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3 months post d-day......

devastated717 posted 1/14/2020 16:56 PM

D day was October 4th. My husband found that I had sexted an ex in 2010 and 2011, he discovered the pictures in my email. I had a sexually explicit online chat with the same person when we were engaged and it wrecked him, so the fact that I did it again after we were married, but this time with pictures, is something he says he cannot get past. We are in counseling but he is 100 percent dead set on divorce. We have twin 4 year olds and a 7 year old.

I have been working really hard every day since October 4th. It has only been three months but it has felt like a lifetime. His wellbeing has been my top priority. I have read many books, and I have diligently kept up with IC. I was terrified of counseling before but it has been amazing. Prozac has also helped tremendously. The other day I took a minute to recognize how far I have come in the last few months. Even my BH says the changes I have made have been seismic. I have focused on healing him, and improving communication. At first I checked in with him a lot and told him I loved him frequently, but I've stopped doing that since it seemed to not be helping. His rage has not diminished. But Im able to keep calm and mostly calm him down when it starts. This has been the most intense roller coaster. The first couple of months I couldn't eat and got down to 103 lbs, and my hair started falling out. Luckily I've been able to eat a little more and have put some weight back on. I have tried to stay busy and focused on the work I have to do, which keeps the depression spirals away for a little while. I lost interest in hobbies and withdrew from social activities to focus on our relationship. Nothing is more important than my family but I'm working on balance. We are still in the same house, but we sleep in separate rooms. Our families still don't know that we are heading to a divorce or the details, which is positive. But he says he cannot live with what I did, and that divorce is the only path. Its like he flipped a switch. I think thats called a 180. This is a consequence that I have accepted but it is beyond painful. The name calling, the yelling.. the isolation. It has broken me so many times. I know that what he is feeling is so much worse, and that is heartbreaking.

So a couple of weeks ago we had our first real conversation about what the expectations are about how the divorce is going to work. He said that because I am the one that broke up the family, I need to leave our home, and that the children are going to stay at his house. He said he didn't even want them to know we were divorced, that I could still spend mornings and evenings at the house, and that in a couple of years we would tell the kids. They wouldn't see where I lived because that would be too weird for them. He flew into a rage when I said that I didn't think that that was a sustainable arrangement. I want the children's lives to be as consistent as possible, but the idea that nothing would change if we divorced doesn't seem very realistic. It's so upsetting that he thinks that I am so worthless. I am a good mom, it would hurt them so much if they were taken from me. I brought this up in MC yesterday and he lost it. He is adamant that this is the only acceptable option for him. It was awful. When we got home I hugged him and told him I loved him and I didn't want a divorce. I respect his feelings, but I also wanted to make sure that I said that. That he knew that I was committed to healing him as best I could, regardless of the outcome. Its so hard to not give up. But I have to stay the course.

Some days I think R is possible. Other days, I am sure that he hates me and that he always will. I hate how badly I hurt him. I wish I could take it all back, but I can't. I ruined our lives. Today has been a dark day, and I am struggling with the horror that I have created.

Everyone is telling me to go get a lawyer. Start hiding money. But I don't want to do that. Part of me still holds out hope that we will get on the other side of this. I want to do right by him. Take responsibility for what I did. I am not entitled to forgiveness or reconciliation. But I can't give up my children. They need me.

Anyway, thank you for listening. This forum is so helpful and everyone is so insightful. I am so inspired by the R stories, and by the strength and resiliency of the couples that have gone through this, regardless of whether or not they stayed together.


sisoon posted 1/14/2020 17:37 PM

No stop sign. Are you sure you want to hear from BSes? If not, open a 'mod, please' thread to get the stop sign reinstated.

I'm sorry D is likely even though you want to stay M.

Do you have a lawyer? Your state probably has guidelines for D settlement, and what your H is suggesting probably doesn't comply with the guidelines.

You need to get a good lawyer as soon as possible.

From your H's statements, it looks impossible to me. What makes you think R is possible?

Wishful thinking won't help. Please - find a good lawyer.

survrus posted 1/14/2020 17:47 PM

Devastated,

Did you offer to....

