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She wont let me see texts, email, Facebook..

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sorryforeverythi posted 2/14/2020 12:28 PM

There is no point trying. You have two choices as stated before.

Accept her as the cheater she is and just try and stay sane.

Divorce her and start over.

My exe pulled the we should be able to have secrets crap. No you really shouldn't. A marriage is a union of two, all things should be shared.

She is unwilling to let you see the texts from someone she isn't seeing anymore. Doesn't make sense.

She is either still seeing him, did much more than you know about or is trying to convince him to take her in.

All this leads to the same conclusion. She doesn't want you and she picked someone else.

File for divorce and put in the papers. Your marriage is over you just don't see it yet.

Dennyden posted 2/14/2020 15:31 PM

I followed some of the advice given here. I told my WW that I needed to see these things in order to start rebuilding trust. After some feeble arguing on her part, she gave in and let me see whatever I wanted.
There was nothing there b/t her and the OM.
I felt relieved and anxious at the same time b/c I immediately suspected that she has a secret phone or deleted anything incriminating. IDK. I'm so glad I found this site. TY for everything. It's been almost 6 months and I see how long the road ahead of me is.
I have to work up to the point where I can file papers. I cant even guess how she'd react.

Thumos posted 2/14/2020 15:35 PM

She likely deleted it and/or has a burner phone. You gave her time to scrub it. Ask to run recovery software on it (Fonelab).

And if you haven’t yet VAR her car.

The fact that she wouldn’t let you see it in the first place is an almost certain indication of cheating.

Jameson1977 posted 2/14/2020 15:42 PM

Yup, she scrubbed the phone. Tell her you will be taking her phone to a professional to have the deleted material recovered and watch her reaction.

I bet she comes through with some more information, and once she's done, that will be "everything". BS, cheaters lie, a lot.

faithfulman posted 2/14/2020 16:27 PM

You've given her to much advance warning already.

Don't alert her in any way that it is possible to recover deleted data from a phone. If you do then she'll factory reset or wipe the phone.

Get the phone from her again, and then run Fonelab on it - away from her.

survrus posted 2/14/2020 17:02 PM

Denny,

You wrote, After some feeble arguing on her part, she gave in and let me see whatever I wanted.
There was nothing there b/t her and the OM.

If there was anything on the phone you would have gotten ferocious fighting, instead she just confirmed not only the affair, but that none of the communication could be left for you to see.

Next step write out a timeline then polygraph.

[This message edited by survrus at 5:03 PM, February 14th (Friday)]

sorryforeverythi posted 2/14/2020 17:14 PM

If she has signal or some other app on her phone she is using that to talk to him. Depending on the phone she might have buried it somewhere so you would need to do a search to actually find it.

ChamomileTea posted 2/14/2020 17:21 PM

Sometimes you can get at least a partial on the texts by running text recovery software. Whatever is deleted from Facebook is gone though. Make sure you check the trash in her email, but chances are good she's emptied it.

ETA: Don't forget to look for evidence of new email accounts. Lots of cheaters open up a special, secret account just for cheating. Check for apps recently downloaded from her app store too. Sometimes, they reload them and then clear them off again before they come home.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 5:23 PM, February 14th (Friday)]

Robert22205https posted 2/14/2020 19:31 PM

It's typical for them to delete all evidence so they can just admit to what they think you know.

Remember she destroyed your trust.

You can't believe anything she says until she rebuilds your trust. Rebuilding trust requires 'action' on her part (e.g.,like showing you her phone) which you can visually confirm because you can no longer believe her words.

It will take years.

To the extent she's uncomfortable with the actions required to rebuild trust (and ashamed of the details), that falls under the category of 'consequences' due to her behavior.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 7:36 PM, February 14th (Friday)]

Happenedtome2 posted 2/15/2020 09:26 AM

Sorry to see you here, but the advice you have already been given is dead on.
You did give her too much time to delete everything and allowing her any kind of heads up as far as running recovery software will only cause her to clam up. If you don't have it already, get her password, run the software and go from there. Worst case scenario you take the phone when she isn't paying attention and drop it off at a business that does recovery. It is expensive, but it will get just about everything back.
Most importantly, as others have stated, is ONLY YOU can decide how much you are willing to put up with. Dealing with further betrayal/lies/secrets should not be in the equation. It can be difficult to take a hard line, but it will pay off whether it means you move on or you repair.

Crushed7 posted 2/15/2020 09:35 AM

Actions matter more than words.

It's easy for her to make promises. But her actions showed that her promise was just a lie.

It's easy for her to get mad and try to shift blame onto you for trying to violate her "privacy". But her actions show that she isn't willing to do what is needed to be accountable and to rebuild trust.

The bottom line is that she is being self-centered, deceitful and manipulative. Her actions and attitudes tell the story that she isn't remorseful and is looking for ways to either continue to cheat or to have you rugsweep what she has done.

TimSC posted 2/15/2020 12:54 PM

Denny,

Maybe I missed it but was the affair EA or PA?

How long did it last?

How did you find out about it?

Is OM a friend or coworker?

If there was nothing on any of her electronics between her and OM, she either deleted everything which means she is still hiding somethings from you or she used other communication means and the affair might still be ongoing.

