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Shockedmom posted 7/1/2020 21:29 PM

Buffer...😁. Oh my gosh that is funny.

TheGuy123 posted 7/1/2020 22:26 PM

Their mom wants and has had a boyfriend and you will not share her with a boyfriend so she is mad.

Her cheating has consequences and we will all have to suffer, but their mom doesn't want to suffer with the consequences so she is mad.

Their mom made a bad choice in finding a boyfriend while married and she knew what was at stake and took the risk, got caught...she is mad she got caught.

Husbands and wives...boyfriends and girlfriend need to be loyal and honest with each other their mom wasn't loyal and honest and she is mad at her self but can't face it.

Their mom is mad b/c her finding a boyfriend is a deal breaker for their dad before she got a divorced first. First you divorce your spouse then you find and new boyfriend/girlfriend.

At the end of the day WW is their mom but the boys wouldn't want to date a girl like her....maybe leave this one out....keep your marketing pitch to what your boys should expect from a girlfriend/future wife.
Stay away from "their mom" it takes away from the marketing pitch you are trying to make. Change the words "their mom" to "girlfriends/future wife"

Let your boys draw their own conclusion, and let their moral compass guild them it what they will do and tolerate in their future relationships.

So my thinking is you can talk to your boys about their mom with out telling them what a back stabbing, POS, tramp she is by changing the reference.....if you know what I mean?

(no offense to tramps. BTW)

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 10:56 PM, July 1st (Wednesday)]

BSHusbandWI posted 7/2/2020 00:09 AM

Their mom wants and has had a boyfriend and you will not share her with a boyfriend so she is mad.
Her cheating has consequences and we will all have to suffer, but their mom doesn't want to suffer with the consequences so she is mad.

Their mom made a bad choice in finding a boyfriend while married and she knew what was at stake and took the risk, got caught...she is mad she got caught.

Husbands and wives...boyfriends and girlfriend need to be loyal and honest with each other their mom wasn't loyal and honest and she is mad at her self but can't face it.

Their mom is mad b/c her finding a boyfriend is a deal breaker for their dad before she got a divorced first. First you divorce your spouse then you find and new boyfriend/girlfriend.

I might use those words here and there, but I think they are best used later (except maybe the consequences one). That's a tough thing to say. Despite what WW did, I don't want the boys to hate her forever. Maybe be angry for some time. They still need a mom. My sister was wronged by my dad and never forgave him. She still has those bad feelings to this day and can never talk them through because he died 3 years ago. I don't want anything even close to that for my kids with their mom.

WW came to me tonight and asked if she should use my therapist or one she can get through her health plan. I told her it depended what she was looking to do - If she wanted IC, then her plan. If she had any thoughts about MC, then the guy I picked, but she needs to be ready to be truthful. I told her that she to date has given me two stories on how she met this guy. I retold each. She looked confused and didn't entirely agree that she gave me 2 stories. I told her to trust me, that I wouldn't forget the stories and that's what she said. I then told her that I can't trust anything that she says anymore and that she has such a hatred for me. That I can only imagine what she says about me to her young friend. Se said she doesn't say anything (lies - I was called a fucking piece of shit and loser by WW to friend). She also went on about how i said bad things to her friend on Saturday night. I called her the c word and had to tell her to get off my property multiple times. I did do that. I just said she's not good for you. and left it at that.

I just can't fathom why after feeling that way toward me, she would even be considering MC and trying to R. I honestly don't know if I can do any of that. I'm trying to make a judgement if it would be worth going through all the pain to learn everything and complete the puzzle. Because I truly don't know if I will be able to go any further.

For those of you that have a need to know most every detail like I do... Was learning all of that (the timeline, her actions, his actions, her thoughts while she made each decision and act, what they did together, what lies she told to keep it secret) worth the pain of hearing it all?

EllieKMAS posted 7/2/2020 00:20 AM

I needed the whole pile of shit. Not gonna lie, it hurt. But for me NOT knowing would have been worse. I didn't want my imagination filling in the blanks ya know? Only you can say if you need that info.

As for your kids. Their mom did this to them too. She betrayed ALL of you. They will have to navigate how that changes the dynamics of their relationship with her going forward. Hopefully they won't hate her, but whatever happens there is out of your hands. Your ww lost a lot of ground with them too and it is up to her to deal with those consequences.

IMHO, MC is a complete waste of time at this juncture. I jumped in to that way too soon and it did way more harm than good. If it were me? I wouldn't even consider MC til ws had done at least 6 months of IC, gone 100% NC with AP, and had removed head from arse. Just my 0.02.

BSHusbandWI posted 7/2/2020 00:31 AM

IMHO, MC is a complete waste of time at this juncture. I jumped in to that way too soon and it did way more harm than good. If it were me? I wouldn't even consider MC til ws had done at least 6 months of IC, gone 100% NC with AP, and had removed head from arse. Just my 0.02.

I made it clear to my IC today that i need the entire puzzle completed before I can talk about our married life. If she does reach out to him and agrees to IC with him and then CC for us, I wont go unless all of that comes first.

