Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Don't know what I should do

Pages: 1 · 2

Crushedddd posted 2/21/2020 10:24 AM

Have been with my girlfriend for 7 years, I was weeks away from planned engagement. I'm 37 she's 30.

Confronted my partner a few weeks ago. She met a guy when she was at her work Xmas party. Gave him her number, and they were texting a lot. They met up 5 times to my knowledge (once per week). Last 2 at his apartment, she swears nothing happened more than kissing and she was topless on the 1st time. But she stopped it going any further... As she said that was her line and she knew it would be over between us if she did any more.

She had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy last April. The due date was Dec 1st. She had been stressed and not quite her self since then. We were both devastated and we had been trying for a baby for over a year, so it was really hard. We were still super close in summer, but Nov/Dec weren't as close as we used to be, it was hard on us both.

When I confronted her she told me how empty she had been feeling, and depressed etc... I took her to the doctor and therapy and they say she has PTSD and medium to severe depression. She said she did it just to feel something, to feel pretty/beautiful again as someone was giving her so much attention. She's apologised, owned up to messing up, says she will do anything to make this work.

I feel obliged to support her through her depression etc as it's something we should have been going through together. Anything after that I'm still trying to decide.

She has called in sick to her work and has found a new job so she should never see this guy.

She deleted all texts before she would let me look. I've since managed to restore *some* of the texts and she is telling the truth about not having sex the first time, but cant find any messages to confirm/deny the last.

I'm thinking about calling/messaging the guy, see if he will give more information.

I always thought I would just leave if someone ever cheated on me, but here I am trying to find a reason/excuse/way. Will everyone think I'm weak if I stay? I feel embarrassed and ashamed.

Our relationship was the most intense amazing connection at the beginning, the first few years were unbelievable we were both completely obsessed with each other. We've had so much fun, I never could see how it would be possible to find someone else that seemed to match me so well.

Reading through the texts, I think she is able to do that to most guys, they read a bit like the texts we used to send when we met. Now I worry that she always needs someone to be messaging constantly... Has she done this before? Even just texts, I don't know.

squid posted 2/21/2020 10:35 AM

Crushedddd,

Sorry you've found us.

I'd say you dodged a bullet. Feel thankful for that. I have no doubt they had sex, ESPECIALLY if they were at his apartment.

"Nothing happened" is the #1 lie all cheaters tell. "Just a kiss" and "we were just naked" are a very close 2nd.

Move on. She has shown you who she is. Believe her.

squid posted 2/21/2020 10:37 AM

As she said that was her line and she knew it would be over between us if she did any more.

Her "line" should have been not to engage with other men. Period.

BBBD posted 2/21/2020 10:43 AM

You’re going to find your balls and leave or stick around because you feel guilty?

Typical Behavior from your GF “My relationship was having problems—the answer is in another mans pants”

Not married, no kids, RUN. This is suppose to be the “honeymoon phase” does it feel like one?

And yes, they had sex.

notanotherchance posted 2/21/2020 11:03 AM

She met a guy when she was at her work Xmas party. Gave him her number, and they were texting a lot. They met up 5 times to my knowledge (once per week). Last 2 at his apartment, she swears nothing happened more than kissing and she was topless on the 1st time. But she stopped it going any further... As she said that was her line and she knew it would be over between us if she did any more
.

My man she has banged this guy at least 5 X. Grown women in their 30's don't give a man their number, meet up at said mans house, start making out, remove their clothes and then say they stopped because they have a line they will not cross & destroy their relationship with their BF. That is some sort of deranged integrity from your WGF to even state that, but seriously she is lying. All the other stuff you mentioned, the pregnancy issue, the PTSD, her depression are all things that couples work through together.

The cheating is ALL ON HER...PERIOD. No excuses.
Don't know why you feel obliged to help your WGF now after the fact. Because all she gave you was excuses as to why she cheated not the reason. Let me help - She cheated because she wanted to.