Dismayed2012 posted 2/17/2020 15:42 PM

"I want to stay with her but this is something that pushes her away...what should I do?"

She's given you some access but in order to shock her into reality you should get separation paperwork together, sit down with her and divide your assets and liabilities. Use this paperwork to have a post-nuptial agreement drawn up. Then you both sign, notarize, and file it with your marriage license. If at some future date she decides to spread her legs again for someone else, go to a divorce lawyer with the signed agreement and have her served with divorce papers. This puts you in control of your own future. Take care of yourself.

Dennyden posted 2/17/2020 18:57 PM

I'm working up myself up to a place where I can start doing these uncomfortable things. What about my children? A whole separate problem. God I hate all of this

Marz posted 2/17/2020 20:20 PM

You want the truth.

Do a deleted text recovery on her phone.

Fonelab, etc there are systems that can recover.

Cheater lie a lot and cover there tracks if possible

Beachwalker posted 2/17/2020 20:51 PM

Denny: You operate on your time schedule. I know it took me months to settle down. In that timeframe, however, I was constantly discovering new facts (ie – boyfriends, meeting places, activities, etc.). The advice given here is very valuable, so implement what works in your situation. For some items, time is of the essence, as you have seen with the deleted phone information. For other stuff, you can take your time. The most important thing is take some time for yourself and breathe. This is a lot, and it’s all a big deal. Hang in there. You can do it!

ChamomileTea posted 2/17/2020 22:03 PM

One of the worst things about infidelity is that the fear and anxiety of the unknown can be almost paralyzing. It feels like the path ahead of you suddenly falls away, and there's nothing but blackness ahead. But feelings aren't facts, Denny. If you just keep taking small steps forward, the path eventually reasserts itself.

It's scary to think about divorce, but the fact is that we only have ONE tool in our arsenal as BS's, and that's our adamant refusal to share our mate. So, as uncomfortable as it might be to think about divorce, creatively visualizing what a divorce might look like can have the valuable effect of removing the fear from it. There's a thread in the Separation/Divorce section called "Fear vs. Reality". I went ahead and bumped it for you, but you can copy and paste this link:
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=497843

What you begin to see is that divorce is almost uniformly terrifying to people who've been caught flat-footed by adultery. And yet, as they move into the process, their fears fall away. We have TONS of divorced people posting here who don't regret their decision one iota. And few (if any) who divorced and did regret it. By the same token, we have a number of people in R whose marriages have become merely functional and not particularly satisfying emotionally, so it's not unheard of to see people in R who wish they had moved right to D.

The important thing is to move past the fear to the point where you feel like you can act in your own best interest whether you eventually choose R or D. Making peace with your choice is so much harder if you don't feel like you actually made one. And yet it becomes an important component in healing... to fully own your choice.

So, my suggestion to you would be to work with your therapist to resolve your anxiety surrounding divorce, read that thread I bumped for you and actively NOTICE other people who are divorced and content. And also to creatively visualize what your life might be like if you could be divorced and still have a comfortable and satisfying life. And if you're feeling bold... go see an attorney and find out what your financial outlook would be.

Don't beat yourself up about being nervous. We have ALL been there and most of us felt like basket-cases until we got our bearings. Just hang on to the belief that you're going to be alright, no matter what happens. Because heck, we're all here to prove that infidelity IS survivable. Do see a doctor if depression is settling in though.

Strength to you.

squid posted 2/18/2020 08:13 AM

Denny,

I'm working up myself up to a place where I can start doing these uncomfortable things. What about my children? A whole separate problem. God I hate all of this

I just went through what you are experiencing now. I completely understand your fears. But you can and will get through this. You just have to have a plan of action and follow through with it.

Your WW will be reactionary and yell and berate you. Stay focused and just power through.

Your kids will ultimately see that you are standing up for yourself and will not accept being disrespected any further. They only need one stable, strong parent in their lives. You can be that parent and model what acceptable behavior in relationships should look like.

You must accept that she is lying and still in the affair until she can adequately prove otherwise. But that's on her to prove, not you. She is clearly not behaving like someone that has your (or you kids) best interests at heart.

Stop playing infidelity police and get off this ride. You got this.

[This message edited by squid at 8:13 AM, February 18th, 2020 (Tuesday)]

Kintsugi posted 2/19/2020 07:08 AM

...stubborn about privacy like she always has?

This is the precursor to cheating. It keeps you at arms length to create the boundaries she wants in place so she can do what she wants to do. Been there, done that. Didn't see it at the time, but it's plain as day in retrospect.

Yep. My WW was using some sort of app that created a phone number that was both masked as another app and could be used to text to/from. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing...from the start. If she valued the M she would have given it to you right away, either way and moved heaven and earth, as they say, to save the M.

[This message edited by Kintsugi at 7:12 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

OrdinaryDude posted 2/19/2020 16:28 PM

One of the biggest conditions for R with my WW is her complete transparency in everything...all communications, location, finances.

If she were to ever decide that she does not want to do this then our M is over, no talking or explaining needed, just D as fast as possible.

If your WW is resistant to transparency, then she is not a viable candidate for R at this time.

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