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Confessing

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ViridianBlue posted 3/24/2020 17:49 PM

Itís so hard to be posting here, knowing that Iíve made choices that are so hurtful to my husband and children. I was involved in a long-term affair. My husband does not know. The AP is also married with children. I am done with living this way and I donít want to be this person anymore. I donít know what Iím looking for right now. Iím convinced that confessing is the only way. I am scared to do it, and understand that it will turn everything upside down. Iím scared to do it when there are so many stressors surrounding the pandemic now. I understand that there is no good or ideal time to do it. Thoughts are appreciated.

thatwilldo posted 3/24/2020 19:22 PM

ViridianBlue,

Iím convinced that confessing is the only way. I am scared to do it, and understand that it will turn everything upside down. Iím scared to do it when there are so many stressors surrounding the pandemic now. I understand that there is no good or ideal time to do it. Thoughts are appreciated.

You are absolutely right that confessing is the right thing to do and there's never a better time than right away. Your husband deserves to know what's been happening in his life.

Have you read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, by Linda McDonald? That book will help you to know how to go about confessing.

Zugzwang posted 3/25/2020 12:51 PM

I am done with living this way

Just curious if the pandemic has anything to do with this?

Are you in a safe environment to tell right now? When you tell, is your husband the type of person that would not hurt you?

I am probably the biggest advocate for telling. I learned a valuable lesson about manipulation from keeping a very game changing TT for 18months. I am just making sure that those that do, have a safe environment when they do. Someplace to go that is safe if they don't.

ViridianBlue posted 3/25/2020 20:15 PM

Thatwilldo- Thank you for your suggestion.Iíll look for this book.

Zugzwang - I donít think itís necessarily the pandemic that brought this on. Iíve known it for a long time. I think it was a culmination of things. We just had a conversation about how we both felt guilt and shame over everything. There is just no escaping it, even though the moments we shared together seem so intoxicating at the time. Throughout, there was always guilt, knowing that what we were doing was wrong and hurtful to our spouses. I think we were (and still are) in a sense addicted to each other.

Yes, Iím in a safe place and my husband would never hurt me. I know that being in a confined space with my kids at home will make things challenging.

kairos posted 3/26/2020 21:14 PM

I am of the firm belief that confessing as soon as possible once you have made that decision is critical to your health and your partner's own stability. The longer you wait, the worse it could become, and that's not worth the risk. For every day you hold this in, you hold a lie against your spouse. I know it sounds harsh, but every day is a lie. Let that settle in.

There are probably of handful of measures you can take to prepare yourself and the situation. There's probably an ideal setting in which to do this. But if that's getting in the way of acting immediately, then it's just an excuse.

I've seen others in other posts recommend otherwise. Last point: just think of what your spouse will feel the longer you wait. He deserves better. You both deserve better.

[This message edited by kairos at 10:24 PM, March 26th (Thursday)]

Georgyboy posted 3/28/2020 07:22 AM

WS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:03 AM, March 28th (Saturday)]

blitzkreig posted 4/8/2020 23:26 PM

I have been where you are. I confessed. I can't describe to you the gut-wrenching horror and heartbreak my BH experienced. The depth of his pain was BEYOND HIDEOUS to witness. The shock of this reality is something we both have to live with for the rest of our lives. BUT, coming up on 3 years later, I can tell you I do not regret confessing. He simply had a right to know so he could have the dignity of making informed decisions about his life. I am very grateful to report he chose me. He ultimately offered grace, mercy, and unimaginable, breathtaking, overwhelming love, which speaks to his character and the God he serves. This man loves like Jesus, is the best man I know, and I will spend the rest of my days honoring him.

ViridianBlue posted 4/9/2020 21:05 PM

Blitzkreig -
Thank you for your words. I am also married to a man that loves God and so I could relate to what you were saying. I know that my husband would be shattered to know what I did. Iíve imagined telling him many times and how awful it would be to witness how hurt he would be and to know that I was the cause of it.

I havenít wanted to post on my thread since I havenít told him yet. Thereís a lot of instability in our life at the moment with the pandemic and fallout from that. I know itís also an excuse and a large part of me is scared to throw a bomb onto an already difficult situation. However, I also know I donít want to keep secrets anymore. I feel like having things shared only between me and xMM keeps us bonded somehow, even if we are NC. I donít want me or my husband to continue living a lie anymore. I hear what everyone is saying about confessing and I agree. Anyhow, thatís where I am now.

