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I did the right thing.. but still

TiredSoul2017 posted 2/11/2020 13:05 PM

So about a month ago I got a friend request from a guy on FB. We had a few mutual friends and I accepted as I thought he was someone I went to college with. His FB was covered with photos of he and his wife and he appeared to be a doting husband. My H has access to my accounts since I strayed and asked about him I told him the truth. He was fine with it bc he agreed this guy seemed harmless.

Well about two weeks later he sent me a private message asking me how I was doing and how were my holidays. I responded asking him how he knew me bc I felt like I knew him but couldn't place it. He said that he didn't know me per say but we had lots of mutual friends. The convo ended there.

a few days later he sent me another message asking if I was available to chat. I didn't answer bc truthfully I didn't see it. the day after he sent "Beautiful where are you I want to talk to you." Again I didn't see that one either bc I rarely get IMs on FB so I don't check.

A day later he sent me a message saying I was sexy and hot and he wanted to do dirty things to me. When I finally saw these messages I showed my H who immediately responded to this guy, then my H screenshot the messages and IMed them to this guys wife who was devastated. I feel so bad and admittedly guilty even though I did nothing wrong. My H was grateful that I did the right thing.

I am not sure where I am going with this but fact is this: These people on FB looking like doting spouses and the best family people can be scum too. Sad.

hikingout posted 2/11/2020 13:13 PM

I avoid this stuff altogether now. For a long, long time after DDAY I didn't have any social media accounts. I felt like it was something else my husband would have to monitor, and I tried to eliminate those things in order to simplify the process. When I rejoined, I only accepted/sent friend requests to close family and friends. Anyone from the past that I hadn't been in contact with for years, they are not really relevant to my life.

Personally, I am happier without all that stuff. I enjoy seeing my children's posts, and also relatives I don't see often, but keeping it that way has been a good way to keep drama down and allows me to focus on what truly is important. Just some thoughts that you may or may not find helpful for you.

LifeDestroyer posted 2/11/2020 13:19 PM

I immediately delete any friend requests I get from guys, especially the ones I don't know. Usually they are friends of friends or the random profiles from different countries. You did the right thing by showing your husband.

pinkpggy posted 2/11/2020 13:22 PM

Earlier last year I got one from the neighbor behind me after I saw him staring at me a few times. We've only ever talked once at the pool. Totally innocent neighbor chat. Then one night at 10pm I get a message request after I saw him looking at me from his deck. Deleted and blocked. And yes, he and his wife were plastered all over his FB. I had no idea who it wss at first so I looked. Sigh.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 1:42 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

MrCleanSlate posted 2/11/2020 14:36 PM


Good thing you shared it. I know what you mean about the guilt feeling. I got some texts, emails and snail mail from my AP and shared all with my spouse. Then a few years later I get a random text that was very sexual in nature. I showed my BW and we deleted it. Not sure who it was from - I suspected it was a wrong number, but I still felt guilty just receiving it.

The other interesting thing was that your H decided to IM those to the guys wife. You know that is something a lot of people would not think to do. Maybe saved both of them from going down the infidelity path....

Bor9455 posted 2/11/2020 15:13 PM

Situations like this are exactly why I torpedoed my Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat accounts. At first, I found myself reflexively reaching to check Facebook when I was bored in meetings or in downtime at work (I have an office job). After a few weeks, I began to realize how much free time I had without Facebook and I became much more productive at work and when I was at home, I didn't need to mindlessly browse/refresh Facebook.

My MH wife still uses Facebook a lot and I've been imploring her to consider going my route and dropping it altogether. I may consider going back to Facebook in the future, because 98% of it was perfectly innocuous, but the 2% that was me having an EA with someone is enough to scare me completely away from it all.

gmc94 posted 2/11/2020 20:07 PM

For a long, long time after DDAY I didn't have any social media accounts. I felt like it was something else my husband would have to monitor, and I tried to eliminate those things in order to simplify the process.
Wow. Had my WH done anything like this after dday, it would have gone a long way for me (esp bc they used FB Messenger bc she said it would be "safer", so even today it's triggery for me).

I still have my FB account, but use it rarely after dday (I don't need to see those "memories" to remind me of all the ways my M was an illusion).

As to the OP, is the "but still" bc your H told the man's wife? If so, I don't see how any of that is your "fault" he's in hot water with his missus. If one wants to remain in good graces with their spouse, maybe they shouldn't sext to begin with?

Jorge posted 2/12/2020 11:24 AM

Look at it this way. When cops and judges are successful putting a proven criminal away, the saying goes, "that's one less robber/rapist, we have walking our streets", or something to that effect.

The creep that messaged you was a cheater and was turned in by you and your husband before he could destroy a marriage and family, so you potentially outed a known cheater who's wife can possibly alter his cheating ways now that she knows.

Thumos posted 2/12/2020 14:27 PM

my H screenshot the messages and IMed them to this guys wife who was devastated. I feel so bad and admittedly guilty even though I did nothing wrong.

I feel bad for his wife, but I love that your husband did this. Truly awesome to see karma catch up with scum and moral reprobates like this. You should both feel fine about it. Think about the fact that you likely saved this poor woman many more years of misery being with this narcissist prowler.

To any lurkers here from other websites, check this out - I believe we're seeing a backlash against social media, and I think this is what will increasingly happen to prowling scum who try to prey on other people's spouses. Reddit's "adultery" thread discussions about "OPSEC" aren't going to keep protecting this sort of behavior.

[This message edited by Thumos at 2:28 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

Zugzwang posted 2/14/2020 10:18 AM

Just goes to show and remind us at that it is all about one being easy, needy, and desperate. APs are a dime a dozen. All one has to do is take the bait. Reinforces that it has nothing to do with "true luv or some soul mate" shit. Maybe by posting, some new WS will see there is nothing there and it isn't love. Just one person willing to sit in shit and looking for company. If someone really loved you, they wouldn't want you to sit in shit too. Glad you did the right thing and messaged his wife too.

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