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TheGuy123 posted 6/24/2020 12:21 PM

Go ahead and take the cash out and get the VAR.
If you old lady ask about the money tell her you bought some flavored lubes, restraints, and lingerie for your girl friend.

Seriously...just tell her you you went out with a friend for food and drinks or you went to the shooting range or played golf.

Or wipe down your car battery and tell her you had to buy a new car battery...will she even know what to look for. Or tell her you got your brakes done.
Tell your old lady a friend helped you work on your car and you gave him cash for his time.

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 12:28 PM, June 24th (Wednesday)]

Westway posted 6/24/2020 12:26 PM

BSHusbandWI, have you read up on The 180?

HouseOfPlane posted 6/24/2020 12:57 PM

If you have an old smartphone sitting around through the regular phone upgrade process, they make great VARs and GPS trackers.

steadychevy posted 6/24/2020 13:21 PM

Respectfully, Bigger, they do. Generalized statements are harmful. Those that don't need answers to unanswered questions are fine with the advice. Those of us who need more answers (and there are many of us) need more answers.

I needed many more answers from my WW than I got. More unanswered than answered. She made no attempt to get the answers from the ICR and IDK. It wasn't worth the effort for her. That was one of the reasons that we separated and am now D.

Like Ellie said, I'm divorced and getting those answers now wouldn't make one bit of difference. Still, I'm one that needed to know it all, as some are. Some of the unknowns come back and roost every once in a while. They don't plague me but they are not gone.

Just because you've decided to divorce doesn't mean you can just wipe your mind clean. Even if you've had considerable IC like I have. There are members here who have been "healed" for years and years who still trigger occasionally.

nekonamida posted 6/24/2020 13:21 PM

You could also buy a $50 prepaid credit card and have a VAR delivered to your work or a friend's house if you can't find a store near you selling them. If she asks, say it was for a coworker's birthday or retirement.

Buster123 posted 6/24/2020 13:45 PM

Not all BS's are created equal, some want to know ALL the details, sexual positions, AP's favorite restaurant, etc., others simply don't, regardless of their decision to R or D. If you need to know you need to know and let me tell you, you're NOT alone by a long shot, if you could spend a few hundred bucks to find out who the OM is an make sure he is not your present or future dentist, your "friend", relative, insurance agent, etc., then go ahead, like I said, I would like many others, that doesn't prevent you for filing for D, the two actions are not mutually exclusive, you can always "chew gum and walk at the same time".

For the VAR or GPS tracker, you can pick one up at Walmart and pay cash for it or order one online with a prepaid/gift card, the good ones recommended here start at about 50 bucks, as for the PI, borrow a friends phone, get a burner phone yourself, they are cheap and you can pay cash for them at Walmart or your favorite electronics store, or better download a free app like Whatsapp that allows you to make phone calls and texts and won't even register in your phone bill to communicate with the PI that way.

smolderingdark posted 6/24/2020 13:48 PM

BSHusbandWI

You do not wish to retell of another incident. Likely there are many more that you are unaware of. Hence the years of the deadbedroom.

If you are looking to save money then forget about learning who the other man is. If you are set on divorce then the other man no longer matters unless you live in a state where it can be used to your advantage in the divorce proceedings.

Use her affair fog and press forward with the divorce.

VAR and your wife learning about the purchase. Withdraw cash and buy it at the store. If she asks about the money, you took yourself out for a nice dinner and a movie.

Cheaters are always bold when they have a loyal spouse to fall back on at home. Not to be an insensitive ass but married women in their 50s with teenagers aren't necissarily in demand when the are younger single women floating about. Her AP is having a blast I'm sure while you remain in the picture. What do you think will happen when you bow out? That other fool isn't going to play house with your wife if you leave, he's not going to step up to replace you, he will drop her like a hot rock.

Expose your wife's affair to your kids and your family. The sooner the better because if you chose to let her take the intiative she will do her best to spin the narrative about your departure/divorce. She will do her best to turn your kids against you. If she remains unaware of your intent to divorce she will figure it out soon enough. Don't wait too long.

