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Shutting me Out

am452 posted 4/14/2020 14:44 PM

Something I'm really struggling with here, so asking for BS opinions too, what in your opinion is the best thing to do when the BS shuts out WS?
It's been 3 months since D day and we have these great moments, even great days BH says he loves me and says all these sweet things, we are still intimate (just ending the hysterical bonding phase) and things feel better than they were before I started my EA, sometimes we just spend all day in bed in each others arms.
Then once or twice a week BH just wants to give up, he pushes me away and is angry and mean and cold. He makes snarky comments about my OP. He talks to his OP and even has pointed out to me how much better she is than me.
It hurts me, and even cripples me sometimes. I fear if I give him space he's going to run to OP's arms.
I just want to do what is going to help him and us in the long run, but at the same time I have this instinct to just be near him and talk to him and I have no clue what to do.

[This message edited by am452 at 7:34 PM, April 14th (Tuesday)]

HellFire posted 4/14/2020 14:51 PM

What he is doing is normal, at this point, for a BS. The ups, and downs. The rollercoaster the WS put us on.

What work are you doing on yourself?

Typically I would be asking what work you are doing to become a safe partner. However, your husband is in an active affair. You need to read the 180, and implement it.

You need to work on yourself. Figure out why you cheated. I've read your posts, and you seem to be blaming him. That's not fair. And it's not why you cheated. Work on bettering yourself, do the 180, and tell him if he wants to work on R, he has to go NC with her.

Stop tolerating his abuse.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:52 PM, April 14th (Tuesday)]

am452 posted 4/14/2020 15:14 PM

Thanks for replying!
I'm going to IC to try to work out the issues that I have going on that caused me to do this in the first place. I've already found out some new ones, and acknowledged the old ones, but the therapy is still in its infancy so there's a lot of work ahead.
Not trying to blame him, he keeps asking me why and every time I try to tell him why (the many reasons) I've even written them down in a journal, it's not good enough for him; Im not trying to make excuses, but to start to move on and forgive myself for what I did.
He's told me he's gone NC a few times or tried to but she kept trying to get ahold of him, but every time we try to bring it up, he points fingers and says he's not under the microscope, I am, it just leads to more arguing.
Maybe part of this is learning to stand up for myself in this. I just take everything because I strayed and I feel like I deserve it.

[This message edited by am452 at 7:36 PM, April 14th (Tuesday)]

Gemini83 posted 4/14/2020 17:42 PM

Iím a BS, I read your other post. Am I understanding this right? You are mad hatters, he is actively in an A, he is rubbing it in your face, he has laid hands on you and recorded you crying in the floor to send to your OP? You need to leave. You donít sound safe in that environment; it sounds toxic. No matter how hurt or angry he is it does not give him the right to physically abuse you or humiliate you.

am452 posted 4/14/2020 18:04 PM

Hi Gemini,

That is correct, I guess we are both mad hatters.
After our therapy session we all determined that his physicality was a one time thing; he's been nothing but remorseful and apologetic since he smacked me the one time.
As far as his A and OP, yes he rubs it in my face when he is angry, he sees it as him having his fun now that I have had mine and he always gloats how he is lucky because his OP lives about 30 minutes away whereas mine was in another country.
He has been invited to go out with friends more often who offered to bring other girls around for him, but he declines each time for various reasons, none of which are us, but he makes me sweat about it every time he is invited.
Sometimes I wonder if we both just went about this poorly, spending too much time together, still being intimate. He insists he wants to pause sex and our counselor suggested it but he always initiates and Its hard for me to turn him down because I'm worried he will run to OP.
He hasn't been the way he was when he hit me since that day, I think it opened his eyes, but it still feels like he is on a roller coaster about wanting to fix things and he says hurtful things when he's angry, but I feel they are deserved because of the way I handled everything with my A.

[This message edited by am452 at 6:04 PM, April 14th (Tuesday)]

Gemini83 posted 4/14/2020 21:06 PM

Everything Hellfire said. You are responsible for you and your actions. Work on those.

