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I can hardly breathe -anxiety is taking over

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NEWPERSON posted 12/31/2019 12:02 PM

I have been on this site since August and have not posted my story but I would comment on others where I felt I could make inputs.

I found out my WH was having an affair with one of his employees last December 2018 .She is married and we attended their wedding in 2015.I phoned her husband and he said he was suspicious and that she had asked for separation the year before, but when I tried to contact him the next day about what we will do -he basically said he wants to fight for his family and I must leave him alone so I could not achieve much through that avenue-I think they managed to convince him I am unstable or insecure because he clearly said I must leave him alone. My WH was traveling for business overseas only to find out when I found her husband that she too was away on those business trips .I did everything wrong when I found out ,begged him to come with me to MC.I basically was desperate because he was my all and I was gutted. In March this year he said he was going for business to the US and I found out she was gone with him.When he came back I was livid andlost it-he had never seen me like that I told him to go to hell as he was the walking Devil....to cut long story short I arranged for my boss to give me a 6 month job away from my home and went to my moms house.While I was away he seemed to be trying to get is act together but because I had not found this site as it was April -I did everything wrong ...sometimes we were intimate, we would go out to diner as a family because I felt I did not want my sons 8 and 12 to be affected. When I was away during the week I would call my aunt to check and he would sleep at home sometimes and I would call him and he would act like he is at home and I would tell him don't bother lying...uptil July he was doing that .I had been on IC since I found out about the A in December. In August he started IC on his own and did about 8 and told me rather late towards the end of IC that he is seeing someone and he wants us to fight for our family .I said to him the first would be to let this woman go as he is the CEO -he decides who comes and goes. At first he seemed willing and then in September when I was following up he told me in no uncertain words that she is not going anywhere.

I was so torn and my time away was coming to an end and it was not a permanent transfer .I came back home in October and boy we went back to square one, this man was away for 7 days now 3rd week of December with this woman again-in my head I know there is no future but I have just request pension money I had saved when I resigned in my
previous job so that I can make plans to move out-oh I asked him to move out and give me space with kids and he said I cannot chase him from his house. I am married out of community so its a catch 22.I am willing to leave the house as its no no longer a home but a place where a lot of my pain comes from.

He is away on holiday for new years with our 2 small boys(8 and 12) and my stepson as I refused to be with him after what he did now in December ....My stepson called this morning saying he is shocked because his dad was talking to a woman on the phone while they were having breakfast and he is not ashamed to call this woman babe in front of them(3 boys)...he says he could tell that it a lovers conversation....the name he gave me is different to the one of the married woman...I am full of anxiety now as I am waiting for the money to come through and know that I will out of this mans house as soon as possible. I am angry at his behavior in front of the 3 boys -my 21 year old says "I do not know if dad thinks I am stupid" and I have been his stepmom since he was 9 so we have a fairly good relationship and naturally he would not want me hurt.

I feel like I am out of breath yet I was planning to leave after the 7 days trip he took with married woman beginning of December I am still hurt that he continues to do hurtful things.I cannot believe this is a man I have been with for 13 years ( married for 8).I wish I never met him in my life

[This message edited by NEWPERSON at 1:52 AM, June 2nd (Tuesday)]

FEEL posted 12/31/2019 12:14 PM

Sorry you are here. This is the place no one wanted to be. You should give yourself a pat on the back for taking steps to move yourself forward. You didn't know then what you know now so you did the best you could. Now, you know more and you are taking positive steps for your well being.

I can understand your pain. It really hurts to have invested time in a relationship and then have the person do what they have done. But you can't control them, all you can do is choose how you react and deal with the situation and make changes for the betterment of yourself.

It's a bumpy journey for sure, but if you take some time to read the stories on here, there are many stories on here where people have stayed and tried to R for years with a WS that was not capable of true R. I was one of them and gave up a lot of days (that I will never get back) trying. It does get better and you will get through this. Again give yourself a pat on the back for making the best decision for you! Well done!

NEWPERSON posted 1/1/2020 01:19 AM

@Feel thank you for your encouraging words.

its tough when you gave your all to a person and they sort show that they are not willing to do the same.

I definitely don't want the year 2020 December to be the same as 2018 and 2019-so I know I need to leave the circus or else I am just as responsible for participating.

