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I messed up

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Marie23 posted 2/14/2020 13:21 PM

I have so much going on right now I just don't know how to handle it anymore so here's my story in 2011 me and my husband started dating we were in ninth grade we pretty much said I love you right away we fought a lot because we didn't live near each other he finally moved near me the following year 2012, that same year we had sex for the first time, he was my first. I ended up breaking up with him for another guy around Christmas he fought for me the entire time but I hung out with him the entire time to we were sleeping together everything and I broke up with the other guy so I could go back with my husband. we did really good for the next few years and then in 2014 we graduated high school and he asked me to marry him I moved in with him at his grandmother's then we moved out a year later 2 years later we ended up getting married in 2017 and it was Rocky because at first before we got married I wasn't sure if I was making the right decision but then I read a few books and then I knew this is what I wanted he's everything to me I love him so much I don't treat him the greatest and he doesn't treat me the greatest at times but together I feel we fit.. after we got married we bought a house we have now been in it for 2 years and not entire time we've been living here we have let his brother move in and he left, I let my best friend move in we kicked her out and then we were doing really good and then I allowed my sister to move in.. I made sure it was going to be okay with my husband first and he said that he didn't care. he did care and I wish he would have told me that because a few months later he wasn't sure if you wanted to be with me anymore he stopped saying I love you he took his wedding ring off I was shattered so I was trying to fix it I was trying to do everything to fix our marriage and I was starting to give up it was so hard for me I didn't know what to do so I had a few people that I was talking to help me through I usually go to his best friend he's pretty much my best friend too he knows everything about us. and one day when I was really broken down I got ahold of him cuz he usually can help me so he picked me up we went and talked and he ended up touching me sexually and I allowed it but the only reason I allowed it was because I froze up I didn't know what to do and my husband was my first I never had another guy touch me it was scary when his hands started going down my pants I did put my hand there I said we shouldn't and he kept going and that's when I I froze and he ended up going further and when he penetrated it wasn't even 30 seconds until I freaked out and I pushed off because then I realized it really wasn't a dream anymore this was real life I got scared I just wanted to go home and we promise not to tell my husband about it but two months later I couldn't do it anymore I had to tell him.. so I sat down and I told him everything why I did it, why it happened, when and who. he was heartbroken he didn't yell and that's what I was scared about it, was more disappointed and seeing that tear roll down his face killed me I did not know what to do my insides were falling apart. I regret it so much. when he's at work he said he wanted to be friends that he couldn't handle it but we were still sleeping together we were still kissing things were still really normal and we started seem like we were going really good for the past month I was getting happy again feeling like everything was good and then he said that he was done he changed his relationship status on Facebook to single he does talk to me still he takes me to work still he still packs my lunch for me in the morning but he does feel distant and I hate it I don't like it because before when he would say he was done and he wanted to be friends he would still wrap his arms around me and still kiss me and he would tell me he is going downstairs and give me that look of are u coming... but I'm scared that I am truly losing him and I just want him I'm doing everything I possibly can... He smokes pot to help with his anxiety and he says that's the only reason he is getting through this.. I'm hoping when my sister moves out in the next month things will get better but I don't know... Please help

Hippo16 posted 2/14/2020 17:57 PM


Weekends are slower in terms of number of posts (SI persons reading) - Others will be posting and you will get a lot of information and feedback.

You sound very young - a new experience can be confusing and cause you to be unsure what to do.

That is ok.

The "friend" is NOT a friend and needs to be removed from your life/social circle/family NOW.

I suggest writing a time line for your husband and also to give him lots of time to digest what you have done.

It is good that you confessed -

Going forward you should endeavor to be 100% truthful. Lies are harder to remember and eventually truth will out.

Good luck and don't give up trying to fix yourself.

Start reading the threads here - JFO in particular to get some idea what your husband may be dealing with. Wayward to get a perspective of how to deal with what you have done and long term how things can work out.

Crushed7 posted 2/15/2020 18:49 PM


Your H (husband) has a lot to sort through and you should do whatever you can to help -- whether that is giving him space, providing details should he ask or trying to put yourself in his shoes and being as empathetic as you can. He'll need to come to a decision on whether he'll give you a chance at that or not. For now, he is giving you a chance -- he is still around, still bringing you to work, still packing your lunch, etc. which is a HUGE step given the situation.

In the middle of all of that, the reality is that can't fix him or the marriage by yourself. You only control you. But, at the moment, you are focused on doing whatever you can to retain him and the marriage. My suggestion would be to stop being solely focused on that and to start investing a lot of effort into yourself.

Just from your account, you've always had a guy in your life ever since the beginning of high school. Additional, you broke up with your now H in high school to pursue another guy but then, for a while, continued being in a relationship with him while having another guy in your life. In your marriage, you did the same thing -- you had both your H and his best friend in your life emotionally, and eventually, physically. Those are patterns and they are good places to start digging. Why do you seem to need someone in your life? And why is it OK to be involved emotionally/physically with 2 guys at the same time? There is likely something you are seeking (attention, approval, a sense of worth, etc.) that stems from your life before you even met your H. I say all this not to be harsh, but because sorting this all out and getting started down a path of understanding/healing is the best thing for you and about the only thing that can contribute to being able to have a solid relationship in the future.

