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Leaving me for an escort

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HeartInTwo posted 12/31/2019 04:25 AM

Hello everyone - Two months ago I found out my husband of only 1.5 yrs was sleeping with escorts. We have lived together for 8 yrs and I have been there and supported him through a very very long education to get where he is now...and now that heís almost done with this long road of schooling, he wants to leave me (only now that I found out about his secret sex life). I confronted him when I found the emails and he got upset with me for looking through his stuff, he wouldnít speak to me for about a month, complete silent treatment. We finally spoke about a month ago and he said he needs to simplify his life and he hasnít been happy for awhile so he can no longer be married to me. We just bought a house last April and Iíve been staying in the guest room since I found out in November.

I have no family out here as I moved to a new city for his schooling and canít leave as I signed a contract with a very good job that starts this Jan (I should be excited about it). I put a down payment on an apt but it wonít be ready for a month and half...but deep down Iím hoping he will reconsider and try to work on our marriage. Iíve been hiding out in the guest room and we both work a lot so we havenít really interacted...he wonít speak to his parents (in fact he is upset with me for telling them) and it just seems like heís having a mental breakdown. I am so confused, I feel like the rug was pulled out from under me. I had no clue he wasnít happy and now heís acting like a complete different person.

I am finally not cry my eyes out and donít feel like dying anymore but if I am not at work all i do is sleep/ lay in bed. In fact Iíve been in bed for 3 days now. I started therapy once a week two weeks ago and was put on lexapro one week ago...but I still just lay here. I feel like my life is just a means to an end. Iím 32, will be 33 once the divorce goes through (paperwork hasnít been filed yet) and I feel like all hopes of having a family is gone.

I know heís still seeing the escort and itís so pathetic of me but I just want him to say heís sorry and he sees what he is doing is careless and wrong and that he wants to work it out...but thatís not happened, he just goes about his day like Iím not here. Idk what to do, I just want to feel better :(

pearlamici posted 12/31/2019 05:37 AM

I just want you to know you've been heard. Have you read the healing library? (upper left hand corner). Get to a lawyer ASAP - no decisions have to be made immediately but talk about how things may play out. Make sure you take care of yourself (eat small meals/stay hydrated). Don't expect anything from him right now...and tell whoever you want - you don't have to carry around his secrets.

hansvoleman posted 12/31/2019 06:12 AM

Hi HeartInTwo

Sorry to read the reasons why you are here but this is a good place to get advice and help. Have you explored the articles in the Healing Library (top left, link in yellow box) yet?

Gently, from what you have laid out it sounds as though your husband has checked out completely, at least for the moment. The path you are on, in house separation and divorce, does not mean you might never have a relationship with him again. Simply your marriage, as it currently is, is over. You may well find that if and when he does sort himself out you have moved on.

It's a very positive that you have sought treatment and therapy already. You are clearly making solid progress although you may not feel it.

It is not surprising that you feel confused. Putting your history together to on side for a minute, why would your husband marry you only 1.5 years ago if he was so unhappy or why buy a house with someone who you want to escape from 7 months later? Sadly, even were your husband talking to you, I doubt you would get answers. He sounds like a man following his own agenda, and a pretty crappy one at that. For your own sake you need to let him follow that on his own. If you've supported him for nearly a decade in his dreams, he is about to get a rude lesson in reality.

At 32 you are more than young enough to have a new family if you want that. I know it seems almost impossible now but you will recover. At some point HeartInTwo 2.0 is born and some decent chap will see the love, loyalty and strength you have to offer.

I hope that 2020 brings you positive change and joy. Wiser heads than me will be along soon. Please keep posting as there is so much advice on these boards.

pearlamici posted 12/31/2019 06:28 AM

also get tested for STDs if you haven't done so yet.

HeartInTwo posted 12/31/2019 09:12 AM

Thank you for your support. I printed out the 180 and am trying to follow. I just canít understand how he can cut me off so abruptly, how he can act like the victim, how he can just see the past decade we have spent together to build our lives to where we are now and then just throw it all away.

