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Porn and Infidelity - Is there a link?

Voorhees5 posted 4/23/2020 13:16 PM

Has or does anyone have any information or opinion on if porn has any correlation to infidelity?

If you are a wayward, do you watch porn?

If so, does your partner know?

If yes, how do they feel about it?

Does your partner know you masturbate to porn/thoughts of sex with others?

Looking to start the discussion and interested in hearing honest feedback. Thank you.

JBWD posted 4/23/2020 16:10 PM

The link as I have validated it based on my understanding. This is not clinical but experiential.

1) The foundation of my cheating tendencies was a flawed connection of physical pleasure with fulfilling emotional/spiritual connections. My early “discovery”/exposure to porn cemented this for me.

2) As I matured in age I lacked the ability to recognize this flaw. Sexual relationships were likely average in timing for me- First partner was freshman year of college. I didn’t pursue casual sex, and believed I was doing the right thing by only having sex with “meaningful partners.”

While I still believe that was the right way to do things, I think I may have used a perceived depth as a criteria for sex- This leading myself into more serious relationships that might not have occurred without an internal “physical pressure.”

3) BW is my 4th sexual partner. Throughout our 13 years of marriage there were times where a normal variation in desire by her would lead me to a panicked sense of loneliness. This combined with periods of extended absence led to increased porn and masturbation when we would have to spend time apart.

Porn was a means to medicate potential emotional distress with a loaded (and flawed) thought pattern- That sex=love.

So why it was destructive-
I turned sex into a CONDITION for love as opposed to a manifestation OF love. Selfish tendencies led me to interpret normal life as catastrophic changes in what was a wonderful relationship. Porn specifically, in its one-sided nature, COMPLETELY UNDERMINES the joyful act of giving- In this case physically. Masturbation becomes an act of TAKING. That taking can very easily be extrapolated to emotional taking as well. Consequently, I reinforced my already flawed victimizing patterns by trying to manage them with sexual pleasure. If BW wouldn’t “give” I would take from somewhere else- Normally porn until it escalated.

I don’t know if a healthy person can approach porn in a healthy manner- I tend to believe not.

If you’re asking for yourself to understand if you need to stop using porn IOT R, I don’t see how you can do anything but save sex for giving to your BW if she desires. Anything outside of your faithfulness to her becomes a selfish “taking” act.

Darkness Falls posted 4/23/2020 16:21 PM

If you are a wayward, do you watch porn?

Infrequently.

If so, does your partner know?

I don’t think so, but I don’t know for sure.

If yes, how do they feel about it?

No idea.

Does your partner know you masturbate to porn/thoughts of sex with others?

I don’t know, but I don’t think so. It is none of his business. We no longer have a sexual relationship but even when we still did, masturbation, fantasies etc. were and are private. I would never ask about his and I would not expect him to ask about mine.

kairos posted 4/23/2020 16:59 PM

Everything JBWD said and then some. I'm sure there's a very small group of people who can integrate occasional porn into their love life without a negative impact, but I think one of the biggest lies told to people is that porn is somehow a 'nice' add-on to an otherwise vanilla sex life. You want to have hot, engaging sex? Get emotionally intimate with your partner. Dive into vulnerability. Have a deep emotional connection with your partner and I suspect porn will quite literally become useless. Spend a night having deep conversations about life, about shared desires, about all of that stuff. The term 'porn' even connotes its ersatz quality. It's not real. It only dilutes the real thing.

My 2 cents.

BraveSirRobin posted 4/23/2020 17:45 PM

Guess I'm in a minority here.

Yes, I watch porn. It typically happens in short bursts, like "Oh, I'm frustrated and this isn't a good time for BH to participate in addressing that, so maybe a little extra incentive will get me there." And then my interest is piqued, so I do a few additional sessions, and at that point I've kinda seen what there is to see of the type of porn I like. I prefer the stuff that has some emotional connection/pleasure expressed between the partners and includes positions would result in female pleasure instead of just creating a good camera angle. There's not much of that out there, so I eventually get bored and don't look again until there's another circumstantial dry spell. I think BH is about the same. Once in a while, we'll watch together, and then I'll show him things I found that I liked, and vice versa. It's fun, but it's definitely not a major aspect of my sex life.

