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Proof enough? Help!!!

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Moe76 posted 12/23/2019 20:42 PM

To address the last few comments... Yes her addiction recovery is much more important than her sex life. But I can deal with substance abuse and recovery... My issue is the potential infidelity. And the kids are with me every night. When she does have my youngest, her mother is there and hey mother is very anti-drug so there's some security there. Though of course I wouldn't ever let her spend the night there, the daytime thing is supervised and monitored by me and by her mother. I'm comfortable with it.

Hurtmyheart posted 12/26/2019 11:53 AM

What kind of drugs is she on? Is it in combination with alcohol?

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, Moe. At this point, as long as her mind is in it, you have nothing to work with. She checked out and is enjoying the freedom to do whatever she wants to do.

Sorry her mother is allowing her daughter to stay in her home while her daughter has responsibilities of her own and obviously is not doing her job.

It's sad because no matter what, the kid's will be damaged from this. But also glad to know that you are the stable one. Continue to stay on this path.

fooled13years posted 12/26/2019 12:04 PM

Moe76, you stated:

That's exactly right. After being a stay-at-home mom for 18 years she wanted her chance to go out and party... As if I had that chance

I was happy to leave the party life behind me.

I cannot think of anything I would rather be than a devoted husband and father.

May 2020 be your best year ever...with or without your WW.

Moe76 posted 12/26/2019 12:14 PM

Hurtmyheart to answer your question, she had kicked an opioid habit years ago that it started from her doctor's prescriptions. It was 3 years since and then again back in March of this year it started with pills again, then smoking heroin and then she told me she started shooting it. Believe me when I tell you she is such a beautiful woman. You would NEVER suspect an upper middle class woman who looks like her to be using such hard poison.
.. she's had some really hard drama in her life at a young age and some trauma with her father's death about 4 years ago. So confusing because I'm so mad in a hurt water treatment of me and the family but as her friend for 30 years I want her to get healthy and stay clean. That's probably the hardest part right now.

Jduff posted 12/26/2019 12:46 PM

Moe, that's unfortunately her choice to get better or not, and usually that decision doesn't get made until the addict hits rock bottom, to decide to live or waste away. This is the bigger issue aside from infidelity.

You have to think about yourself and your kids' welfare first and foremost. You have to maintain the environment of safety and stability. Right now, it is you that represents that. It is you who is their rock in this shit storm. Set down the necessary boundaries that will uphold your family unit to maintain that safety and stability. For as long as your WW will not honor those boundaries and follow your requirements for her to be a safe partner for you and a safe mother to your children then she will have to fix her shit on her own time and own dime. She put herself there regardless of past situations and the sooner she owns that is the sooner she understands what she needs to do.

As for the infidelity, if that is your deal breaker you are not required to accept her infidelity considering your WW's supposed impaired thinking or decision making. There are simply no excuses or rationalizations to follow through on cheating. You will learn that committing infidelity is a process of many, many little decisions and not a one time "oops, my dick just fell out and hid in her vagina" or "I gosh I don't know how I accidentally sat on his cock!"

Other than rape, or drug induced rape, or any forced unwanted sexual advancement, then it is a choice by want to carry through with infidelity.

No matter what happens, your WW will need to fix her broken and remake herself into a new woman before you should entertain any notion of reconciliation.

[This message edited by Jduff at 1:57 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

Hurtmyheart posted 12/26/2019 13:14 PM

jduff said it so well!

I just want to add that although your MIL is anti-drugs, she is still allowing your WW to stay in her house. So in essence your daughter really isn't safe regardless of your MIL's views or beliefs.

You know the scoop. Are you in any type of program to help yourself?

I understand! Two of my brother's were heroin addicts. It's a terrible thing for anyone to have to witness and deal with.

Again, I'm so sorry but there is a way out of this nightmare for you and your kid's. Save yourself and your kid's! They will thank you for this later on down the line.

My parents didn't save us. Today there is a lot of resent and pain because they allowed us kid's to endure this and didn't protect the innocent one's in the family.

