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Reconciliation to an open relationship?

Pages: 1 · 2

BeyondRage posted 3/5/2020 10:47 AM

DC,

After reading this, if your husband is on this site I hope he knows what he is getting in to.

If you two go into a club with wedding rings fully displayed, my bet is you will have more offers than you can count and he will be told time and time again to get lost.

Married women are like catnip to guys on the prowl. A far less percentage of women want anything to do with a married man.

Your hubby might want to research that one and also figure out how hes going to feel when you become emotionally attached to someone else and the reality of that starts to occur.

I wouldn't bet my 401k that you are about to solve your marital problems and most books on the subject will tell you opening a marriage is much more likely to widen fissures that heal them.

[This message edited by BeyondRage at 10:54 AM, March 5th (Thursday)]

SI Staff posted 3/5/2020 14:14 PM

Please note, a Stop Sign has been added. This thread is now closed to responses from Betrayed Spouses.

dcsnowlover posted 3/5/2020 14:25 PM

BeyondRage - I appreciate your analysis of what could happen if we were to enter a club or if I were to become emotionally attached to someone or whatever, but none of that is relevant to my question.

I appreciate there are lots of cliches about what it means to be open, but please don't make assumptions about me or my situation.

If you have personal experience with going from cheating to ENM, please share! If not, please...don't.

Justsomelady posted 3/5/2020 15:01 PM

I do not. There is a member here who advocates open relationships but is a formerly BS but not with her cheating partner, in later relationships. Perhaps if your husband posted she would comment on his thread. Your H would probably be better suited to posting as it is a loaded question for a Wayward to ask. I donít think WSs are in a position to ask this of their betrayed. I think it is presumptuous. It would be better received from him and you would likely get more info you are looking for.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 3:02 PM, March 5th (Thursday)]

Zugzwang posted 3/5/2020 17:16 PM

To be clear, I know weíre not ready for an open relationship - I was curious whether anyoneís made it work down the line, after reconciliation and time.

Why are you asking about something that may or may not happen? Meaning reconciliation of marriage. Does your choice to stay and work on the marriage rely upon you getting consent to have sex with other people? Does his choice to not divorce rely upon this? Just seems like you are putting the cart before the horse right now.

Have you fixed you? IC and not MC? The cheating isn't a sex problem...it is a you problem.

Youíve been in an open relationship most of your marriage
Yeah, agree. You and only you decided you were in an open relationship and reaped the benefits of that for years Thanksgiving has a point there.

Would it hurt the relationship if you guys did. Nope. The relationship is already hurt by its weakest link way before the open stuff suggested. You. You can't hurt what isn't fixed yet. You keep it hurt. Fix you. Fix your needs. Fix your gaping hole you have that you use sex to fill. Stop being a goldfish.

dcsnowlover posted 3/6/2020 10:38 AM

I continue to appreciate the responses to my post and have read through them a few times. I take to heart the reminders that rebuilding trust is the critical piece to healingóand we certainly can't open our relationship in the future without that piece.

That said, I can't understand why people feel a need to comment on me personally or our (and it is OUR) decision to consider an open marriage in the future. It's fine if that's not a choice you'd make, but it's not your place to judge or apply your values to my situation.

The biggest takeaway I have from these responses is I'm even more grateful than ever that my H is such an open-minded, forgiving, sex-positive person who's secure with himself and doesn't feel a need to own or possess me sexually in order to feel loved and secure with me. I could rebut a lot of the mistaken things that people have assumed in their responses, but it won't serve any purpose. Suffice to say thank you all for making me appreciate my H more than ever.

Justsomelady posted 3/6/2020 10:43 AM

Look, you canít control peopleís responses and feelings - and this dredges up a lot of those. If it pisses you off - take our advice and get your H to do it. Especially as we know how entitled we waywards are so it can feel outrageous in this context for the question to come from you and not him. I get you only want people to comment on a specific set of rules you laid out, but nobody thus far has a response that matches that. So youíre gonna get responses like this I think until your H sets up his own thread. It should come from him and not you.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 10:44 AM, March 6th (Friday)]

dcsnowlover posted 3/6/2020 13:28 PM

Justsomelady - my H is aware that I posted this question and Iíve read to him many of the more salient points. He laughed out loud when I read to him your comment that he should be the one to post the question I did...if he wanted to ask, he would.

Zugzwang posted 3/6/2020 13:54 PM

If he isn't worried about it, then why are you?

Justsomelady posted 3/6/2020 14:34 PM

Ok - you arenít going to get what you want posting it yourself. it is more likely you would receive what you want if he posted. Super confused both by why he laughed and why you are even here if he is seemingly unconcerned.

dcsnowlover posted 3/6/2020 15:09 PM

Itís not confusing at all. Iím asking the question because, as the FWS I was interested in seeing if other FWSs had advice about how theyíd successfully navigated becoming open. So my BS isnít that concerned about it - doesnít mean I canít still be interested in doing it right and learning from others. Clearly, however, Iíve picked the wrong place to do that.

Justsomelady posted 3/6/2020 15:56 PM

Yeah. I guess you picked the wrong place.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 3/6/2020 16:18 PM

dcsnowlover, I have been in this site for almost 10 years. I canít recall a single wayward spouse that has come here and successfully transitioned from infidelity to an open marriage. You will not be able to get answers from the very limited pool of people you are requesting them from because they arenít on this site.

We would however, be able to answer or help you navigate healing from infidelity.

Zugzwang posted 3/7/2020 10:27 AM

as the FWS I was interested in seeing if other FWSs had advice about how theyíd successfully navigated becoming open

They answered it for you. Most don't understand why you are asking if you haven't even done the first steps. Your control issues and your responses speak more about just how far you have come in looking at your wayward behaviors. You don't like that they are pointing out stuff you didn't ask for or simply don't want to hear. They are wondering why you are getting so defensive about the opinions of strangers. I am just wondering why you are so so selective in responses. Why bother to be condescending of people making assumptions from limited information? Seems more like an ego or power trip to me. Not a very nice character trait, yet if that works in your relationship with your BS and he can laugh...then more power to you having something to bond with.

Yes, you picked the right place if you really want some growth. No, if you just want to hear confirmation bias. Perhaps there is a place in the I Can Relate section for open marriages. Though it would seem a waste of time because you can't even make a closed marriage work. Cart before horse. You want to do it right. Fix you.

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