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I messed up

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gmc94 posted 2/18/2020 22:01 PM

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

he needs to tell my sister they have till the end of March to move
No, you need to do this. She is YOUR sister, this is YOUR responsibility.

I apologize if this is harsh, but it is time to start behaving like an adult.

You are telling your BH that you are strong enough to work on yourself, become a safe partner, find some empathy for him, etc., yet you then say you are not even strong enough to tell your own sister that she must move out of YOUR home immediately? In other words, you are supposed to be setting clear boundaries about your behavior, yet you are not willing to set a reasonable boundary with your sister...

You say you will do anything, and then focus on whether there is a guarantee.

Can you see how your words don't even match your words?
What needs to be happening is that your ACTIONS match your words.

Healing from an A is scary and painful stuff, and requires a lot of strength and courage.

Marie23 posted 2/18/2020 23:33 PM

That is true.. yes adulting isn't fun. I am really going to start working on myself to make myself a better person.

Marie23 posted 2/19/2020 21:24 PM

Well my husband told me that he is completely done and he just wants to be friends

nightmare01 posted 2/19/2020 22:55 PM

Well my husband told me that he is completely done and he just wants to be friends

It's not the end - friends can, with time and care, become more.

My WW and I are like that.
After Dday I wanted a lot from her - but she never did much of what I asked. Timeline: no. Throwing OM under the bus: no. Answering my questions: no (std answer: I don't remember). Her version of R was stopping the affair... that was it.

I stayed because - I guess I was needy, but I also worried about my daughters being around either her OM, or some other guy if he was shoved aside. There's a high rate of abuse among step fathers. I also had pulled myself up from abject poverty and made something of myself, and didn't want to give more than half away (plus child support and alimony) to her as a reward for her affair.

Anyway - we're still together, and were fine. WW says she loves me now - I respond in kind. But I think the ability to love is broken in me now. I like her. We're friends. And I think that's enough.

IMO after an affair we shouldn't expect the relationship to return to what it was. Still though, it can be good and satisfying.

Marie23 posted 2/19/2020 23:55 PM

I love him so much..and I know it's my fault that he doesn't wanna be with me.. but I really thought we could make it through it's only been 4 months since I d day and I told him it takes longer then that. But he is one when he has his mind set that's what is happening. I wanna respect him and be friends but it's hard when I really wanna be with him.

nightmare01 posted 2/20/2020 00:07 AM

I love him so much..and I know it's my fault that he doesn't wanna be with me.. but I really thought we could make it through it's only been 4 months since I d day and I told him it takes longer then that. But he is one when he has his mind set that's what is happening. I wanna respect him and be friends but it's hard when I really wanna be with him.

I'm sorry that you're in pain, but (and again sorry) I have to say that this was a consequence you were aware of when you had your affair.

Respect his wishes, but at the same time know that a friendship is a good place to start a NEW relationship. Use that, and build on it. All is not lost. It sorta reminds me of how a tornado blows through a town - houses are destroyed, but they can be rebuilt - and many times are stronger than they were before. It would have been nice if the tornado hadn't hit, like that town, a marriage will never be the same after suffering infidelity. I won't say that the town, or your marriage will be better - because it won't - instead it will be different, which can be as good as you want it to be.

Marie23 posted 2/20/2020 00:24 AM

That's what I am hoping for.

Marie23 posted 2/20/2020 05:50 AM

So last night my husband started to touch me and goes this didn't mean anything and I looked at him and said u don't have any butterflies right now. He shrugged and started to kiss me. And then when I went to go to bed he came up too and he brought up something about our separation and if he didn't drive me into work how would I get there and I told him idk. He then looked back and lifted the blankets and said this is the only time.. we cuddled while we fell asleep... But I didn't even ask to do that and he offered

Zugzwang posted 2/20/2020 06:45 AM

You need to grow up and you need to do it fast. You might not be a people pleaser.

I am going to tell him that he needs to tell my sister they have till the end of March to move so we can figure out everything with us because she will just keep walking all over me and I know she would listen if he says something.
You are just simply too afraid. You need to tell people. Not your husband. You need to say no.

Really?

jealous because she is pretty and gets reactions to her posts and comments on Facebook and I don't..
No, offense do you even hear yourself? You are jealous over facebook likes? Explore you self esteem issues and not to be cruel---immaturity. Your a grown woman now. Married for 9 years. Life isn't a highschool popularity contest. Why do you even look or care about face book likes? You are married.


I told him that if he feels there is no hope for us that he needs to tell me because then I will stop trying
I want to try fighting for us for our love but I don't want to do it if it's just going to be pointless he then said sure I asked him if I had any chance of winning him back and he said I don't,

Just no no no. This isn't about you winning something. This isn't about you not putting in work unless you get something in return. That is selfish. That is immature. You do it because it is right, not because you get something out of it.

I want to try fighting for us for our love but
That but at the end proves that you don't want to do the work unless YOU get a payoff. If, you do get divorced...that person you are now is brought into the next relationship. It will not work out either. You need to choose to do hard work and suck it up in feeling uncomfortable while doing it even if you don't get a payoff. Which is all part of growing up.

You must let go of the outcome. You must stop focusing on him and fix you. You haven't done that at all. You still have all the same character issues that lead you here to begin with.

You aren't brave enough to say no, your self esteem issues, and your coping skills.

Fix you.

HellFire posted 2/20/2020 07:21 AM

Betrayed spouse's often say it's over. It's part of the rollercoaster.

If you want it to be over, then give up. Otherwise,keep fighting for him.


What work are you doing on yourself?

Also...asking if he has butterflies? Uh,probably not. He's in pain,and the woman he loves gave herself to another man. The butterflies are dead. The fact that he is touching you at all,needs to be enough for now. Trust that he is fighting mind movies,but is working through them, because,although it hurts, he wants to touch you.

