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Newlifeisgreat posted 7/2/2020 18:39 PM

What state are you in?

BSHusbandWI posted 7/2/2020 18:52 PM

Wisconsin

totallydumb posted 7/3/2020 08:45 AM

Who gives a rats ass which path to divorce this pathetic cheater wants?

It's what YOU want that matters.

Why are you letting her have control of the situation?

Kick this lying cheater off the pedestal that you have installed her on, and move forward the way you want to. To hell with whatever she wants.

Her wants and needs have gotten you where you are today, why let her continue to dictate which turn your life takes now?

Stop letting a lying cheater have control of your life and future. Move forward for yourself.

BSHusbandWI posted 7/3/2020 08:52 AM

Also ask her what is she expecting from IC,

Thanks for the suggestion. I actually did this before you wrote it. Mainly because I wasn't understanding the point of going to IC first, then mediation.

She wasn't sure. She could not articulate it very well other than "figure out things for myself"

BSHusbandWI posted 7/3/2020 09:05 AM

totallydumb:

Those are good points. I have to try to remember them.

I need a mantra. Maybe it's "Do things that make you happy, take care of your boys and moves you forward".

and totallydumb...I love your signature:
If you see your ex with someone else--don't be jealous. Our parents taught us to give our old,used toys to the less fortunate.

BSHusbandWI posted 7/3/2020 10:01 AM

I just got out of another discussion with WW.

Among my words... "Sorry you feel that way" (not even sure how many times I said that),

"You've had choices along the way and still have choices and so do I. I'm choosing not to talk about this."

With her words (not actions) she kinda reached out... She said, "I love you and I want to work with you on this, but the way you're treating me makes me not want to do that"

While my thoughts were, you don't want to do that because you can't control the new me. If I was the old me, you'd be down with working with me, because I'd be a sad, pathetic man begging for scraps of information. AND that's an amazing awesome bullshit excuse for not working with me - "It's you not me". That excuse assumes that if I just be less grey rock and treat her like nothing happened (or at least be more cordial to her), that she'd do the things on the list - NOT! Sooooo, Instead of expressing those thoughts, I said something like:

i've given you initial steps that you can take to work with me. You've not done one of them. If you want to work with me, then do that. First the adultery, then our history and marriage. As for how I am treating you... I'm acting this way because of your actions I wasn't acting like this before you cheated. You created this, so now you have to deal with this. That last sentence was exactly what I said the other stuff more of a paraphrase.

She continues to equate the bad marriage as a cause and effect to to the cheating. I had to remind her that I was in the same marriage, but didn't cheat like she did - that she chose that and that I'm half responsible for the state of the marriage, but I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE AND WILL NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HER CHEATING.

For some time, I had hopes that she would just come to me, sit down, hand me her phone so I could look at everything and see that his number is blocked and see all that was going on... I envisioned that she would then give me access to the phone records so I could see who she has been communicating with and then at least I would know her level of honesty. And then we'd start discussing... When did it start? What's his name? What does he do for a living? What's the real story on how you met?...

I think all of that is a pipe dream. Never going to happen. She has chosen him over me even to this day - she wont even tell me his name or when it started. As hard as it is to admit, those two simple facts tell me all I need to know.

It's not easy to think this or type this, but I'm on my own and need to move forward.

BeyondRage posted 7/3/2020 10:13 AM

For some time, I had hopes that she would just come to me, sit down, hand me her phone so I could look at everything and see that his number is blocked and see all that was going on... I envisioned that she would then give me access to the phone records so I could see who she has been communicating with and then at least I would know her level of honesty. And then we'd start discussing... When did it start? What's his name? What does he do for a living? What's the real story on how you met?...

Good for you. How on earth would anyone in their right mind try to reconcile with the above????
There is nothing about what she did that you can verify.

Get rid of her as quick as you can. No more needs to be said or figured out.

BSHusbandWI posted 7/3/2020 10:57 AM

AND

During that last conversation she said she told me everything.

WHAT. THE. FUCK???

