Zugzwang posted 1/30/2020 15:27 PM

Many consider emotional affairs worse. How would you feel if someone you were invested in, loved, trusted, and committed to came to you and said...hey, I am more emotionally connected to and care about them more than you? How would you feel if your AP came to you and said hit the road...I care about this other woman more than you? You probably don't care about if your husband came to you and said that. Since, his ONS you have checked out. So, divorce if it is a deal breaker. Your EA doesn't make it okay. You have already had your affair. Some might even say it is worse than a ONS with some stranger.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 1/30/2020 16:36 PM

I’ve told AP I had to slow down. Didn’t want to do anything I would regret.

Slow down is very different from stop. You have basically left this open ended.

Why haven’t you told your husband?

unable2go4ward posted 1/30/2020 17:00 PM

Selfishly, because I don’t want to deal with the fall out from telling him. We had a discussion today about how I don’t trust him and how we need to spend more time together. He does t communicate and he doesn’t want to talk about the stuff he did 10 years ago. And I’m not going to ask him to since I’m unwilling to share the truth.

I was assuming for men a physical affair would be worse. For women it’s harder to deal with the fact that their husband had an emotional connection with someone else and put so much effort into that . He does still work with the woman he had the ONS with and that still bothers me but there is nothing that can be done about it. They can’t switch jobs. It’s not an easy move. They work pretty closely in the job they do.

HellFire posted 1/30/2020 17:14 PM

You actually had a conversation with him, about how you don't trust him, while you are in the middle of an affair??

Neanderthal posted 1/30/2020 17:20 PM

My wife's emotional affair was much harder on me then the physical part.

Do you think there is any chance you still love your husband? If so, don't be like Lifedestroyer and me. Don't rugsweep his actions. Make him be accountable.

Are you capable of doing the right thing? Prove it and tell your husband what you've done.

Everything in detail. Be a good example of what he should have done.

If you don't love him, be done with it already. Grow a pair and move on.

[This message edited by Neanderthal at 5:23 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]

HellFire posted 1/30/2020 17:20 PM

His affair was 11 years ago. You have accepted him working with her, because otherwise you would be divorced. You are now using that as justification for not telling him.

Neanderthal posted 1/30/2020 17:39 PM

I wanted to add. Although my wifes emotional affair may have been worse for me, I would have much preferred to try and heal from just that. Adding the physical affair on top is pretty brutal.

BeyondRage posted 1/31/2020 05:18 AM

Just curious. Why did you title your thread “how do I stop?”
when everything you say says you’re justified and don’t want to stop??

I think most that have read this are asking the same question.

You’re having an intense emotional affair already, planning to move to physical, and show no interest in anything that tries to tell you how to “stop”

redfish posted 1/31/2020 13:05 PM

(Edit I'll leave the post but I did not realize I was on the wayward side forum)

Your friend is not a friend of your M. Does he have a GF or W? Then you are not a friend of their relationship. You two do not belong together as long as you are married.

I understand addiction and the high of it all but you need to blow this up your self. Expose this to people close to you who don't want you for just a f*%$k. You have been given advice on how to do it

[This message edited by redfish at 5:25 PM, January 31st (Friday)]

Slanted posted 1/31/2020 16:00 PM

In some respects, you've answered your own question. You don't want to destroy your family, but you don't want to give up the affair. If that's the case, there's only one responsible-adult course of action: ask your husband for an open relationship and explain why.

PS- I am a BS, but I in no way mean to be snarky or disrespectful. I've given this stuff an awful lot of thought lately, and I believe my own WW is in a similar mental position, but unwilling to say so. I wish she'd taken that tack. The result would still be D, but it would not have come at the cost of such trauma on my part.

[This message edited by Slanted at 4:06 PM, January 31st (Friday)]

KingRat posted 1/31/2020 16:16 PM

Having an honest conversation may result in a better relationship. But what surely won't result in a better relationship is lying to yourself and convincing yourself it's ok/he won't find out. When he does, any legitimate complaints you have about your relationship will be irrelevant until you deal with the bomb you just dropped on your relationship. That is if your relationship survives.

Fighting problems with bigger problems never works. I get it. The first instinct in life is to take the path of least resistance. However, I can promise you it may seem like this is easier but that is an illusion you created to enable you to kick the can down the road. Denial is not just a river in Egypt. It will come crashing down with you holding the short stick.

Do yourself a favor and commit to not causing any more harm. Have the tough talk and accept that the result may be one that is not ideal, but it is honest. Please do not continue down this path for your sake. It will not end well.

[This message edited by KingRat at 4:19 PM, January 31st (Friday)]

numb&dumb posted 1/31/2020 16:21 PM

unable2go4ward- When you are dying of thirst and someone offers you a drink you drink it and it becomes the best water you've ever had. You did not notice (or even care) that it had dirt in it. In any other circumstance you would have refused that drink.

Don't you think that maybe this is why this is so appealing to you ? People are social creatures. We need connection, intimacy and other people sometimes. That doesn't make us weak, it makes us human.

I am not sure where your M will end up, but don't you think that your reservations and feelings about this are trying to tell you something? There is nothing "special," about this friend. He is offering you that dirt filled water. What you really desire is something honest, pure and without regret.

If you pursue this further do you see yourself regretting it ? What is the outcome? Does it make things worse or better ? Every truth comes out in a long enough timeline. There are thousands of WS who never thought they would be caught. Even then that isn't the important part. You will know. You will never forget. Imagine yourself looking back on this moment years from now. How would you see it ? I mean really see it ? A regret or another example of you making the honorable decision. Honor is valued so highly because it involves making very tough decisions that are right.

Right now, your M isn't providing you what you need and honestly that alone is reason enough to D. Don't sell yourself short. You are worthy of something that is real, honesty and fulfilling. It might not be in your M, but I don't think you will find a secret answer where you can keep what the M provides and meet your need for connection with this friend. It plain just doesn't work.

You are worthy of having a truly intimate relationship with another person, but this friend is not it. Anything that you have to hide cannot be that great, right ?

Have you thought about seeing a counselor by yourself ? I hear the confusion in your words and I think you owe it to yourself to find that clarity before you do anything else that you can't take back.

I know you are hurting. Please don't make it worse.

Zugzwang posted 2/1/2020 08:52 AM

Selfishly, because I don’t want to deal with the fall out from telling him.

Fallout meaning what?

That you don't want to be on his level now? To lose control and the upper hand because you are no better than him. Probably worse if he just had a ONS and left his AP cold turkey yet you don't want to give up yours? You might no longer be on a pedestal?

I don't know about other men. I would be hit just as hard if my wife wanted another man. Physical or emotional. Not much difference to me. Obviously since I had EAs. Think about it. "Hi, honey. I don't give two shits about this man sexually (we know I will as my emotional attachment continues...but I just love his soul and how I feel from sharing with him." Do you really think that isn't a big deal to a husband?

unable2go4ward posted 2/4/2020 13:17 PM

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. I sent a no contact letter. I know this is best for myself and for my family. I’m a little sad and hope to just move past it on my own.

Carissima posted 2/4/2020 14:08 PM

As a BW all this means is you want to any possible consequences for your actions. To hell with doing the right thing...

Zugzwang posted 2/4/2020 19:14 PM

So sad to hear this. That will not be moving forward. It will just mean you get to keep the upper hand and manipulate your marriage. Keep a caged bird. I feel sorry for you both and for your family. That isn't a marriage. There will never be truth and intimacy. Just lies. At least he told you. At least he gave you the choice.