I am hoping for strength going forward as I can imagine there is tough days that lye ahead

Buffer posted 1/1/2020 04:04 AM

Hi Newperson
So sorry you are in this situation he is nothing but a selfish pig 🐖.
Please seek legal advice as well as medical checks, STDs etc, they havenít practiced safe sex.
You need to shine a light on this A. Tell everyone HR, due to
possible legal and sexual harassment etc. Also tell his family, etc. You havenít done anything wrong this is on him and his decision to lie and cheat. This is a deliberate act on his part as well as an abuse of power being the CEO. Is he using the company to fund his A by always taking her away with him?
Take time as he said he canít be asked to leave and you donít have to go either. The number 1 priority is you and the children.

One day at a time

Buffer

NEWPERSON posted 1/1/2020 06:45 AM

@Buffer

he is the founder of the business so basically he accounts to himself (his dad used to work with him but he retired).Off course he is using the money of the company but its his so nothing can be done there.

I told my in-laws, my mother and father in-law try to tell him to let this woman go and he said they must never forget he supports them basically say he must not be called into order. He has 3 sister inlwas, 2 of them are fueling his behavior they actually sent me a message that I must admit myself in a mental hospital because I informed the spouse of the married woman.

The other sister was supportive and told me my WH first wife also went through something similar- Oh forgot to mention he was married and the first wife divorced him and he told me himself that he messed up as he was young but he was willing to do better with our marriage-before we got involved I asked for the divorce decree to confirm that they were not just separated and he was shocked even then he said he dated few women before he met me and all took his word and never demanded to see the decree. I said I would like to be sure because if he is separated maybe him and ex-wife could still work things out.He was impressed by values and integrity .


I met his 2 sons a year later after dating and 3 years later he proposed(we became a family of 6 with my 2 stepsons and 2 of my own).The eldest stepson decided to cut the relationship with my husband after he disowned them for 2 years but the 21 year came back and so he is the one who told me about the new woman he is on the phone with. With the 2 sisters fueling his behavior I know that he does not see anything wrong and so I am making peace although I love him I know I deserve better

fareast posted 1/1/2020 07:32 AM

Hi NP:

Sorry you are here. Youíve been reading for a while so you kind of know the lay of the land. You have made some positive moves. As is evident from your description your WH is an arrogant man without morals who believes he can do as he pleases. He is the boss of his own little kingdom in his company. Let him wallow in it. He has spent his adult life as a serial cheater who has no compunction about lying and cheating. You have seen this behavior exposed for the last year. This is who he is. Believe it. Take steps to protect yourself legally and move on as fast as you can. File for D. Fight for what is rightfully yours. Get tested for STDís. Do not let him manipulate you or bully you. Expose even further than you already have to all family and friends. His cheating will come with a steep price tag. Good luck.

TfromNY posted 1/1/2020 07:58 AM

I agree with fareast. And I know youíll receive a lot of good advice and support on this site from others. I would just like to tell you I know how disoriented and sad you must feel. Itís such a cold and isolating thing when someone, who was at first so loving and charming, removes their affection and places it on someone else ó like when a beautiful shaft of sunlight slides across a room and your chilled when itís no longer on you. Let that light illuminate for you who he is really is. Really see him for all his weakness and lack of character.

Good for you and taking charge and taking steps to get out of infidelity. He is vile. It is obvious he sees women and children as objects and playthings that he would run around on you so openly, and include the children. He does not attempt to keep vows, to shield or protect. So now you must believe what you see and contact an attorney and take care of yourself as best as you can. Believe in YOU, no matter how many people in his family or your family or friends - call you unstable. OF COURSE you feel unhinged! A great wrong and hurt has been inflicted upon you. Grief can make us feel crazy at times. But they are just people who want their to be a reason for evils. They donít want to believe in your WHís abject selfishness. It would be too much for them to bear. You are strong enough to bear it.

Follow the advice here. Take great care because he seems ruthless and may paint you in a bad light to save every last dollar he can. Contact an attorney that makes you feel supported. One who is knowledgeable and has plenty of bark and teeth. Take care of you. Breathe deeply. Meditate. You deserve goodness and peace. Take those moments when you can. We are rooting for you.

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/1/2020 08:31 AM

((NP))

I know this is painful, but it sounds like you know what to do. Take care of yourself.

I gotta say, he's pretty stupid to get involved with an employee of his own company. He's set himself up for a nice lawsuit if she ever gets disgruntled. That may be why he's so adamant that he won't fire her.

hansvoleman posted 1/1/2020 14:20 PM

I gotta say, he's pretty stupid to get involved with an employee of his own company. He's set himself up for a nice lawsuit if she ever gets disgruntled. That may be why he's so adamant that he won't fire her.

