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Only an Emotional Affair?

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random123 posted 2/18/2020 14:55 PM

So this is a long one... I think.

Somewhat typical story as I've started reading more and more. I can provide specifics in more details if needed but am going to try and generalize just to get through this. I think it's important to note that we've been separated for 8+ months. Her & I are starting our 2nd couples therapist as the first one wasn't working for either of us. We are both trying to figure out if we can make this work. We do have a 12 year child.

So some context, Wife & I were close friends with another couple that had same interests. I ended up becoming extremely close with the husband. Him and I spent 3 - 5 days a week together doing whatever.

Him and my wife always got a long great which I genuinely appreciated as she has always tended to be quite introverted and she had a hard time connecting with people. Over time it was just little things that I noticed that set off red flags in my mind but that I pushed aside. My wife and I had a bad relationship for quite a few years at this point. I was happy we both had some people we could kind of let loose and enjoy some time with so I just chalked it up to us enjoying ourselves. Some of the little things I started noticing was when he would "slyly" ask if my wife was going to hang out every time he came over (3 - 5 times a week). Doing really odd things to ensure they were sitting by each other. Finding moments here and there to find her by herself to make her laugh or share something just for her (a present or information on a similar interest). At this point i told myself that these are good things. My wife has a friend who I also love. But also, I started noticing little things from my wife. My wife, being an introvert (also has extreme social anxiety as well as clinical depression) and needing her space, always called it a night early except when he was around. I'd have to be up extremely early but if he was there I'd feel obligated to stay up because even if it hit 1AM she'd still be hanging out until he left. When drinking, even in groups, she always made sure she was around him and I would say even pined for his attention. After a few weekends of drinking with them, I noticed when his wife wasn't there how close they'd be and how they interacted. They kept their distance when his wife was around. She is not an introvert and looking back no doubt my wife had at least a fear of her or maybe it was respect? who knows. Obviously had 0 respect or care for me.

During this time period, my relationship with my wife as at an all time low. She made it clear over about 6 months how she really didn't want to be in this relationship verbally and physically but she stayed. Although she didn't give me any of the positive attention she gave to him I thought in a sense it's nice to see her happy sometimes and I don't want to take that away as this is just them being friends.

Anyway, One day she had a girls dinner. She went out and came home about pretty early, 9ish. She's never been a good liar and even less so when she's been drinking. When she came home she went into her room (she'd been sleeping in a different room for quite some time at this point). I could tell earlier in the day she was feeling a bit down so I went in there to just try and talk to her. I asked if we had any plans this weekend and she said she didn't know. I asked if she had talked to friend (husband) about what they're up to. She said "no" and turned beat red and just kind of stared at me. So i asked again, "uh, you sure? Did you talk to friend?". She said "no" and got angry. I told her it was obvious that something is up and she admitted the third time that yes she was texting him. She told me she didn't want to tell me because she didn't know how I'd react and the usual jealous and controlling and none of my business stuff. She took it to level 10 right off the bat. So the whole situation seemed odd but the fact that she lied straight to my face put all those things I was noticing into a different focus for me. Anyway, the next day I straight up asked friend if he had been texting my wife and he told me yes about random stuff. I told him she lied to me and asked if he knew why she'd do that. He said he has no clue. I wasn't sure what to do so I just chalked it up to a one time thing but definitely didnt forget. I let my wife know that they've texted multiple times over the years and it's never been an issue but her lying to me is. We kind of come to an agreement but not really.

Anyway, i'll fast forward through most of the rest of this. I catch her lying about texting him 2 more times. Both times because it was painfully obvious in her face that she was lying. Both times I brought it up to my "friend". After the third I decided to sit them both down separately and let them know how their relationship is making me feel. I'm skipping a lot of other things that happened but to him I made it clear that I believe she has feelings for him. To her I made it clear that her lying and showing him the kindness that she does but treats me the way she does is extremely hurtful. Both of them told me that it's in my head and i'm creating something out of nothing and I need to relax.

I end up looking through the texting log and see that texting between them is picking up at around this point. over the next few weekends they make plans and i'm somehow able to weasel my way into them. Although it seemingly never went anywhere over these weekends (as she came home with me) their closeness and flirting becomes more and more evident as the nights & weekends go on.

