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Time of crisis means WS needs to step it up even more for their BS

wantstorepair posted 5/13/2020 20:14 PM

Edit: title should have read, "Time of crisis means WS needs to step it up even more for their BS"

So it has been a while since I have posted or read, and I certainly lost perspective on the need to CONSTANTLY acknowledge who I am and what my BW is going through because of me.

The last 60 or so days of quarantine we came back together to circle the wagons so to speak and were living back in the same house full time. Fighting stress, sickness, fatigue, juggling the rapidly changing situation with kids schools...we went internal and focused on getting through this. Through it all I thought (had myself convinced) that I was doing the right things to serve my betrayed family and take care of them the best I could. My failure was neglecting her and the reality that her pain, my betrayal, the mistrust, the anger, the pain, then depression, the uncertainty caused by me and my affairs were still there and had not disappeared because we were in pandemic crisis mode.

So of course it came to a head as she watched me completely stop addressing the real problems and issues, and then as time went on, settle back into a comfortable pattern of neglecting her and running away from who I am and what what is still happening to her. Completely neglecting that she had just spent 60 days with her abuser who never addressed her feelings or the issue that still looms over everything, always. I let her down and hurt her worse by not appreciating and addressing her and the issues that are still there.

Then to cap it all off, I started not respecting her rules and requirements for me being there and when called on it I got defensive, angry, argumentative and enraged. Needless to say, COVID or not, we are not still living together and the pain she has now is worse than before.

What should have happened?
- Every day addressed her pain and stress and struggle at being forced to live with her abuser
- not been ever content with the minimum, regardless of the circumstances or how I was feeling.
- been here on this forum every day looking in the mirror - even more so because my regular therapy had been canceled.
- never stopped focusing on her and her pain
- acknowledged every day that I was the virus that has hurt her more than this ever could.

The regret I feel for hurting her yet again cannot be put into words, and she is suffering more now because of me making it worse through this difficult time on top of the decades of betrayal. I am so sorry for hurting her and her kindness and generosity and for not changing for her and for them. This or any other crisis does not replace, minimize, or set aside what the BS is feeling and going through...it makes it worse and they need the WS to step it up even more...

She is suffering more because I didn't.

[This message edited by wantstorepair at 8:16 PM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

Zugzwang posted 5/14/2020 10:09 AM

Are you guys still divorcing?

wantstorepair posted 5/14/2020 18:43 PM

It is the absolute last thing in the world I want to happen, but i think yes. I am not good for her; mentally, physically, emotionally, and am not changing and only keep hurting her. I am at a loss right now. And have come back to read and relate, and try again to make changes for the better in myself, but every time I talk about together with her I am told I am delusional, and I have no counter to that; surely not actions that show her and help her believe otherwise.

forgettableDad posted 5/19/2020 03:16 AM

I disagree.
In times of crisis we rise to help those we love. And those in need. And it doesn't matter whether you've cheated or whether you've been cheated on.

Wallowing in being a "virus" or an "abuser" is not stepping up. In my opinion it's a way to self-pity and definitely unhelpful. Moving forwards in healing means acknowledging your actions, taking responsibility and letting go. Otherwise I don't think it's possible to develop further.

Again, for me, every time I've acted because I'm an "abuser" is an act of guilt and not an act of genuine love (either towards myself and my wife).

ashesofkali posted 5/21/2020 22:13 PM

I am not good for her; mentally, physically, emotionally, and am not changing and only keep hurting her.

Yup. Sounds like that's true. Do the right thing for her now: Give her whatever she wants and then disappear from her life completely, so she can get on without you.

wantstorepair posted 6/1/2020 21:22 PM

Forgttabledad, apologize if this came off as wallowing. That was not the intent, but instead trying to acknowledge what I was doing wrong. Trying to do and be good for goodness sake, not with an agenda or because i am an abuser and liar, but because it is right and the the way to be. I have not given upon me, and believe that change for the better is possible, but I canít do it, nor can anything be made up to and for her, if I keep being complacent.

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