SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Could a serial cheater be reformed?

[This message edited by straykidsnctfand at 2:09 PM, March 15th (Sunday)]

Straykid,

I must be getting old...

2.5 years relationship with amazing older man. Sugar Daddy?

Serial cheat FWBs (friend with benefits) and one offs (One night stands) in 2017?

Cheated again in 2019 for 7 months with an OLD coworker?

Now which of these fuck buddies do you think you are still in love with?

Does your relationship stand a chance?

NO.

Because you are a serial cheater.

Next step? you need help with IC.

@MrCleanSlate I was never in love. It was all a self esteem boost. I love my partner. By the way... Not a sugar daddy relationship.

I've acknowledged I'm a serial cheater and he stayed. I' m already in IC

Before you cheated on him in 2019, you thought you were done cheating. So why os it different now?

I am more worried that he isn't running away, as this is a lot of cheating in a very short relationship.

To me. If you want to actually be with this giy, break up. Work on yourself. Let him decide if he really wants to be with you after what you have done, if you ha e really changed.

Then, if you change and you both want to be be together, go for it.

As it is, this ks very inhealthy.

straykidsnctfand, LLXC posted

I am more worried that he isn't running away, as this is a lot of cheating in a very short relationship.

Is it possible that your partner is suffering from the KISA (Knight in shining armor) syndrome and is trying to save you from yourself?

If so, then you both need IC.

I am not a wayward, and my H isn't a serial cheater, but I was with one years ago when I was much younger and put up with a lot more shit than I do now.

He NEVER got it. NEVER changed and went on to cheat with his second AND third wife. They both divorced him, but I heard through the grapevine that he is back "dating" his third wife. I think the only thing slowing him down is the fact he's 60 and fat as hell now.

Bottom line? I think serial cheaters need to dig down really deep. Much deeper to fix why they cheated and continued to do so. If you don't, it won't fix itself.

I never say never anymore,,,about anything. If you want something bad enough you will make the choices and make the changes you need to become a safer partner and change your cheating ways.

I am a serial cheater myself.

Reforming??? there is no such thing as a reformed cheater. I am still coming to terms with the pain I have maliciously inflicted on my husband (the guilt and shame). He hasn't recovered from this intense pain I have put him through. We haven't even started on the reconciliation process, he is still practicing the 180 (its in the healing library).

There is no way you will be able to recover from cheating with out IC, and remove the sense of entitlement you have going on right now. That is just the beginning of the recovery process imo, it is not easy when you don't believe you feel the entitlement.

I apologize if I sound harsh, I am at a point where I can look at my past affairs with disgust and distain. I was a POS with poor character to disrespect my partners as I did.

[This message edited by Need2Do at 7:01 PM, January 24th (Friday)]

From what I’m seeing, I don’t see your relationship? Marriage? lasting much longer. Your narrative is a straight recitation of facts, without giving the reader any idea of your motivations for cheating. Based solely on your post, you were actively cheating 8 months into a relationship that allegedly meant something to you. Not just with a guy, but a lot of guys. Well into 2018you were balancing two physical affairs (how else do I interpret “FWB” btw?), which you claim was “only” kissing, then you had a sexual affair (as in “I only had sex with this one guy, see”?). Let’s break that down. During the majority of you time with this man you say you love, you’ve been fucking or in some kind of EA or PA with someone else. Right? By my math anyway. Here’s my problem with your question. You’re engaging in minimizing right off the bat. It wasn’t “only” kissing. It wasn’t “just” sex. Those thing mean something to partners that have honest partners. Ask your partner if sex with you is “just sex” to him. Seriously. If he says it is “just sex”, yeah, go ahead and keep banging strangers under his nose. I’m guessing he WON’T say it was just sex, however. It’s meaningful and wonderful, to him. Your excuses cheapen the intimacy you could have had with him. That’s gone now.

If you’re giving it up to strangers, it means a whole lot less to him. You seem to be proud of going FOUR WHOLE MONTHS withou the urge to bang strangers. That’s very commendable but it’s still an absurdly short time period.

It’s not a “too young” thing, it’s not a “I was abused” thing. It’s a respect thing. You don’t have any for the relationship with your partner and you surely don’t have much for yourself.

Still, it could be possible, maybe, but you will need to put in a whole lot of work and conviction to get him to trust you. You will need to take the lead in that and demonstrate to him that he is your plan A guy, not plan B. It might take years. Are you up for it?

Does my relationship stand a chance?

I think this is the wrong question. From what you've described, you are looking for relationships to someone fill a gap deep inside of you. Whether it is the several affairs you've had or trying to hold onto your current relationship, your focus is on how you need others.

You didn't give a lot of detail on what you've figured out about yourself or how depression plays into it all, but these sound like you are only one level down into really, fully understanding where your character gaps are. It looks like you want to quickly check off everything (depression, "reasons" and going to therapy) so that you can get back to the relationship you are craving.

The right question is what is going on inside that drives you to having relationships. Especially with having an abusive relationship in your past and having been diagnosed with depression, there is going to be some complexity to the answer. Are you after approval? Attention? The hope that giving yourself will result in returned love? A sense of self-worth derived from others? Answers to those questions end up taking a lot of work.

I'd put the relationship question on the shelf for now. Go to therapy. Understand yourself including how your past and family of origin has formed hidden beliefs and assumptions deep with you. Practice the ability to feel worthy in and of yourself. Do that well and you'll be in a position to have a healthy and amazing relationship.

my concern is more about his wellbeing than mine.

This is critical. Not to say that your own wellbeing is not important, but this line of thinking shows an indication of Remorse, an essential ingredient for any attempt at R.

Does my relationship stand a chance?

Not up to you. It is up to the betrayed to decide if they want to reconcile or not. What you will need to do is to be 100% truthful and transparent, and actions that show the betrayed that you are safe for them. Then you have a better chance (not a guarantee) at R.

My STBXWW is a serial cheater.

If I may, I would postulate you are simply not a monogamous person. Some people aren't, and it is always problematic when a non-monogamous person tries to have a monogamous relationship, when he or she is incapable of sustaining that level of commitment.

You don't have it in you right now to be in a committed relationship, or ever. And you are not in love with him...sorry I have to disagree with you there. You like him a lot and you care about him, but love? No. What you did does not display any of the traits of loving someone.

Instead of wasting money on therapy, why not just embrace that you are a polyamorous person? Maybe it is not your destiny to marry or be in a committed relationship. I'm serious. Not trying to be smarmy or sarcastic. You really need to sit down and think about what kind of sexual life you want to lead. Or, find a partner who is also polyamorous and have an open relationship.

I never cheated through all of my relationships, and I had one of 5 years and of 2 years until I got married. I post on here mostly as a betrayed spouse but it is also known I was a cheated in my first marriage. I cheated off and on for 10 years. I was a serial cheater. When I met my current wife, we were both cheaters during the dating stages...just the worst of what relationships are supposed to be.

At some point though, I knew I was done. I don't know how or why but I knew that I wanted to be a good person and I never wanted to hurt someone I love and that loves me again. I didn't do any therapy or get and advice. I just stopped.

So it is possible to stop. If you don't know with all that is in you that you are done, then you aren't. Be honest with yourself and with your partner.

You don't have it in you right now to be in a committed relationship, or ever. And you are not in love with him...sorry I have to disagree with you there. You like him a lot and you care about him, but love? No. What you did does not display any of the traits of loving someone.

Instead of wasting money on therapy, why not just embrace that you are a polyamorous person? Maybe it is not your destiny to marry or be in a committed relationship. I'm serious. Not trying to be smarmy or sarcastic. You really need to sit down and think about what kind of sexual life you want to lead. Or, find a partner who is also polyamorous and have an open relationship.

Westway- polyamory isn't cheating. Period. Polyamory is ETHICAL nonmonogamy.

There's a big difference between being unable to commit and polyamory- they aren't even on the same spectrum. Polyamory has nothing to do with ability and desire to commit to people.

And it is about love, not just sex. Relationships that are only open sexually and not romantically are also not polyamorous.

If you're going to recommend a path, at least take the time to learn about it.

[This message edited by PSTI at 8:43 PM, February 7th (Friday)]