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How did I get here/How do I stop this?

Pages: 1 · 2

unable2go4ward posted 1/21/2020 19:18 PM

[This message edited by unable2go4ward at 7:15 AM, March 29th (Sunday)]

amethyst0323 posted 1/22/2020 04:17 AM

How do you stop?

Tell your husband, tell him the whole truth and tell him now.

You may be lucky and he may stay and work things out or he may feel that he has had enough.

But he deserves the truth and you know that being a BS yourself.

There is never a justification for having an affair. His affair does not make your deserved or acceptable. Affair are always wrong.

Carissima posted 1/22/2020 06:27 AM

You know exactly what you NEED to do to stop this affair. I suspect the problem is you really don't WANT to at present!

Feelinglikethat posted 1/22/2020 08:47 AM

I am sure at this point youíre considering your own feelings and worried too about the APs feelings as well.

If you want the possibility to continue to have your spouse, you have to stop contact with this person. Complete hard stop and confession. There is no other choice.

MrCleanSlate posted 1/23/2020 07:15 AM

My rational brain says I need to stop it but I canít get myself to walk away. Once it turns physical I know he will not be able to forgive me.

So it sounds like you are planning on making it physical, and I wouldn't be surprised if you haven't already gone out and bought some new lingerie just in case.

Think about the lack of effort YOU are putting into your M and the amount of effort you are putting into your 'friend' who basically just wants to fuck you. Pretty messed up logic there.

So many of us waywards made up all sorts of similar reasons to justify our selfishness.

Stop fence sitting. Either fix your M or do your H the favour and leave or get divorced.

cainsite posted 1/23/2020 09:00 AM

We tried going to a couple therapist at the time but got no where.

There are bad therapists out there.
Try again, until you find one that works.
Our 1st therapist was young and way in over her head. Keep looking until you can find one that actually helps!

Either fix your M or do your H the favour and leave or get divorced.

^^^TRUTH^^^

unable2go4ward posted 1/23/2020 17:20 PM

I donít think my husband would do therapy again. He seems fine with how things are, and if anything having someone else to talk to has made me more affectionate with him so he really is not suspecting anything. He is very closed off emotionally.

I have backed off a bit from talking to AP. AP is not married but does not pressure me for time together.

BeyondRage posted 1/26/2020 17:39 PM

Unable

Whether or not your husband will do therapy if you tell him everything is not relevant right now.
What is relevant is that you are moving towards crossing a line that if crossed may not give you the option of any therapy.

You know exactly what you NEED to do to stop this affair. I suspect the problem is you really don't WANT to at present!

Theres the simple answer. you are now exchanging sexual messages, are already cheating, and it appears you do not work with this OM.

. Once it turns physical I know he will not be able to forgive me

Well, the only way it will not turn physical is if you stop it because your "friend' wants to get in your pants and you know it.

And before you do anything, if you know he will not forgive you, I suggest you investigate what a divorce would look like financially and family wise.

Confessing to your husband will help you because your husband in all likelihood will make it clear to you that you will discontinue this relationship.

No one thinks they will get caught. If you read here, you will find that is not exactly the way it works out.

BrokenRoad posted 1/26/2020 21:12 PM

I donít think my husband would do therapy again. He seems fine with how things are, and if anything having someone else to talk to has made me more affectionate with him so he really is not suspecting anything. He is very closed off emotionally.

I would suspect that if you did tell him you were so unhappy that you were considering an affair, he may want to do therapy if you asked.

Have you asked?

JBWD posted 1/26/2020 21:55 PM

ďOnce it turns physicalĒ highlights an attitude of resignation that removes your own agency- YOU control your actions.
This EA isnít a living breathing organism, itís your decision. Take the time to stop and ask yourself why you make these choices.

unable2go4ward posted 1/27/2020 18:20 PM

I was hoping a few 2x4ís would get me to back off of this road I am so far down. I havenít told my husband Iím unhappy. I have asked in the past for us to spend more time together, but that doesnít happen and I feel like I am always the one making all the effort. Like I said he is a terrible communicator so not much got resolved in 2007 with his indiscretions. We rug swept. I road the roller coaster for a few years after that but we had very young kids and we focused on them. We are good roommates/friends.

This other person is someone I could have a conversation with but not necessarily someone I would be in a relationship with. The connection/chemistry is great but I donít think it would work long term. Iím the typically WW- thinking I can have my cake and eat it too.

Part of me thinks Iíve outgrown my husband, but I donít want to implode my family. I donít think of it as a exit affair because I donít want to be caught by any means- I am super careful. And I have no delusions of being with my AP. Not sure why this time I engaged and responded to APís flirtations. I have taken myself out of situations before. This time I donít want to.

Carissima posted 1/27/2020 18:48 PM

I'm a BW and I ask this with all due respect. Why are you here?
You're clearly comfortable with laying all the blame for your unhappiness on your husband and you are now openly admitting you don't want to stop your affair.
Tell your husband - no-one has the right to be happy at someone else's expense, no-one!

MrCleanSlate posted 1/27/2020 22:51 PM

unable,

You know I wish I could go back 6 years in time and go to my wife and have a talk with her about all my issues and how I felt and my desire to want to fix our M.

I didn't then. Biggest regret of my life today.

