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Heart Ripped in Half

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Dennyden posted 2/12/2020 14:27 PM

I posted this in the wrong section. Reposting it here.

I'm almost six months out from finding out my wife was unfaithful to me and my heart is torn in half. I want to leave but I feel helplessness, despair and horror at the thought of not being with her. I feel fear, anger, humiliation and shame at the thought of staying.
Married 13 years.
3 kids.
D-Day: 8/27/2019

She had a relationship with the father of our son's best friend. I work 2 jobs. A full time job and a part time over night job on Fridays and Saturdays. We needed the money bad but the part time job was so much lost time. I had to sleep at some point, so I did so on Saturday and Sunday mornings when I got back from my shift.

I was withdrawn and tired. We stopped talking like we used to. Drifted apart and we both knew it. I invited him and his kids over for Memorial Day fun with the parade and get together in our back yard. The kids had a great time, so they got together again. And again. And Again. Usually when I was at work.

After about 2 months, on a Saturday morning when I was resting on the couch, she told me she was going shopping, but went to see him. Their first time together. They got together numerous times in the next 2 months.

D-Day was August 27th, 2019. I got a new phone and asked her if I could see hers to copy the contacts. I saw text messages between the 2 of them. Rather graphic and descriptive about what they liked about each other, etc. She sent him pictures from lingerie catalogs, asking him if he would like to see her in the items shown.

I freak out. Can't believe it because since we got married, even though we both were drifting from one another, the only thing I was Absolutely Certain of was that she would always be there.

When confronted she confessed. She wasn't harsh or mean to me but she was completely unapologetic.
She said she loves me, but not In Love with me. She LOVES him and is IN LOVE with him.

The month of September was absolute hell. Before I found out, she told him that she would never leave me. It was only sex and friendship. As long as I didn't know, she could have both of us. After I found out, she had to choose between us because she knew she couldn't have both. She wanted to choose him but couldn't decide.

Awful. Awful. Awful. Constant Crying. I've never felt that bad or worthless in my life. She continued to sleep with him through that month and into October, until she finally said she would try to fix things with us.

Many ups and downs, back and forth since then.
When does this get better?
How can I trust her?
How do we fix things?
How do I be the man she wants to be with?
Should I just leave? Will she cheat again? I don't think I can handle the pain of finding out she is cheating on me again.
I ramble. Nothing helps.

Dennyden posted 2/12/2020 14:29 PM

Thank you to the ppl who posted replies in the other section. Some very helpful and sincere replies...:)

Newlifeisgreat posted 2/12/2020 14:37 PM

Why are you letting HER choose???

YOU are the one who makes the decision of staying with her or not!!

Dennyden posted 2/12/2020 14:43 PM

More info:
My wife said she is no longer seeing him or talking via phone or text. When I ask , she wont let me see her phone or FB or email, stating these things are private.
I tell her that it makes me nervous and suspicious and that it just looks like she is hiding something. A short time after I found out, she said she needed time and space to think about things. I said 'fine'. I asked her not to see him while she was taking this 'time-out'. She promised she would not, but then, apparently had 'good bye' sex with him. I don't know what to do. I feel like whatever I choose, I'm in for more suffering. If she has to think about divorce, she has something to look forward to in a new relationship with him. I'll be alone and broken.

My son and the other guy's son are still friends. I told my wife I could not allow any more play dates with the kids if he will be present. I don't want to keep them apart; won't punish them for things done by my wife and the other guy/friend's father. But this means I still have to look at him occasionally at school functions and stuff.

My wife has since got a part time job, allowing me to quit my 2nd job on the weekends. This has helped a lot, just having more time with my kids.

Stevesn posted 2/12/2020 14:47 PM

Is he married?

Dennyden posted 2/12/2020 14:59 PM

Hi Newlifeisgreat...
I feel like I'm still in the crisis stage or just shortly removed from it. I'm emotional and anxious all the time. IDK why I don't just leave. I know that if the roles were reversed, she would divorce me in a second if I had cheated on her...
I'm so damaged. I'm in individual counseling and it is helping but it's slow going. My insurance doesn't cover marriage counseling.
I feel like I have chosen to stay with her, but it's like it wasn't even a choice for me; leaving doesn't feel like an option because I'll be miserable. I'll be at work sometimes and just get weepy and sad.
IDK. I still love her and want to be happy with her and our children. Many happy times and good memories. But I feel like she doesn't love me the same way and is just waiting to see if things will improve, without being decisive about it...
I have these weird mood swings where I'm a crying wreck one day and the next I feel like I can survive and don't see the point of staying with her...