Her saying that was kind of timely. Yesterday, I wrote down on my phone everything I knew about the affair. I did it to get clarity and also thought with that clarity I might actually know more about this POS that I thought I do and that could help a PI find him.

So, as she said that I was flabbergasted... I pulled out my phone and said I know basically nothing... Here's what I know... And i read off the list. That list included things like "been going on well before feb 3, "His car has tinted windows", "Is handsome according to WW", "Has a big dick according to WW" (yes, the texts included her making comments about how she liked his big dick). And there were other things too. I finished the list and then I said that that is ALL I know - have told me basically nothing.

Much of the things I know, I learned from the texts and sleuthing (not her).


In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have given her any intel about what I know, but with her actions, I don't think it hurt any.

Bigger posted 7/3/2020 10:59 AM

Iím sitting with noise-cancelation headphones in my home-office while a contractor is breaking tiles with a jackhammer in my bathroom.
About 10 years ago I decided to save money by doing some DIY plumbing and tiling. Now I have professionals laughing at my handiwork fixing the leak, the falling tiles and ridding me of the moldy smell. Itís costing me three times what the DIY did, but I can expect the bathroom to last until I move out or am carried out in a box. Sometimes DIY doesnít pay. Especially not in the long run. Sometimes the short-term cost of professional work pays dividends over the long-term.

I think that applies for divorce too.

Donít let her control the pace. If she canít tell you how she wants to process, then YOU either
(a) do your own self-service divorce where you as fairly as you can divide the assets/debts. Then ask her to read the completed suggestion. If she doesnít respond you go to suggestion b
(b) contact an attorney and ask him to do the above. As long as you are fair, and the attorney is relatively impartial he should draw up a near-final contract. You suggest she has an attorney read it over but warn her that any unfair demands will only spiral the cost Ė not change the outcome.

You are on the right track now IMHO.
I can see in your posts some wish that R would be possible. I think only the BS can decide if they want or can R with the WS. I donít see your wife as an exceptionally worse WS that many others and think that IF everything lined up reconciliation could be possible. I also think that even if things line up you are totally free to seek divorce. Itís your call.

Only things arenít lining upÖ

YOUR steady plodding along the path of getting out of infidelity is pulling her along. She is slowly giving you more info. Sheís delaying the d-decision because it was originally only a threat, she didnít see you carry out.
If she has another sit-down with you then calmly explain how itís not even worth your time to try reconciliation while you donít know who OM is. That even if you tried you would constantly be wondering if itís Jack from across the street, that guy she always says hi to at the diner, her boss, her gynecologist, the friendly guy at the company Christmas partyÖ

You can also point out that if your actions were the defining factor that made her think having an affair was OK because the marriage had issues then there really isnít any hope anyway.
Maybe 5 years from now your actions might cause her to have another affair. Maybe you forget to take out the trash two weeks in a row. Maybe you forget her momís birthday. Maybe you go golfing three Sundays in a row. Maybe that would make her think she had to give the next-door neighbor a BJ.
It just doesnít make sense. If she cheated she did so because she decided to. Not because of marital issues.

BSHusbandWI posted 7/3/2020 12:09 PM

YOUR steady plodding along the path of getting out of infidelity is pulling her along. She is slowly giving you more info. Sheís delaying the d-decision because it was originally only a threat, she didnít see you carry out.
If she has another sit-down with you then calmly explain how itís not even worth your time to try reconciliation while you donít know who OM is. That even if you tried you would constantly be wondering if itís Jack from across the street, that guy she always says hi to at the diner, her boss, her gynecologist, the friendly guy at the company Christmas partyÖ

You can also point out that if your actions were the defining factor that made her think having an affair was OK because the marriage had issues then there really isnít any hope anyway.
Maybe 5 years from now your actions might cause her to have another affair. Maybe you forget to take out the trash two weeks in a row. Maybe you forget her momís birthday. Maybe you go golfing three Sundays in a row. Maybe that would make her think she had to give the next-door neighbor a BJ.
It just doesnít make sense. If she cheated she did so because she decided to. Not because of marital issues.