Also who exactly is the OM is it a co-worker? Work x-mas party is generally for office people, some people bring their spouse, rarely do single people show up unless they work in the office. If so when you felt like you two weren't as close as usual in Nov/Dec then her & the CW were most likely initializing their A. Also if it is a CW then there is a good chance the A will continue at some point. I would do some more digging if I were you.
It sounds like your going to keep looking out for the WGF, however your still young. Be glad you found this out now not when you marry, have kids & rack up a small fortune in debt & assets. She failed the qualities required in a potential wife. Its up to you if that's what you want to settle for. Myself I would have dumped her like yesterday

redfish posted 2/21/2020 11:08 AM

I'm sorry for your two's loss. Was the pregnancy planned?

How did you find out about the PA? It's a PA since her top was off. I can't fathom a no touch at this point.

You had planned to ask her to marry you in 3 weeks? Was there talk about marriage from Dec-D day? Why were you going to ask her at this point?

Her EA with coworker might have started in November or earlier before her miscarriage. You you said you were not as close then. This might be the TT and she blames the miscarriage and not basic cheater talk.

The way you describe her texts as similar to the way when you two started to date. To me it seems as if she looked for another boyfriend and not someone for support during her depression.

My guess the OM will not have much to say. It be lies since they might now have their story straight. What would you ask him anyway?

How much of the work she has done was your idea vs hers? Did she quit work without suggestion?

WalkingHome posted 2/21/2020 11:10 AM

Minimization if a form of dishonesty.


She has proven to be dishonest, that she is a cheater, and that she lied to you multiple times, willfully and intentionally with prior planning to do so.


Do you believe her when she says that two grown adults got together in a place with a bed...kissed...got naked...and then just up and stopped because their morality took over?


You are lucky. You can't see it now...but you are. You are young and have no kids with this woman. Your freedom is out there and your past can be left behind forever.


You will hurt as long as you choose to stay in the hurt with the one who hurt you. You decide how long that goes on.


ShutterHappy posted 2/21/2020 12:08 PM

None of us here at SI buys you GF story... We read so many stories, it starts like yours, then some digging is done and more is discovered.

A kiss becomes "just a BJ", becomes "we only had sex once but I didn’t like it" etc...

But let’s assume everything your GF says it’s true....

You’re about to marry a woman that willingly give her phone number (when she feels down), date other men, go to other men’s places, kiss other men expose her breast to other men, but... doesn’t cross the line

"I, ___, take you, ___, to be my husband I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love and honor you all the days of my life. and will stay faithfull, and only kiss other men and expose by breast but nothing more "

Does that sound like the perfect wife to you?

You GF cheated because she felt like it. If you want to marry her, she will need to fix herself first and become a safe spouse.

faithfulman posted 2/21/2020 12:39 PM

Don't know what I should do


Finally, a super easy question to answer!

Break up with her immediately, run, and never look back.

You are incredibly lucky you learned she is a lying cheater before you married her or had kids.

Sorry the pregnancy didn't work out, but now you won't be attached to this sleazy person for the rest of your days.

GoldenR posted 2/21/2020 13:27 PM

She showed you her real self before kids, before marriage. Be thankful and believe her.

PassThis posted 2/21/2020 13:35 PM

A simple, effective way to get to the truth about the extent of her betrayal is to ask her to take a polygraph test. There have been many discussions about polygraph tests on this site. Read BeyondRage's thread.

A simple question: Have you had any sexual encounter with any man other than Crusheddd since you become exclusive with him?

Or, you could be more specific: Did you go any further with OM than just sit there topless? (or replace with your own red line of activity)

You and the polygraph operator define "sexual encounter" with her prior to the test so that there is no room for weaseling. Some people have justified in their minds that oral (sex), heavy petting, deep kissing, etc, are not sex, but only PIV intercourse is actually sex. Eliminate the ambiguities in the question.

You will be able to ask 3-4 "yes or no" questions.
Other questions might be:

Have you had any emotional feelings for another man since you met Crushedd?

Have you ever lied to Crushedd about meeting with another man?