BraveSirRobin posted 4/9/2020 23:33 PM

I almost never suggest that new WS ask to remove the stop sign. I typically think it's very important to start with input limited to others who have been in your shoes, so you don't get overwhelmed and leave the site.

But these are very unusual times, and I really think you need BS advice, and not WS, on the subject of confessing under quarantine. On the one hand, I'm certain that it would be infuriating and heartbreaking for your husband to find out that this information was a ticking time bomb for the entire lockdown and you never disclosed it. In any other circumstance, I would be certain that every BS on this site would say to confess immediately. On the other hand, your BH will have extremely limited options for processing your confession. The kids will never be more than a few rooms away if he needs to really let loose on you. If he can't bear your presence, there won't be a place for him to escape. If he wants you to leave, he'll be solo parenting under extreme stress (and probably worried despite himself about you being exposed). Are you locked down as a family? Or are one or both of you working outside the home in an essential capacity, so that you don't have to be together 24/7?

Again, I'm almost sure that the BS community will advise you to tell your husband now anyway, but if ever there was a case for confirming that, this is it. I think only other BS can really imagine what it would be like to have this dropped on them while essentially imprisoned with their betrayer. I'm a madhatter, but I don't think that even that perspective is sufficient.

No matter what the fallout, though, I'm sure of this much: it is better for you to confess right this second if you might, possibly, remotely, in any way even THINK of breaking NC with AP. Communicating with him is continuing the affair. Even looking at his social media is a huge no. Ditto texts and pictures, but for God's sake don't delete them, because your BH will probably demand to see. If you need your spine stiffened by your BH's devastation and rage, then immediate disclosure is absolutely what you'll have to do.

blitzkreig posted 4/10/2020 01:24 AM

Blue, first, 3 things I wish someone had said to me when I came to SI 3 years ago:
1. Thereís a lot of advice on this site. One size does not fit all. Take what is reasonable, healthy advice and leave the rest.
2. Thereís a difference between constructive criticism and abuse. Thereís a lot of anger on this site, and some might tend to take it out on you. You donít have to dignify it with a response.
3. Some will assert that your husband will feel a certain way based on any number of variables. Some will be wrong. For example, some posters said my husband would be angrier knowing I had delayed my confession (due to an important family vacation/holidays). He was furious about my infidelity, yes, but he actually understood the delay.

That said, is there any way you can get your kids out of the house, to a safe place, for the confession? I sent mine to Grandmaís, and it was the right thing to do (for us). This gave my husband the freedom to really lay into me. This lovely Christian man screamed, cussed, cried, got puking drunk, and just generally lost it. Our kids have never heard stuff like that come out of his mouth (or seen him drink). It would have been traumatic. And to have heard the wretched disgusting thing their mother had done would not have been good for them. So instead they just thought they were spending the night with Grandma. I also had arranged for a place for me to stay if he had asked me to leave. I was going to leave if he wanted me to, because I was really done with me; everything was about him and what he needed at that point. I didnít want a divorce AT. ALL. But if he had asked for one, I would have given it to him. I would have done anything. Anything he needed to heal.

I understand you not wanting to be bonded in secrecy to your former affair partner. I totally felt the same way. For me it was good evidence that the limerence was dissipating. For the love of God, donít EVER have anything to do with him for as long as you live. Delete him from your reality forever.

For full disclosure, the day after confession I learned my husband and I are mad hatters. It sure helped us each to understand the other. We got everything out in the open, and I think we are better, closer, and happier for it. He once told me he was kind of glad this happened. Not that he was glad about my infidelity, of course, but about the dumping of all the garbage, the work weíve done individually and as a team, and the new reality we are living together. At first, we talked about renewing our vows. But eventually we realized this is still the same marriage that we began 30 years ago, that weíre learning and growing within it, and that it can still be beautiful. In the end, weíve determined to live for God and watch Him fill in all the cracks with gold.

[This message edited by blitzkreig at 8:18 AM, April 10th (Friday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 4/10/2020 08:06 AM

That said, is there any way you can get your kids out of the house, to a safe place, for the confession? I sent mine to Grandmaís, and it was the right thing to do (for us). This gave my husband the freedom to really lay into me.
And that's the rub: if your stay-at-home edicts are like the ones where I live, it is impossible to suggest sending the kids anywhere without giving an explanation of why it's critically necessary. Even then, it's probably not a good idea because it could put them and/or their caregivers at risk. My children haven't seen their grandparents for weeks (and in one case months, because my MIL was away internationally for the winter, and we were locked down by the time her post-travel quarantine ended).