Xzy89c posted 2/12/2020 15:01 PM

Inform friends and family of this. Hopefully he is married. If so tell his spouse. Believe her, she is telling you who she is. Hard 180. Separate finance and get papers served. Until that you have no control.

Dennyden posted 2/12/2020 15:02 PM

Hi Stevesn...

OMG! I forgot the best part of my sob story...yes he was married, but the SAME THING happened to him! His wife found a boyfriend at work and cheated and divorced him.
He told me this within the 1st half hour after I met him for the first time and I actually consoled him about it...
He did the thing that destroyed him.

SlapNutsABingo posted 2/12/2020 15:12 PM

leaving doesn't feel like an option because I'll be miserable

What the Hell are you now?!? You have given her all the power in this broken mess. Stop being so damn weak and stand up for yourself. Start reading some of the posts from the BW's on here, a lot of them seem to do it right.

Promised no contact then had Goodbye Sex! What the sh!t man.....

beenthereinco posted 2/12/2020 15:23 PM

OMG! I forgot the best part of my sob story...yes he was married, but the SAME THING happened to him! His wife found a boyfriend at work and cheated and divorced him.
He told me this within the 1st half hour after I met him for the first time and I actually consoled him about it...
He did the thing that destroyed him.

I wouldn't believe anything the man said. I also wouldn't trust that the relationship started when you think it did. What were the circumstances of you inviting him to your home? Was it your WW's idea? There have been others on here where the AP and even the WW get a kind of thrill out of flaunting their relationship in front of the BS.

Look there is one big thing wrong with this picture and you can't allow it to go on. If she really wants to Reconcile this marriage she would be moving heaven and earth to do that. Giving you unfettered access to her phone and social media would be a small start to this. Her not doing that is telling you that she is not all in. I don't believe in privacy like that but even if you do she has given up that right for now and maybe always. She should be taking every opportunity to prove she is not still seeing him. You need to tell her that absent proof that she is not you are going to assume that she is and act accordingly and that would mean filing for Divorce.

I know you don't want to divorce but you also don't want to live like this. You need to get to a point where the thing you want most is to be out of Infidelity. That might be reconciled and still married, that might be Single and divorced, but your goal should be to be out of Infidelity. Right now your goal is to remain married. She knows that so she is doing the absolute minimum to keep you. She is most likely still seeing the OM and you are allowing this. Take charge of this situation. See that you are the prize here and start acting like it.

Also if his ex-Wife did cheat on him and he did this to someone else then he is one of the biggest assholes in the world. I will be you that either your WW and him have been having this affair for longer than you know or he cheated on his first wife and your wife is just another in a line of woman that he has been with.

tushnurse posted 2/12/2020 15:29 PM

she wont let me see her phone or FB or email, stating these things are private

I hope you read my post over in Recon - the thread is locked but my advice is still there and you can see it.

That said. Privacy is for pooping.
She is hiding things, and you are reacting in fear. This will never change until you demand better. Not allowing you access to her phone is a HUGE red flag. You need some serious consequences for her if she isn't stepping up.

I also would not believe that the OM has and X that cheated on him. Sounds like he worked her and you both.
You need her to establish No Contact w/ him, and I would encourage you to find out the X's story. She may have a completely different tale to tell, and that might help your wife come out of the fog a bit.

fooled13years posted 2/12/2020 15:36 PM


the only thing I was Absolutely Certain of was that she would always be there

I believe there are many WSs who believe their BSs would never leave even if they were caught cheating. Several of these WSs changed their tunes as soon as their BSs serve them D papers or leave. Then some seem to chase their BSs to try to get them back. Many times it is too late.
until she finally said she would try to fix things with us

Well, isn't that special? There is nothing to fix with you. All the fixing has to be done on her.
She promised she would not, but then, apparently had 'good bye' sex with him

Did she at least have the courtesy to do the same thing with you before she ruined the marriage you had?
yes he was married, but the SAME THING happened to him! His wife found a boyfriend at work and cheated

IMO, for someone who knows the pain of their WS cheating on them then to become the OM/OW to another WS and cause the same pain to another BS deserve a special place of shame and torment.

ryno posted 2/12/2020 15:38 PM

You need to take control of the situation. See a solicitor and have divorce papers served on your wife. Inform her family and yours about what has happened. Get tested for STI and go no contact with your wife and do the 180. Seek counseling for yourself as you are suffering shock. Refuse additional childcare requests to prevent your wife sneeking out.