After that I did snoop and checked her actual text messages to him. I didn't find anything incriminating other then lots of happiness between them if that makes sense? Emojies, exclamation marks, laughing galore. I know her. I know how she texts me and her friends. She had feelings for him. But nothing crossed the line besides it being clear they were... close...

Anyway, 2 quick things #1 - I was using him as a confidant. I'd been telling him all the problems in our marriage and taking advice from him. #2 - I had revealed to him the very first time i opened up to him about my marriage that we hadn't had sex in years. While looking through these text messages I saw that he texted her the very next day (while she was out of town). It wasn't anything nefarious, just a simply how are you doing. But come on? The very next day i reveal the state of my marriage you send my wife a text message..? So between seeing her obvious feelings and that I got even more red flags.

There are a ton of details of "little things that could mean nothing but just continue to add to this narrative" i could share but in order to save time i'm moving on. The last night we had them over she did a few things that made me really uncomfortable throughout the day. After I said goodbye to the rest of our guests & cleaned up I go outside to join our friends (the husband in question and his wife) who is out there with my wife. My wife and him are sitting next to each other and she's just grinning ear to ear. Long story short, I'd seen enough and respond abruptly to a joke she made about me and she ends up crying. I walk away and the wife follows me while the husband stays and consoles her. I found out after talking the wife for 30 minutes that she is also having marital issues and her husband hasn't given her sex in years & she can't figure out why. Anyway, as soon as she tells me this I get up to go where he's at "consoling" my wife. I had been drinking and I'm assuming by my reaction to her information she was concerned about what I might do. She screams that its time for them to leave and they get up and leave without anything else being said. Anyway, like i said a lot has happened i skipped up to this point and i'm told that the other couple can't be around me and the husband reaches out to me personally to tell me i'm headed down a bad path and will be losing my wife and son if i'm not careful.

I spend the next day feeling extremely guilty about blowing everything up. My wife and I hang out all day and she's fine. However, she's on her phone all day. I go and check text log again and she's texting him all day long. I don't say anything for fear of coming off as controlling and knowing it'd just start a fight. Anyway, next day rolls around and it's Monday & I have to go to work. I know she's supposed to meetup with wife for an activity but she continues texting husband all morning. I head home for lunch and talk to her about her plans with wife for 10 minutes. She confirms. There were a few texts from her to wife but mostly to husband. I am concerned but assume wife will be there so not much i can do. She leaves and continues texting husband. She gets back 3 hours later and seems really positive. Her and I talk for 10 minutes straight about how the activity went. She confirmed wife didn't go but talked about everything else that went on in that activity. Something was still off so after our 10 minute talk she goes into shower. I go into her car to look for something and find clear proof she went somewhere else. I come back in and confront her and i'm sure you can figure out what happens next. After the gas lighting, lying, and blaming I finally get as much of an answer I could. her and him decided to do another activity because the wife couldn't make what was originally planned. Nothing happened. I'm crazy for thinking something did and so much more. After talking with her for at least 2 hours about what just happened i decide to sleep on it. In the morning i text the wife that they did something privately. She was upset and said she was not aware. Alot happened around that time but I think that's mostly the important parts. Anyway, 2 days later my wife apologizes & says she didn't think it was a big deal to go off alone with him so she didn't pass it by me & (...then why the lying...? more lies) sits me down and tells me she is moving out. She makes it clear i'm crazy for even thinking something was going on between her and friend (husband). Completely denies any romantic feelings and any physical relationship. She made it clear this is not about another relationship but it's about us. We were separated but we made it clear we're not dating and this is nothing but about our relationship.

A lot happened after she moved out.It was hard at first but it became pretty clear pretty quick that I needed to work on myself and ensure my sons life was as stable as possible for whatever was coming. Fast forward one month, i'm sitting next to my son and he's googling something and something odd pops up in the google search history. Later that night i look on his history and see her account is logged into his computer. I open up the history for the last month and find a litany of questionable searches. First, multiple searches on hiding whatsapp messages, reading whatsapp messages, reading / retrieving deleted whatsapp messages. I also found quotes being searched on the bands & tv shows they both liked and tlaked about all the time. I found love meme's, think "What happens when you find your sould mate at the wrong time", "loving someone but knowing you can't be with them", "I could die right now and that'd be alright because i'm next to you". I also find memes that would only be applicable if you're actually talking to someone like, "When you tell your boyfriend you had a bad day and need support and he replies "Sorry Babe"". I find searches for 2 adult weekend getaways. I find she's bought new Victoria Secret Underwear. I probably found a few other things. But it was a while ago now.