I agree with blitzkrieg that if you remove the sign, you'll get a lot of input, some of it conflicting, much of it aggressive. Only you can decide if you're ready for that. If you think you can handle the harsher stuff, there are also many BS who will be helpful and constructive (for your BH's sake and your children's, if not for yours). And the mods do protect this forum if anyone really gets out of hand.

Buck posted 4/10/2020 10:49 AM

I am also a madhatter. I was a BH before I had a revenge affair.

Unless there's even a slim chance your BH will discover, or be told about, the A, I would not disclose until the quarantine is lifted. I also raged, yelled, called her names, threw things, smashed our wedding rings, and ultimately tossed her out of the house on d day. By sheer luck, our children weren't at home that night. You may think you know how it will go down, I guarantee you're going to be shocked at his reaction. There's a possibility your marriage may end when you disclose. R is never guaranteed.

Right now, unless you have a backup place to stay, it's not a good time to be looking for a couch to crash on for a few nights.

What you can do is write a detailed timeline. Give all the details you can possibly remember. Be 100 honest and under no circumstances trickle truth or downplay your actions. It's easier said than done, believe me. Write it, set is aside, then read and edit as required. You'll definitely be asked about what, where, when and how. Also, put in it why you ended it and how you feel about your actions now. Read how to help you spouse heal. Schedule IC, even if it's online. Work on yourself during this time. Definitely end it completely and totally with AP. Never contact him again.

I hope it works out well for you.

thatwilldo posted 4/10/2020 13:34 PM

ViridianBlue,

However, I also know I donít want to keep secrets anymore. I feel like having things shared only between me and xMM keeps us bonded somehow, even if we are NC.

That was an astute observation. I lied for eleven years about a situation where a man had put his arm around me twice before my husband saw him do it. I insisted that he had never touched me before. I'm so sorry I did that. My BS explained to me that it meant I was siding against him and with the other man. That's how he sees it and now I understand.

I sympathize with you. This will be a very hard time to reveal your affair, but there's never a good time. Have faith in yourself. You have good instincts.

I wish you strength and courage.

leavingorbit posted 4/10/2020 14:11 PM

Hi, Viridian, Iím sorry youíre here. My husband and I have been discussing your post. I realize life is throwing us all a lot of uncertainty right now and itís hard to choose next steps. I believe life is uncertain and any control or predictions are a crapshoot. A lucky guess that may or may not work out.

I donít think thereís ever a ďgood time.Ē I would say, do you want to keep making destructive and avoidant decisions? Do you want to dig in deep, figure out who you are, and get authentic? Do you want your marriage (no guarantees)? Then get organized and get ready and tell your husband.

My husband and I agreed that it would be more to process if either of us had disclosed after a time like this. I do believe that a big part of disclosure is admitting that any delays or excuses are really just there because you want them to be. We canít decide what is better for another person because weíre not them. It royally pissed my husband off when I would look to SI for answers first instead of just checking with him.

I agree with Buckís advice about preparation to a point. How prepared can either of you be, really? I do encourage you to get into IC.

Strength to you.

2timesunfaithful posted 4/10/2020 19:54 PM

Veridian Blue,
I agree with all of the other posters to confess. The book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass was very helpful, and helped my see my actions from the perspective of my BW. Take this extra time to accurately and in painful detail start your timeline of the affair. Use this isolation to also remember how you felt at each point in the progression and put this in chronological order.

Leave no details out. Prepare for the worst, pray for the best. Since your BH is a man of God, review and include biblical passages for forgiveness and redemption. The Bible is filled with that.

I wish you strength for confessing and success in R in the coming months.

etaoin posted 4/10/2020 20:30 PM

As a BH before I was a wayward H, I totally agree with Buck. Suck it up until a better time. this is not about you. It's about him.

blitzkreig posted 4/10/2020 20:48 PM

Maybe keep the Bible verses for your own reading and pondering right now. At a time such as D-day he might not take kindly to your ďpreaching at him.Ē I did not dare bring up the subject of forgiveness. I did not suggest that God wanted him to forgive. While God hates divorce He does allow it in cases of infidelity. I did not pressure my betrayed husband or give commentary on what God wants. I was in no position. I had not done what God wanted. So I put myself at Godís mercy and my husbandís mercy.