MtVernon posted 12/26/2019 13:30 PM

so, as a mother of your kids, she is into drugs.

You are separated so 'she can meet other people' ?

I am not sure how this is a fit for a healthy family life or your marriage.

A stay at home Mom wanting to take a break from her marriage and go out and party and see other guys ?

Have you seen an attorney yet ? I am sure alimony and child support will hurt but will it hurt as much as being in a one sided open relationship ?

I am unsure why you agreed to a separation in the first place. It should be about her abiding by her marriage vows and being loyal to her husband and family.

Do you have a separation agreement or can she come and go as she pleases without any consequences for her actions ?

You are obviously a selfless individual who has compassion. There will come a point where your compassion may cost you more than money or even damage to your kids.

Don't be indecisive on this one. Your family is on the line. Find a pathway out of this and stay the course

tushnurse posted 12/26/2019 14:21 PM

Ready set duck, cause I'm coming in swinging a 2x4.

Listen you need to step back and take a look at the reality of the situation. Your wife, the mother of your children is shooting heroin. This is your biggest concern right now.
You need to stop worrying about the 'person you fell in love with'. She is gone. This is some addicted demon that has taken her place. You need to put the safety of your kids first, and you need to be making a BIG F'ing deal over it.
You need to see an attorney, and file for D, and emergency guardianship of your kids, for you and you alone. This is serious stuff.
You allowing your kids to be with her, is you being complicit in her behavior. This could land you in legal trouble. This is the kind of shit that gets DFS to take your kids away. You need to take action and do it now.
She needs to get clean before you can even start to deal with the fact that she is screwing around on you.
You also need to stop having any type of sexual relationship with her immediately if not sooner. She is injecting heroin. Do you know that basically puts her in the highest risk of people for contracting fun life long diseases like HIV, and Hepatitis, along with potential to get other fun infections like MRSA?

Wake up man. You have a very serious situation on your hands, and she is going to end up dead, and your kids will be a witness to it because you think it's ok for them to be with her, as long as her mom is present. That is serious excuse making my friend. Maybe if you quit allowing her to do whatever she wants and she faces some consequences to her actions, she will wake up before she dies.

What happens if one of the kids finds her kit and accidentally sticks themselves with a contaminated needle?

tushnurse posted 12/28/2019 16:38 PM

I'm bumping this for other input as it is a slow time here but know you need our guidance and support.

Moe76 posted 12/28/2019 16:55 PM

To address the last few posts... Thank you guys. I am not in a program anymore but I have been clean for over 7 years. I agreed to separation for her to get clean. Not to condone an open relationship or dating others. Knowing that some of her triggers we're her daily tasks, I thought a new environment would be helpful as it was and is for so many others in this situation. My wife has been getting tested twice a week for the last 10 weeks. The potential infidelity happened after she was clean or should I say started her Suboxone therapy through her doctor. I speak with her doctor on a weekly basis I have not been made aware of any falls at this point.and I am absolutely in no way willing to share my wife with someone in an emotional or physical capacity. . End of story. I have filed for divorce for that reason at this point. Don't let me not have absolute proof of infidelity she has admitted repeatedly she does not want to focus on fixing us... Just on herself. And honestly, Id rather have her alive as a friend then dead as my wife. Harsh reality for me... It's the life or death which is motivating my decisions right now. I am choosing life for her I just need her to choose it for herself.

Unhinged posted 12/29/2019 08:17 AM

Hey there, Moe. Welcome to SI.

Please read what tushnurse wrote to you again (and again). Right now, I think you're number one priority has to be your kids.

Document what's going on. Document everything. You're going to need to prove to a court of law that your wife is unsafe for your children. Until she's clean and sober, she will continue to be unsafe for them.

I'm sorry you're going through shit, man. I really am.

As for infidelity... man, if she's hooked on shooting heroine there's no telling what she's done. She probably doesn't even know, herself.

SlapNutsABingo posted 1/8/2020 15:01 PM

You said that you have filed for divorce at this point, was she served then?

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