Asking her to take a polygraph test is giving her an opportunity to prove that she is telling you the truth. Once you know what the truth is, you can start working on whether or not you can forgive. You can't forgive her actions that you do not know about. Also, the truth will replace your worst assumptions about how far she went with her OM.

Many BS's get "parking lot confessions" prior to the test. If you do, you go through with the test anyway to confirm her disclosures as being complete.

If she refuses to take a polygraph test, that may be enough information and justification for you to assume the worst.

Do not contact/confront her OM. He is a cheater and cheaters lie. You gain nothing by contacting him.

Good luck.

[This message edited by PassThis at 1:43 PM, February 21st (Friday)]

Unsure2019 posted 2/21/2020 13:55 PM

Crushedddd,

Sorry you’re here. It’s a club no of us wanted to belong too. Listen to everyone on here. Now, you’re thinking that your WW and your situation are unique – THEY ARE NOT. She cheated on you, lied about it and continues to lie. You are getting the tip of the iceberg here. She will only admit to what you know or at best tell you just enough to save herself. You’ll get dozens of responses and virtually no one will believe she didn’t fuck the POSOM.
Take her phone to an expert ASAP. This early on there is an excellent chance you can recover the missing texts that by the way she deleted. Then, follow this up with a polygraph. If she balks at either of these, that will tell you all you need to know.

Frankly, and I know this sounds strange, but in a way you’re lucky. No marriage, no kids and you’re young with a full life ahead of you. Do you want to have to work on this for years and still having it looming just below the surface forever? RUN, RUN, RUN.

sisoon posted 2/21/2020 14:17 PM

I really have a hard time with people telling Crusheddd on an anonymous 'net forum exactly what happened when they didn't see anything and do not know Crusheddd or his GF.

The GF is suffering from PTSD. That does something to a person. She said she did this so she could feel something after losing a baby. That's not blaming her A on the relationship.

Crusheddd,

I'm really sorry your GF cheated, and I'm sorry for your loss. I know life seems to suck at this point. I can say only that life will get better - more slowly than anyone likes, and it takes longer than anyone likes it to, but you can survive and thrive.

Your GF cheated because of her own issues, not because of any issues with your or with your relationship. You may feel like you screwed up, but you didn't.

You have choices to make. My advice is to figure out what you want and go for it if it's attainable.

As you see, some people will think you're weak if you choose to R. Others, however, will think you're strong if you choose R and weak if you don't.

Since you can't get universal approval no matter what you choose, Find the strength to go for what you want. It's your life, after all.

Note 1: Ordinarily I, too, would think ending a relationship with a pre-M/pre-kid affair is likely to be the best choice, but your situation isn't ordinary.

Note 2: Separate what you want from what you do. IOW, it's one thing to want R, but R is possible only if you are both willing to do the necessary work.

And that work is more individual than couples counseling. Your GF needs to look inside herself and change from betrayer to good partner.

You heal you.
She heals herself.
Together you rebuild your relationship.

Bu that's only if you want R. You can ed the relationship if that's what you want, and you can hold your head high.

*****

If you consider R, I recommend reading https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp?.

That has some information on how a good candidate for R behaves after d-day.

If it makes sense to you, I recommend printing it off, cutting off the URL lines, and asking your GF to read and maybe even discuss it.

I also recommend NOT telling her about SI. If she's not here you might be able to be more open about your thinking and feeling.

Robert22205https posted 2/21/2020 15:09 PM

I'm sorry for your loss. What you and your girlfriend experienced is devastating (I'm been there). However, IMO, that does not explain her decision to choose to cheat almost a year later.

btw: I have a friend that claims that he's depressed but his doctor does not agree. The point is the doctor makes the call - not the patient.

I can't tell from your post what the timeline is.
Unfortunately once trust is destroyed its difficult to believe anything a cheater says.

It sounds like you took your girlfriend to the doctor after discovering she cheated.

And after the exam, she told you she had PTSD and medium to severe depression.

This is serious stuff. Were you present during the examination to confirm what the doctor said?