If your husband is a godly man he already knows what the Bible says. He will be calling on God, believe me. On D-day I heard my husband weeping in our bedroom, crying out to Jesus, and repeating over and over again, ďWhen I am weak then I am strong,Ē from 2 Corinthians 12:9-11. I am typing this through tears remembering his agony. There are simply no words for the devastation that is infidelity. But my advice is to do what is right and leave all the consequences to God. You did not obey God before. Show Him youíre sorry; show Him you love Him by obeying Him now.

[This message edited by blitzkreig at 8:50 PM, April 10th (Friday)]

ViridianBlue posted 4/11/2020 08:01 AM

Are you locked down as a family? Or are one or both of you working outside the home in an essential capacity, so that you don't have to be together 24/7?

BSR, Weíre locked down as a family and have both been working from home. I couldnít ask family or friends to take the kids right now since weíre not supposed to be out of the house except for essential reasons. Thanks for your input and taking the time to respond. I donít have desire to reach out to xAP in any way, just to be clear. He isnít on any social media, thankfully and also hasnít reached out in any way. I know he wants to work through things on his end as well.

Thank you to everyone who has taken time to write out responses. Iím reading them and considering what youíre saying. I canít anticipate how my BS will react and want to give him space for whatever he needs.

In the meantime, I will work on a timeline and continue to work through all of this. Reading through this site has been helpful.

Blitzkreig, thanks for the encouragement to turn to God. Itís been a hard realization knowing that I committed such a huge sin that has hurt so many people. It is overwhelming to realize that my decisions have the potential to cause so much hurt and devastion. It weighs on me so heavily. I donít want to be that person anymore and I want to be honest and truthful. It was actually a devotion that I read a few weeks back that talked about this and became a turning point.

One question I have which I know will be controversial would be regarding telling xAP that I am going to tell my husband. What is everyoneís thoughts on that? The reason that I would do this is because I want him to prepare to tell his wife everything and not to blindside her. I canít say if my husband would choose to contact her but if he did, I wouldnít want her to find out from him.

Owl6118 posted 4/11/2020 09:32 AM

One question I have which I know will be controversial would be regarding telling xAP that I am going to tell my husband. What is everyoneís thoughts on that? The reason that I would do this is because I want him to prepare to tell his wife everything and not to blindside her. I canít say if my husband would choose to contact her but if he did, I wouldnít want her to find out from him.

I don't think you'll find much controversy--instead, you'll find near-universal agreement, as follows:

1. No contact means no contact.
2. Concern for APS wife at this point is disingenuous and self-deluding. Your choices already prove that you are incapable of truly thinking and acting in anything resembling her best interest. To pretend otherwise is to continue to lie to yourself. You do not give someone a buck for coffee after looting their entire bank account. The single kindest and most respectful and sincere thing you can do for her is intrude no longer into her life in any way, the only exception being, to be humble and honest if she contacts you.
3. Your concern really is not for APs wife, it's for AP, you are trying to smooth is path to some imagined happier future and recovery of his marriage. This line of thinking is still thinking of AP really, not his wife-- and it is nurturing your emotional connection to him.

Whatever becomes of your own relationship, the road to self-recovery begins with accepting that you have forfeited any relationship with AP or his family forever. Even in thought. Even in conscience-salving feigned concern. He and she form no part of a healthy future for you, or of a you who wants to have a life of integrity again.

The does not apply to your husband. She and your husband have common interests, experiences and concerns. If they wish to exchange information as part of the process of recovering the real truth of their lives, that is their right.

I phrased this very sternly but not out of any desire to be cruel. I do feel for you. You are at the beginning of a long journey from soul-death to soul-life. I wish you well. But-- learning to see our many may layers of rationalization and flawed thinking fot what hey are is essential as we start on the road of life again.

blitzkreig posted 4/11/2020 09:44 AM

Blue, NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. A thousand times NO.
He is a grown man who made his choices; he will have his own consequences. Unfortunately, his wife will be devastated either way. No way to really prepare even when one does prepare. It will be what it will be. This is infidelity.

YOUR consideration has to be 100% your husband and whatever he needs, not the AP, not even a little bit, and not his innocent wife. She is her husbandís responsibility.Your husband is YOUR responsibility.

This is not between you and AP any longer. There is no you and the AP any longer. Keep it that way and stay in your own lane. Do not reach out to him for ANY reason. He doesnít exist. DELETE. Keep your realm to the LORD and to your husband, and let the chips fall where they may.

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