Anyway to sum up the next few months, I'm assuming she'd thought i'd fall apart but i got into the best shape of my life. Got a promotion at work. Put tons of work into our house and was getting myself into a really healthy place all around. I wasn't done with our relationship but had a more realistic view of my part of what had gone on as well as hers. It was becoming more and more clear to me what i needed & wanted out of this relationship for it to work. Over that time she started reaching out to me more and more. We were trying to work on it and although we had a lot of relationship issue I certainly needed answers eventually on what actually happened with the husband.

About a month after she left we sat down and we talked. The husband was one of the topics i wanted to talk about. She denied denied denied any feelings or physical relationship. I brought up one thing I found and the answer she gave me didn't ring of truth so i forgoed bringing up anything else. Knowing full well until i get info i'm not pushing the relationship forward. Another 2 months goes by and we sit down again. I bring up what i brought up before and she still denied it meant anything. I bring up a different piece of what i found and she denied denied denied. In my mind, i'm doing fine and I don't trust her answers so i'm still not pushing forward in this relationship. A couple months later continued to try and we sat down to talk a third time. This time, she lied about anything i found being attached to him but did admit "i'm not in love with him and never was but i did love him, as a friend. We just got a long really really well. He was one of my best friends and i thought he was just trying to support me". One thing that did i find interesting was that when I pushed her on how obvious his intentions were she told me she didn't pick up on any of that but looking back she now thinks its odd when he was consoling her he would say, "you know i love you right". She said she thought it was odd because his wife was telling her that he doesn't ever tell her he loves her anymore. But he can easily tell my wife that..? lol. Okay... that's a little more but still not enough. I wait a few more months and make it clear i'm ready to move on and bring this conversation up one last time. This time printing up the love memes and giving her all the information i found. She admitted, they were all for him. Looking back she was "infatuated" with him but never in love. But denies ever talking to him after they moved out. The whatsapp searches were to see if i could read her messages if she used whatsapp instead of messenger. The quotes were for her to just to find quotes for her phone background. She admitted she used writing as an outlet but deleted her writing after a while as she felt silly. She swears she never shared her feelings, those memes, or her writings with the husband as "it would be the most hurtful thing i could ever do to his wife". Anyway, alot was said that day but it came down to i'm in a position where i have to believe her and i'm going to lay all this out in front of our therapist and maybe she can help me trust you again. I let her know that if anything else pops up that obviously we're going to have huge issues.

2 days go by, i'm trying to figure out some insurance stuff and as i'm looking through last year i notice a stand along pregnancy test that she got one month after she moved out. I know women can get those for birth control so i look through the other birth control charges. none of them have any pregnancy test charges attached to them. And the pregnancy test did not have any birth control charges near it. Birth control is every 3 months and the charge that should of been near the pregnancy test is not on there either. So maybe the doctor billed it incorrectly...? Anyway, I once again sat her down and asked her about this and once again got told how crazy i am. She only had thoughts & feelings that she never acted on. She shouldn't be punished for that. She never did anything wrong. She cancelled our couples therapy that was supposed to be a week later and told me that she just can't be in a relationship with someone who operates like this and a whole bunch of other things. I stuck to my guns and let her know her credibility is shot and I require proof for questionable things from here on out.

Again, alot more happened. I'm not sure what my question is at this point. Typing this out it all seems so obvious. She actually just reached out and agreed to still go to therapy which is tomorrow. I'm thinking of having her call with me to the doctor's office to have them explain what the charge was for and if they mischarged it? I'm also curious as to hear what the therapist has to say about this. In reality, we have so many more issues in our relationship. But obviously with no trust it's all a moot point to me. At this point, with all the trickle truthing, lying, and shaming I don't think i'm capable of moving forward in this relationship without her being completely transparent. Again, not sure what my question is. Thoughts?