Even removing the physical altercation from the equation, your relationship stills sounds incredibly toxic. There are three people in your relationship. That doesnít bode well.

am452 posted 4/14/2020 21:37 PM

Maybe when we are on better talking terms and he comes back around I will bring it up, right now I just want peace. My eyes hurt so much from crying.
I have neuropathy and its been pretty bad lately; it scares me because my grandfather passed from complications from neuropathy, usually BH helps me get through the pains all day; he did once this morning and then he told me to go to OP when I asked him for his help again.
He's upset because I've been on the tablet all day reading in the forums and responding, I was also on the phone when he came home from his errands (with my therapist) and he says I'm being "digitally sneaky" even though I showed him all of my call logs and messages, I realized it hurts him because that's where my original betrayal took place, digitally.
He thinks I'm just vilifying him on here and making myself look like the victim, but he has access to the tablet that I use whenever he wants it. I'm trying to be as transparent as possible digitally to erase any doubt.

am452 posted 4/15/2020 01:25 AM


After showing him my posts he admitted he has has NC with his OP for a week. I feel so broken about this.
He doesn't want to work on things again, and I just don't know what to do. I know he has the right to say he's done, I wronged him.
I made OP too big of a part of my life. I changed my background to something that reminded me of him.
I wrote short stories with him being the hero.
I kissed BH before he went to work and talked to OP while he was there, even sending him pictures.
I put so much time and effort into my A, while neglecting the needs of my BH and family.
I took him for granted and under appreciated him and now it feels like I am going to lose the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Even when I had the chance to make things right by telling him everything about my A, I TT'ed him, to spare his feelings. BH swears it was self preservation but it just killed me to see him so hurt by what I did I felt like telling him more details would just twist the knife further.
He insists his A isn't a PA or EA but an RA.
But I am a bad person for what I did; nothing can justify it, and he doesn't believe a word that comes out of my mouth about my feelings for OP.
He wants me to stay off the forums because he claims everyone wont give me the right advice, but when I ask him to do the same it's not my place.
I don't have a support system at all, they all either placated me or encouraged my A. I'm just so lost with what to do.
And now I get to look at my baby and all I can think about is seeing him or her being conceived during HB.
It's all just so overwhelming.
He wants to see old messages, I can't afford to get them. He wants me to tell him what we exchanged (2 years ago) and I genuinely cannot remember a lot of the back and forth that was exchanged between OP and I.
I just want to fix what I broke.

Justsomelady posted 4/15/2020 01:48 AM

Iím sorry hon. Heís in pain but that doesnít excuse him being toxic and controlling. Youíre allowed to seek help. You need to work on bettering yourself but so does he. Heís been NC for a week but continues to blame and torment you. Heís got work on himself to do too. An RA is still an A, not like he gets a gold star for that. Just like we donít get gold stars for EAs not turning PA. Sounds like his went PA as well as EA. You are a Wayward and a betrayed spouse at the same time and need support. He can post on his own thread for support too.

The best thing that ever happened to you is a man who humiliated you and has hit you. Think about that. Agree you need to detach and work on yourself. Only when he calms down and copies you in on a NC communication with OP and OBS is notified by you and aware of what went on, can he really R with you if he chooses to and you still want him at that point. And meanwhile you have a lot of soul searching to do too. Did you seek our this online affair partner because you were feeling needy and seeking validation, avoiding hard things in life and looking for escape?

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 1:50 AM, April 15th (Wednesday)]

am452 posted 4/15/2020 02:26 AM

All of the above, along with the attention I got from him. It was addicting.
It felt nice to be needed, OP claimed he had a lot of issues (losing both parents and a sibling at a young age) and I just felt shut out by BH.
OP is also significantly younger than both of us, so I feel like that may have played a role in it too.
Frankly he's been telling me so much since D day that he's never told me (just as I act differently towards him, trying to be the woman he needs) about how he felt about me that it hurts me to know that I killed that.
He claims we have been having problems since before our 5 yo was born but he never talked to me about them, just like I put up my walls when he got angry before I started my A.
He said tonight that he would consider working on things if I proved to him i wasn't here because I needed him financially but because I genuinely love him, but then he took it back later, just like he claimed that he never said no to therapy when we discussed it being switched to telehealth.
Towards the end he said he only cares about me right now because I'm pregnant and went to our neighbors house who texted and asked if he wanted to come over because he heard us yelling so I can imagine I'm being vilified at the moment even though he insists I do a good enough job of making myself looking like a bad guy by having the A.
I never asked for credit for my EA not being PA but he always insists that it would've been a PA had we not had a son and if I was working although OP did offer to pay for my flight and lodgining.
Any mention of his A was deflected back onto me because I broke everything in the first place.
We ran into the circle of "you're only sorry because you got caught" and "you never stepped up to the plate for us all the chances you had with OP but now all the sudden you want to because it's damage control" which is a very vicious cycle because I don't know what to say to that, beyond it's not damage control but out of genuine love, which he always counters with "you didn't love me enough then, I don't have to accept it now."
He also claims that talking to anyone on here is bad because (like he experienced) everyone was going to say to leave him because he hit me.
He said he has an account on here, not sure if he's ever posted but he insists on wanting to because I'm trying to make myself look like a victim or Im just talking to a bunch of strangers who enable me (what got me in trouble in the first place) because they've been there before, but to be fair I have a bad track record of trying to find a support system online.
Sorry for the novel