I'm definitely not arguing that it's a good choice for everyone. Like many addictive behaviors, I think it can be managed in some cases and create serious problems for others. I'm addicted to sugar; it's a lifelong struggle. I have no problem managing alcohol. I quit smoking without a backward glance, but I spend way too much time on my phone. I don't think that in my case, there's any link between porn and my wayward thought patterns.

thatwilldo posted 4/24/2020 00:36 AM

My BS and I have been watching porn together for many years. It's an enjoyable part of our sex life. We're very selective about what we watch and make sure we agree.

I don't think it's at all harmful to either of us.

foreverlabeled posted 4/24/2020 07:50 AM

I'm not an expert on this nor have I educated myself or read anything on the subject.

I will say porn is not that important to me. I have a great imagination and can set the scene (with my partner the star of my fantasy) better than any video I've ever come across. Is that any different though? Does it not also matter the frequency? If it replaces sexy time with your spouse? Do you hide it? There's more to it than porn itself.

I don't watch porn hardly ever and I cheated. What I do find interesting is that the times I do watch it, are times that I've felt um.. idk... like hypersexual.

I'm not a sex addict but, those who are, I fell like if you are excessively watching porn its probably your addiction and like many who are addicts they chase a bigger better buzz. So, why wouldn't it lead to real life encounters? I think for some the correlation is there.

For most? Probably not.

If so, does your partner know?

If yes, how do they feel about it?

I may not have told him every single time, like hey I masturbated today! But, yes he knew, and he didn't mind. He enjoyed his solo sessions too.

But, if I was with someone who felt uncomfortable with me watching porn, I would want to find a compromise. I don't know what that would look like but I wouldn't want to make someone I care for uncomfortable, over something like porn.

leavingorbit posted 4/24/2020 08:45 AM

- I do.

- I did.

- Sometimes, but never the full extent. I definitely used it as escapism.

- he does now, after discovery. I never though of anyone else, it was more inspiring? Idk.

Here’s the thing though: I wouldn’t try to have sex with my husband out of fear of rejection/my own insecurity, I concealed my consumption, I used it avoidantly, all the hallmarks of a shitty coping mech.

It by definition was focused on me and sex in a relationship is about connection, IMO, so... definitely disrupted bonding in my marriage and was dishonest.

Zugzwang posted 4/24/2020 10:45 AM

Not videos, but used images to masturbate. Did that since I was in middle school. Wife did not know. I used that as a stress release. Not anymore. Keep that to the shower. Getting off on images caused a shit load of problems when she found out after Dday. I can see now why it is degrading to both look at women that way and to look at women when I have a wife next to me.

GuiltAndShame posted 4/26/2020 23:11 PM

I am not sure about the link between porn me infidelity, but I think that porn could be a “gateway”, enabling or lowering barriers to further and deeper destructive sexual behavior, such as emotional and physical affairs. For all the reasons listed below, I don’t think porn is “good”.

I am a wayward spouse, and I used to watch porn (before D-day). My partner did not know about it.

Porn creates unrealistic expectations
Most women are not porn stars.
Most women are not willing to risk their physical health in the ways that many porn stars seem to.
Most women have not had as much sexual experience as porn stars.
Unless we have a porn star for a partner, expecting the wild crazy extreme porn experience in real relationships is unrealistic.

Porn de-sensitizes us
Porn exposes us to extreme sexual activities that are not usually present in our real relationships. Porn can give us extreme thrills. This can lead us to become less “turned on” by our real relationships.

Porn reduces our sex drive for our partner
With our finite sex drive, satisfying part of that drive with porn causes less need to satisfy the drive with our partner. We should satisfy ALL our sex drive with only our partner.

Porn is addictive
Porn provides a thrill and satisfaction, but the satisfaction does not last long, resulting in a desire to go back for more, over and over. Also, if the extreme sexual activities portrayed in porn are not present at least in part in our relationships, then porn becomes the ONLY source that feeds the appetite for extreme sexual activities.

Porn is a dark secret to be kept hidden
The widespread stigma that porn is “bad” and “wrong” leads to porn viewing being kept secret and hidden. From a young age, porn viewing is a often judged as a dark deed, almost never discussed or revealed. That approach often carries over into adulthood and into our relationships.

Porn has an intriguing voyeur vibe
With porn, we feel like we are given secret access into the wild sexual activities of others.

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