SaddestDad posted 2/18/2020 15:04 PM

First thought... did you ever speak with his wife one on one to discuss concerns (without warning her husband or your wife)?

random123 posted 2/18/2020 15:09 PM

Unfortunately no. I always got the feeling she would go straight to him no matter what I said and it would just blow things up even further. Looking back. Should have done that. Anyway, I just let them go and never contacted them again. However, last i talked to my wife i ensured her i would most likely be reaching out to his wife. I asked her if i would find out anything i wasn't already told and she assured me she "doesn't think so".

[This message edited by random123 at 3:11 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

Marz posted 2/18/2020 15:10 PM

Red flags everywhere.

Most betrayed spouses want to believe so badly they see what they want to see versus reality. Hence, it was just an EA.

Pretty often an EA with contact is a physical affair.

Separation in these circumstances is to make more time available for the affair partner.

At this time you seem to be in denial. Itís your comfort zone so you donít have to face the facts which are right in front of you.

SaddestDad posted 2/18/2020 15:12 PM

Looking back. Should have done that.

Why can't you? It's obviously affecting you a lot more than you'd like to admit, and potentially affected the marriage itself. If something is/was going on, at least there's a chance that she may squash it or that you could get closure one way or the other.

Kiba posted 2/18/2020 15:15 PM

Nope. It is not only an emotional affair. You appear to afraid to see the truth.

Why is she on Birth Control when you two haven't had sex in years? Yes it could be to help regulate her cycle and such. So that is plausible. But a pregnancy test to boot. If she was not sexually active, then she should have told the doctor that. But she has been sexually active, and the doctor gave her the test. Probably due to not using protection.

Also, she is gaslighting you to no end. This "Husband" sound like a predator. He wasn't screwing his wife, and she clearly sounded like she would like it if he did. So I doubt your wife is his first (nor last) mark.

Yes your wife has been having sex with this man. The moving out only allows her to more availability to continue to have sex with him.

Marz posted 2/18/2020 15:17 PM

First, multiple searches on hiding whatsapp messages, reading whatsapp messages, reading / retrieving deleted whatsapp messages. I also found quotes being searched on the bands & tv shows they both liked and tlaked about all the time. I found love meme's, think "What happens when you find your sould mate at the wrong time", "loving someone but knowing you can't be with them", "I could die right now and that'd be alright because i'm next to you". I also find memes that would only be applicable if you're actually talking to someone like, "When you tell your boyfriend you had a bad day and need support and he replies "Sorry Babe"". I find searches for 2 adult weekend getaways. I find she's bought new Victoria Secret Underwear. I probably found a few other things

What you donít get is your wife is a very typical cheater. Nothing special about this at all. This wreaks a a full on sexual affair.

Cheaters lie a lot and that all youíre getting.

At this time if you donít wake up youíll just keep yourself in limbo.

Marz posted 2/18/2020 15:19 PM

Make no mistake she maybe married to you but she picked him over you.

Wake up

Alpargata posted 2/18/2020 15:21 PM

Everytime you have brought something up she has called you crazy and controlling, that's gaslighting. Having a reality bending story that perfectly explains what otherwise looks like clear cheating is also gaslighting.

She moved out to have her affair in peace. She has only admitted what you could prove, meaning there is very likely plenty more you do not have proof of yet.

If it neighs and gallops, of course it could be a zebra, but you already know what it is.

Ask her to pass a polygraph and watch her squirm followed by a huge outrage.

random123 posted 2/18/2020 15:28 PM

I guess i should make a few things clear.

I saw searches for weekend get anyways. I know for a fact she never went on one.

Also, she's been on birth control our whole marriage for a few reasons. So that's not out of the norm.

Also, Also, I know for a fact she is no longer tied to him and hasn't been for at least 2 months. Before that, who knows. At this point, if there was a physical relationship I just want the truth. But i agree, after writing this the truth is sitting right there.

SlapNutsABingo posted 2/18/2020 15:30 PM

To even consider continuing this marriage you need to find out the truth about the pregnancy test.

Contact the doctor and I think you need to setup a poly to answer the other obvious questions. You must know what you are working with.

Robert22205https posted 2/18/2020 15:32 PM

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Your wife has failed.

Since she destroyed your trust, itís 100% up to her to do whatever you need to rebuild trust and also to make herself a safe partner.

The most effective initial response to protect yourself (and save your marriage if thatís what you want) is the same whether you ultimately decide to by R or D.

First, in order to be taken seriously they must believe that you are prepared to divorce (bluff if necessary).