I'm sorry that you are here, but I believe you'll find that you are understood, cared for and challenged to do what is best for you.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 6:50 PM, February 15th (Saturday)]

Zugzwang posted 2/16/2020 08:23 AM

I don't treat him the greatest and he doesn't treat me the greatest at times but together I feel we fit.

This statement sums up all your issues. You settle for not great. For not being treated great and for not treating others great. Why?

Why do you think that "fits"? Could it be you don't have to held accountable to be better. To feel better and work hard on yourself because you can sit in complacency with someone else that isn't treating others great like you?

Unfortunately I am just going to say what most might say, you two were still too young to marry. Neither of you grew up enough to mature in a relationship. Let alone to mature and be enough for yourselves. Which is evident in the settling for just "fitting" together despite the fact that neither of you treated the other great.

To what you might think is an affair. Maybe EA, because you used this friend of his as a sounding board when you should have been turning to your husband. IMO it sounds more like rape with the incident. This experience obviously hurt you. Get into therapy with a good IC experienced with trauma. IDK. We have had WS here before that have changed that story over time as they chose to become more truthful with themselves and realized they put themselves out there to start a sexual encounter at the time they wanted it going into it, then changed their mind as it was happening or felt awful after it happened. Though it doesn't matter because you said stop and he didn't. You have to be truthful with yourself about that. A good IC can help you dig through that.

Why does your sister living there make him so withdrawn?

Marie23 posted 2/16/2020 12:33 PM

I appreciate everything everyone has brought to my attention. I know I shouldn't think it's ok to not be treated the greatest and I know I do the same.. and it something that my sister and I both have gotten from our mother and I am Trying to work on treating him better. Back when I broke up with him in high school for the other guy I was never physical with him only with my husband.. and I know it still wasn't good for me to do that considering I was dating another guy.. but I am always drawn to my husband. I also don't like to be alone.. my husband has a hard time with my sister living there because when her boyfriend is over and screams at my niece or even his kids or my sister and her boyfriend fight it brings back his childhood and gives him ptsd

Zugzwang posted 2/16/2020 12:46 PM

Then, your sister needs to leave. Put your husband and family first.

Marie23 posted 2/16/2020 14:02 PM

Yes I'm hoping my sister will be leaving soon.. she knows we want them out but I have sat down and looked at the financials and until her one loan is gone she will have a hard time paying rent.. and thank God the loan ends very soon

NeverWillAgain posted 2/16/2020 16:39 PM

Then set the rule that her boyfriend is not welcome in the house as a condition of staying. She can go visit him. You are allowing your sister to put her life above yours and your husbands. Your house, your rules.

Marie23 posted 2/16/2020 17:05 PM

I have told her if he doesn't change his attitude when he is around my husband will end up snapping... And he has been better

NeverWillAgain posted 2/16/2020 17:34 PM

I know it's uncomfortable to deal with a problem like this. But, how does you husband feel? Would he say, not that "he's better", but he doesn't have a problem with him being there? If your husband is the least bit uncomfortable, then you need to lay the law down and tell her he can't come over, in my opinion. Being better doesn't sound like he's actually behaving, just not as bad as before.

Marie23 posted 2/17/2020 08:29 AM

It's more of that he wants all of them out and not just her boyfriend but he just wants it to be his home again because he doesn't feel like it is his and I agree sometimes. but last week he was saying that he doesn't even think things would change if they do move between us and I really do think they would change because then we don't have to be careful what we do. and then if its just us we can do whatever we want in our home. it's not like we can't do things when my sister is home.. I feel like my husband's not comfortable being in the living room watching a movie instead of down in the basement watching. he used to make dinner every night but then he went third shift but when he can make something my sister says about it not being healthy.. I told him if he wants to make something it's your house it's your kitchen if she doesn't like what ur cooking she can make something else.. I am trying my hardest to get them out.. it just sucks when it's family and they have no where else to go.. I really wanna try winning my husbands love back. When I ask him anything on what does he miss with us or even if he doesn't want me coming downstairs with him all the time to tell me that. But he is just quiet.. cuz he says he wants a break but yet he still makes slight hints he wants to hang out.. I was also straight forward with him and told him it's going to be hard for me to give him space because I love spending time with him

Zugzwang posted 2/17/2020 09:49 AM

have told her if he doesn't change his attitude when he is around my husband will end up snapping..

You can't make other people change. He will not. You both as a couple just need to tell him he isn't welcome.

I told him if he wants to make something it's your house it's your kitchen if she doesn't like what ur cooking she can make something else..
Telling your sister to tell her BF to change his attitude. Telling your husband to tell your sister to make something else. You sound really passive aggressive about it. You need to be firm. Stop being a people pleaser and put your family first.