Buffer posted 7/2/2020 01:19 AM

Strength to you, respect your request and stop watering the plants.
Buffer

JS84 posted 7/2/2020 04:15 AM

I made it clear to my IC today that i need the entire puzzle completed before I can talk about our married life. If she does reach out to him and agrees to IC with him and then CC for us, I wont go unless all of that comes first.

It's not really about whether the infidelity is addressed first or not. She's not even willing to tell you AP's name. Marriage counseling with a wayward spouse who is still in a wayward mindset and still covering things up if a waste of time and money.

I'd be surprised if she actually goes through with it in the end. She should be in IC figuring out her whys, expressing remorse, being transparent, and showing a willingness to repair the damage she's done without it having to be dragged out of her before MC should even be considered. Your wife isn't close to doing any of that.

So I have to agree about jumping the gun on MC. I'd rescind that invitation for the time being and offer her help finding an IC. But at the same time keep doing what you've been doing.

[This message edited by JS84 at 4:19 AM, July 2nd (Thursday)]

Stinger posted 7/2/2020 04:23 AM

No MC. This is not a marriage issue. The problem is within your crazy wife. She is a narcissist.

Stevesn posted 7/2/2020 04:44 AM

Was NC with the friend one of the requirements of trying to rebuild? It should be. A remorseful wayward spouse who wants to start the healing would WANT to rid her life of anyone who encouraged the affair. Trying for Reconciliation Without NC with the AP or any cheerleader of the affair will not be worth your time.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 4:46 AM, July 2nd (Thursday)]

Freeme posted 7/2/2020 06:40 AM

WW came to me tonight and asked if she should use my therapist or one she can get through her health plan.
She's offering crumbs. She promised shortly after Dday she would go to counseling.
Has she given you any transparency? Access to phone records?
I wouldn't worry about if you will be willing to take her back or not. I'd watch to see what she actually does (actions not words) and continue on with the Divorce.
This isn't an "I'll do anything to save the marriage" this is a "What can I do to slow down the process of Divorce so I can figure out what I want."

Move forward with Divorce, do a hard 180 and watch for actions not words.

The1stWife posted 7/2/2020 07:10 AM

Why is she doing the backtracking? Hmmmmm.........

She may have realized her nice life is about to change and not for the better.

The AP May be backing away b/c heís not interested in a single (vs married) woman. It then become more of a relationship in his mind and thatís too much work

She may be stalling for time to get her affairs and $ together before the D

She may be trying to blindside you by getting you to think she wants to reconcile (For whatever reason)

She wants to continue us to cheat but needs her lifestyle maintained. She doesnít want a smaller place to live etc.

Tigersrule77 posted 7/2/2020 07:49 AM

WW came to me tonight and asked if she should use my therapist or one she can get through her health plan.

Possible response - "I don't seem to have any say in whether or not you have a boyfriend, why are you asking my opinion on your counseling?"

In regards to her showing off in front of your sons, don't be afraid to call her out. "As I told you 10 minutes ago when you asked the first time, it rained yesterday and I don't think the plants need to be watered. If you feel that they do, go right ahead." If I were you, I would follow that up by letting her know she wouldn't have to worry about cooking for me as I am an adult and can take of myself and (for me) I'd be making dinner for my kids as well. If she asked what she was supposed to eat, I'd say that I didn't know what her plans were nor did I care.

BSHusbandWI posted 7/2/2020 07:51 AM

This isn't an "I'll do anything to save the marriage" this is a "What can I do to slow down the process of Divorce so I can figure out what I want."

Based on what i have observed, I think this is correct. Today is the day I get confirmation from WW about divorce mediation. My state is super simple with divorce - almost cookie cutter. around 50% of divorces are done just by the couple - with online forms. That's an option we will also discuss today. If she'll do the forms then great. If she wants to do mediation then she gets until the weekend to contact the mediator. Then I want either an initial joint appointment with the 3 of us on the books by Monday, begin working on the self-filing forms or lawyer up. I have a strong desire to NOT give our money to lawyers, so we each are in a better financial state to begin fresh. I'm not sure if that will happen.

A few of you have suggested that she isn't showing the correct actions. I agree. I outlined them in my letter to her. In one of the arguments this week, I reminded her that she has the action plan. One of the actions is IC and many of you had mentioned that she needs to do that too. It's going to take forever for her to unpack everything and I'm not sure if I can stay in limbo that long to wait to begin to put everything together.

BSHusbandWI posted 7/2/2020 08:04 AM

Tigersrule77

That's a good reply to the counselor. I wish I had thought of that.

I did call her out in front of the kid. Pretty much what you said.

In another bizarre turn of events. She called me on her way to work and asked if I could do her a favor and bring something for her to work because she forgot it at home. I discussed with WW to see if older son could grab it for her, but his friend was over. I then said, to be honest, I don't really feel like doing you any favors right now. She with a very small tinge of anger and maybe a hint of sadness or even understanding, says "Ok. Fine. Bye" She actually ended up coming back to get it and was late for work.