EllieKMAS posted 6/24/2020 13:59 PM

He has kids, one of which is still a minor. What if posom has a criminal record? Or is a registered sex offender? Or was convicted of skinning puppies?

I get the psychological concept of 'om doesn't matter' but unfortunately he does now thanks to ww. If I had children with my x you can bet your ass I would know everything I could about who he was choosing to introduce into their life. Color me nosy, but where kids are concerned it is damn well a parent's business. And I wouldn't be waiting around for it to trickle out 'eventually'.

Again, if a new BS needs or wants to know, then they should gather any info they want and shouldn't have people telling them what does or does not matter. Just my 0.02.

Buster123 posted 6/24/2020 14:01 PM

The fact is you don't know who the OM is, it could be a "friend", a relative, your dentist, your doctor, your lawyer, your financial advisor, anyone.

I have read many threads here on SI where the BS has even been introduced to the AP, has been a "friend" for years, inlaws, doctors, co-workers, etc., I don't know about you but I would like to know who the OM is to make sure he's NOT part of my life anymore and/or profits from me anymore, now or in the future, plus I'm the type of person that need as much info as possible for the things that affect my life (past, present and future), others don't, if you are in my category, that's fine too and I guarantee you you're not alone.

BSHusbandWI posted 6/24/2020 14:13 PM

So, I believe I'm a level-headed, and educated person. I know I'm in a bit of a bad place right now and that can affect my judgement.

However, I'm reading all of these posts. Taking them in and coming to my own conclusions and what works for me.

If I agree with something I might say something. If I don't, I'm likely to take it in and file it away for consideration.

I don't say this to bring more (and certainly not less) discussion and input/advice. I still want everyone's $0.02 and then I'll update you all as I move forward.

I'm very thankful for the advice so far.

One interesting thing that I mentioned earlier are the attempts by WW to get me to treat her more warmly... In the past 30 hours or so... Offering to get me deodorant because knew i was out (i was and then i got it for myself), offering to get me a coffee from starbucks (which she did), buying me a broccoli salad I like (which I did not eat), Asking me what kind of brats I want and how I would like a roast cooked that we had in the fridge (I told her I did not care - didn't look her in the eye -she got mad and said I didn't need to act like that. I'm just not engaging with her in a manner that is warm at all. That honestly is a good amount of revenge to watch her squirm, because I'm not acting like a victim any longer.

I'm getting a VAR later today/tonight.

heartbroken_kk posted 6/24/2020 14:18 PM

I'm not a fan of lying as a strategy for the BS:

If you old lady ask about the money tell her you bought some flavored lubes, restraints, and lingerie for your girl friend.
Seriously...just tell her you you went out with a friend for food and drinks or you went to the shooting range or played golf.

Or wipe down your car battery and tell her you had to buy a new car battery...will she even know what to look for. Or tell her you got your brakes done.
Tell your old lady a friend helped you work on your car and you gave him cash for his time.

I don't recommend this. In fact I recommend that to the extent that you can, you avoid making false statements, as it will help you maintain your integrity and sense of self and help you know for certain that you are taking the high road.

You can figure out how to say or not say things so that you are not lying. You can start by informing her that you are no longer telling her what you are doing, what you are thinking, where you are going, what your plans are or anything else. Your business is now YOURS and she no longer has a right to any information at all.

Practice these statements instead:

It's none of your business.
I don't have to tell you that.
I'm not discussing that with you.

BSHusbandWI posted 6/24/2020 14:29 PM

TheGuy and HeartBroken...

I read the part about spending the cash on lube, restraints etc. on my gf as a good, bighearted joke. (thanks for that - it helps to laugh).

As far as the lying. I think that's right to tell the truth as much as possible.

I also like the three phrases:

It's none of your business.
I don't have to tell you that.
I'm not discussing that with you.

And buster...

