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I am devastated and I need your insight

Merti posted 2/18/2020 17:04 PM

Married for 12 years, no kids.
A little bit about my marriage: Our relatives and friends always told us how much our relationship inspire them. We were truly in love for all these years, we could not wait to see each other during the day, cared for each other and never hesitated to show our love. We were one of the most compatible couples I know. He was a lovely man, humble, hard working, sensitive. We dealt with financial problems and family problems together, and felt so lucky to have each other.
Until I figured out 2 months ago that he was having an affair. He had dramatically changed the last 10 months. First stopped calling me during the days, then started to come home with his friends late and drunk, and was avoiding me all the time. He had to confess in the end that she was 16 years younger.
It is devastating because this is someone I never imagined to have done such a thing. Considering we had a very happy marriage. I know that he was genuine in his love, everyone could see it easily.
He tells me he is not feeling well for a while, he doesnít know if this is mid life crisis or depression, but he feels like he is not the same person. He cries and tells me that he canít lose me, but he will not stop his ridiculous behavior. I wanted to get a divorce but he refuses. He tells me he will get back to his senses and he needs help. The more time I give him, the more I feel that he is just using the situation, and doing nothing to change. I keep finding a new lie every day, which is devastating. I separated from him for 2 months, and he came back begging and saying he stopped it, only I found out a few days ago that he is lying.
I canít expect anything from him, at this point, and I cannot save this relationship alone. But I still have this little thought that there might still be hope. I cannot hold onto that hope, but it devastates me to leave him for good. Will this pain get better when I stop seeing him? Why is he crying and telling me he cannot live without me but still doing the same things? I really started to think he has a psychological problem...

[This message edited by Merti at 4:03 PM, July 3rd (Friday)]

HellFire posted 2/18/2020 17:12 PM

He's a typical cake eater.

What consequences has he had?

Have you told her husband?

Im So sorry he's doing this.

Merti posted 2/18/2020 17:24 PM

Hello Hellfire,
I was in a no contact with him for 2 months but he figured he can come back to me lying.
The final consequence for him will be to lose me, and I will do it to keep my sanity, but it hurts me deeply.
The other person is single. I wonder how people are able to live with themselves after causing so much pain to others.

HellFire posted 2/18/2020 17:27 PM

Have you exposed the affair, to family and friends?

ChamomileTea posted 2/18/2020 17:49 PM

Without consequences, he's got no reason to change. He's got you there, waiting in the wings, and he's got his AP for fun and excitement. Having his cake and eating it too.

I caught my WH in a series of Craigslist affairs, multiple partners, various degrees of emotional attachment. In fact, there was quite a bit of future-faking with the last of them, protestations of true love and all that sort of nonsense. And I have no doubt in my mind that if he had thought for even a minute that he could continue on in that affair and have me waiting on the back burner, he'd have done so. What I did instead is was come out the gate swinging for the fence on divorce, and then started ignoring him. After about a week, he wanted time to prove he could change. I gave him 30 days and again caught him in contact with the OW. So, I gave him about 30 seconds to make up his mind, "all-in" or "all out". And I meant it too. It wasn't a tactic or a gambit. He ghosted the OW and that was five years ago.

I'm not saying that's the way it works for everyone. When you put the ultimatum out there, it can go either way. But if you don't stand up for yourself, the cheater won't respect you.

You deserve better than what you're getting right now. In order for him to believe it... YOU have to believe it.

((big hugs))

tushnurse posted 2/18/2020 18:05 PM

I wanted to get a divorce but he refuses

Too bad - File. He can stall all he wants but once you take legal action he cannot balk on it.

You need to make you your number one priority. He clearly isn't the man you thought you married anymore. He is pushing back knowing that you will fold. Stop folding and demand better for yourself.

thatbpguy posted 2/18/2020 18:05 PM

Merti, very sorry for you and the situation.

Clearly he needs some professional help. maybe make a list of things he needs to do before you would even consider R- see a proper doctor to determine what is going on with him, stop drinking and attend meetings..... see if you can shake him awake.

Beachwalker posted 2/18/2020 19:33 PM

Merti: I am very sorry you have been put in this awful situation, but Iím glad you found us.

I separated from him for 2 months, and he came back begging and saying he stopped it, only I found out a few days ago that he is lying.
The more time I give him, the more I feel that he is just using the situation, and doing nothing to change.
Without consequences, he's got no reason to change. He's got you there, waiting in the wings, and he's got his AP for fun and excitement. Having his cake and eating it too.