Calmly explained (if she would let me get all those words out) I think that's reasonable. I think to say it right I would need to practice it a bit.

One factor that is part of her talk track about me dictating what she needs to do to reconcile, is that it's always what I want (and never what anyone else wants). I did tell her that not her or anyone else gets to tell me what I need to begin healing. (and yes, that goes for all of you in this forum too). :-)

While I didn't go into it other than my letter, I need to know a ton of information - timelines, what lies she told to cover up where she was, who she was with and what she was doing (I think knowing the lies is very important- If I am ever to be able to trust her again, I need to think back to those lies she told that I took as truths at the time, dissect them and improve my lie detecting capabilities. Because if I were to see that behavior again, I would need to address it).

Buffer posted 7/3/2020 13:55 PM

Strength brother, be that grey rock. Keep digging for information; you are doing this for yourself and your children. She is just trying to control you..
One day at a time.
Buffer

Bigger posted 7/3/2020 14:09 PM

Itís not what you want.
You want out of infidelity.
Itís about what you NEED

If she wants you to go the R path than then D path.
You on the other hand are content with D if you don't have what you need to go another route.

goalong posted 7/3/2020 14:58 PM

If I was the old me, you'd be down with working with me, because I'd be a sad, pathetic man begging for scraps of information. AND that's an amazing awesome bullshit excuse for not working with me -

You have come a long way in such a short time. Certainly it shows, at least in words, you have become more attractive to your WW and also she shows you more respect. As the saying goes act like you are going to end it to save it .
Now you are right in the middle , polite and unemotional. Whether you want to R or D depends on how much you value your past with her, how far she will go to make it work and finally what you really want for your future.
Looks like she is realizing she is not her toxic friend's age.

BSHusbandWI posted 7/3/2020 15:15 PM

Now you are right in the middle , polite and unemotional.

I'm not all that polite. I have been short with her and not very communicative. I sometimes say snarky things with a real dead pan delivery.

For instance, I was at a friend's house last night. Decided to Lyft home for safety (just in case... The last thing I need now is a DUI.) This morning she asked where my car was and I said "not here". I just didn't feel like telling her where I was. She got mad and that was when she said that the way I am treating her makes her not want to resolve anything. I just think it's an excuse to not talk about the adultery.

I'm having a different friend over tonight to hang, grill out and enjoy the weather.

The1stWife posted 7/3/2020 15:48 PM

Sheís lost control of you and she doesnít like it.

End of story.

fareast posted 7/3/2020 16:07 PM

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Yup! You are not following the script and she doesnít like it.

EllieKMAS posted 7/3/2020 16:47 PM

Also she lost any right to being in your business when she spread her legs for some random fuckboy. So yeah, it's none of her damn business where your car is.

Just mho.

goalong posted 7/3/2020 17:02 PM

What you mentioned is 180. Keep doing it. What I meant being polite is during your arguments/conversations with WW regarding relationship.
Also remember WSs need to know there is a caring spouse at home who does not know about their cheating to fully enjoy what they are doing. Now that is not the case for her she cannot enjoy her escapades as much

[This message edited by goalong at 5:03 PM, July 3rd (Friday)]

HouseOfPlane posted 7/3/2020 17:57 PM

1stWife

Sheís lost control of you and she doesnít like it.
For sure. Itís almost sad to watch them realize the game is up.

Almost

Her winning play up until this point has always been to lie. To the extent that you still care at all, work to make her winning play be the truth.

Youíre doing great WI. Keep on keeping on.

DeWittle posted 7/3/2020 18:33 PM

Wow Bigger, that was an amazing post, Iím standing clapping (there is a meme somewhere of Leonardo DeCapro and if I were younger Iíd know how to do all that crap). Sorry bout your floor.

Calmly explained (if she would let me get all those words out) I think that's reasonable. I think to say it right I would need to practice it a bit. ...
You are allowed to write things down and simply read it to her. Just say I had to write because I want to get it right, because itís Important, please let me finish.

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