Very stupid because I don't think he even has to fire her to find himself on the end of a lawsuit? I would think that as #MeToo redresses some the imbalances, any female employee is going to be given serious consideration if she claims she felt obliged to respond to her CEO's advances. It's a line your husband's common sense should tell him not to cross.

Presumably your parents- and sisters-in-law have assessed this risk carefully and are prepared for the collective loss of income, status and respect when the OW's lawyers go for his business. It might be worth just mentioning to the sister you do talk to that you are not who they should be concerned about.

Sending you Iron Man strength for 2020!


Walkingthewire posted 1/1/2020 17:05 PM

Is it possible this is another OW, not the same as the one you called OBS about?
Heís opened himself up to several lawsuits getting involved with his employees. He canít fire her without a wrongful termination suit at the minimum. Heís an idiot. An arrogant, egotistical idiot.

Iím sorry youíre here. But there are lots of good people here.

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/2/2020 07:36 AM

Very stupid because I don't think he even has to fire her to find himself on the end of a lawsuit?


Absolutely! But, if he fires her, she's more likely to be disgruntled. She may have even threatened him. Or, of course, there's the obvious. Since they're still working together, the A is ongoing.

I'm surprised her BH, who said he wanted to fight for his family, hasn't insisted she quit.

I, too, was wondering if he's got another OW.

NEWPERSON posted 1/2/2020 13:22 PM

Thank you everyone for your support as it can feel lonely and very sad to be in such a situation. When you had all the good intentions and you realise it was all for nothing.

I also did think that one-day she can use the information she has ,their trips ect and say her job was at stake but I hope by then I am so far away from him and the humiliation he will cause his family .This man has caused me so much pain ,I have assisted him with my 2 stepsons, his father had cancer last year and I was the one at hospital more than anyone(the sisters barely showed up) I asked my helper to cook every night so I could take home cooked meal for him because the rest of the family never bothered.

My eldest stepson does not talk to him as it is.....now my 21 year stepson is looking out for me as he can see his dad is a monster-yet he demands to be respected by the kids

It saddens me that I gave 13 years of my life to such an undeserving person but I do know that the way he conducts life -it will catch up with him....in the meantime I don't have to stick around for this disrespect and selfish behavior .I would rather die lonely then live a life with such a cruel person...I will focus on my kids and my career Ö...first step is to leave this man

NEWPERSON posted 1/2/2020 13:28 PM

Its highly possible its a new OW- to be frank he can have 5 at this point I do not give a damn,Iam OUT.....this man I believe is a narcissist so he is always about what can make him feel good. He uses people and tosses them out.....Karma will deal with him and I hope long term I can even move cities but for now I need to leave the house.

He treats his parents like they are nothing all cause he takes care of them-He will shout at the ect yet he claims he loves them. I do not believe he can love anyone as he does not love himself......I have lost all respect I used to have for him......he can go to his OW's they can boost his EGO I am no longer interested in him.

Hurtmyheart posted 1/2/2020 16:18 PM

NEWPERSON, from how you describe your WH, I'm glad you are leaving him. He is not a catch, you are. You're the prize.

Continue to stay strong and I wish the best for you and the kid's. So, so sad.

NEWPERSON posted 1/2/2020 22:01 PM

it is sad that someone who you have kids with is this cruel and cold.....

I am grateful that I will not be wasting another year on him.....

I have endured so much abuse emotionally and verbally from him.....he can go abuse someone else(I mean the OW are in anyways selfish too so they deserve what they'll be getting).

NEWPERSON posted 1/4/2020 07:12 AM

My WH and kids came back yesterday-a day earlier than expected and I sort started feeling a lot of anxiety ,luckily I had some tablets which I got from a doctor a few days ago.I was civil in our greetings and even said I hope you enjoyed the time with boys ect.

I went to sleep early in a separate room and this morning I trained with the trainer. I then ask him if he would like breakfast because I was making myself breakfast, he says he is on his way out so I carry on with making breakfast ...then out of the blue he comes to me to say what are my intentions?this is with reference to the 7 days he was away because I did not ask him about it clearly it botheres him. I tell him that I will be looking for a place and taking the kids,his response is can you give me a date?I tell him he will know as soon as I am sure ,he decides no that is not enough he then tells me that I cannot make decisions that affect this family without engaging with him....I am selfish ...blah blah(says the lying, cheating, narcissistic )person to me who have been in limbo for a year since i found out about the affair.He was currently paying for my car so he says that he want to sell it so I must make a plan to get myself a new car...So I say to him can he give me 2 months ,his response I needed this car gone by end of January.Boy oh Boy did I not loose it -I told him listen you have ruined our family with your selfing behavior -you have been cheating on me atleast over 2 years with your employee...what will waiting 2 months do to you-continue cheating while I continue driving the car.