Sometimes I want to text him asking if heís sure this is what he wants, but I stop myself. He has told me in our initial conversations that he is divorced in his mind already and itís just a matter of paperwork...but I was hoping that was just the initial craziness talking. My fear is when I move out Iíll never hear from in again (not that I hear much from his now except, did you feed the dog, when is the maid coming, etc).

Iíve been laying in bed for 3 days and he just moves about the house as if Iím not here. I donít understand how someone you spent your life with can suddenly be so dismissive and cold. I wish he would speak to his family but he wonít speak to anyone.

Thankfully, I work tonight so Iíll have to get my ass out of this room.

hansvoleman posted 12/31/2019 10:13 AM

Keeping busy is good. Looking after yourself is better. Please don't beat yourself up about laying in bed for 3 days. Some of us can probably surpass that by months.

I think you are sensible to not discuss things further with your husband. He doesn't have anything to offer you as comfort and he clearly is not minded to try. Let me put this in perspective. You find out that he is sleeping with escorts. His response is:

- anger because you found out
- no empathy or support whatsoever over a month
- further rejection by telling you that you are a complication in his life
- anger again when you reach out to a support network you and he share

Plus this is the response you get to his original actions which put you at high risk in a very real and practical way.

He may well be having a breakdown but you have to consider that he is showing you personality traits he has hidden from you. The overriding trait I see is that this is all about him always. He owes you a debt of loyalty and consideration if you've been supporting him while he studies. To repay with such dishonesty and callousness is hideous.

By the sound of it you have everything going for you (good job, place to live and a path out of hell). I would certainly work with your therapist to resolve your fear that you will never hear from him again. In this you are the prize.

Chrysalis123 posted 12/31/2019 10:40 AM

He may well be having a breakdown but you have to consider that he is showing you personality traits he has hidden from you. The overriding trait I see is that this is all about him always. He owes you a debt of loyalty and consideration if you've been supporting him while he studies. To repay with such dishonesty and callousness is hideous.

I am so sorry you needed to find us but glad you did.

It won't always hurt this bad.... it takes a long time to get over something like this because it is a critical injury to you. If it were physical you would be in ICU for a long time.

So, you need to take special care of you and your therapy is a great step and so is being brave enough to post here at SI.

Around here we have a saying that goes something like-

Watch and believe the behavior of the WS not the words.

His behavior is awful....he is currently not a safe partner for you. He is villian-izing you. Many WS do this so they do not have to really think about what they are doing to the BS. That is why the 180 is important because it protects your fragile heart from further asinine attacks.

After I read your message I sensed a power imbalance. It appears he runs the show and calls the shots.

Take your power back. Shock him with a show of strength. Look as it stands at this moment he is not safe. Go visit an attorney to learn your rights. Knowledge is power in a situation like this and do not tell him you are doing so. This doesn't mean you will divorce, it means you are wise and powerful in determining your future.

I know you want him to say sorry....many don't. It sucks. And they are f-en broken assholes. Maybe put that thought of repentance on the back burner as you work on putting on your bitch boots and protect yourself from this guy that has a horrible character defect. He is capable of more of the same- lying, stealing time and resources, manipulating, bullying, and jeopardizing your life ---remember that about him.

I know it is scary. One baby step at a time and you will survive infidelity. The end result will certainly be different that what you have now because he murdered your marriage and relationship....it's dead and gone now.

And I agree with Hansvoleman- YOU ARE THE PRIZE!

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 10:42 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)]

tushnurse posted 12/31/2019 11:17 AM

Welcome - Please know that your life is just starting. This man is quite broken, and quite the opportunist to allow you to support him and then to walk away when he is done with school.

Get STD tested if you haven't already.
Continue with the IC. Start allowing yourself to grieve what you have lost, and then start allowing yourself to heal from the pain he has caused you.

Force yourself to do one nice thing for you each day, a long soak in the tub, a nice walk w/ your favorite tunes blaring in your ears. Reading a fun book, starting a new hobby.
Any of these things will allow you to start healing and moving forward in your new path in life.