am452 posted 4/15/2020 02:32 AM

I've noticed it's not be seeking out help that he cares about, it's just that everyone I talk to tells me to leave or keep trying to fight for us.
Sometimes I feel like BH doesn't like my support system unless they tell me I'm wrong and a POS and he deserves better.
Don't get me wrong, there were a few toxic people that I stopped talking to but even the therapist we were seeing wasn't good enough because she sided with me too much.
It's like he wants someone not to support me but to join him in telling me how much of a bad person I am.
Even when I tried to apologize for the millionth tome tonight he was just cocky and sarcastic to me, I get he's hurt but I'm over here spilling my guts out again and all I get is an attitude and smart quips back.

HellFire posted 4/15/2020 07:13 AM

I find it odd that he thinks you're so horrible, for having am affair...yet he is actively engaged in an affair with a married woman..a woman who is doing exactly what you did.

He doesn't care about this woman. He is using her as a weapon against you.

I also wonder if he was involved in this affair before yours came to light.

He is lashing out. He enjoys causing you pain. And he's going to continue to do this, until you put an end to it. Right now, you are allowing him to do this. You need to put an end to it. You should really file for divorce. Tell him that you refuse to share your husband. That you have done wrong, but he has as well. And if the two of you can't grow up, and get your shit together, then you need to think about the welfare of the children. It's unfortunate, that neither of you were thinking about the children, when you were involved in your Affairs. But it's not too late to turn that around. You need to get your children out of this war zone. And that's going to have to start with you. You need to make changes. You need to see a lawyer.

You need to be tested for STDs. You absolutely need to stop having sex with this man. He is having sex with a woman who has no morals. He is probably not her first Affair. And you don't know if she has been exposed to any STDs. And there are STDs that can kill your unborn child. You need to stop having sex with him right now. If that means he goes and has sex with the other woman, then that means you just go to the attorney. Stop this abusive cycle. It could have dire consequences.

Stinger posted 4/15/2020 08:17 AM

Pretty messed up situation. Have you considered checking out this program called Affair Recovery?

HellFire posted 4/15/2020 08:43 AM

I read that he told you they haven't had sex.

Cheaters lie. You know this. He is lying.

Hippo16 posted 4/15/2020 08:46 AM


I don't think he has the maturity and/or the willingness to face his own demons.

Hitting is never an acceptable way to resolve hurt or anger and that is his response. Only HE can fix that issue.

Having an RA/A/EA/PA is just stupid - you already muddied the creek with your A - now you have a foursome! And she is calling him?

Add in he isn't or doesn't want to talk to anyone about what is happening?

Sane people don't work that way. Humankind are social creatures and interpersonal relations are a necessary and normal part of our existence. Not facing his own internal issues (which I would think he is hiding from/not acknowledging) is his issue and his bias against this type of forum is his loss.

From what you have said - I think he fears hearing from others an interpretation of his response to your transgression would "rake him over the coals" and he has an inkling of that possibly happening.

So he hides and denies.

You don't have much to work with right now.

Healing your relationship takes both of you working your ass off - and, from what you say, he isn't onboard with that idea.

Keep posting and some of the much more astute members (relative to me!) will give you ideas and guidance.

Not time to give up yet - but I see some rough times so buckle up.

Zugzwang posted 4/15/2020 08:58 AM

I find it odd that he thinks you're so horrible, for having am affair...yet he is actively engaged in an affair with a married woman..a woman who is doing exactly what you did.

Yep. Just crazy. Personally I think those people that have been betrayed knowing how it feels that turn around and do it to some OBS, are more cruel, entitled, and selfish than most original WS. Just my opinion. Not all BS are good people to begin with. Mind you, this is different than me saying they deserve anything if the BS is already a bad person. No one deserves being cheated on. No one causes someone else to cheat. A person that stays with a bad spouse and blames them for cheating needs to look at themselves and put the blame solely on themselves for lacking the courage and self respect to leave a bad relationship. I am just saying that not all BS were good people or even good spouses to R with let alone be in an original relationship with to begin with. If a person cheats in return to solve their problems. Well, they were just as messed up as the WS that cheated first. They lack the ability to solve problems, they might be too codependent, they could even just be mean vengeful types. You need to decide for yourself.

Justsomelady posted 4/15/2020 09:05 AM

Have either of you read not just friends?

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