I have read many threads here on SI where the BS has even been introduced to the AP, has been a "friend" for years, inlaws, doctors, co-workers, etc., I don't know about you but I would like to know who the OM is to make sure he's NOT part of my life anymore and/or profits from me anymore, now or in the future

Thank you for that - I hadn't thought that far ahead. I do have active thoughts and day dreams of beating the shit out of him with a baseball bat, dragging him to his wife, telling her and having me and her aggressively kick him in the nuts for a good while. That's not something that I am going to do, but boy that would be satisfying.

beenthereinco posted 6/24/2020 14:33 PM

However, I'm reading all of these posts. Taking them in and coming to my own conclusions and what works for me.

That's healthy. You'll get a lot of conflicting advice here but even in this instance where the conflicting advice is around pushing now to learn who the OM is or wait and it will probably fall in your lap you are talking about degrees. You are already going down the right path of getting out of infidelity so that is the positive factor.

I would add though that in my post I said wait and you will find out and then tell his wife. (OBS). You responded back, maybe not to that but to something else, about not exposing as revenge. I don't advocate revenge. I tell you to tell the OBS not as revenge but because it is the right thing to do. You seem like a good person for as much as someone can tell over the Internet. This is the right thing to do. A good person does the right thing. Ergo tell the OBS when you find out who she is. She deserves to know what is going on in her life. She deserves to know the cavalier way that her WH treats her health. She deserves to know, just like you do, the reality of the marriage that she is a part of. This is not to punish your WW or the POSOM. This is for your own soul. You do the right thing. It is a kindness to her that you would want someone to do for you. Do it with kindness. Respect whatever she wants to do with the information, that's not for you to decide what is appropriate for her any more than any of us to decide for you, and then know you did the right thing.

tushnurse posted 6/24/2020 15:18 PM

BSHWI - Dude - she is following the play book to a "T" .

First it was all your fault, then she realizes that you aren't going to tolerate her BS and now she is love bombing with acts of kindness.

If you are going to D regardless then I would encourage you to continue w/ the 180. If you are trying to keep her on your good side until you get work, then you have to walk that fine line, that it seems you are.

You are doing exceptionally well considering how recently you have found out. Get that attorney consult done, that will help you make some informed choices.

I'm a bit of a old timer here, and as some will say they are pro R, or pro D, I am fall into Biggers camp - I'm Pro getting out of infidelity. I am pro making the BS the priority for the BS. To stop being abused and lied to, and if that isn't stopping at least saving yourself from the pain and hurt.

I agree with continuing therapy for yourself. I would not worry about the PI at this point. If in 30 days your future is much clearer then you probably can make a much more sound decision on spending limited resources in a way that is helpful and meaningful to you.

Lalagirl posted 6/24/2020 15:25 PM

First it was all your fault, then she realizes that you aren't going to tolerate her BS and now she is love bombing with acts of kindness.

^^^^THIS.

She's in "oh shit" mode.

Good.

It's your turn to have the upper hand.

Keep up that 180.

paboy posted 6/24/2020 15:26 PM

There are some sage advice that are continually circulated through 'Just found out'.

Do not do the PICK ME dance. It never works.

Employ the '180' quickly. It allows you emotional distance to think more quickly.

Inform the other betrayed spouse, a must. It gives the other spouse the grace to know what is occurring within there own lives.

Be prepared to lose your marriage to save it. In most cases divorce should be your first option, then you work back from there. In your instance, file. She needs a wake up call, and a measure of consequences. Filing puts you in the drivers seat. You can always withdraw if you feel it appropriate.

Affairs thrive in the dark. Expose it. It does not look as if its a work place affair so there should not be a kick back from her employment.

If she is serious in reconciling, nothing is kept secret, i.e. phones, lap tops etc.

Many have stated that they wish they would have acted quicker. It would have stopped a lot of hurt along the way.

MickeyBill2016 posted 6/24/2020 16:29 PM

FWIW I was introduced to the OM AP before I knew there was an affair.
I had stopped by to drop something off for her and was dressed as a shlub self employed guy on day off and she was at an off site meeting (the schools new building) with the OM, his group, her bosses and others all dressed in fancy business clothes.