He did this because he is a really broken person, you can't fix him and he clearly doesn't want to fix himself, there is nothing you can do. I have used a phrase this week with a very difficult situation of a best friend, and while I'm not a super religious person, sometimes you just have to let go and let your higher power take over.

((((And Strength))))

k94ever posted 12/31/2019 11:24 AM

I'm so sorry. He's in the Fog and the best thing you can do for YOU is move and file.

Am I correct that you provided him financial support while he was a full time student?


k9

HarryD posted 12/31/2019 12:06 PM

So he is comfortable with his new GF sleeping with other men all day long? There has to be major issues with your husband. Donít even know what to say. He must be very broken

Carissima posted 12/31/2019 12:39 PM

Believe me at 32 you're still so young and have a lot of life left to live. Do you want to spend the next 40-50 years repeating this situation?

You have many years still to find someone who truly loves and respects you, years to start a new family. Don't let your fear keep you somewhere you are suffering.

That being said if you decide to R you have to make sure he genuinely does the necessary work to make himself a safe partner. That must be non-negotiable!

FEEL posted 12/31/2019 15:27 PM

Welcome to the place none of us wanted to be. The 180 is a great bit of information. I wish I had found it early on as by the time I found it, it was too late to implement.

Age is all relative. I didn't get married until I was 35 (divorced at 50). So relatively speaking you are way ahead of the game compared to me. I would love the opportunity to be able to start over at 33. That's just me, however what's important to you is what you are gong through.

Remember this.... you can't make him do anything. All you can do are things for yourself and priority should be your well being. You can want him to realize what he's done, but you can't make him understand that. He has to figure it out and of course there is the chance he won't like he currently can't. If there is any hope for him he needs to see that it's very real that you are prepared to walk away vs. being able to see through you and see your hopes and wanting him to figure things out as all that does is enable his behavior and send a message that no matter what he does you'll be hoping and be a back-up plan.

Waiting around for him to make you feel better is not a good solution. You could be waiting for a long time and truth be told YOU OWN YOUR OWN HAPPINESS and WELL BEING. No one else does. So if you want to feel better starting doing things for you that make you feel better. There is no magic pill and it will take time, but it's up to you.

There's a lot of good information and support here. It's may be tough to understand at times and/or difficult to hear, but it's all coming form a good place from people that have been there and have the wisdom form the experience.

Westway posted 12/31/2019 15:29 PM

I'm sorry this happened to you. But think about it: your WH just saved you from a life of living with a moron. You will be better off without his dead weight. I know it hurts, but I too am married to an amoral idiot, and God help me I love her, but I have to let her go so I can find a decent person to spend the rest of my life with.

The1stWife posted 12/31/2019 15:43 PM

Iím so sorry for you.

The best revenge is a life well lived.

Heal yourself. Focus on you. You share living space with him but YOU ARE NOT TALKING TO HIM!!!!!! Turn it around and use it to your benefit. You have already started the 180.

Do nice things for yourself.

Heís not speaking to you out of shame and guilt hidden under layers of his big ego. Heís upset you ďoutedĒ him and know his secrets. So he cannot deal with facing the truth so he hides from it.

Thankfully you have no children with him. You would then be tied to him for the next few decades. You can D and never have to hear from him. Your life will Improve and you will survive this. We all do. Not without some scars but one day you will look back and realize you are happier and in a better place.

He, on the other hand, needs serious help and will continue to be hiding his true self. Hiding his shame and guilt. Refusing to be honest. Living a lie.

Heís not a catch - in the fishing world heís a catch and release. And you are releasing him to face his own demons.

And Iím sorry but not to e mean - but his new love is an escort? His stupid can he be? Does he think they have a relationship??? 🤣 ROFLMAO

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:06 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)]

fareast posted 12/31/2019 15:48 PM

Heart in two:

I am sorry you have a need to find this place. But as you can see you will receive great advice. Read in the healing library. Take care of you. Exercise, eat healthy and focus on what you need to do to heal.

I think Westway summed up my thoughts on your WH better than I could ever do.

Good luck.

Buffer posted 12/31/2019 19:35 PM

Hi Heart in 2.