Later, 16yo son, asked why I didn't just take it to her. I was honest - explained everything above and said that I've been trying not to argue with Mom, but she has picked 4 arguments with me today. I'm not doing favors for her right now. He doesn't like it. I'm sure he'd prefer to have us not arguing or discussing divorce and these kind of interactions between WW and I just throw that in his face and stir up all kinds of emotion - especially sadness. We've both discussed counseling for the boys. I think I'm going to bring it up again today, so he can begin sorting everything out. I feel so bad for them. Worse would be me setting the example that a man should accept this or be complacent and not respect himself enough to stand up for himself and what is right.

[This message edited by BSHusbandWI at 8:05 AM, July 2nd (Thursday)]

HellFire posted 7/2/2020 08:24 AM

In regards, to what you tell your children, you tell them the truth. This is not about you trying to get your children to hate their mother. This is about you keeping your integrity, and being a good dad. The kids are old enough to know what's going on. They have to have heard some of the arguments. And considering the way your wife has handled things so far, you can bet she has said some things to them. She may even have told them you are the one with the girlfriend. You sit them down and you tell them the truth. You don't need to give them the dirty details, but they do need to have the basic truth so they can understand what is going on. Their mother has a boyfriend. You refuse to be married to a woman who has a boyfriend. That's the truth. They need to know that they have one parent they can trust. They need to know, they have one parent who will tell them the truth, no matter how hard, and painful it is. You will have to be that parent. Do not allow your wife's bullshit, to turn you into a liar when it comes to your children.

smolderingdark posted 7/2/2020 09:20 AM

Unfortunate about the VAR and the law in your area. I apologize in advance if the following seems harsh or offensive.

Your wayward wife's behavior comes off as narcissistic. I was married to such a woman. You are wasting your time giving her any serious consideration for reconciliation. What you define as reconciliation is vastly different from her definition. You cannot understand why she would be considering MC and trying to R especially after what she said about you on the VAR. It is all about who is in control. You are nothing but a possession to her. The same for your sons. Reconciliation will be a means for her to delay the end of the marriage until she is ready to leave or until she gets you back under "control." Reconciliation for her means unless it is on her terms with no compromise or consideration for you, your feelings or the harm she has done to you. If there is to be any admission of wrong doing or fault, you must own the problems regardless of the fact she is the source of both. If you intent to follow through with divorce she will fight it every step of the way and cry she is a victim to anyone that will listen, that it was all your fault. You will truly learn who you have been married to once the divorce is under way.

You can attempt to placate your wife (ie watering the plants) but that will not keep her agreeable. She will not settle down until you capitulate and submit completely. What do I mean? Lose your back bone and meekly accept that she is the boss and you have no say but hers. That she if free to do as she pleases with whomever she pleases with out any complaint from you. That you are wrong and she is right every time. Your wayward wife will not accept any other outcome. Not even on her death bed. Any favors or requests you have had from her recently are intended to confirm the extent of her influence/control over you or the lack of it. Any interest on her part for reconciliation will be an opportunity for her to delay proceedings or to test her grip over you.

How to deal with the boys. Tell them the truth unfiltered. You want to shield them from all this nonsense. That is natural. You do not want the relationship with their mother damaged. Your wife will make this unavoidable. She does not care who she hurts. She will do anything to turn them against you. It all comes down to who is going to win. Your wife will not spare your sons from damage if it means getting get her way. If you have not destroyed the VAR recording of her cursing you, play it back for your boys to show them mom's true character. If you choose to shield them from her true nature only you and your sons will bear the cost. She does not care so long as she gets her way.

You would like to hear it all, her actions, her thoughts,etc. You will never get the full truth from her. What you can expect you have already had, anger, hate, blame shifting and lies. If you would like closure you will have to find that on your own as well. If you want to proceed with the divorce you will have to be the driving force behind it. If anything is left to her she will delay and drag her heels because the choice to divorce was not hers but yours.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 2:00 PM, July 2nd (Thursday)]

DIFM posted 7/2/2020 09:35 AM

For those of you that have a need to know most every detail like I do... Was learning all of that (the timeline, her actions, his actions, her thoughts while she made each decision and act, what they did together, what lies she told to keep it secret) worth the pain of hearing it all?

The reason some find this so essential is not for the sake of the details in the details, it is because the cheater has often lied so much that, in search of finding some opportunity for truth telling, all that is left to not lie about is whatever is is that has not yet been said. Most of the time, all that is left are the untold details.

If you need them, you need them. But if she is typical of most cheaters that lie, her telling you about the details will also be filtered through lies and obfuscation and the hope in truth about the details will fell like just more lies.

BSHusbandWI posted 7/2/2020 10:45 AM

BTW... there are a few of you that during the course of this dialog that I wanted to PM, but I was not able to initiate that.

How do I do that?

fareast posted 7/2/2020 11:07 AM

You need at least 50 posts to use p.m.ís.

BSHusbandWI posted 7/2/2020 11:08 AM

well, this makes 44. Getting close.

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