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lack of respect long-term

GuiltAndShame posted 5/23/2020 07:10 AM

Naturally, our shitty terrible hurtful selfish cheating caused our betrayed spouses to lose all respect for us.

Recently, my BS and I were talking about our prospects long-term, and she asked a very good question.

If she never ever respects me again, will we be happy together, happy with that type of relationship? Can we have a good relationship long-term without respect?

Your thoughts?

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 5/23/2020 08:51 AM

My question is would either of you want to be in a relationship that didnít include respect for each other? Can you love someone you do not respect?

WSís have already demonstrated a lack of respect towards our spouses. Not the other way around. In order to gain respect of our BS, it is up to us to show a respect of them and of ourselves. The only way to do that is to do the work necessary to become a safe spouse and make healthy changes in your life.

I wouldnít want to stay with my husband if he were never able to respect me. That isnít fair to either one of us. He deserves to be able to be with someone he can respect and love. Why would either of us want to be in a relationship where that never comes back?

My husband has told me that he has respect for the work that I have put into myself and our marriage. I also have mad respect for him to have the strength to reconcile with me. That is a huge stepping stone to move forward and develop a mature, loving, and respectful marriage.

On DDay my husband said that he didnít want to be with someone that didnít love him. Love and respect go hand in hand. You could add that he shouldnít stay with someone he doesnít love, as well.

Doing the work to find love and respect for yourself will allow yourself to let go of the outcome. Wanting one outcome is different than having an understanding of another.

GuiltAndShame posted 5/23/2020 08:55 AM

Thank you, WalkinOnEggshelz!

Zugzwang posted 5/23/2020 09:10 AM

I would say no. Have you changed? Done what you can to make some amends?

We had a long conversation about this 5 years ago before we moved and bought our house. My wife respects me because I choose to work and change. She sees that I took the hard road and stuck to it. She respects that I became a better man. That in turns benefits our family and our children. The passion is gone. My wife doesn't want to jump my bones or anything. She loves me and treats me in a loving way. The actions of a teenager that I took for granted are gone. I can tell the difference and I am alright with that. I chose to lose that. Don't get me wrong. I miss it and would love to have it back, yet I understand why that innocence is gone. It just doesn't mean as much to me as it used to. We have a stronger quieter love. The MC said it is a mature love on the next level of committed relationships.

JBWD posted 5/23/2020 14:40 PM

Canít imagine that being rewarding in any capacity.

I think this is the crux of the conflict most BPs struggle with here- Trying to separate the knowledge of the lack of respect with what they invested, and lost.

This is also where our leap of faith is most daunting, I believe. Whatever the evolution of respect, emotional depth, etc is moving forward from DDay, BPs donít know what thatís going to look like. And I think one of the most catastrophic eventualities for them is to discover that years down the line they were working and working and it just wonít evolve. That pressure must be terrifying. But whenever the no-go surfaces, itís incumbent upon us to honor it.

GuiltAndShame posted 5/23/2020 17:13 PM

Thank you Zugzwang and JBWD!

Buck posted 5/25/2020 12:12 PM

This is my opinion, and it might differ a bit because I am a MH.

I think there are different types of respect.

For instance, there's the basic human decency type of respect for others, being polite and kind to each other regardless of station. Then there's showing respect, giving a pregnant woman a seat on a train, taking your hat off when going inside, looking someone in the eye and acknowledging them as you pass, etc. Respecting someone's feelings. Also, respecting someone else's right to privacy. I think respecting other folks' property falls in this category too. This type of respect should be freely given to virtually everyone.

Then there's the admiration type of respect. The deep appreciation of someone's abilities, character, or achievements. A person has to earn this type of respect through demonstrated actions over and over. It has varying levels too. I can respect an athlete's ability to hit a 100mph fastball but think he's a shitty human being. It depends on me where I place the weight of my respect. Meaning, does the admirable ability outweigh the character deficit in the grand scheme of how I feel about the person? This type of respect can be lost in an instant too. Think of Bill Cosby.

I think the first definitely should be in your relationship. I think the other is going to be a struggle to recover and it's going to be dependent upon your BS no matter what you do to "earn" it back. It's sort of absurd to think that the level of respect your BS is going to have for you is equivalent too what it could have been if there wasn't an emotional and\or sexual betrayal. All of the lies, manipulation, gaslighting, trickle truth, rejection, and just in general shitty-ness that goes along with the A kills respect. The best you can hope for is to get back the basic human respect and maybe some respect for the work you're doing. After many years, the admiration respect may come back too. That depends a lot on what you do and your BS.

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