This is not on you one bit. He has stuffed up big time and most likely embarrassed by his actions.
As advised start the 180 now, try to get moving, get out of that spare room. Exercise, drink water seek legal advice.

One day at a time.

Buffer

Dispirited posted 12/31/2019 19:49 PM

To ask him to say he is sorry is just like all of the stories here.He or anyone else is sorry for wanting their cake and getting caught. NOPE. You blew my trust, so now I;ll look for someone who is worthy of my trust.


How so many attempt to give their partner the benefit so to speak. My ex GF called the OM while I did the dishes.And then..I realized she deleted all phone records. When there is such deception, there is no reason to stay. That is not what relationships should be like.Surely...why would anyone give a pass to their partner when the facts are there?


My God...and I get if children are involved how difficult it can be. No children? then you're brain dead to expect a cheater to suddenly become a person that they were not before.You are young and inasmuch as the hurt so often affects those who trust these people, walk away ....step back and do some introspection. Many don't take the time to do so. And then perhaps you'll realize that you are ok by yourself. And then, you'll find someone when the time is right:).


So take your time...your filter will end up ok:)

pureheartkit posted 12/31/2019 21:44 PM

The mask came off.

This one has no gratitude, no decency, no remorse.

His ego and his libido are in control. He was only playing at being your partner. He's not a safe partner for you. I'm glad you are not in the dark any more. It will get worse with him. I would calmly ask for a repayment of what you put into him. It's the least he could do. He's going down a path you want to avoid. Using you as a front while he indulges every selfish idea. With a user like this, there's not much room for happiness.

Mine was self indulgent too, hiding it, lying, pretending with me. Don't blame yourself that you didn't see. They are very good at hiding what's going on. Lets you support him while he spends on sex!

I know you're devastated. How can he keep on as he is while you sit there in shock... well he is high on himself. He might not ever really look to see the evil he has done. Go ahead, the secrets out. He chose it. You don't have to hide his actions, who he is. Yes, this is who he is.

It's been a grand game of lies for him. User. Deceiver. Abuser.

I know what it feels like. Disbelief, loneliness, agony, sorrow, loss, bewilderment.

This sad life is over now. You are going on to something better. Don't let him take all the money for the OW. Go over to divorce forum and read how to start protecting yourself. You must. This is serious. You cannot trust him.

Tallgirl posted 12/31/2019 22:44 PM

I am so sorry you are here.

I think your husband showed you who he is. Believe him.

Take care of you- follow the 180. You are worth so much more than him.

TfromNY posted 1/1/2020 08:55 AM

Dear HeartInTwo
May I venture and say ó you donít really want that man back. You want the man you THOUGHT he was, you want the life you THOUGHT you had, you want the marriage YOU really want and THOUGHT you had ó back. One of the biggest hurdles in healing from trauma is accepting what happened and accepting the person you see now is WHO HE IS. You mention you just wish he could speak to his family. People talk about the affair fog (which is real), but at the end of the day you finding out, you confronting, you exposing is all just finally shining a light on who youíve been married to this. entire. time. From what youíve written, I donít think youíd be drawn to a man like him. You are trying to process a great shock so your brain is in denial. The man your aching for and laying in the bed for does. not. exist. Heís made his choices. Heís chosen his path. And it is absolutely no reflection on you.

And of course heís now dating/courting an escort. Do you think he was going to let you Ďseeí him and others Ďseeí him without anything to show for it? She might be superficially sexy and attractive and heís a little boy who now wants to show off his toy. He will use her to hide his defects of characters and sickness and lack of being able to provide a real partner with authentic intimacy by feeding his ego and sheís probably thinking she hit the jack pot with such a sucker.

Do what you can, when you can, but certainly muster energy to protect yourself. He has to want to change and reconciliation, in my opinion, should not even be offered until you shore up your defenses. I would never advise you to get back together with someone like him..... but Iím taking into account all youíve written. It will take time - but the anger will come. Allow it. Let it strengthen you. You are worth fighting for. Donít let his sickness overshadow your confidence forever. Wishing you courage and clarity.

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