Did the doctor prescribe any meds that target the PTSD and/or medium to severe depression?

What she says she has is serious. When did the doctor recommend she return for a follow up?

If the doctor keeps her records online (mine does) she can log on and show you his diagnosis.


Thumos posted 2/21/2020 15:34 PM

Last 2 at his apartment, she swears nothing happened more than kissing and she was topless on the 1st time. But she stopped it going any further... As she said that was her line and she knew it would be over between us if she did any more.

This is a lie. All but guaranteed. We've seen it all before. This is one of the most common lies, and very rarely is there a unicorn telling it true.

Brace yourself. They had sex. There's more.

When I confronted her she told me how empty she had been feeling, and depressed etc... I took her to the doctor and therapy and they say she has PTSD and medium to severe depression. She said she did it just to feel something, to feel pretty/beautiful again as someone was giving her so much attention.

They all say this. Almost every single one. It's complete horseshit. Regardless of her depression, she knew exactly what she was doing and why. She's not a naif wandering in the woods.

She deleted all texts before she would let me look. I've since managed to restore *some* of the texts and she is telling the truth about not having sex the first time, but cant find any messages to confirm/deny the last.

Apparently she's willing to "do anything to make this work" except tell you the truth and provide you unfettered access to her phone messages to him.

Reading through the texts, I think she is able to do that to most guys, they read a bit like the texts we used to send when we met. Now I worry that she always needs someone to be messaging constantly... Has she done this before? Even just texts, I don't know.

Answers: Yes, you're seeing her "bag of tricks" and all the little cute quirks, mannerisms and flirtatiousness have never been special for you. They're a part of her repetoire Many of us have had this experience of having the scales fall from our eyes and seeing our WW's for who they truly are.

Also, yes, she's more than likely done it before.

So now you know who she is, what she is, how she sees the world, and how she operates.

You're not married yet.

You know what you'd be marrying. More than likely you'd regret it for the rest of your life if you proceeded knowing all of this.

More than likely, you won't regret it if you just end it and RUN.


Thumos posted 2/21/2020 15:38 PM

As you see, some people will think you're weak if you choose to R. Others, however, will think you're strong if you choose R and weak if you don't.

It certainly does not make you weak if you R. Nor does it make you strong or weak if you D. However, in circumstances where such flagrant cheating occurs before/during an engagement, it's a fact that the marriage that was to be has been aborted and buried in the ground. That's a very rough takeoff for a future relationship of any kind with this woman. Just think about it.

WontBeFooledAgai posted 2/21/2020 15:38 PM

Even if her story about "not going past topless" is true--as if!--how the hell is that possibly an acceptable line.

Could replace "not going past topless" with "only going on a first date but not going on a second date with another man" and it is pretty much the same.

Meanwhile depression--including depression as per an accurate diagnosis from a qualified medical professional--is no excuse for cheating.

I'd move on at this point.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 3:40 PM, February 21st (Friday)]

Buster123 posted 2/21/2020 16:02 PM

Facts:

1) She willingly made a decision to cheat on you.
2) She's a proven cheater and a liar.
3) There are no excuses for infidelity.
4) You did NOT cause her to cheat.
5) Obvisouly she does NOT have any boundaries and her "line in the sand" of just being topless is simply ridiculous.
6) She deleted texts so that you could not see the truth.
7) You're not married.
8) You don't have any children together.

Logical conclusion IMHO: RUN and DON't look back, you deserve so much better than a proven cheater and liar, btw don't for get to get tested for STDs, did I mention cheaters lie ? yes a lot.

oldtruck posted 2/21/2020 19:18 PM

WW lie.
when they say nothing happened, the made out.
when they admit to making out, they had oral and
when clothes came off means they had sex.

standard WW minimizing to do damage control.

mandatory polygraph test.

then once you get the truth dump her because you
are young and have no kids with her.

Marz posted 2/21/2020 19:25 PM

She’s just a gf.

Dump and run

Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

© 2002-2020 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy