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I want to be better. Please help.

Rebirth429 posted 1/26/2020 16:44 PM

Before I say anything else, I want to acknowledge that I'm not here for sympathy, I'm here to get any and all advice possible in order to move forward.

I can't say I'm a WS because I'm not married, however, I can say I've been a wayward boyfriend. D-Day was a few weeks ago. About a year and a half ago, I entered a long distance queerplatonic relationship with someone who was my friend for about two years prior (we'll call her Jane). Jane's fiance was aware of the relationship and even had the same sort of feelings towards me as well, which my behaviors encouraged (we'll call this person Joe).

During this time, I was also on and off with my current girlfriend (we'll call her Lisa). We've known each other for going on three years now. We officially started dating three months ago, but most if not all of our years together were spent being on and off. We had issues in the past, but worked through them to the point where dating and future marriage really made sense. However, unbeknownst to her, I had this whole situation going on with Jane and Joe. I lied to both parties about the state of our relationships. As far as Jane and Joe were concerned, this was a polyamorous relationship, and Lisa knew. As far as Lisa was concerned, we were monogamous and Jane (and Joe by extension) were just friends.

Needless to say, I lied, a lot. I lied, I minimized, and I gaslighted Lisa while all of this was going on. When she would inquire about the situation, I would just lie more. I had a desire to tell her the truth, but would always get hung up on the selfish fear of loss. I was afraid that Lisa would leave if I told her everything. I had the desire to express everything but didn't know where to start, and I'd default to lying again. While Jane and Joe knew about Lisa and how important she was to me, Lisa didn't know that Jane and Joe were more than friends. To make matters worse, I set boundaries with Jane and Joe due to Lisa's desire to have boundaries set, which caused Jane and Joe to hold a lot of resentment towards Lisa that I wasn't careful enough about checking. Jane and Joe also resented Lisa because I would express my frustrations with Lisa during bad moments to them before we were together.

If there was a succinct way to put what I did, I'd say that for a while I lived a double life. With both parties, I engaged in a lot of emotional closeness, talking about future plans. Living with them. Raising kids in the event that came up. Holidays. Talks about physical affection, and sexting at one point. It's something I never should have done. After everything came out (I was caught), I cut off all contact with the APs, willingly handed over access to social media, bought "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" and read it, given access to my location at all times and update her when I'm leaving and going places, and I've started applying for a bunch of jobs in order to pursue therapy (I'm currently a college student and have been out of work for a while). I've also been journaling with Lisa as a way to make sure both of our feelings are heard, and we talk daily about what happened to some degree, whether that means comfort and apologizing, or answering any questions she has.

Lisa and I are working toward reconciliation, but I have caused her immeasurable hurt and I hate that I have. I want to be a better person. I know I can be. I will be. I know that in most cases like mine reconciliation really isn't expected because there aren't any ties like marriage or kids (as far as I've read in various forms and articles) but I really really want to work on bettering this relationship and healing. I know it will take time. I know things won't be perfect. I know this is 100% my fault and I want to work on this, both for Lisa and myself. It feels like I've done the bare minimum to help her heal, but I don't know where to go from here besides getting into therapy. I want to do so much more. Any and all advice would be appreciated.

Buck posted 1/26/2020 17:02 PM

Really, why bother trying to fix a 3 month relationship?

R is gut wrenching hard work that takes years and the outcome is not guaranteed.

SI Staff posted 1/27/2020 04:54 AM

   Moving to Wayward Side

MrCleanSlate posted 1/27/2020 10:34 AM


Whether you can fix your current relationship or not, you really need to get some help to fix yourself.

From what you wrote it seems that you at least have enough morals to see that these things you've done are not right by your partner.

You really need to get into IC (individual counselling) and work through your issues.

As far as your current GF, Lisa, the best you can do is be totally honest. Write out a time line, give her actual details. If you really want to have a relationship longterm with her you really need to learn to become honest and share. Hiding shit will only cause problems later.

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 10:35 AM, January 27th (Monday)]

Chaos posted 1/27/2020 11:50 AM

Honestly, and without malice, the best thing you could do for everyone involved is to let her go and work on yourself.

You are not relationship material right now.

Striver posted 1/27/2020 12:17 PM

Agreed that you are not relationship material. I would tell your GF the same were she here.

Any relationships where infidelity occurs early are typically disastrous. Please accept what you have done and do not stay with your GF out of guilt, soft landing for yourself, or "trying to make it up to her." Find out what you want out of life in an honest way.

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