Time to go to war. This will be tough. Make sure you have time for yourself and keep busy. Go to the movies, run, be with mates. Make yourself less available to her.

Dismayed2012 posted 2/12/2020 16:00 PM

And why are you still with this woman DD? She's shown you who she is and you're not listening. Ask your counselor about co-dependency and get help with taking charge of your life. There's no happy ending if you continue down the road you're on. It's only pain and suffering. You've got to take control of your marriage and take your life back. So far allowing your WW to have the reins of your life isn't working to well for you. Don't continue down the road you're on expecting different results. Change what you're doing. I do wish the best for you. Only you can make your life better. Get angry for a change and never again allow anyone to negatively affect your happiness. This life is about you now. Take care of yourself.

farsidejunky posted 2/12/2020 16:12 PM

Believe nothing she says.

Believe everything she does.

Private phone? The affair is still on and she is lying to you. She is full of shit, brother.

Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable.

Robert22205https posted 2/12/2020 17:04 PM

Read up on the 180 process. It’s purpose is to give you space (protect you emotionally) so you can regain your emotional equilibrium and make a reasoned decision.

Infidelity is a major trauma (read up on PTSD) and see your doctor for help dealing with the symptoms.

The most effective initial response to protect yourself (and save your marriage if that’s what you want) is the same whether you ultimately decide to by R or D.

First, in order to be taken seriously they must believe that you are prepared to divorce (bluff if necessary). For example, see an attorney, get tested for STDs, separate your bank accounts.

Do not do the "Pick Me Dance" or cry or beg in her presence. It doesn’t work (just the opposite). Experience shows that you’ll be viewed as ‘weak’.

In her current state of mind, indecisiveness or fear of divorce is interpreted as a free pass to continue the affair. If any action you take drives her away - then you already lost her.

Finally, she's a cheater and a liar - she forfeited any right to privacy. She should be willing to do anything you ask/need to rebuild trust and help you heal. Anything less means she's still seeing the OM.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 5:06 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

annb posted 2/12/2020 17:15 PM

I agree with tushnurse.

Those who have nothing to hide hide nothing.

She is NOT being transparent and honest.

Gently, she is playing you and you are allowing it.

Suggest you contact several attorneys just to find out your rights.

She is controlling your life right now, put yourself in the driver's seat. Enough of this bullsh*t, gather up your courage and show her you will not tolerate any more disrespect, and if she wants to stay in the marriage, she has to be an open book. I mean access to phone, emails, social media, everything you can think of. Also keep in mind sometimes they purchase a burner phone.

You CAN do this. You deserve better. She is playing a game with your life.

BTW, marriage counseling is out of the question right now.

Please meet with your MD for some temporary medications to help you cope. Most of us here have taken them. Both of you need to get tested for STDs asap.

Right now you cannot trust a word coming out of her mouth. Sorry to be so blunt.

[This message edited by annb at 5:16 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

ThisIsSoLonely posted 2/12/2020 17:18 PM

Hiding the phone is either spiteful or she’s lying. Either one is unacceptable.

Jameson1977 posted 2/12/2020 17:38 PM

I agree with everyone else.

I would think that once an affair has been discovered, access to the cheating spouces phone to verify and bring you a sliver of peace is more than reasonable.

If this were me, I'd ask to see her phone, if she refuses, you have your answer. She's stringing you along so she can figure out who/what she wants next.

I know it's very difficult to think this way of your wife, but as you can see here, cheaters will do anything to get what they want.

You need to remove yourself from infidelity and she needs to feel the real consequences of her actions.

DoinBettr posted 2/12/2020 17:51 PM

I also agree with everyone else.
You can't let fear lead you.
Fear has never lead anyone to what they wanted. It just leads to minor relief from the fear, then resentment of the situation. If that is what you want, then let fear of losing her keep driving you.
Why not go your own route?
Use the 180 and pull away from her. Make her pursue you. She doesn't have this other guy. There is something wrong there and she knows it. That is why she came back. Believe you were the right choice and she made a mistake. She doesn't deserve this second chance. She needs to earn it.
You are 10 pounds of husband, she is 1 ounce of wife. Fix that scale.

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