I don't know if it was intentional...but it showed the OM me on a day off, even though I made more money than she did I looked like a hobo.

TheGuy123 posted 6/24/2020 18:59 PM

I was never introduced to OM...I introduced OM to FWW.
YES.. a double betrayal with good friend and old lady!
This "good friend" was a snake and he was just in WW rotation of OM's. I put the pieces together after d-day. WW would always say " he is not that good of friend".

The fact is WW had alot of OM's and how can I walk down the street not knowing who is who when it comes to all the ONS and short affairs WW was having. What if it's not some Tinder guy but the homeless guy you give your spear change to at the 7-11?

My point here is you must spend the dough and make the effort to find your old lady's OM!

What sucked the most was on d day I opened up to "good friend" about some convict WW met at a bar and was banging for a few months.

A few days after d-day WW gave me a timeline going back 7 years with 10 OM's and "good friend" was in that time line. The one thing WW was honest about was the "good friend" was indeed NOT THAT GOOD OF FRIEND!!! It actually tore my old lady up that I was confiding with "good friend" about her infidelity/whoring around.

At the end of the day what if your old lady was screwing a relative, your co worker, or even a business partner....YOU HAVE TO FIND OUT WHO THIS GUY IS! She ain't going to tell you. Your old lady doesn't respect you enough (sorry).

After what I went through I guess you would be lucky if it was just some strange she picked up who lives out of town. Either way get tested.

Good luck man, and what little answers you get I hope the question of who the OM is gets answered. Not only for your own peace of mind but also to do the right thing and exposing this to a women who has a right to know their SO is a POS.

Peace.


[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 7:14 PM, June 24th (Wednesday)]

ShutterHappy posted 6/24/2020 19:09 PM

I go from sad, to feeling worthless, to angry all very fast. I'm working hard to only show my distance, anger and coldness to WW.

This is perfectly normal. It is VERY important that you donít take any blame. If it helps, imagine that you were the cheater... doing all that she did, doing sexcapade with someone else at 2PM and be all smiles to your spouse at 3PM. I donít know about you, but I canít imagine doing something like that. Yet this is who your WW is.

I like the way you answered your WW. Itís clear you WW is not R at this point.

She told you that you shouldnít have to police her because she wants you to say: "itís ok you donít have too". She wants the safety of a husband at home and a fantasy life on the side.

So talk to a lawyer. Is it better to expose or not? Talk to a lawyer. You should probably cancel joint credit cards and joint account but... talk to a lawyer. Find out what is in your best interest.

Because you are divorcing, what your WW does or say doesnít matter anymore. She can date 10 married men if she wishes so. Not your problem.

Be focused on getting you out of infidelity. Stay calm but firm. Yelling people are out of control. But YOU are in control.

If she wants to talk about broccoli, tell her you have no interest talking to her unless itís about the kids.

Thereís no magic solution to infidelity, there are just "less bad ones". What is the less bad solution for you right now is to detach from this toxic person and plan a life without her.

If she has an epiphany , let us know andweíll have tons of advice on whatís needed for R.

Stay calm, resolute and post often, you have obviously been heard

BSHusbandWI posted 6/24/2020 23:50 PM

I put the VAR in the car tonight as she went off to work this evening.

I don't expect to learn anything. And honestly, I'm just hoping to hear his name as it's painfully obvious that she's still either in contact (maybe meeting) or asked for some cool off time. Otherwise she would have proven to me that she actually blocked him and was NC with him. No proof means that she has done neither. I'm not stupid and wont be lied to (well, she can lie, but I wont fall for it).

To me the weird part of the VAR is that I honestly don't want to catch her. I already did, I'm just hoping I can get a first name out of it. I think it's unlikely that I would get a first and last name.

I'm also super nervous that the velcro might not hold and it could fly out from under the seat. If that happens, I'm not sure what to say to her if she finds the VAR.

We shall wait and see. I'm trying to plan an evening out of town with friends on friday. That would be her best chance to get together with him.

We shall see. Talking to lawyers and PIs tomorrow to plot a course of action.

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