I posted this in the wrong section. Reposting it here.
I'm almost six months out from finding out my wife was unfaithful to me and my heart is torn in half. I want to leave but I feel helplessness, despair and horror at the thought of not being with her. I feel fear, anger, humiliation and shame at the thought of staying.
Married 13 years.
3 kids.
D-Day: 8/27/2019
She had a relationship with the father of our son's best friend. I work 2 jobs. A full time job and a part time over night job on Fridays and Saturdays. We needed the money bad but the part time job was so much lost time. I had to sleep at some point, so I did so on Saturday and Sunday mornings when I got back from my shift.
I was withdrawn and tired. We stopped talking like we used to. Drifted apart and we both knew it. I invited him and his kids over for Memorial Day fun with the parade and get together in our back yard. The kids had a great time, so they got together again. And again. And Again. Usually when I was at work.
After about 2 months, on a Saturday morning when I was resting on the couch, she told me she was going shopping, but went to see him. Their first time together. They got together numerous times in the next 2 months.
D-Day was August 27th, 2019. I got a new phone and asked her if I could see hers to copy the contacts. I saw text messages between the 2 of them. Rather graphic and descriptive about what they liked about each other, etc. She sent him pictures from lingerie catalogs, asking him if he would like to see her in the items shown.
I freak out. Can't believe it because since we got married, even though we both were drifting from one another, the only thing I was Absolutely Certain of was that she would always be there.
When confronted she confessed. She wasn't harsh or mean to me but she was completely unapologetic.
She said she loves me, but not In Love with me. She LOVES him and is IN LOVE with him.
The month of September was absolute hell. Before I found out, she told him that she would never leave me. It was only sex and friendship. As long as I didn't know, she could have both of us. After I found out, she had to choose between us because she knew she couldn't have both. She wanted to choose him but couldn't decide.
Awful. Awful. Awful. Constant Crying. I've never felt that bad or worthless in my life. She continued to sleep with him through that month and into October, until she finally said she would try to fix things with us.
Many ups and downs, back and forth since then.
When does this get better?
How can I trust her?
How do we fix things?
How do I be the man she wants to be with?
Should I just leave? Will she cheat again? I don't think I can handle the pain of finding out she is cheating on me again.
I ramble. Nothing helps.