Hello Everyone,
I am new here and actually found it thanks to my wife who I betrayed, disrespected and violated. Ever since I was caught I started going to therapy and a big part of becoming a better person is being open. I am posting this as a chance to get this off my chest and be open to what I have done. This is probably be long so I am going to break it up in sections for easier digestion.
WHAT I DID:
My wife and I have been together for 15 years. Every woman I have ever had sex with I felt instant discount and disgust after climax and wanted no parts of affection or care expect for her. That is how I knew she was the one. After the birth of our second child, her best friend approached me online looking for someone to talk to lonely at home with her newborn. She asked that we not tell our spouses as her husband is insanely jealous. The biggest mistake of my life started there. Overtime I saw her clearly pushing the envelope and I made took the bait. Over the next few years we would meet a hand full of times random places in the car for intercourse at first but then oral sex only. She made it known that she had feelings and wanted me to leave to start a life with her. I did not want this and had no emotions toward her. I had the same disgust, shame and disconnect throughout our conversations and interactions. I lied to her about having feelings and talked down disrespectfully about my wife and our relationship to keep the door open. The interactions we had were abnormal sexually as well as I was extremely forceful and physical. There were a few times I thought I had injured her yet no matter what I did or asked for she was ok and willing. The couple actual sex meetings I could hardly orgasm which led to her going to only oral after. I was not even attracted to her yet kept it going. After each interaction the shame and disgust would have me distance myself yet I never could remove myself completely. As this went on over the years she realized I was not leaving and asked if I ever would. I said no and that was when she decided to stop all things physical. For the next 4 or 5 years we continued to talk but nothing physical. Checking emails daily became more or a task that I didn't think about more than wanting to actually talk to her and conversations were robotic, dry and repetitive. I would continue to ask to meet with her during this time during times I knew it would not be possible. Yet I still emailed, talked, asked and did not stop, looking back without knowing why.
During this time very early on I had sex with a stripper during a bachelor party. Recently another of her friends had opened a door I went looking in and talked to her which lead to receiving nude pictures. When I asked if her I could have sex with her she said yes and I finally did what I wish I could have done all alone to the other. I stopped! I stopped messaging, talking inappropriate and even being friendly. I had the power to do it! But, it did not matter...
My wife had hired a private investigator who was able to pull up deleted emails over the past several years along with pictures exchanged and she confronted me on them. There was no more room to lie but I was happy. I let it all out and told her everything. I started going to therapy and found that I have never been open to anyone ever and this is a starting point to be a better person. So I told her about the stripper and the friend that I stopped with.
The two awful parts that stick out were one time when my wife found us talking and I lied my way out of it instead of admitting or just stopping. There were a few times over the years my wife asked, pleaded, cried and no matter how much I wanted to say everything I opened my mouth and lied out of fear again and again. This was also her best friend. So now she has lost what she thought I was and her best friend from childhood as well. Two deaths in one. And, maybe worse of all, I never stopped talking to her. With no emotions, connections or enjoyments, why didn't I stop. I may have found a few reasons from therapy but it still doesn't make me or my wife feel better.
I have memory issues which I actually have an appointment for next month to see if there are deeper issues or conditions at play. This causes problems because during her search for answers many of such due to the amount of time, or them being lies so didn't care to remember, infuriates her that I don't remember.
WHAT I HAVE LEARNED:
I learned that I have extreme self love issues. Due to a troubled trauma filled childhood and issues with parent abandonment I do not love or even like myself. I feel like no one does and if they do I do not deserve it. I was brought up alone isolated and constantly shamed. Also throughout my life everyone I love or friendships close to me leave me. Again, constantly feeling alone. I have impulse and addictive issues. I have had gambling issues and trouble. Excessive impulse spendings episodes. I am also addicted to porn and sex. I have watched porn since middle school and masturbated daily since around the same age without orgasming (to young physically). I have issues with my mother and how I was raised along with the abandonment of my father. I self pity a lot and battle with depression.
I learned that I love my wife more than ever and cant believe the amount of pain and hurt I caused. I have been able to actually feel emotions, however basic that I have never felt before. These have lifted my life in avenues that I could not imagine. But this also put my self worth which I already have issues with extremely beyond the point of 0. Hearing how awful of a person I am and pain I have cause in much worse hurtful and painful ways daily brings me to a level of depression I am not sure I have felt before. I cant see myself with or wanting anyone else other than my wife and I cant put into words how remorseful I am every breathe I take.
MY CURRENT SITUATION:
I am going to therapy twice a week sometimes three as I have started seeing on specifically for sex addiction topics. I have been working nonstop with my wife through trying to work things out. She is on a constant roller coaster of emotions, highs, lows, triggers, etc. I due to my nature am an extremist. Her high one day will have me on cloud nine thinking of how happy we are and are going to be ok just to be blindsided about to fall asleep at how she cant do it, hates me, wish never met me etc until almost 4am to have it go back to ok the next morning. But by this time I am depressed and in a low place for the self mental hate I had just experienced. This ride is such a mental exercise that I now am on two different emotional rides at the same time that I feel like I can't control. There are times where I feel like I can't breathe. I keep telling my wife that she can put me through anything I deserve it and I keep telling myself that. Sometimes are easier than others and the world coming to an end and being together quarantined when happy is amazing but when not even more painful and hurtful things to be said.
I have started reading a number of helpful things here already but still wanted to open up about my story and share. Thank you all for listening/reading. I appreciate and all feedback or guidance.
[This message edited by Voorhees5 at 4:32 PM, April 17th (Friday)]