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The work never goes away

godheals posted 5/13/2020 17:38 PM

Just wanted to remind everyone that the work never ends. No matter how far you are on the journey. A few weeks, a few months a few years and so on. Even when you happily R and have a better M itís still there and you still need to do the work.


I went to leave to go clean at a very part time job. On my way I noticed a store had finally opened up and I wanted to stop by fast and look around. I forgot my phone and by the time I got back I had 5 miss calls from my H. I called him and he asked me where I was because he stopped at the job and didnít see my car. I ended up just right across the street. I told him what had happen. He wanted me to drop off the checkbook fast before I went to go clean. When I got home he said his head was in a bad spot and brought back bad thoughts. The kids were all over him and he wanted me to get that done so I could get back.

I text him saying I am so sorry honey. Didnít mean to freak you out. I will do better with no forgetting my phone. Sorry you had to relive that in your mind. Love you you see you soon.

He text me back telling me donít be sorry something that carries with me hopefully it will go away

I said back. I am sorry and itís my fault for what I did to you. And itís ok it still carries with you and I donít expect it to go away. Love you.

H says back to me thanks for being the best to me.

I said back no thanks for being the best to me.

Remember everyone no matter how far you come you will always have to do the work. It will always be there. My H and I are happier then we even been for a very long time but itís always going to be there. We have not had something like this happen for a while but I know now not think why is he over this? I just remember to think this is my fault and I need to do whatever it takes to make he feel safe again. Almost brought me to tears on how far we have come with this journey.

Thanks for listening!!

MrCleanSlate posted 5/13/2020 22:19 PM

Last September I went to my friends to catch the season opener of our hockey team. When I got there I forgot my cellphone in my jacket and it was on vibrate - so I missed my BW's calls. She then called my friend thinking the worst.

Such a small thing was a huge trigger 4 years after d-day.

So I can totally relate.

That incident led me back here. I knew I had work to do still.

Trust can be so conditional and fleeting. We need to work doubly hard to maintain what little trust we have earned back.

Sounds like you handled it the best you could.

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 10:21 PM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

thatbpguy posted 5/14/2020 10:02 AM

godheals, a very nice and thoughtful post. It's those little things that can send us bs's spiraling.

Zugzwang posted 5/14/2020 10:06 AM

I would say the hardest thing is that you have to work at being mindful. I hope at some point it becomes effortless and natural like it seems to for my wife.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 5/14/2020 11:30 AM

Thank you for sharing .

pinkpggy posted 5/14/2020 12:12 PM

I've been having a lot of these moments lately. I will say 3 years later I have slipped up and gotten less mindful of my actions. More cell phone use, less talk of my affair, less reaffirming to my WH. We talked about it and I apologized. Its hard to just want to move forward so much you forget how these things to BS are still so impactful.

fooled13years posted 5/14/2020 12:35 PM

godheals,

Just wanted to remind everyone that the work never ends. No matter how far you are on the journey. A few weeks, a few months a few years and so on

This is a great reminder to everyone who wants their relationship to be the best it can be whether previous infidelity is involved or not.

godheals posted 5/14/2020 13:37 PM

Someone once told me M is not what you can get out it...itís about what you can give to it. I think people forget that.

A few weeks I seen this couple driving down the road that I once knew but forgot they lived in the same small town as me now. I was able to track them down and go see them. After almost 60 years of M I could see how and why they made it this long. The guy told me he loved her more then he loved himself and would do anything for her. He said he knows she felt the same way because she also shows that. Wow!!! They always put the other person first and loved each other more then themselves.

The work never ends. Even after 60 years....

MrCleanSlate posted 5/14/2020 15:16 PM

Infidelity or not a lot of couples forget about being a couple.

I wish it didn't take me having an A to force me to start to work on myself and my M. I suppose some of us, BS and WS, who R really do understand how important it is to continually work on our M. It is special gift our betrayed partners gave us.

You know earlier today my BW and I were joking about spending all the time together at home and reflecting on my recent nose dive into Covid induced depression and my BW said I was the poster boy for what miserable looks like when I am in 'the mood'. We were able to joke about it all because she called me out on the rabbit hole I was starting to go down and I really struggled to change direction. That is real growth for both of us. Communicating, being honest with each other. Not being defensive.

Anyway, sorry to ramble on.

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