he realises I am super mad...he acts confused and ask what has he done now.I tell him nothing and he keeps following me around the house and I start getting even more mad cause I told me leave me alone and go on with your cheating ways I am no longer bothered because thats who you are and no one can help you.He then starts saying he does not want us to fight ,he knows he messed up blah blah...he is trying to fix all his relationships,he then drops a bomb, he has been speaking to his ex-wife(they were not speaking for 2 years because he abondened my 2 stepsons) So he called her and set up a meeting and he is trying to ensure he has a normal relationship with her ect.....I am now realizing since he can see I am slipping away he is trying to ensure she is around for a pick me up...the catch is the employee he is having an affair with is related to the ex-wives high school best friend in actual fact my WH once told me that the ex-wife said to him she suspects there is something going on between my WH and the employee but when he told me this I thought the ew-wife was being silly because she had gone through her second divorce and was all in her feelings....well I guess she new her ex-husband(my WH) and I was the fool

the question I have -do I contact the ex-wife and inform her about what WH has done so that she does not think its genuine his extension of olive branch.....I think I would want to know if someone was using me because his current marriage is sinking?He cheated on the ex-wife 15 years ago and she divorced him in 6 months and I met him 2 years later after the divorce ,so she and I always had a civil relationship but when they had a fall -out I sort of also kept my distance from her because she wrote me a message accusing me of not doing anything about my WH abandoning the kids and I was mad that she was picking on me when she new her ex-husband was a difficult person and he was the one who told the kids he wanted nothing to do with them -in actual fact I told my WH that I will continue communication with kids because I do not agree with his actions and basically me and two big boys would wish each other happy birthdays , merry christmas and happy new year and I even met the eldest one for lunch one time with my two little boys because they were asking to see their brother, during that time my WH was not talking or seeing kids at all.The ex-wife and I were always civil before the fallout she had with my WH which led to our fallout.

so should I tell her that he is actually sleeping with someone she knows and was even suspicious of?

cannotforgive posted 1/4/2020 07:59 AM

Newperson, there is too much drama going on at the moment in your life.You need to take steps to simplify things, not to over complicate them by talking to his ex-wife.

First thing, can I suggest you make an appointment with a divorce lawyer ASAP. File for separation immediately. I do not know where you live, but where I am, if I filed for separation, a court would force my WS to leave the house, irrespective of the fact that he is the owner.
A lawyer will also advise you on the threat of him selling the car. You probably need the car to drive the kids around.

You need him removed from your life. Do not leave the house yourself, you have underage children whose life should not be turned upside down just because their father is a narcissistic cheater.
They are entitled by law in many countries in Europe to live in their family home. So lawyer up first.
If you think that things might escalate and he might turn violent, it is a good to maybe leave your phone on record.
And cut out those looser sisters in law from your life as if they do not exist.

Good luck and stay strong.

[This message edited by cannotforgive at 8:12 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]

Maudlin posted 1/4/2020 08:15 AM

Lawyer. Lawyer. Lawyer.

Donít beat yourself up about doing things wrong, Iíve done them all myself. These losers keep reeling you in and gaslighting. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. HE IS A USER. He is a bad person. He has no honor. Period.

Now scream in the shower and call a lawyer and kick his ass out. Cut off the family that is troublesome. Dont talk to him except for logistics over the kids. Make a plan to divorce him and start it NOW. Today.

Maybe he will pull his head out of his ass, maybe not. But either way go forward, today, as though it is all dead and buried. Come here and scream and cry because you absolutely need a place for that because it is t fair, and it isnít right. Get yourself and the kids into counseling ASAP.

Stop letting him rent space in your head and get out now. it doesnít matter what you did before, now is what matters.

fareast posted 1/4/2020 08:48 AM

You have received good advice. Please see a lawyer ASAP and take steps to separate. You need space and to detach. Try to not engage with him. These are useless discussions. You will not get closure. He is not a good person. He is a serial cheater who simply uses people.

NEWPERSON posted 1/4/2020 22:12 PM

Thank you everyone for the advise, I realise that he is doing all of this so I am frustruated.He indeed was gaslighting me and told me I am stubborn but all I said was I have values.I was actually way happier during the past week I did not see him.I will try and find a lawyer this week.

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