Polygraph now and whenever in the future he wants to repeat

Sign a post-nup

Get STD testing, DNA testing for the kids

Confess to family members, stating it's not your Hs fault

Confess to OMW

Disclose all who supported or encouraged the affair, for example OM sister if she sent you his contact info.

Disclose all gifts or mementos you are holding onto.

Write out a timeline for the affair/affairs

[This message edited by survrus at 5:48 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

LLXC posted 1/14/2020 17:59 PM

You SHOULD see a lawyer. Has your husband see one? You need to know your rights, aw does your husband, if he chooses to divorce.

You need therapy for you to figure out why you thought it was ok to sext a guy (or woman, sorry) while engaged, know it devastated your fiance, and do it again after you were married, and interestingly, you never deleted those emails.

Your husband needs therapy to deal with this betrayal. It sounds like you hid this from him for 9 years. So that is a lot for him. And he needs help tp decide if he wants to reconcile, divprce, or just have a marriage of convenience.

You are right that his plan is not that logical. But a therapist is the one who can help him see that.

I am guessing he wants a divorce but doesnt want to hurt the kids, and that os the best option he could think of.

Keep doing what you are doing, it sounds like you are helping him. Do not stop, even if he decides to divorce.

Btw. Why not see a therapist who can help you divorce - figure out a way to make it less traumatic for the kids
You can suggest that to him, as a way to be helpful.

It will show you are listening to him, that you are looking out for the kids. And if he truly wants a divorce, that is helpful. If he is unsure, that will male divorce more real. It may male him de ide - i want this. Or realize he wants his family under one roof.

What you did may be dealbreaker. He married you after you betrayed him and you did it again, this time with pictures, and hid it and you never told him. I would imagine that he would not have chosen to have kids with you if he knew you had sent those messages. And i would imagine that right noe the only reason he hasn't thrown you out is the kids. So he is going through a lot.

It sounds like you are helping, so keep doing what you are doing, no matter what he decides.

hikingout posted 1/15/2020 08:26 AM

WS here. I agree a lot with what LLXC has written.

My h also wanted a divorce at one point. We did a lot of preparation towards it. We did in house separation, started discussing terms. We didn't have some of the complications that you have, and I suggested many things that I felt would be fair given the circumstances. I feel like that freed him to truly see what the arrangement would be, and it took a lot of fear out of the situation. Taking away someone's security creates a lot of fear, frustration, and anger. Figuring out if they can have security without you is often an important stabilizing step. You have to also keep in mind that for the first 6 months or so the BS is in shock and really can't be expected to be rational or consistent. It sounds like you have gotten better at managing that, and that's important.

I would probably say to him, while I do not want the divorce, I am also very interested in doing what is the least disruptive for the kids. I would gently point out that to have them live a lie and them finding out would be extremely damaging to them. I would make sure that any aspect that I am discussing with him were very balanced that you have the kids and him in mind. That I understood I was putting him in a position that he didn't choose to be in and that he didn't want to lose any time with them. I would sincerely apologize for that and tell him that the damage I caused is irrevocable but that I want to do what is right moving forward.

I would also work on my whys. Why is this a pattern for you. If you can discover those things then you can be demonstrating true change to him and true intentions to be a safe and stable partner moving forward in your life. I know that you said you are in counseling together, but I think some individual counseling would be important. Sometimes the marriage counselors can be inclined to push the BS to take some responsibility for the marriage and thus by extension the affair. If this is being suggested, I would recommend if you stay in marriage counseling that you need to look for a different counselor. If one specializes in infidelity - that might be a good one. It could be aggravating the situation if it feels like it's 2 against one in those sessions, and it wouldn't be hard to get that feeling even if it was slanted just a little bit.

The cheating had nothing to do with your relationship, or him. It was a decision you made on your own. You may already have adopted this attitude your post really doesn't say either way = but I am stating it because if there is any whiff of that it's gasoline on the fire.

It sounds like you are working on yourself - and I would continue to do that. In the end it may make a difference to this marriage, but if not it will make a huge difference to your co-parenting. I really wouldn't do a lot of arguing with him on terms. But, if it does come down to divorce, you really will need to do what you need to in order to protect your rights, I think 50/50 custody is typically a better scenario, and definitely lying to them would be damaging to them even though it's meant to protect them.

