore or any of that.

the 16 yo saw me smashing the cat tower to bits. And I did talk to him about it last night. I asked him what he thought when he came into the garage. He said he was sad. I talked to him about emotions and that as a family we have a lot to deal with and with that comes some pretty extreme emotions. That it's important to find an outlet for them. Sometimes, I have talked through them, and sometimes went for walks, and this time I decided to get the tower ready for trash day. I told him that I was sorry that he saw me like that and that I just forgot he was in his room watching Youtube and hadn't intended for him to see that. Also that the tower did need to be broken down so it could fit in the trash, so I thought it was a good outlet.

We talked about working through where we are now. I asked if he wanted to talk or ask any questions of me. And asked if he has been discussing with any of his close friends. And made sure he knew that at anytime he can see a professional who has a lot of experience dealing with this - but that I didn't want to force him to go. I just said he can't keep his feelings bottled up and needs to talk to someone. That I'm here for him and I love him. We hugged and then I let him be.

ChamomileTea posted 7/9/2020 09:59 AM

You're not the first among us to wonder, "where the hell do I put all this rage???" I had a month of sessions with my therapist on just that topic. I expect most of us did.

I think you'll do fine talking to your boys. Not only do you have the training, you love them and want what's best for them. But understand, that NO ONE goes through an experience like this perfectly without a hair out of place. We all have one regret or another about how we handled it. And actually, smashing the cat tower isn't a bad therapy. "Smashing" was actually one of my counselor-led therapies.

Don't be hard on yourself. Remember that compassion starts with YOU, and that there's a difference between compassion and self-pity. Compassion lifts you UP. It's the voice of your inner cheerleader. Self-pity puts you DOWN. It's the voice of your inner critic. Never let your inner critic run roughshod over you. Answer back. Correct his misinformation. Challenge him with facts and evidence.

If you're sinking and you can't lift yourself out of it, talk to your doctor about depression/anxiety. Most of us have had to take some pharmaceutical help in one form or another, whether it's antidepressants or mild tranquilizers. Situational depression goes hand-in-hand with infidelity, and you don't have to tough it out on your own. You won't need that kind of help forever.

You're doing okay. Really. I know it feels messy, but messy is normal.

ETA: Cross-posting and just saw how you handled your discussion with your son, and you did GREAT!!

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 10:03 AM, July 9th (Thursday)]

Bigger posted 7/9/2020 10:42 AM

You are doing great.

Bor9455 posted 7/9/2020 10:47 AM

If you're sinking and you can't lift yourself out of it, talk to your doctor about depression/anxiety. Most of us have had to take some pharmaceutical help in one form or another, whether it's antidepressants or mild tranquilizers. Situational depression goes hand-in-hand with infidelity, and you don't have to tough it out on your own. You won't need that kind of help forever.

BSH,

You may recall that when you and exchanged PMs early on that I suggested you at least explore this with your physician. Again, take it as a suggestion, but something I would you urge you to seriously consider. Medications for acute depression like you are dealing with can be a life preserver you didn't know you needed until you had it. I know I felt that way, and of course there is a certain stigma in our culture about taking "those kinds" of medications, but the reality is that a lot of people take them everyday. I'm not a physician and certainly not saying you need them, but I would say that there is no shame in admitting you need help, which forgive me if I'm wrong here, I think your recent posts are sending that message to all of us, that as strong you have been to power through these early stages, you still need help.

Good luck man and keep going, you have been doing great through all this, but it is going to be a long journey.

BSHusbandWI posted 7/9/2020 11:22 AM

I appreciate the concern and suggestions that I discuss medication with my physician.

I'm pretty anti-drugs. I'm not some "holistic, eastern medicine" person either.

I guess I trust that I'll only be dealt cards that I can play. And I have a desire to put as little man-made pharmaceuticals into me as possible.

Bor, you mention the social stigma. I honestly don't give a rats ass what other might think of me taking any prescribed drugs for anything really. It's my choice and that's it. I'm totally unconcerned about others on that.

Years ago I got in a major car accident and didn't want to take the morphine they sent me home with. I eventually did, but just a bit during the worst pain for a few days.

So, if I really feel like I need to go that route, I will.

Thanks for the concern.

Bor9455 posted 7/9/2020 12:45 PM

I appreciate the concern and suggestions that I discuss medication with my physician.
I'm pretty anti-drugs. I'm not some "holistic, eastern medicine" person either.

I guess I trust that I'll only be dealt cards that I can play. And I have a desire to put as little man-made pharmaceuticals into me as possible.

Bor, you mention the social stigma. I honestly don't give a rats ass what other might think of me taking any prescribed drugs for anything really. It's my choice and that's it. I'm totally unconcerned about others on that.