Marie23 posted 2/20/2020 08:01 AM

It was so nice to have him kiss me and be ok for me to hold him while we slept.. he has been smoking since the day I told him so he says he is able to cope with things because he is high. But I am starting to watch him play his video games and watch YouTube with him and I did start smoking with him and that's when things feel normal again

Marie23 posted 2/20/2020 08:12 AM

At the moment I am studying for my permit so I can get that done and start driving. I am also looking for a car

HellFire posted 2/20/2020 08:37 AM

Ok. What work are you doing on yourself to be safe?

Having a license to drive,has nothing to do with whatever inside you said it was ok to cheat.

Marie23 posted 2/20/2020 12:31 PM

So in August my husband was really distant and I didn't know why I kept asking and he wasn't answering and then eventually his ring was off and I was confused because I thought everything between us was really good he finally told me it was because I wasn't spending a lot of time with him he wasn't sure if he he was wondering how it would be to be single and I said to him and I if you need some time to figure out what you want then we can take a break I said just so you can clear your mind or figure out if this is really what you want and he's like well I have to think about it and he would never tell me and then when I thought things were getting better between us he so I still don't know if I want to take a break or not and then he started getting distant with the word I love you and it started really hurting I don't have a lot of girlfriends so the ones I was trying to get ahold never answered their phone and that day no one picked up but Billy my husbands best friend said he would come get me and we could talk and just get out of the house.. and a little background with our friendships is we are all so close so my husband would flirt with my best friend which I didn't care and I did it to his best friend and he didn't care cuz we all trust each other... So when I called billy I never thought of anything like that happening.. I knew he didn't have sex for almost a year and then I guess with the flirting we were so used to doing that maybe he grew feelings and went about it the wrong way.. I have had a few dreams about me and him but I would have never actually tried doing something in real life.. first off I'm to chicken and I've only ever been with my husband so when billy started to put his hand down I did put my hand on top of his and said we shouldn't and he kept going and that's when I froze up and started thinking this can't be real this would never actually be happening and when he penetrated that's when I came to my senses and freaked and stopped it because I realized it was real.. so not even 30 seconds of it.. and I told billy this would never happen again and it didn't. But I am working on those things that my husband brought to my attention in August and trying to fix them.. working on me pyshocoloically because I know I need to learn to breathe instead of snapping on him right away..

HellFire posted 2/20/2020 12:36 PM

I suggest you start another thread, asking other waywards what work you should be doing on yourself. You don't seen to have any idea what this entails.

Zugzwang posted 2/20/2020 16:32 PM


Looking at this with the "butterfly" thing....you asked because you want reassurance that he loves you, wants you...Do you really think that is important right now? Would you want him and love him if the tables were turned? Hell, I don't think most of the BS even like us after Dday.

The reality is we aren't even their friend. A stranger on the street walking by is better than us at this time. At least they never stabbed them in the back. Do you get that, a complete stranger is a better friend than their own spouse. Let that sink in, be mindful of that the next time YOU want reassurance that he wants you. Because you have already proven and done that, that you didn't want him by choosing to cheat.


You want to work on yourself...try addressing the flirting issues. IMO that is a problem right there. Why do you need to flirt? Be honest with yourself.

Marie23 posted 2/27/2020 07:25 AM

We have been getting along with each other. But I don't know how he sees it in his eyes. Everyone who sees us together says we look normal. He has been joking a lot about having a side piece. He told me last night he had a lot on his mind and he wanted to be alone when he got home from work.. he came in the room and I told him to come here and I hugged him cuz I know he had a rough day at work.. I asked him if he stopped at Sheetz cuz I smelled it and he said yes come down and have some. Then he told me about what happened at work.. before he came home from work he shared this on Facebook something I learned about people if they do it once they'll do it again... And I know it's towards me. That made me think even more he didn't wanna spend time with me but we did. I fell asleep downstairs while he was playing a game and mind you he has put single on his Facebook two weeks ago.. he posted this I think the biggest flaw in dating me is that I need a lot of reassurance because my anxiety and past experience have Convinced me that you dont actually want me and that you'll just end up leaving like everyone else does... So it makes me wonder is that a hint for me or is it just for anyone in general.. even though he has single we have been intimate and still spending time together. So with that post it makes me wonder with out 9 years coming up Sunday should I get him a simple card I was thinking of even being cute and maybe popping the tent up down in basement since it's cold out and I know he really wants to go camping.. even two weeks ago I wrote a love letter to him but I was told by a few people not to give it to him because last week he was trying to say I'm forcing him into staying with me. And I'm not I'm just trying to win his love back by doing little things. I don't ask him to sleep with me or sometimes kiss me he does it on his own and tells me ur welcome like I'm asking for it but I'm not..

HellFire posted 2/27/2020 08:02 AM

Anniversaries are extremely painful for a BS. Especially the first one after dday. I mean, wth are we even celebrating? A marriage that you cared so little about that you screwed someone else??

The standard advice is to ask your BS what They want to do, then do exactly that.

And you really need to work on your need for constant reassurance. Its doing you no favors.

Marie23 posted 2/27/2020 08:30 AM

I will see what happens.. and he posted about the reassurance like he needs to be proved that someone loves him and they aren't going to leave. And I'm not leaving I'm fighting for us.... I understand I let another man touch me and it was the worst mistake I could have ever made because I am crazy about my husband. It's a scary moment when a person you thought you could go to for advice and help you through things decides he sees you as something else and trys something... I really appreciate everybody's help through this

Lalagirl posted 2/27/2020 08:50 AM

You should send your BH here so he can get some very needed support.

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