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Coming out of the darkness

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Midlyfewife posted 7/3/2020 19:53 PM

Hi AntiHero-
I feel like I am defensive all the time. Always trying to reassure BH that the affair is over and i am strictly sticking to the NC agreement. No doubt this shit is hard, and it sucks. I have never felt so fucked up in my life. At least I am not alone.

Not looking for a golden ticket out, in fact trying to make it work. The problem is that I probably have not been emotional enough. I have often held my tongue and not blown up in a fit of my own anger and sadness. What right do i have to be mad? He didn't do this to me. I think at first I worried about him reading my posts or people on his thread reading it, but they don't need me to be here to know my story; they already know it.
For me, replying to everyone that posts is not for approval, it is acknowledging that they have taken the time to read and share. Still have a long way to go in the learning and recovery department. Can't sugarcoat or rug sweep; have to face the harsh reality everyday. Trying to take one day at a time and be his biggest cheerleader.

Thank you for the reading recommendation. I guess I thought the shock had worn off. I definitely need to work on the patience, the problem is I feel less engaged when I am patient, like I am detaching. Guess that is when I need to stop trying to pick him up off the floor and get down on the floor with him...

AntiHero posted 7/4/2020 03:49 AM

Is the muted anger and defensiveness about the affair? Curious what youíre biting your tongue over.

I do believe that youíre going to face some of the greatest challenges of your life, maybe with incredibly conflicting emotions. And I apologize for asking questions that seem irrelevant or presumptuous. Perhaps this is not the right time in your case, but Iím a huge believer of understanding yourself larger than the affair so that you can actually come back to it to see the impact.

There are plenty of people here that will give you sound advice on what recovery looks like. My thoughts are maybe for later down the road, so Iíll keep most of them to myself for now.

The one thing I want to respond to, though, is: youíre absolutely allowed to have feelings. What you do with them is up to you. But for me, itís an important distinction to make because (and this is over simplifying) it can send a person down a deep hole of shame. And I think itís harder to own what you did when shame is holding you back.

Midlyfewife posted 7/5/2020 17:08 PM

I think the anger is the result of my frustration with myself. I beat myself up not only about the affair but the way I handled it when my H confronted me. All the things that cannot be changed. Knowing that I caused this pain for him usually puts me in a position to ignore my feelings and focusing only on him, instead of sharing the pain with him. In putting myself first for so long, i am hyper focused on his emotions. I am reframing my ideas, and this may be way off base because it seems to put me first again.I have to fix me first, I have to be a safe person for him. Then help him heal, and ultimately try to heal together.

I definitely agree I am allowed to have my own feelings, and often do. The problem is I don't always express them in the most appropriate or productive ways. Which is the current topic of discussion with my IC. I continue to say one day at a time, and I think today I really feel that way. I no longer feel like I am trying to catch the ocean in a bucket.

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