You said till she pays the loan off it will be hard. Tuff, it is hard then. Not impossible? Life is hard. We have had my brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and father-in-law living with us at one point or another at different times. We laid ground rules about them being guests. They are welcome to eat what we do. Otherwise, they can provide for themselves. We didn't give up our living room for them. They stayed in the library and used laptops if they wanted to watch something else. They cleaned up after themselves. They didn't stay past 3 months. Plenty of time to save up money when you don't have rent, insurance, or mortgage to pay.

Marie23 posted 2/17/2020 18:05 PM

That is one thing that I am bad with I wanna make sure everyone else is happy around me and there is no confirtation between anyone... These past four days we haven't ate anything my sister made we ate what my husband made ( there was also a lot of leftovers so we are that) 😂 I am trying my hardest to change into a better person because I know I'm not perfect.. maybe once I fix myself I will have a better chance of fixing my marriage

gmc94 posted 2/17/2020 21:39 PM

Your sister must go. Like, yesterday.

That is too much stress to take on in the midst of a dday.

It’s a recipe for someone to snap

She is an adult and needs to figure out her own financial situation.

If you or your BH had cancer and the doctor said it was IMPERATIVE that you/BH live in a zero stress home environment during immediate treatment or the survival rate would drop by 60%, would you respond with “but my sister has loans to pay”.

Zugzwang posted 2/18/2020 06:00 AM

You are not going to save the marriage till you put him first. Don't be surprised if there is plenty of room soon when your husband moves out. You are having an affair with you getting to feel good about being a KISA. That is clearly the most important thing to you in his eyes right now. Till you finally say no, this will be the hotel for everyone.

Marie23 posted 2/18/2020 07:54 AM

So I talked to my husband last night and he told me if I work on not being so crazy when he tells me that he doesn't want to be with me that would help the situation a little more.. I told him that if he feels there is no hope for us that he needs to tell me because then I will stop trying and he says nothing and when I tell him if he gets bothered by me spending time with him to tell me. I finally told him that I'm jealous of his one coworker and I trust him that he isn't doing anything but I'm jealous because she is pretty and gets reactions to her posts and comments on Facebook and I don't.. I know it shouldn't matter and that shouldnt get to me and I am working on that. I feel our love is strong enough to get through but I guess I was wrong, and he just looks at me he says I can you see hope.. so my thing is should I keep proving to him how much he means to me and doing little things for him still? Our anniversary is coming up (not our wedding one) we have been together for 9 years and I wanna do something for him but idk what. I was thinking of putting candles in our room or put candles going down to the basement and have his favorite movie playing with popcorn maybe set up our tent in the basement and have a "campout" since we really wanna go camping.. what do you guys think I should do??

Marie23 posted 2/18/2020 16:04 PM

I asked him today if we were taking a break or separating and he said he guessed both I then I said to him do you really don't want to be with me anymore do you he said maybe I then went on to say do you want me to leave you alone or do you still enjoy me spending time with you he said he's not going to tell me what I can and cannot do. I said if you do you still enjoy me spending time with you he's like sure then I said to him that I want to try fighting for us for our love but I don't want to do it if it's just going to be pointless he then said sure I asked him if I had any chance of winning him back and he said I don't, I said I will do anything to win your love back he said I c and I sent him I'm so sorry I will give you space... my sister talked to him and she said that he said pretty much what she thought he was going to say and I said well does it seem like I have a chance and she said do not try winning him back right now...

HellFire posted 2/18/2020 16:19 PM

Do you love him? Then show him. Stop asking him to tell you what you need to do. If you love him, then fight for him. You don't want to do it if it's pointless??? How about you do it because it might make him feel better? How about you do it because it might make him change his mind? How about you do it because you have traumatize this man, and he loves you, and he is unsure of you, for good reason, and because you have told him you're not going to do anything unless he gives you some kind of guarantee.

You told him you're jealous of his coworker, because she's pretty and because he gives her a thumbs up on Facebook sometimes? Really? You had an affair, and you're going to tell him that you're jealous of a co-worker because she's pretty???

You need to get your sister out of there. You are a married couple. You need to not have a roommate, and he needs to be able to process this without your sister being involved.

If you love your husband, then start acting like it. This is about helping to heal the damage you have caused. Show your husband you love him, even if he can't give you a guarantee right now. Or don't. And lose him.

Marie23 posted 2/18/2020 19:00 PM

Thank you.. I am going to give him space but also make sure he knows that I still love him and care about him unconditionally. I am going to tell him that he needs to tell my sister they have till the end of March to move so we can figure out everything with us because she will just keep walking all over me and I know she would listen if he says something. I know I told him that but I had to be honest of how I felt and I told him that I am sorry that I feel this way about her but I trust you that you wouldnt do anything. Because I do have a lot of trust in him

HellFire posted 2/18/2020 19:33 PM

No. You need to tell her to leave. Not him.

You have a lot of work to do on yourself. Part of that is being strong and assertive. She's your sister. Asking him to tell her to leave,puts him in the position of being the bad guy. You need to tell her you love her, but you are an adult and your marriage is in crisis, and you need her to move out. If she won't listen,make her listen.

Adulting isn't easy. But it's necessary.

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