"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

MickeyBill2016 posted 2/16/2020 14:29 PM

Well, she has made a few decisions without talking to you like having an affair and wanting a "trial separation".

You have had time to think about things and filing papers is not a bad idea. Better than waiting for her next decision, you make a decision. Start acting and not reacting.
It is a step out of infidelity that you are taking, if she wants to stop cheating that is up to her. Not you. If, and that's a big if she comes around then you stop the divorce, but I went thru with it.

There's a chance that being set free to be with her new BF will work for both of them. OTOH they both may like banging a part time side piece and when it becomes full time and you don;t care it may not be as exciting. Could go either way.

Freeme posted 2/17/2020 06:20 AM

If I decide to file papers, should I talk with her about it beforehand or without notice? She's asked for a trial separation. Is this helpful in reconciliation or just a way to start the divorce?

I'd work on the papers now and not say anything. The problem is that you arn't moving forward and I think waiting to talk to her, then waiting to discuss things, then wondering what she meant, then... will just slow down the process. Remember when you file that doen't mean its over. She might finally see the light and start working toward saving the marriage. If she doesn't she never would have and you would have continued in limbo.
Do not agree to a trial separation. This is just cheater speak for I want to continue to cheat but with out any consequences.

The goal is to get you out of infidelity. Filing will put you on that path. A trial separation will make things much worse.

Westway posted 2/17/2020 09:04 AM

File. Take back the control she has over you.

GoldenR posted 2/17/2020 09:29 AM

Anytime a WW asks for a trial separation, that's cheaterspeak for "I want to give my AP a trial run and be able to fuck him in peace. Abd as for you, BH, you will be my backup plan if I find him to not be life partner material."

File ASAFP, have her served and tell her she has until it's final to convince you to call it off.

jb3199 posted 2/17/2020 10:20 AM

Denny,

If you were to file papers, no, I would not recommend that you inform you wife. You are working on getting yourself out of infidelity, and that is one thing that you can do on your own. She fired you as her husband, and therefore is not obligated to receive such information.

As for the trial separation, it literally is one the the most common suggestions from a wayward. Unfortunately, it is literally a cliche. What is a trial separation going to do to help the marriage? She obviously can't work on the marriage if she is not there. You have known each other for over 13 years. Is it because she needs to 'clear her head' due to being in love with another man? And being away from you, and having direct access to the OM without your interference is somehow going to improve the marriage? It's nonsense, but par for the course around here. Don't accept it.

Denny, your need to find your righteous anger. You are not valuing yourself anywhere near the level you deserve. SHE should be the one shitting bricks that YOU may or may not even extend the grace to offer a chance at reconciliation. And for whatever screwed up rationale that goes on inside a wayward's mind, she is actually respecting you even less by letting her crap all over the marriage. She may or may not even want to return to the marriage, but I can virtually guarantee that the chances would be exponentially higher if she was shown firm boundaries and consequences from you. The answer to her suggestion of a trial separation? "In no way do I accept this idea. This marriage can't be worked on when apart, so I can only assume that you do not want to try. If you leave the home I will take the actions needed from my side to get myself out of infidelity....and this marriage."

That puts the onus right on her. Show her YOUR boundaries, and what she needs to do if you are to continue to participate.

Bladerunner2054 posted 2/17/2020 10:44 AM

DD

What everyone else said.

Divorce her cheating unrepentant ass.

squid posted 2/17/2020 10:49 AM

Dennyden,

Yup, file and detach.

I know you may be financially struggling. But you'll be abundantly better off not being married to an unapologetic, entitled cheater.

Find your anger and stay there. No you shouldn't leave. She should. Tell her to go shack up with her fuck-buddy if he's so goddam awesome. Have her bags packed for her and smack her in the back of the head with the divorce papers and never look back.

If she wants to be part of your marriage then she'll have to prove it every day for the rest of your life. Right now she's not doing jack shit. Save yourself the further devastation and remove her from your life.

BigMammaJamma posted 2/17/2020 10:50 AM

File. Take back the control she has over you.

Denny, it as if you are in a speedingcar that is out of control, careening from one side of the road to the other, bouncing off guard rails. It is only a matter of time where you spin wildly off the road, flip ten times in a fiery blaze with nothing but charred remains left behind. Except you are in the passenger seat and your sweet, innocent children are in the back, eyes wide open and watching it all. And your crazy-ass wife who does not care what happens to anyone in the car is behind the wheel.

YOU NEED TO GET IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT.

If you cannot muster it up for yourself, then for the love of god, do it for your children. This woman does not have anyone's interest in mind but her own. She thinks she has you in the palm of her hand right now. How exactly does that serve you OR your children? You need to put your heart on mute right now as it has having a hell of a time catching up to your brain and is interfering in your best interests.

GET BACK IN THE DRIVERS SEAT TODAY.

1. Make a list of stuff you want accomplished.
a. Talk to lawyer, understand what divorce looks like. Nothing soothes the gut better than understanding what your future looks like.
b. Go to the doctor. If you have anxiety/depression talk about treatment. If you are having trouble sleeping, understand how you can get help.
2. Get a support network of people who know what is going on and can help (family, friends). This is not your shame and there is no reason for you to shoulder it.
3.Eat food and drink water. I know you don't feel like it, but you need to make sure you are giving your body calories and water.
4. Get outside and move. You do not have to spend money to go have fun with your children. Go to a park, go to a library, go on a bike ride, just get outside the house and occupy yourself with something other than your own thoughts.

The most important thing for you to internalize is: You are not defined by your wife. You are a whole person who will exist, nay, thrive without your wife. You see, men who are willing to have sex with a married woman are unfortunately not that hard to find and aren't that special. Men who have integrity and character who put their wives and children above all, those men are truly special. I am sorry your wife is too foolish to see it.

You can do this Denny.

Walkingthewire posted 2/17/2020 11:11 AM

There is no privacy anymore. She torched that privilege.

Also if his wife did the same thing he and your wife are doing they deserve a special place in hell. I could never do this to another person. I don’t care how they wronged me. I can’t and won’t do it.
And it doesn’t take a huge issue to turn down an advance. I did yesterday. All it took was ‘I’m flattered but I’m married’ that’s all it took.

Start the D process. They deserve each other and you deserve so much better. And she’s out there.