Things have gotten better, they will continue to get better even if it doesn't look like we want it to. Keeping yourself out of a spiral is very wise right now. It sounds like you have meds for it, and I would recommend making sure there is self care - sleeping, eating well, physical activity.

Read about trauma to - a lot of us do not realize what trauma is and don't know what we are looking at with our betrayed spouse.

numb&dumb posted 1/15/2020 09:40 AM

I think the elephant in your martial room right now is that your H likely believes that you've cheated on him for the entire 9 years. If there have been other instances it would be best if you confessed those now. Any contact with the ex-boyfriend in the past nine years should be disclosed. It won't help immediately, but he can respect that you are willing to be brutally honest with him. He isn't going to love or trust you right now in any healthy way. Respect is underrated in infidelity circles. Show him respect in any way that you can. Agree with what he says he wants while telling him that it isn't what you want. Ask him if you think he could ever forgive you one day even if it means your M ends.

If he were a new BS that posted that story on this site many of the BS here would tell him that there is likely more. He likely thinks this as well. Once is a choice and twice is a pattern. He assumes that there is more online relationships and/or even physical ones in the past nine years. If there were do not make the mistake of keeping that from him. If the "truth," comes out, as it always does, then D is really his only choice. If you tell him it might make a difference. If there is truly nothing else and you were a good faithful wife during that whole time then a Poly would give him something to come back to when his mind puts images into his head. Those images aren't voluntary and he can't control them. At least the passed polygraph would give him an alternative.

I think at this point a huge show of faith is really needed. He is still there. He is trying to talk himself into a D because he doesn't see any other option. He likely feels bad that he did not call the wedding off after the first time and the subsequent EA just validated his choice was wrong. He feels like a chump that has been played his whole life.

Stop MC immediately. Take up IC for yourself and suggest to him that you both need time to work on yourselves and you need to become an authentic person. You don't want to be that person anymore.

Further I think a poly, DNA test of the kids or admission to your parents in front of him is a thing that can be done to demonstrate what you really want. Your words are going to ring hollow to him for quite some time.

thatbpguy posted 1/15/2020 10:02 AM

You have had excellent advice and I have nothing new to offer.

It really hasn't been much time since dday and your H is just starting the rollercoaster/whirlwind of emotions. It's brutal. Openness, transparency, counseling, owning it... should be done sooner rather than later.

The reason why I am replying is that the situation he wants with respect to the kids is a no go. It's making you a non person in the family. Also, dictating when you see the kids is wrong. He also probably has no legal grounds to stand on asking you to leave. I get his POV, but you still have a right to be there.

Lastly, do speak with a divorce specialist attorney so you know your rights if it goes there. Aside from that, stick with it and push for R. If he is insistent on a divorce, then he will have to take that initiative.

I wish you well.

devastated717 posted 1/15/2020 10:18 AM

So to answer some questions:

I am 100 percent okay with hearing from betrayed spouses on this thread. Reading the Betrayed Spouse posts is something that I have spent a lot of time doing so I can fully understand the depth of the pain I have caused.

I am in IC and he is also in IC. I offered to take a polygraph, he said he didn't think those were accurate, but he did take me up on my offer to have DNA tests done. Our MC doesn't make the cheating about him or our marriage, in fact she verbatim said it happened bc of deficiencies in me. I am looking into my why's in IC. There was no OMW and no one was aware of what I did. I have offered to confess to family, but he doesn't want anyone at all to know about this yet. I know that D is likely, but I am still committed to healing him and moving forward as co-parents. We will stay in MC to help us divorce well, or reconcile. I know that R is highly, highly unlikely.

hikingout posted 1/15/2020 10:44 AM

The fact you are still doing it knowing it's highly unlikely is a good start.

I think it's not impossible. If he changes his mind about the poly and you have in fact told him all there is to know that will be another great step.