Don't try to nice her back. A spouse (and marriage life in general), can never compete with the emotional excitement of an AP, the high from the APís compliments, feeling young again, and the false mental image of the Ďperfectí fantasy lover/partner created by your spouse.

Since she's moving out, implement a hard 180, including: separate bank accounts, see your attorney and seriously consider filing for D.

Marz posted 2/18/2020 15:48 PM

At this point, if there was a physical relationship I just want the truth. But i agree, after writing this the truth is sitting right there.

Correct. The only proof you need is what satisfies you. This isnít a court of law. You need nothing more.

Upfront most are gullible and naive. No one is prepared for this. Sorry youíre here.

Often they learn to cover themselves better and it just goes further underground. Donít be surprised if it isnít over.

Murkywaters posted 2/18/2020 15:48 PM

You don't have to sit and wonder if she was cheating. Ask her to take a polygraph, when she won't you'll have your answer. On the off chance she agrees, schedule it and take her there. Chances are she'll be bluffing, maybe not though.

I'm not real sure why you'd want to get back into a sexless marriage anyway. It sounds like you're doing better on your own.

GoldenR posted 2/18/2020 15:55 PM

She is a master manipulator. And it 100% works on you.

She's also been physically cheating for a good while now.

Walkingthewire posted 2/18/2020 16:15 PM

I am going to play devilís advocate for a minute. Bear with me.
For the birth control/ pregnancy test: when I was a nurse in family practice we had to do them when they first start, if they were late coming to get it. Even a day late and we had to do it. Itís a liability issue.
Next, I had a guy friend who my husband swore I was having an affair with. I never had feelings for him other than friendship. He was like my little brother to me. However, apparently he admitted to my H that he had feelings and if anything happened between my H and I he would try to take his chance. I did NOT know this and when I found out I cut off all contact with him and havenít spoken to him in over a year.

So I do think itís possible to have a good friend of the opposite sex. There were things he and I had in common (The Beatles, those stupid ridiculous RomCom movies etc) The Beatles hold a special place in my heart and his as well for his mom who is deceased and the best times in my childhood always had the Beatles soundtrack to it.

random123 posted 2/18/2020 16:26 PM

I appreciate you sharing your experience.

In regards to the pregnancy test - I agree with the poster above. Because of the lying I need proof at this point. And with a simple phone call that we're both on she can clear that up. She had switched birth control 2.5 months earlier then the date of the pregnancy test. I saw the birth control charge. There was no pregnancy test along with it. Also, birth control is 100% covered because it's preventative. This pregnancy test was paid for. She's telling that she has been getting "Mandatory" pregnancy test for years. She got one this time just like all the other times. Which may be true. But if that's true the only plausible explanation is that the doctor's office incorrectly billed what she was in for that day. They billed it as a standalone pregnancy test instead of all the charges that typically show up on the insurance documents for her birth control. And if you've been getting them for years how come you didn't question having to pay for this birth control appointment?

2nd - Agreed on friends of the opposite sex can be just friends. But she admitted to being "infatuated" with him. Even though those memes were from after she moved out those feelings came from all the times they were together before that. She just felt free to start downloading them. But also agreed, if the one in a million chance she never told him of her feelings is true then her lying about it does not help. I can see why she would try to cover that in a sense. But all the evidence as a whole just doesn't add up to that being the case IMO...

Carissima posted 2/18/2020 16:30 PM

I'm slightly confused - what happened to the OM? Your "friend" just seemed to disappear from your narrative.

random123 posted 2/18/2020 16:33 PM

After I told his wife that he and my wife went on a private 3 hour thingy he said some stupid stuff to me. I believed nothing happened on that hike so I was kind to him. But he was being an ass and made it clear he felt I was making everything up and this is all on me. He never contacted me again. As time went on things became more clearer to me so obviously I've had no interest in contacting him either.

Technically he admitted "I shouldn't have done what i did last night" but then went into "look at all you're doing & you need to take a hard look at yourself" type stuff. He's a piece of work. And yes, the poster earlier nailed it on the head. Clearly a predator and wasn't his first nor his last.

[This message edited by random123 at 4:35 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

Marz posted 2/18/2020 16:45 PM

Clearly a predator and wasn't his first nor his last.

While that maybe true your wife made a decision to let him in.

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