SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

Undamaged posted 2/10/2020 12:22 PM

First, I feel like a complete idiot posting this. I’ve been hurt by a man I love with everything in me. I learned last week he’s been texting another female wanting to meet up. He denies anything happened but I cannot believe him. I’m hurt, angry, embarrassed, just devastated. I can’t get it out of my head and I’m constantly thinking about it! Are there more? How many has there been? How long has this been happening? I’m left with all these questions and thoughts because he won’t discuss it, he gets angry. I feel like a fool for believing and trusting in him. I really don’t know what I’m expecting out of this, maybe just other people who’ve been where I am. I suffer from severe depression and I am scared as hell that I’ll slip into a dark place if I let him go right now. That’s something I never want to experience again.

TheLostOne2020 posted 2/10/2020 12:38 PM

Undamaged

First, I feel like a complete idiot posting this.

First and foremost, you aren't an idiot. This isn't anything you did wrong. You trusted someone, that person is a garbage human being. End of story. Don't blame yourself.

I’ve been hurt by a man I love with everything in me. I learned last week he’s been texting another female wanting to meet up. He denies anything happened but I cannot believe him.

Good, don't - what he's doing is standard practice for cheaters. Expect gas lighting and other lies next.

I’m hurt, angry, embarrassed, just devastated. I can’t get it out of my head and I’m constantly thinking about it! Are there more? How many has there been? How long has this been happening?

Unfortunately the only way through this is time. If your partner is actually remorseful they will help you and try to alleviate your doubts. They will be forthright and honest with you. They will tell you everything and give total transparency.

I’m left with all these questions and thoughts because he won’t discuss it, he gets angry.

Unfortunately it looks like your partner is not remorseful. So the question is, do you accept this behavior from your partner? I wouldn't.

I feel like a fool for believing and trusting in him.

Don't feel like that - you expected him to be a good person, just like you are. He's now revealed himself to be a bad person. Believe his actions, not his words.

I really don’t know what I’m expecting out of this, maybe just other people who’ve been where I am. I suffer from severe depression and I am scared as hell that I’ll slip into a dark place if I let him go right now. That’s something I never want to experience again.

Okay, it sucks, but you will get through it. You need to occupy yourself. I would start exercising - it provides something to do, endorphins, and it's a good outlet. Listen to music, determine what your options are. Talk through your feelings here. Find a friend you can confide in.

These are things that have helped me.

This0is0Fine posted 2/10/2020 12:41 PM

Undamaged,

Sorry you are here.

Everyone here has had their own experience with a cheater.

1) If he is still angry, he is still lying to you. He should not be defensive, he should be completely open and willing to tell you anything you ask. Otherwise, he will never be able to rebuild trust with you.

2) Even if "nothing happened" physically, something happened. Do not allow him to minimize his betrayal. You'll see a common pattern and advice here. Cheaters deny, minimize, and attempt to rugsweep (get you to ignore what has happened and "just move on" and "make things the way they were before"). You should not allow any of that to happen.

3) If you want to trust him again, come up with a list of demands:
- Show you all the texts, get phone recovery software (Fonelab is often recommended for iPhones).
- No Contact (NC) with the affair partner. You should see what the message says and confirm that it has been sent.
- Written detailed timeline of what happened during the affair.
- Optional, but it helps (I didn't ask, my WW offered, but never scheduled) to get a polygraph. Here you can ask him whatever question you want (did you have sex? is your written timeline accurate?).
- More intelligence gathering. Voice Actuated Recorders (VARs), in the car, at home, wherever he might normally have secret conversations. I personally only kept one on myself to protect myself from false allegations. I've been lucky enough to not have to use it.

You probably won't like becoming a person that has to ask for/do these things, but the alternative is to be in denial, fooling yourself, and continuing to allowed to be hurt.

Tanner posted 2/10/2020 13:17 PM

I’m sorry you are here, I am still very new here but two things that you need to know is it’s not your fault and you never get the whole truth on Dday.

Countingsheep65 posted 2/11/2020 00:13 AM

Don’t let this asshole let you slip into that dark place.

What is it you want to do?

It really sucks that people do this to others and I’m sorry it’s happening to you.

Get yourself help, go talk with someone.

Keep you head above water and strong, you don’t need this.

Lifeexploded posted 2/11/2020 08:37 AM

Before I give more advice, do you want to try to save the marriage or is this a deal breaker for you? You can always change your mind later, I did. But what are you leaning toward right now?

Undamaged posted 2/19/2020 01:07 AM

Hello everyone, thank you for you encouraging words. I took a moment to catch my breath but only to find several other females, 7 but who knows what others have been deleted! I did speak to one, who he apparently met on Plenty of Fish!!! Another kick in the gut, he’s on a damn dating app. She did tell me they never met in person but he told her he was single. I’m disgusted!!! He has apologized and says he needs help. Which leads me to believe this behavior has been going on our entire relationship. I don’t know who he is! He’s ruthless, cold hearted, and selfish!!! I’m so fuckn angry!! I’ve been betrayed, stabbed in the back, made a complete fool!!! He has females arguing over him, hello I’m supposed to be the girlfriend! This shit is unbelievable! I’m so broken!!

jb3199 posted 2/19/2020 06:03 AM

I don’t know who he is! He’s ruthless, cold hearted, and selfish!!!

Undamaged,

I know that there is very little that can be said to ease the pain that you are going through. But one day, you are going to look back at the above quote, and many other things that you have learned about your cheating partner.

This is what we call being given the gift of sight. It is far better to learn this now than 5 more years down the road, with heavily intertwined financials, children, etc. It is like dodging a bullet....although these feelings, at least right now, may feel like it made a mockery of your relationship. Rest assured, it did not. It is going to help you get through this faster, and make you even stronger. But it takes time.