Again, I think sometimes the BS needs to feel comfortable with all options before they truly land on something. Exploring divorce, separating, etc - this is not uncommon at all. Sometimes there is still R, and sometimes there is S or D and there is still R. And, sometimes there is just D. Keep doing what you are doing and that will be your best chance.

beenthereinco posted 1/15/2020 11:54 AM

If you do divorce then things have to change. No matter what your BH wants. Divorce is not another state of a marriage, your BH can't establish these ground rules on you for after the Divorce. What if either of you start to date? How does that work? Your children would need to know in an appropriate manner if you divorce.

I think if your BH hasn't filed though and isn't doing anything to file then you should just remain constant in your support. He may come around and offer Reconciliation if you stay with him, offer complete transparency at all times and stay supportive of his journey through this pain you caused. If he does file though then please seek the advice of an attorney and follow it. Do not agree to draconian conditions like he has suggested.

Also I'm not sure who "everyone" is that have been telling you to hide money but if you start doing that and are found out your BH will surely divorce you. Also this is unethical. Do not compound your romantic infidelity with financial infidelity. Honestly the people that have given you that advice need to be removed from your life.

secondtime posted 1/15/2020 17:34 PM


My husband is WS. We've had two DDays. After DDay1..I said...don't ever lie to me, again. After DDay2, all bets are off. My husband misrepresented himself to me so I could not make an informed decision of who I was going to marry. We've been together for 23 years. He's lied to me for 17 of them. That's not a stat to be taken lightly.

I don't know that we need to divorce. I live in a state that recognizes legal separation. That may be enough.

My plan is that, indeed my husband would go elsewhere to sleep at night, if I decide that's what I want to do.

The truth is, as the breadwinner, I've already paid enough. And legal separation with my husband sleeping someplace that I don't give a crap where as long as it's cheap...it's the financially least damaging solution.

And, no, the location of where my husband sleeps at night does not affect any of my children. Now, my third co-slept with us from ages 3-5+. So, she would notice that one of us was gone. Otherwise, really, my kids (15, 12, 7, and 2) are NOT invited into our bedroom every evening. We are no longer needed for night-time parenting. My kids don't need two parents in the same home from say, 11-6:30 am. They just don't. And again, I'm not sure what sort of parenting my husband would be giving up....while my kids are sleeping.

I'll also share with you that I don't think there's anything my husband can do to regain my trust. Transparency? That's a joke. I cannot quit my job and follow him around 24/7...including going into restroom stalls with him. That's the only way I can trust, but verify.

My husband is comfortable looking directly into my eyes and lying...

Behavior is not an indicator. For years leading up to DDay2, he was very present, an active participant in family life, blah blah.

In short, he just incredibly good about hiding his behaviors.

He says he's really changed. Problem is, I can't jump into his mind and see into his heart to determine if it's just words again or if he's really has changed.

[This message edited by secondtime at 5:36 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

Marz posted 1/15/2020 17:46 PM

Your life matters no matter what.

His expectations around divorce are not attainable.

If he continues on with D you must see an attorney.

With that said seeing an attorney now might push your H over the edge if he hasnít.

Just because heís supposedly jumping on the D train doesnít mean heíll go through with it as many also change their minds.

Beachwalker posted 1/15/2020 19:25 PM

devastated: I am sorry you and your husband are in this situation, but Iím glad you found us.

The advice you are getting is excellent. I do hope you continue what you are doing and add the suggestions that will help you and your H heal. As a BS, I just wanted to add to the comments about being transparent. My WW of 30 years has confessed to almost nothing. I have had to confront her about each of her APís, the emails, phone calls, etc. Itís as if sheís playing the ďIf you donít ask, I donít tellĒ game. This is more damaging to my opinion of her than anything else right now. If you want to R, and I believe you do, donít do this. Offer to answer any questions he may have. Tell him everything, and I mean everything, or at least offer to tell him. If you think of something else after a conversation, tell him that you have something to add to the conversation and ask if he wants to hear it or not. I wish my WW would do this for me. I want to R, but her behavior is pushing me further away. Donít be like my WW.

If nothing else, and if you two D, you will have cleansed the information from you and will have nothing to protect, to keep secret. That stuff will eat away at you. You will become a better partner, if not for your current H, then the next. And if you donít find someone else and stay single, you will be a better person all around. Stay in IC no matter what happens Ė this is important for your well-being.

Post often and keep us up to date. And remember that here, you are not alone.

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