And I went off and had an affair thinking I wouldn't get caught. I didn't, not until I ended it and my AP blew things up.

My BW was a saint and gave me the opportunity to R. It took a lot of hard work, and it hurt her more than I care to admit.

Sincerely, have a heart to heart with your H. Either try to fix things or declare that you are done. That is way better than the shit show that follows discovery.

BTW - from your last post it reads like you have flirted with EA's in the past and ended them before they went too far.

Jorge posted 1/27/2020 23:01 PM

but I donít want to implode my family.

Can't have it both ways, particularly at the expense of your family who love and adore you. You're actually already imploding the family, but the full impact hasn't taken affect yet. Could be a big one, or a bunch of little ones. Either way, the lasting impact is the same.

Remaining out of love, but with your husband out of duty to family, ensures it will be a family under one roof, but, not a family "as one", if you know what I mean. Being with your husband will increase your resentment, of which you already have so much, it's dripping in your post here, so it's also permeating through the home, even if you're unaware.

Families under one roof, but not as one, where husband and wife happy and loving, translates to a home of comfort, security and warmth which staying together is intended to provide, but is lost if the love is missing.

My best friend lived in such a household and I felt the tension in the air the moment his mom and dad were present if you stayed around any length of time. I could see it and feel it in my friend who wasn't as happy all of a sudden, even thought we were playing with Hot Wheels cars and other racing car stuff. It's hard to fake happiness and resentment.

By confessing and preparing for an amenable, carefully planned and orchestrated separation and divorce, you'll be able to manage all of the kid destabilizing details with the care it deserves. However, if the affair (this one or the next) is discovered, as many are, what you're seeking to avoid is pretty much certain to happen and more.

Ever see the planned implosions done by building demolition companies? That's what a well planned divorce can look like. The demolition company will plan the event months or even a year in advance and take into account avoidable pitfalls inherent with building explosions. No detail is overlooked, to limit collateral damage to being as minimized as possible.

Conversely, during an unplanned explosion or implosion, human fatalities are certain and physical infrastructure damage impacting the utilities of hundreds or thousands of residents or offices is imminent.

Of the two scenarios, a planned destruction (divorce) would be painful for your husband and family, but it pales in comparison to the pain and lasting devastation caused by the fall out of an affair that was discovered. That's an unmanageable situation that can leave lasting impairment.

BeyondRage posted 1/28/2020 13:12 PM

Unable

I was hoping a few 2x4ís would get me to back off of this road I am so far down.

The 2X4's arent going to do it. Only you can, and its pretty clear you really do not want to stop.

Stop fence sitting. Either fix your M or do your H the favour and leave or get divorced.

Great advice from Mr. Clean Slate

Iím the typically WW- thinking I can have my cake and eat it too.

You got that one right. Doesn't usually work out like that most of the time for too long.

I am super careful. And I have no delusions of being with my AP. Not sure why this time I engaged and responded to APís flirtations. I have taken myself out of situations before. This time I donít want to.

Just curious. What are you looking for here? I don't think you're going to get too many responses recommending that you continue to escalate your infidelity. You seem determined to proceed full speed ahead because youre convinced you are careful and won't get caught.

Zugzwang posted 1/28/2020 17:08 PM

I havenít told my husband Iím unhappy.

Why? No one is a mind reader. Simple step one and your responsibility and not his. So much easier than an affair and a divorce. Talking. Communicating. Sharing. Being vulnerable. I mean really what do you got to lose? Him turning you down as opposed to you disrespecting yourself by being a side-piece?

Once it turns physical I know he will not be able to forgive me.

That shouldn't be the reason why you should stop. It should be because the right thing to do is to stop. Trust us. You will feel shitty about yourself if you go forward. Let me just say, you will feel needy, easy, and used. Do you want that to be the list of your character traits. Easy? Needy?

Part of me thinks Iíve outgrown my husband,

Chances are you probably had. Do you think with this type of behavior you have now. Because having an affair instead of talking and doing the right thing is pretty immature. I sure as Hell know my wife outgrew me by years before I had my affair. Though thank her grace and mercy I earned my way forward to growing up and meeting her at her level of a committed relationship.

At this point can you hold your head high and look in the mirror feeling good about yourself?

RocketRaccoon posted 1/29/2020 19:49 PM

Part of me thinks Iíve outgrown my husband,

Gently.... In what way, and why do you think this?

It could well be a possibility, but the wayward mindset tends to make up reasons, rewriting history, etc.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 1/30/2020 05:16 AM

Unable, is posting here the equivalent of just buying a treadmill and then using it to pile clothes on? Or do you plan on getting on and actually doing the work you need to?

In other words, do you have any intention of stopping this affair?

unable2go4ward posted 1/30/2020 12:50 PM

Yes, I want to stop. I make the excuse that nothing physical has happened so itís not that bad yet. But Iím addicted to the emotional connection and finding it hard to give up. I will go a awhile without talking to AP but always get back in touch.

I would say, aside from the emotional affair, Iíve told AP I had to slow down. Didnít want to do anything I would regret.

Carissima posted 1/30/2020 14:27 PM

I would say, aside from the emotional affair, Iíve told AP I had to slow down. Didnít want to do anything I would regret.

Really, so the EA is alright then? No regret for you never mind remorse...

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