Years ago I got in a major car accident and didn't want to take the morphine they sent me home with. I eventually did, but just a bit during the worst pain for a few days.

So, if I really feel like I need to go that route, I will.

Thanks for the concern.

Glad you took it the way that I hoped that you would, as a friendly suggestion from someone who really wants to see you make it to the other side of this here Rubicon Personally, the stigma was an issue, but when I talked to my IC about he, he mentioned that more than half of all Americans are on something to handle "mental health issues".

There are a ton of other options though, you can pursue a hobby for you that is outside the home, something you've always wanted to do, but maybe didn't because your wife wasn't into it or something along those lines. For myself, it was Salsa Dancing, prior to the pandemic, I had taken a few classes and found it great.

I don't know if you have any interest in taking up a hobby like running/walking or something like that, but I highly recommend physical activity as it helps to deal with some of all this.

Westway posted 7/9/2020 12:46 PM

For a moment there I thought you had chopped up the cat.

Nothing wrong with taking your anger out in a somewhat constructive fashion. I mean, you were just busting up an item to throw in the garbage. Nothing wrong with that.

Once this Covid scare is over, and gyms start opening back up, you should start a weightlifting regimen, or maybe take some martial arts classes. That is a great way to blow off tension.

Newlifeisgreat posted 7/9/2020 12:58 PM

You want to feel better?
You want to feel ALL the weight Fall off your back?

FILE!!!!

You know that she is not showing remorse.
You know she will cheat again
You know that she is not even close to being a candidate for R


I know you are hurting. Iíve been there!!!
But you will be amazed how you will feel when you get the call that she has been served!

Good luck and stay strong

Newlifeisgreat posted 7/9/2020 13:00 PM

And until gyms reopen, I strongly suggest that you get a heavy punching bag and hang it up in the garage or basement. It will help you release so much of your frustration.

BSHusbandWI posted 7/9/2020 15:08 PM

To all of you waywards out there...

In your wayward experiences where you stepped outside your marriage for 6 months or more...

Is it feasible that you would only know the first name of your AP?

That's the story I'm getting. She doesn't know his last name. AFTER 6 MONTHS OF FUCKING AROUND?!?!?

I find it hard to believe. And it then conveniently still leaves me in the dark on who he is. It tells me nothing. There is no resolution for me at all.

How can that possibly be?

EllieKMAS posted 7/9/2020 15:20 PM

Hey BSH - waywards are not allowed to post or respond in JFO. You can go to the 'BS Questions for WS' thread in the I Can Relate forum and post your question there.

You doing better-ish today?

Stinger posted 7/9/2020 15:24 PM

She is lying, as usual. These folks lie like there is no tomorrow.

EllieKMAS posted 7/9/2020 15:26 PM

Is it feasible that you would only know the first name of your AP?
Also just...............

Possible? Slight maybe. The same kind of slight maybe that I will wake up 25k richer tomorrow.

But IMHO she's just tellin more lies in the hope that you will kindly STFU about it already.

If you have a first name though - can you go through FB friends list? Look up the phone number on a people search site?

BSHusbandWI posted 7/9/2020 15:38 PM

YES, not so depressed.

The MC put together a "contract" (that the WW has agreed to) that includes
WW divudging:
1. When the affair began and how long it lasted. 2. The circumstances and her feelings that predisposed her to begin the affair.
3. The frequency and types of intimacy she had with POS
4. The identity of POS to husband.
5. I promise not to contact or communicate with POS.
6. WW promise not to communicate with POS for three months.
7. Be civil and work together to see where we go from here (R, separate or D)
8. Make a communication plan about talking to the kids together - so they know what's going on.

I called him and asked about the identity piece. I said she knows that telling me she cheated with "John" or "Bob" doesn't reveal his identity, right? MC said that WW told him she doesn't know POSs last name. (She had told me that in one of our initial blow outs that we had).

He of course said that if that's the story then... I said why I wanted to know... I need to know so that if I'm out at a store I can identify him and stay clear and be on guard because he is no friend. MC can understand that, but both of you are going to have to trust.

And while I did not blow up ... I was calm, but very stern, said something like, "I'm supposed to trust her? Why would I do that. She's given me no reasons to trust her at all. She's done nothing that would help rebuild any trust and I'm just supposed to accept that everything she would tell me tomorrow is true? Why would I do that?"

He understood. It didn't change anything. I didn't commit to tomorrow's meeting. I told him, i have to think and I'll call him later.


BSHusbandWI posted 7/9/2020 15:40 PM

If you have a first name though - can you go through FB friends list? Look up the phone number on a people search site?

Because of the VAR, I might already have the first name. I'm just not sure if I do.

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