So, how do you stop this cycle? There is a saying here on SI: ďYou have to be willing to lose a marriage if you want to save it.Ē And, itís true. File for D. You can stop it or slow it down at any time. Once he has been served, he realizes the clock is ticking and heíd better get his rear in gear and over here, or youíre history. If that doesnít wake him up, then you have your answer on what to do. Since this guy is in no hurry to drop his AP, help him decide.

And Tushnurse is right: Who cares what he wants at this point? If you file, he has to deal with it. He just canít tell the court ďnoĒ.

You have already taken great strides in the right direction and I commend you for that. I want to encourage you to keep going, and continue posting to keep us up to date. Just remember that here, you are not alone.

Merti posted 2/20/2020 01:20 AM

Thank you all. I am going through too much at this point; work, some health issues and this, on top of all. I feel that I am slow in respondibg to him, I admire those who kick their spouses out right away. I, on the other hand, sat with him and listened to his feelings and problems for months after the DDay. He proved to be selfish and I am just the opposite. But all the other good qualities he has make things very difficult for me. But as I stay away from this maddness longer, and leave him, I know that I will be back to my senses.

Buffer posted 2/20/2020 02:43 AM

Hey young lady, sorry but he is a selfish pig 🐷.
Please look after yourself.
Look into doing what You need to get through this.
He is a major cake eater. Time to throw out the cake.
Consult a legal practitioner for your location, know your rights and responsibilities for your location.
Please get tested for STDs and STIs if you havenít done so. You may benefit from IC. Look at your finances as well.
Is the OP married or in a relationship? If so exspose them, if it is a work place relationship, notify HR. It may be classified as harassment if he is her supervisor, boss etc.
Let his and you family know of his Wayward ways. You do Not need his permission to do this as it is in response to his decisions and actions. This isnít a mistake but his mindset.
Take is day by day, this isnít on you in any way.
Take care, exercise, drink water and eat healthy please.
Buffer

BellaLee posted 2/21/2020 04:56 AM

Hi @Merti, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this painful situation in your marriage.
It is true that it takes two committed people to make a marriage work and unfortunately a change has occurred in your husband that has caused this infidelity. Have you considered individual and marriage counseling?
I know when I was going through the pain of betrayal in my marriage, we tried for a long time to try and work it out ourselves but after a while I realized we needed professional help and I have to say that it was the many months of wise counseling from a trusted mentor of ours that enabled us to begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Also do you have any close family member or friend that you trust that you can talk to and even be a mediator for you.
Sometimes it might be necessary to let close family members know what is going on in your marriage and not hide it especially since your husband's behavior has changed so much and he's not keeping to his word.
You sound like a wonderful and forgiving person and I pray the near future brings healing for your emotions and strength & wisdom for the days ahead.
Sending you much hugs )))

The1stWife posted 2/21/2020 07:12 AM

After reading this post and your other post wherein he cannot decide what he wants to do, I strongly suggest that you obtain counseling just for you. The reason being you need someone to support you and understand your position at this time. Do you need a place to go where you can talk freely and I doubt that marriage counseling at this point heís going to provide you the support you need.

As he refuses to in the affair and stop being in contact with the other woman, you really have very little that you can do at this time. Thereís nothing you can say or do that can get him to stop the affair.

However that does not mean that you have to tolerate it or live with it. Taking a firm stand and letting him know this is not acceptable is a good starting point. Some people separate at this time and I applaud that decision. Others donít have the ability to live separately so they need to take other measures.

Go to the healing library here at surviving infidelity (in the upper left-hand corner) and read up on the 180. It can help you tremendously to put up boundaries and protect yourself. It is not meant to stop the affair because as you know, only the cheater can make that decision.

But the 180 can set firm boundaries that you were not tolerating or living with his infidelity.

Best of luck to you. Please know that you deserve better than this.

Merti posted 2/21/2020 16:08 PM

The1stWife,
Thank you for your response. I am seeing a therapist; some days I feel that it is helping but other times I feel stuck.

Taking a firm stand and letting him know this is not acceptable is a good starting point. Some people separate at this time and I applaud that decision.

It is a tough decision but I cannot be part of this ridiculousness any more. It is a wound that gets deeper every day. These people have no manners but I do, and my self respect refuses me to be a part of it. He told the other person that he will never divorce me. She couldnít care less. What kind of a person would be okay with it? I do not want to be exposed to such low quality any more, hence I will leave this maddness. They will have to find another major cause to focus their lies and selfishness on. Afterall, these are the foundations of their ridiculous relationship.

[This message edited by Merti at 4:15 PM, February 21st (Friday)]

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